Once you pop, you can’t stop

Decathlon bike section. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

So I bought a bike. Then bought extras. This disease afflicts all new bikers, even the occasional biker like myself. Problem is I bought one accessory that doesn’t fit my folding bike so I have to go back to Decathlon to return it.

Now that I no longer have a mountain bike to hitch at the back of my car, I can finally have the interior cleaned. 🎉

I didn’t fully fold my bike but it can be smaller so it can be carried in trains or in condos. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

My triathlete friend said that bikes ruin the interior of your car. She and her husband (who’s a professional triathlon coach) prioritize the bikes over the car so our cars’ interiors share the same look. Madungis. 😁 They don’t want their bikes exposed to elements when traveling because the bikes are as expensive as second hand cars.

I brought along my bike yesterday when I transported his mountain bike to my hometown to deliver it to my nephew. I thought I could go around the campus but I arrived there at noon 😓 So freaking hot so I decided against it. I thought I could take advantage of the open spaces and traffic-less campus 😔 As my triathlete friend said, this is the disadvantage of living in Metro Manila: you need to have a car to transport your bike to a place that is more bike-friendly. Which is ironic 🤦🏻‍♀️ and moronic. Unlike in my hometown where it’s ridiculous to even bring your car to run errands like buying from a store outside the campus because 1) everything is so near; 2) no parking space. A bicycle or a motorbike is the way to go.

Metro Manila is a deathtrap for bikers.

That said, Singapore is supposedly ideal for bikes as main mode of transport but I seldom see people bike to work, unlike in Japan and Taiwan. I only saw a white dude in a suit riding a Segway. Which is a shame. If I transfer to Singapore, I will have a bike with me. I loved the mama-chari bikes in Japan so I rented one for a day when I was in Hitachi.

This new hobby sometimes make me forget him. However, biking is almost synonymous with him since I always drove him to places where he could bike around. Yup, I was a glorified chauffer. It was all that I meant to him.

F*ck you

I wish I can say this to you right now. I wish you can feel my angst. It’s what keeps me alive these days. Otherwise I would have fallen apart.

F*ck you.

That feels so much better.

Meet my new partner

Early evening fruit shake trip. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

It folds. I have no trouble shoving it at the back of my car. I can bring it with me anywhere.

We will have more adventures in the coming days. I’m creating new memories by myself with this new partner.

I think I’m fine with that because that’s the future I’m going to carve out for myself.

One day you’ll get tired

This was what a friend told me: you’ll eventually get tired of this. Just embrace it, don’t run away from it. Feel it. Grief is something you have to face head on. Cry all you want. Feel all you want. One day you’ll just get exhausted by it then you’ll just find yourself ready to walk away from it.

But right now, it’s ok to be angry. You have every right, she said. Do not deny yourself that right to be angry. Don’t give yourself a deadline; be kind to yourself. If you feel you did wrong, forgive yourself. If you feel like it’s your fault that you loved too much, forgive yourself.

As Neil Gaiman said, we don’t get over a broken heart. We just get better at living with the pain, with the wound that eventually becomes a scar. But it’s there. We just master the pain.

I don’t want this anymore. I want to be normal again.

But what is normal?

No, I take that back. Normal me is being gullible and vulnerable. What I should aspire for is being tough and emotionless.

So ok, I want to be tired soon. I want my sleep back. I want this to be over. I want to be very far away.

In my silence I would love to forget
But restitution hasn’t come quite yet
And with one accord I keep pushing forth
I stretch my heart to heal some more

It used to be all I want to learn
Was wisdom, trust, and truth
By now all I really want to learn
Is forgiveness for you

As my seasons change I’ve now grown to know
When one’s heart creates one’s soul doesn’t owe
So I wash away stains of yesterday
Then tempt my heart with love’s display

It used to be all I want to learn
Was wisdom, trust, and truth
By now all I really want to learn
Is forgiveness for you

It used to be all I want to learn
Was wisdom, trust, and truth
By now all I really want to learn
Is forgiveness for you

Picking up the pieces

Changing muffler. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I am now starting to accomplish things that I’ve put in the backburner for so long. I’ve changed the 15-year-old muffler with a new one and had the diesel engine calibrated. No more smoke belching. I will soon have some things fixed like autodoor locks and alarm and then new body repair and paint (my 🤷🏻‍♀️ brother stuck stickers on it that I couldn’t get rid of). The guy who worked on my engine said my car’s longevity is good, it’s one of the most fuel efficient cars out there, therefore, don’t let go of it.

I have a long pipeline of leads to work on.

I’m gonna schedule my cats’ surgeries soon after bloodwork.

I’m soon gonna have my osteoma removed. Just need to file medical leave. Then to chiropractor for back pain.

I will be buying myself later this week a folding bike that I can take with me on trips. I sold his mountain bike and deposited the proceeds to his account. One glaring thing that reminds me of him everyday will soon be gone. Some more to go. I just don’t know how to send it back to him.

I bought myself a bird of paradise plant from Mt. Makiling in my hometown. I will be picking up gardening again as vegetable prices have shot up. Hopefully they will be ready for harvest during the hot dry summer months.

I need to keep busy. Need to be tired. Need to be blank by night. Sleep still eludes me.