Category Archives: personal

Clingy

Posted on by
Kimchi and Sushi munching on catnip before testing their new scratchpad. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

My cats are clingy for cats. They’re not normal. They always–as in always–want to be near me. When I work, they insist that they should be with me in my room. At night they wouldn’t want to leave me; they wait at my door and grab the chance to sneak in when it cracks open. And when I get up from my chair, they will follow me to the door assuming that I would be getting out of the room.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Sushi demands to be petted. If she couldn’t get it from me, she goes down to the girls and asks for it. Kimchi, on the other hand, becomes a spidercat and climbs the window screens just because she can.

Kimchi sunning herself

They make a lot of mess. They require work and money (vet visits!). They’re my fur babies. And because they’re clingy, I could not go anywhere this Chinese New Year weekend since I cannot leave them without human supervision or else they would tear this house apart. That’s what pets do when they feel like they’re abandoned by their humans. I planned to go to Caliraya Lake in Cavinti, Laguna to bike and have new views but the scheduling might be tricky with my maids going off on Saturday.

Lake Caliraya. Photo by Carl James from Flickr. Found in www.vigattintourism.com

The alternative is to go to East Ridge in Binangonan and bike around there so I will be back by evening.

Until my cats complete their vaccines, I don’t want to risk bringing them out on walks with a leash or bringing them out on trips. Plus cats aren’t really fond of trips like dogs–at least the cats that we’ve had since I was a kid aren’t that adventurous.

I want to get away. So I can forget.

Amnesia

I drove by all the places we used to hang out getting wasted
I thought about our last kiss
How it felt, the way tasted
And even though your friends tell me your doin’ fine.

Are you somewhere feeling lonely even though he’s right beside you
When he says those words that hurt
You, do you read the ones I wrote you?
Sometimes I start to wonder
Was it just a lie?
If what we had was real
How could you be fine?
‘Cause I’m not fine at all

I remember the day you told me you were leaving
I remember the makeup runnin’ down your face
And the dreams you left behind you didn’t need them
Like every single wish we ever made.

I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
And forget about the stupid little things
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you
And the memories I never can escape
‘Cause I’m not fine at all

The pictures that you sent me
They’re still livin’ in my phone
I admit I like to see them
I’ll admit I feel alone
And all my friend keep asking why you’re not around.

It hurts to know your happy,
Yeah it hurts that you’ve moved on
It’s hard to hear your name when I haven’t seen you in so long
It’s like we never happened,
What is just a lie?
If what we had was real,
Gow could you be fine?
‘Cause I’m not fine at all

I remember the day you told me you were leaving
I remember the makeup runnin’ down your face
And the dreams you left behind,
You didn’t need them,
Like every-single wish we ever made

I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
And forget about the stupid little things
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you
And the memories I never can escape

If today I woke up with you right beside me
Like all of this was just some twisted dream
I’d hold you closer than I ever did before
And you’d never slip away
You’d never hear me say

I remember the day you told me you were leaving
I remember the makeup runnin’ down your face
And the dreams you left behind, you didn’t need them
Like every-single wish we ever made

I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
And forget about the stupid little things
Like the way if felt to fall asleep next to you
And the memories I never can escape
‘Cause I’m not fine at all

I’m really not fine at all

Tell me this is just a dream
I’m really not fine at all

One day at a time

Posted on by
Fresh veggies everyday. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Went on my usual weekly vegetable run after work. I’m a stronger cyclist now compared to when I started as I can pedal up on a slope/incline without shifting down gears to granny level. I still find myself chasing my breath when I get near the Registrar’s Office to drink from my water bottle. At least I make fewer stops now.

The essentials when cycling at dusk: bike lights (at the handle bars and at the back) and bell. Because cyclists are invisible to pedestrians and motorists alike. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I’m taking it one day at time. My journey out of this grief is slow. I tried to hurry it up earlier but it led to disastrous results. I made an ass of myself (kinda like that song “Without Me” by Claire Marlow). I will get there. Just like meeting the setting sun at the end of University Avenue. I will get there…

Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Hihigpitan ko ang kapit sa Diyos
Maliwanag na rin, heto na’t parating
Matatapos din ang pagsubok na ito

Armi Millare, “Kapit”

Wrong direction

Posted on by

I don’t hate you
No, I couldn’t if I wanted to
I just hate all the hurt that you put me through
And that I blame myself for letting you
Did you know I already knew?

