Sunset over Laguna de Bay. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
The urge to get out was so strong that I endured one hour of driving just to see this sunset (and a little bit of bicycling) in Eastridge yesterday. During last year’s Lunar new year holiday, we went to have lunch at Balaw-balaw in Angono, went to see the Petroglyphs, Morong Church, and then the Tanay Lighthouse until the sun had set.
I promised myself that I will show the girls this place and will watch the sunset with them here. Which we did yesterday.
The last time I was here trying to appreciate the sunset, he didn’t pay attention to it, to me, or to our surroundings. It was as if he didn’t want to be there with me and just wanted to ride his bike and be done with it. He didn’t talk to me. He only did talk to me when he wanted to buy the orchid being sold along the main road in Eastridge.
I want to bury those memories. I am supplanting it with better ones that didn’t stab me like a thousand knives.
I’m letting this all out so I don’t suffer in silence. I wanted to tell the world about this but of course I can’t. Where is the dignity in that? Unlike some of my friends in social media, I don’t air my dirty linen in public. But I’m looking for ways how to air this out because keeping it all in is killing me.
That sunset was so beautiful and yet fleeting. It only lasted about 10 to 15 mins then we were enveloped by darkness. It was like that episode in my life.
The best revenge is to live my life to the fullest. To be better than I was when I was with him. To be a kickass journalist. To be a better photographer. To be a better homemaker and parent. To be a better human being.
The clock doesn’t move backwards, so I shouldn’t.
Never struggle to chase love, affection, or attention. If it isn’t given freely by another person, it isn’t worth having.
Love is not just about the person. It is about the shared time, space, and memories of two people meshed together. Accept the impermanence, cherish the moments that may be our last. Enjoy it.
So no, I will not erase the memories because I said before, if I would be given a chance to go back in time, I will do it over and over, with no regrets. I think I have no regrets. I would just have to suffer the memories until the scars hurt no more.
There is beauty in impermanence, like the sakura. It only blooms for a short time and you hold on to it until it fades away. While it’s there, you enjoy it because you know it will soon be gone and it’s the memory of the sakura that you hold, that stays with you.
I did ask myself several times before, how long will this stay like this? Because he was very impulsive like Clementine in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and I told him that several times that his impulsiveness is sometimes his undoing. He comes and goes. I did write several times in the past, asked myself how long will I be able to hold on to him before he goes away again because I knew he will be bored. I think my only error in this entire story is that I deluded myself into thinking that he will stay even though I knew in the deep recesses of my mind he won’t.
Kimchi and Sushi munching on catnip before testing their new scratchpad. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
My cats are clingy for cats. They’re not normal. They always–as in always–want to be near me. When I work, they insist that they should be with me in my room. At night they wouldn’t want to leave me; they wait at my door and grab the chance to sneak in when it cracks open. And when I get up from my chair, they will follow me to the door assuming that I would be getting out of the room.
Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Sushi demands to be petted. If she couldn’t get it from me, she goes down to the girls and asks for it. Kimchi, on the other hand, becomes a spidercat and climbs the window screens just because she can.
Kimchi sunning herself
They make a lot of mess. They require work and money (vet visits!). They’re my fur babies. And because they’re clingy, I could not go anywhere this Chinese New Year weekend since I cannot leave them without human supervision or else they would tear this house apart. That’s what pets do when they feel like they’re abandoned by their humans. I planned to go to Caliraya Lake in Cavinti, Laguna to bike and have new views but the scheduling might be tricky with my maids going off on Saturday.
Lake Caliraya. Photo by Carl James from Flickr. Found in www.vigattintourism.com
The alternative is to go to East Ridge in Binangonan and bike around there so I will be back by evening.
Until my cats complete their vaccines, I don’t want to risk bringing them out on walks with a leash or bringing them out on trips. Plus cats aren’t really fond of trips like dogs–at least the cats that we’ve had since I was a kid aren’t that adventurous.
I want to get away. So I can forget.
Amnesia
I drove by all the places we used to hang out getting wasted I thought about our last kiss How it felt, the way tasted And even though your friends tell me your doin’ fine.
Are you somewhere feeling lonely even though he’s right beside you When he says those words that hurt You, do you read the ones I wrote you? Sometimes I start to wonder Was it just a lie? If what we had was real How could you be fine? ‘Cause I’m not fine at all
I remember the day you told me you were leaving I remember the makeup runnin’ down your face And the dreams you left behind you didn’t need them Like every single wish we ever made.
I wish that I could wake up with amnesia And forget about the stupid little things Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you And the memories I never can escape ‘Cause I’m not fine at all
The pictures that you sent me They’re still livin’ in my phone I admit I like to see them I’ll admit I feel alone And all my friend keep asking why you’re not around.
