A new page in my old Moleskine that I have not filled up the past 3 years.
This is the year that I will fall in love with taking care of myself. I will be selfish. I will have to think about myself. If I have to be a cold-blooded bitch, then so be it. I have to survive. I have to function because I have other people depending on me. I cannot afford to be weak and dying.
San ba nakakabili ng paputok na to?
If I have to get rid of all of my human feelings and be numb, so be it. He has already taken everything from me anyway, so whatever feelings I have now would have to be blasted off to space with this giant firecracker in the picture above.
Goodbye, feelings. I don’t need you anymore. Ever.
So it seems like everyone is making plans for 2021 after wasting an entire notebook/planner for 2020 because that year was so fucked up.
My 2020 journal was actually almost empty except for some really revealing entries about how insecure my relationship with J was. There were so many things to write about 2020 because anxiety was running high and all that shebang that came with the pandemic but i didn’t. Was too wound up to even write about my anxieties, my feelings of hopelessness and helplessness.
Photo by Callmecreation.com
None of my plans for 2020 pushed through. Well, except for the training part. It’s heartbreaking. I even planned to go to S. Korea with him in May. Coron in February.
I don’t know if there’s still a point in planning for 2021.
I only allow them on my bed when I’m already about to change sheets.
I have four children to date: the first set of twins are two-legged and the second set of twins are the four/fur-legged kind. The latter ones were rescued from a storm drain in UP during lockdown earlier this year when J had our daily walks there.
We were at the back of IC when we heard frantic meowing from down below. It was from a storm drain. There were several kittens but only one was brave enough to interact with us. However, our arms were too short to reach the kitties so we looked for a stick and then a sack where they can ride/latch on. The smart kitty knew that it was her only chance of survival so she clung for dear life on that sack. We cleaned her up and took her home. I think they haven’t been weaned yet but were old enough for solid food. We offered her kibbles and she pounced on it hungrily.
When my kitties were still small.
We named her Kimchi, the one with a black mark on her face.
However, we couldn’t rest easy and J wanted to take the other kittens home. We came back for them the next day but only one was meowing. The others must have died already. So we did the same rescue method and successfully extricated this last survivor and brought her home.
We called her Sushi. Kimchi was so happy to see her when we brought her home.
Life was never the same. Our small family became bigger and messier. But it was fun. They both fell really ill at some point; and because they came from the wild, they have parasites and viruses that they had to fight off. We almost lost Kimchi. Good thing I was already experienced in nursing sick pets, which I had done since I was a kid, so she pulled through. Plus the same vigil and care I devoted to my first set of (human) twins when they were in the ICU for a month after they were born helped me to be patient and strong, ergo, I was already trained to nurse the very sick.
Kimchi fighting for her life.
A few months after, it was Sushi who fell really ill. Same nursing I did saved her from death by vomitting and diarrhea.
Hopefully, no more illnesses like that. I should have more time these days to bring them to the vet for their regular shots and deworming.
Ah these spoilt cats. They’re well loved. When the kitties were still small, they loved sleeping on the back of the couch.
So now it’s just us. A single mom with four children. If this is a pattern in my life, I should just skip the acquisition of a dad and just go straight to the adoption of fur babies. Saves me the heartache.
Maybe when I have my own house or I am able to rent a bigger townhouse I would adopt a dog. But for now, I’m a cat lady. Most cat ladies I know stay single for a long, long time. Or forever.
Co-dependency is not a disorder. It is a learned behavior that can be reversed, or so the experts say. Just like most co-dependents, I learned it from my mother. And just like other co-dependents, I never had a good model of what a healthy romantic relationship looks like. That’s why we (the girls in my family) always had dysfunctional relationships.
I want to cut the chains. I don’t want my girls to learn this behavior. I want them to see for themselves that they can exist and be loved without having to depend on external sources (partner) and be happy. That they have to be happy with themselves and be fulfilled. They don’t need validation from other people. They should see that they just shouldn’t accept crumbs of love from their partner. They deserve to be loved wholly and truthfully.
I deserve to be loved wholly and truthfully. I should be loved for what I am and not for what I could offer. I should no longer accept crumbs. Nor pity nor guilt. And I should stick into the gray matter between my ears that people who deserve me will make the effort to stay in my life. Not throw me away after my usefulness has expired.
Love myself to cut the chains. That’s my resolution for 2021.
Kalimutan mo na sya, hindi ka nya mahal. At ang tanging nasabi nya lang sa yo ay sorry.
Paalam Paalam Paalam Paalam Sa ating nakaraan (Paalam) Sa mga pinagsisihan (Paalam) Sa aking nadarama (Paalam) Kaya ko na ng wala ka Sa naging pagmamahalan (Paalam) Sa mga pangakong naiwanan (Paalam) Wala na ‘kong pagsisisihan At sa wakas ay kakalimutan At kahit ‘di nagpaalam ‘Di bale na kung nasaktan Ika’y naging sapat Kahit tinapon ang lahat Paalam
I regretted nothing. I’ve flipped everything over in my head and I would still have done the same, whatever the situation would have been. I’ve given whatever I could and I would have done the same thing again. Maybe with a little more restraint and loved myself more?
But there are things that are out of my hands, curve balls to topple me down. That’s what happened.
I pray for all the strength I would need to face this coming year. I don’t think I can take any more pain.
This is Kimchi. She used to be our cat but now she is just mine. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
My cat’s face sums up my mood for days now. Sleepy and floating. Blinded by too much sunlight. I prefer to hibernate in my dark and cool cave. Away from people. Away from the real world that is getting more fucked up day by day. Just let me have this chance to escape reality for a bit more because by 4 January I need to live again.
Sunlight streaming through my curtains. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
This is how my cave looks like throughout the day. I love that it is in semi-darkness; he didn’t like it though because it’s not conducive for work. That’s exactly why I like it. It encourages my spirit to rest.
Too many people at Shopwise Cubao. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
However, as much as I want to stay in bed the whole day, I had to haul my ass off to the supermarket before the whole world descends on it for New Year’s eve food shopping. As much as possible I avoid the crowds. I hate holiday shopping even before the pandemic.
After this exhausting grocery shopping, I don’t think I can ride his bike to UP to buy veggies. If there’s one habit that J left me with, it’s the increased vegetable intake. Even in my mom’s house I nag them about food, particularly serving more veggies every meal. Because of that I end up cooking for everyone. 🤦🏻♀️