Couldn’t even see you through the smoke
Looking back I probably should have known
But I just wanted to believe that you were out sleeping alone

Loved me with your worst intentions
Didn’t even stop to question
Everytime you burned me down
Don’t know how for a moment it felt like heaven

Loved me with your worst intentions
Painted us a happy ending
Everytime you burned me down
Don’t know how for a moment it felt like heaven

And it’s so gut wrenching
Falling in the wrong direction

On my tiptoes
But I still couldn’t reach your ego
Guess I was crazy to give you my body, my mind
Don’t know what I was thinking till now

Everyone thinks that you’re somebody else
You even convinced yourself

Couldn’t even see you through the smoke
Looking back I probably should have known
But I just wanted to believe that you were out sleeping alone

Loved me with your worst intentions
Didn’t even stop to question
Everytime you burned me down
Don’t know how for a moment it felt like heaven

Loved me with your worst intentions
Painted us a happy ending
Everytime you burned me down
Don’t know how for a moment it felt like heaven

And it’s so gut wrenching
Falling in the wrong direction

How did you sweep me right off my feet?
Baby I can’t keep falling in the wrong direction
How did you sweep me right off my feet? Right off my feet

Couldn’t even see you through the smoke
Looking back I probably should have known
But I just wanted to believe that you were out sleeping alone

Loved me with your worst intentions
Didn’t even stop to question
Everytime you burned me down
Don’t know how for a moment it felt like heaven

Loved me with your worst intentions
Painted us a happy ending
Everytime you burned me down
Don’t know how for a moment it felt like heaven

And it’s so gut wrenching
Falling in the wrong direction

The world is too small

Posted on by
Sunken Garden, UP Diliman. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

My world has gotten smaller and smaller. I barely get out of 5km radius of my home. I only get to see a glimpse of the outside world when I ride my bike, like yesterday. Just to get a glimpse of the sunset. To get out of my head.

January was too long for me. I guess February is the same. I’m a prisoner of this pandemic. I’m a prisoner of my mind as well. I want to escape. I want to be very far away from here.

Fruit shake. A simple treat while I rest before going back home. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

The one thing to look forward to in my excursions is this 16 oz fruit shake. My world has been reduced to that.

Next week I want to go on a social media hiatus because everything will have Valentine’s Day ads. Not that I really celebrate it but this time it’s really painful. Two years ago we were in Hong Kong and on V-day we hiked to Victoria Peak to see the sunset. We took the ferry on the way to Kowloon and it was cold. He was so sweet at that time. Had dinner in some hole-in-the-wall restaurant there in Kowloon and took the last train ride back to Sai Ying Pun.

I’m a prisoner of my mind. I want to get away from here. I want to erase the memories.

My little girl told me, “Mommy, we will be your date on V-day.” Yes, my darling daughters. My heart may have been ripped out of me but you are there to help fill the void. I may even grow a new heart because of you, my angels.

Just keep swimming

Posted on by

As Dory the Blue Tang in Finding Nemo said, you just keep swimming. When shit hits the fan, just keep swimming. When the sky collapses on you, just keep swimming. Because you need to live. Because the world will not stop.

So to keep me from dwelling on the past, I just have to keep busy. Use my hands, occupy my brain, prevent myself from thinking.

Growing food from food scraps and seedlings. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I revived my derelict container garden that is growing vegetables from food scraps and seedlings.

Growing lettuce seedlings. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I had been recycling egg crates, Coke bottles, and milk cartons to grow vegetables. Because they require more work, I embraced recycling to the hilt. To keep me occupied.

My sad bird of paradise. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I neglected this bird of paradise the past month–because you know, I was hardly a nurturing creature that time. Good thing it didn’t completely die. Just half of its leaves dried out; good thing there’s a new leaf bud there and the sucker below isn’t completely dead and hollowed out.

Breakfast. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I still get to cook on weekends. Weekday is just packed and I don’t have the strength to do it since I try to bike to UP every other day. Need to keep fit and lose weight. A lot of weight. To prove to the world I am so worth it and he is a fucking idiot. I may no longer be young but I am still so worth it.

So I just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. I need to drown out memories.

Bittersweet

Posted on by
National Science Complex, UP Diliman. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

This is the first time I’ve been here for months. We used to have our daily walks here during the lockdown. Most of the time it was just the two of us here. We walked around past Math, Chem (where we rescued the cats), around the observatory. We used to see sheep roaming around and sometimes when we passed by them, we could smell the stench of those animals.

Another angle. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

It was at this same hour we would be having those walks. To have a bit of “fresh” air. We used to watch the birds flit from branches. There were colorful birds that hopped on the grass, enjoying the absence of humans. Dogs past Math used to bark at us savagely. We still used to hold hands then… Before everything went south. Or was he pretending then because he didn’t have a choice since he was stuck because of the lockdown?

And if I would erase memories, I would be conflicted about erasing those memories here in Science Complex. Just like Joel in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, he suddenly didn’t want those memories erased. But the process has begun to wipe out Clementine.

How do we live with memories? I don’t know… I have this uncanny ability of wiping out memories. I have done it many times, especially when it hurt so bad. My cousin and my sis-in-law had to remind me of a very important but painful memory that was the biggest warning sign that I shouldn’t have gotten married 13 years ago. It was completely blocked out of my mind; I had no recollection of it but they told it was real and that it happened.

In the movie Eternal Sunshine, the one doing the erasing is a laboratory. In real life, I am the Lacuna Inc, I can do it on my own. The question is, do I want everything wiped out?