It hurts to know your happy, Yeah it hurts that you’ve moved on It’s hard to hear your name when I haven’t seen you in so long It’s like we never happened, What is just a lie? If what we had was real, Gow could you be fine? ‘Cause I’m not fine at all
I remember the day you told me you were leaving I remember the makeup runnin’ down your face And the dreams you left behind, You didn’t need them, Like every-single wish we ever made
I wish that I could wake up with amnesia And forget about the stupid little things Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you And the memories I never can escape
If today I woke up with you right beside me Like all of this was just some twisted dream I’d hold you closer than I ever did before And you’d never slip away You’d never hear me say
I remember the day you told me you were leaving I remember the makeup runnin’ down your face And the dreams you left behind, you didn’t need them Like every-single wish we ever made
I wish that I could wake up with amnesia And forget about the stupid little things Like the way if felt to fall asleep next to you And the memories I never can escape ‘Cause I’m not fine at all
I’m really not fine at all
Tell me this is just a dream I’m really not fine at all
Fresh veggies everyday. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Went on my usual weekly vegetable run after work. I’m a stronger cyclist now compared to when I started as I can pedal up on a slope/incline without shifting down gears to granny level. I still find myself chasing my breath when I get near the Registrar’s Office to drink from my water bottle. At least I make fewer stops now.
The essentials when cycling at dusk: bike lights (at the handle bars and at the back) and bell. Because cyclists are invisible to pedestrians and motorists alike. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I’m taking it one day at time. My journey out of this grief is slow. I tried to hurry it up earlier but it led to disastrous results. I made an ass of myself (kinda like that song “Without Me” by Claire Marlow). I will get there. Just like meeting the setting sun at the end of University Avenue. I will get there…
Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Hihigpitan ko ang kapit sa Diyos Maliwanag na rin, heto na’t parating Matatapos din ang pagsubok na ito
I don’t hate you No, I couldn’t if I wanted to I just hate all the hurt that you put me through And that I blame myself for letting you Did you know I already knew?
Couldn’t even see you through the smoke Looking back I probably should have known But I just wanted to believe that you were out sleeping alone
Loved me with your worst intentions Didn’t even stop to question Everytime you burned me down Don’t know how for a moment it felt like heaven
Loved me with your worst intentions Painted us a happy ending Everytime you burned me down Don’t know how for a moment it felt like heaven
And it’s so gut wrenching Falling in the wrong direction
On my tiptoes But I still couldn’t reach your ego Guess I was crazy to give you my body, my mind Don’t know what I was thinking till now
Everyone thinks that you’re somebody else You even convinced yourself
Couldn’t even see you through the smoke Looking back I probably should have known But I just wanted to believe that you were out sleeping alone
Loved me with your worst intentions Didn’t even stop to question Everytime you burned me down Don’t know how for a moment it felt like heaven
Loved me with your worst intentions Painted us a happy ending Everytime you burned me down Don’t know how for a moment it felt like heaven
And it’s so gut wrenching Falling in the wrong direction
How did you sweep me right off my feet? Baby I can’t keep falling in the wrong direction How did you sweep me right off my feet? Right off my feet
Couldn’t even see you through the smoke Looking back I probably should have known But I just wanted to believe that you were out sleeping alone
Loved me with your worst intentions Didn’t even stop to question Everytime you burned me down Don’t know how for a moment it felt like heaven
Loved me with your worst intentions Painted us a happy ending Everytime you burned me down Don’t know how for a moment it felt like heaven
And it’s so gut wrenching Falling in the wrong direction
Sunken Garden, UP Diliman. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
My world has gotten smaller and smaller. I barely get out of 5km radius of my home. I only get to see a glimpse of the outside world when I ride my bike, like yesterday. Just to get a glimpse of the sunset. To get out of my head.
January was too long for me. I guess February is the same. I’m a prisoner of this pandemic. I’m a prisoner of my mind as well. I want to escape. I want to be very far away from here.
Fruit shake. A simple treat while I rest before going back home. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
The one thing to look forward to in my excursions is this 16 oz fruit shake. My world has been reduced to that.
Next week I want to go on a social media hiatus because everything will have Valentine’s Day ads. Not that I really celebrate it but this time it’s really painful. Two years ago we were in Hong Kong and on V-day we hiked to Victoria Peak to see the sunset. We took the ferry on the way to Kowloon and it was cold. He was so sweet at that time. Had dinner in some hole-in-the-wall restaurant there in Kowloon and took the last train ride back to Sai Ying Pun.
I’m a prisoner of my mind. I want to get away from here. I want to erase the memories.
My little girl told me, “Mommy, we will be your date on V-day.” Yes, my darling daughters. My heart may have been ripped out of me but you are there to help fill the void. I may even grow a new heart because of you, my angels.
