Today is a bad day.

I don’t know if I can fully write this down but I had been bullied by this company that is advising the company CEO/management that I interviewed. I don’t know if I can go into details but I feel like I was treated like dirt, like we are a PR firm that they can dictate so they can push their agenda. I asked the compliance team to help me deal with them because protocol says we journos (my role here in this particular case is a journo, not an editor) cannot engage in such situation and better leave that to the compliance editors. We cannot answer back or throw bombs to retaliate because they are our subscribers.

They kept me up until 5 this morning but the bullying on chat didn’t stop until 5 pm today.

I am so pissed and yet so defeated. I hate that they made me feel like I’m very stupid. The way one of their advisors speak to me on WhatsApp is way below the belt, like I am under his payroll. I showed the screencap to some of my colleagues and they said—wow! “They really treat you like shit, don’t they? The problem is we can’t answer back.”

It’s so different in newspapers. We can just say “fuck you!” and the story goes on print.

I am broken today.

What can I do? I would just have to bite a bark of a tree and scream then expect all my negative energy will be gone. But who am I kidding?

For somebody who’s outspoken in person and online, my self-control is tested to its limit to not to bite back. I keep on repeating to myself, “do not bite/fight back, do not bite/fight back, do not bite/fight back, do not bite/fight back…”

I am twisting in my seat now. I don’t know how long I can hold on.

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Of course it is inevitable that I would get really sick since I nursed Twin A back to health. She already went back to school yesterday while I suffered from runny nose and headaches. Whatever bug I caught from my daughter is very contagious.

My ill-health, however, is not an excuse for me to not try to have things fixed around the house yesterday. I had our airconditioners cleaned and my washing machine checked. Called up LG service center for parts (main board got wet somehow) and on top of that I had to cook and tidy up. Oh I had to edit a story and publish my own story.

Today I just struggled. I cooked instant noodles for the girls for breakfast (deplorable, I know) but I don’t have it in me this morning. The rest of the day is a battle between finishing a Thailand story (while fishing for info with my sources for another one) and sleeping. I’m feverish. Good thing I can send the girls to my mom’s place for dinner or else I would just give them money to eat dinner at the nearest eatery.

I no longer have Ate C to rely on when I’m indisposed. 😢

I can’t leave my kids to go home on their own because there is no public transport from their school to our house because their campus is on the far-flung end of the university campus. The latest that their school bus can wait for them is 5 pm and my children have joined clubs that required them to stay until 6 pm. 😕 The driver called and said he will wait for them until 6. Whopee!

Supermom to the rescue…😭

I just want to be left alone and sleep. My coughs and cold have spiralled into full-blown asthma.

Sick.

Ded.

Aghhh!

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It’s just a matter of time I get hit by Covid again 🫠

Sick.

Ded.

Agghhh.

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Grief is love persevering. Grief is love with nowhere to go.

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Go into the arts. I’m not kidding. The arts are not a way to make a living. They are a very human way of making life more bearable. Practicing an art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven’s sake. Sing in the shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possibly can. You will get an enormous reward. You will have created something.

~Kurt Vonnegut, A Man Without a Country

I’m just lucky that I get to earn a living practicing my art. I may not be the best but at least I am alive. Painting with my words against different media helps me breathe.

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Twin I and I drove to a Wilcon Depot about 15 km east or 20 mins away from our house to buy some components for her homemade microscope. We got a bit of a view this afternoon and my daughter asked me if we could hike these mountains/volcanoes. I told her these do not have clear trails and it’s better to research first before embarking on something that could hurt us. Besides, she should try hiking the moutain in our own backyard with me first before anything else.

Twin A is nursing a very bad cold and coughs so she stayed at home and most likely I will keep her at home tomorrow as well. Many of her classmates have contracted pneumonia and I’m so paranoid that she could’ve gotten it from them. She’s not yet out of the woods, you know. Pneumonia could be dangerous for somebody with TB.

After church, Twin I and I took photos of the nativity scene at the entrance of our university because the admin will be dismantling it tomorrow. Today, Feast of the Three Kings/Epiphany, officially marks the end of the Christmas season in the Philippines.

Ah, another work week ahead. 😑

My patient is gaining more weight. So far so good. I hope her next MRI would reveal that everything is fine so she can end her treatment by February. Well, her last MRI showed that she no longer has inflamation and the ascites have resolved on their own.

Thank you, Lord!

After her treatment, I should focus on my general check up and really make time to visit my gynecologist and dermatologist to have my osteoma removed.

Have to be vigilant because you know, genetics…

Meanwhile, the latest The Economist newsletter in my inbox directed me to their article about the most expensive cities in the world.

Here I was last week, beating myself up to a pulp because of guilt that I’m not in Singapore and I’m required to be there instead of stewing here. But this article assures me that I am where I’m supposed to be—unless they give me a salary that allows me to live in Singapore comfortably and send my kids to school.

But since they didn’t agree with my asking compensation, I shouldn’t feel guilty. I shouldn’t feel less of a person because I can’t fill the gap left by my colleague when she resigned.

So I shouldn’t feel stressed…but of course I am stressed. What to do?! And I’m about to terminate the contract with a Singapore freelancer who hasn’t turned in any article since hiring him six months ago. My manager is always on my back regarding this. 🫠

And my manager didn’t approve of my team’s plan to have the annual training next month or in March. It has to coincide with our conferences, she said. 😑

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When I was in kindergarten, I had a classmate who chased me all over the school premises to steal a kiss on my cheek.

I avoided him all throughout the school year because I was scared of him. Really, really scared.

Then when we were in first grade, we were in different classes but he still figured out a way how to chase me all over school to steal a kiss on my cheek again. He never did because I ran to different parts of our elementary school, even reaching the scary 7th Grade area just to hide from him.

My fear of him was carried throughout our elementary years but lessened in high school. However, I was still awkward around him. I doubt if he remembered his shenanigans when we were 5-6 years old but it left me scarred. We’re pretty civil towards each other but that’s about it.

Several years after, he followed me on Twitter and I followed him. I knew he is a medical doctor and specialized in palliative care. When the critical time came that my ex-mother-in-law was faced with the tough decision to whether she will still undergo chemo and radiotherapy or just go home, I bravely asked this classmate via DM on Twitter for advice and we talked on the phone. In the end, ex-MIL went home and did not go through the therapies because she wouldn’t be able to handle the side effects at her age so her family chose quality of life instead.

Why did I suddenly remember this?

When I had my walk two days ago, I passed by that elementary school and wondered why I always had vivid dreams of running all around along those corridors like I was being chased. I have those dreams maybe at least once a year. I don’t know but maybe I was traumatized without even recognizing it as trauma.

Maybe this is a result of my ability to remember things clearly, which is debilitating in a way because it developed my bias against this person who turns out to be a decent guy.

Anyway, that’s just one thought among the many that ran through my head when I had my 4.5-km walk. I missed it today because I was soooo busy with work.

I should do it tomorrow.