I’ve talked to two HR managers today–two cousins of mine who works and worked in global companies–for career advice.
It has been weighing on my mind for months and months. Both of them gave me some kind of solution to my predicament, but each gave me a different approach. So I’ll sleep on it and if I still feel the same tomorrow, then I roll into action.
But right now I’m starting to get a bit… apprehensive. What if there’s really no room for me to maneuver? What if the solution is like jumping from the frying pan into the fire?
How to be brave?
I’ve taken so many risks in my life and I’ve been strong because I have no other choice because I’m a single parent. But I don’t know if I am brave or just foolish.
This one song had a profound effect on me, especially the lines:
“Years go by, will I still be waiting for somebody else to understand? Years go by, if I’m stripped of my beauty and the orange clouds raining in my head Years go by, will I choke on my tears ’til, finally there is nothing left One more casualty, you know we’re too easy, easy, easy“
Because of this song, I promised myself I will not waste away my years and end up at 65 years old, asking myself where has my life gone? It was 2016. I told the the father of my kids about me filing an annulment case. Because of these most powerful lines:
…I said sometimes I hear my voice I hear my voice, I hear my voice, and it’s been here Silent all these years. I’ve been here silent all these years Silent all these, silent all these years
After I got off that horrible situation, I thought I found “somebody else to understand” me. Nope. This need for some kind of understanding was exploited. And landed me in a situation where “I choked on my tears ’til finally there is nothing left.”
I’m still trying to recover. I’m still trying to find my voice because staying silent through the years, when I gave more energy than I received, is like being disembowelled. I died but I kept on living.
Tori Amos, you do not have any idea how much your song changed me.
When I was still teaching in UP, I always introduce my students to the concept of political economy of media in real world settings. Not the kind that you read in textbooks or essays of academics. I tell them how the day-to-day decisions in the newsroom are affected by this. It’s about what story gets killed because the newspaper/TV network’s sacred cows would be offended. Or a real estate company would threaten the advertising department with an ad pullout if the article written by a supposedly independent-minded journalist is slanted differently. You have your ideals as a reporter and an editor but then the powers that be have a different view. As my ex-boss said before, it’s an everyday battle. You keep pushing the envelope; testing how far your sense of justice and fairness can get you.
The Philippine Daily Inquirer was the first newspaper I wrote for. I had been writing for them when I was still in college, which spilled over to my first few months as a fresh grad research assistant. It was born when the country was about to mount an uprising against dictator Ferdinand Marcos. It was founded by Eugenia “Eggie” Apostol, who led Mr and Ms, an innocent-looking magazine that contained anti-dictatorship articles, subversive stories that people like my parents were consuming like mad during the time all media outfits not under Marcos’ thumb are shut down (we had mountains of those magazines at the back of our house, together with Malaya).
It was a newspaper that defied the government when it was wrong. It fought for what was right. It was THE newspaper after Manila Times never recovered its footing after Chino Roces got imprisoned by Marcos and had to sell his newspaper. After some years, Eggie Apostol stepped down and Letty Jimenez-Magsanoc took the reins. She was an equally tough lady who faced a threat of closure by Joseph Estrada when his own presidency was threatened after scandal after scandal was uncovered (which led to another revolt against a sitting president). Manila Times under Lisa Gokongwei did not survive the economic pressures from Estrada after my friend wrote that famous “unwitting ninong” article about the insider trading involving BW Resources and the president. Gokongwei had to sell the Times to an Estrada crony.
Inquirer was the first newspaper that stumbled upon one of the biggest corruption stories of the decade, if not decades, which started with a simple kidnapping case filed with the National Bureau of Investigation around 2012-2013. (I also picked up this “pork barrel” scandal and was part of the investigative team for my own news organization that focused on this and our stories competed and complemented the stories produced by the Inquirer). That newspaper was instrumental for sending three senators ALMOST to prison (the courts have overturned whatever progress we had, after Duterte came into power because crooks gotta band together).
Now I feel that the Inquirer is already a puppet newspaper. It has folded under the pressure from some bit players in that pork barrel scam. The pressure though may not just be coming from one Melo del Prado but from some more sinister quarters of Duterte’s world. I don’t know; it normally wouldn’t succumb to such small fry. But then Duterte has already crippled the owners, the Prietos, when he came into power and there was a point that Ramon Ang, the president and CEO of San Miguel Corp, was about to take over the newspaper because financially they couldn’t cope anymore.
And here is Prof. La Vina’s take on the whole thing:
Yesterday I died, tomorrow’s bleeding Fall into your sunlight The future’s open wide, beyond believing To know why hope dies And losing what was found, a world so hollow Suspended in a compromise But the silence of this sound is soon to follow But somehow sundown
And finding answers is forgetting all of the Questions we call home Passing the graves of the unknown
As reason clouds my eyes with splendor fading Illusions of the sunlight A reflection of a lie will keep me waiting with love gone for so long
And this day’s ending is the proof of time killing all the faith I know Knowing that faith is all I hold
And I’ve lost who I am, and I can’t understand Why my heart is so broken, rejecting your love Without, love gone wrong; lifeless words carry on But I know, all i know is that the end’s beginning Who I am from the start, take me home to my heart Let me go and I will run, I will not be silent All this time spent in vain; wasted years wasted gain All is lost but hope remains and this war’s not over There’s a light, there’s a sun taking all these shattered ones To the place we belong, and his love will conquer all
Yesterday I died, tomorrow’s bleeding Fall into your sunlight
Been swimming in David Hodges (including Trading Yesterday, Arrows to Athens) songs the past 48 hours. I don’t know why. I haven’t listened to him in years. Maybe because he has been very apt for the past few days.
It’s Monday again; it’s such a struggle to be productive but against all odds I was. There was a “little” mishap during today’s press conference not of my doing (never trust other people to do their jobs well) but I still managed to salvage what could be salvaged and still end up triumphant. But I ended up rushing a time-sensitive story, rushing to publish ahead of competition. I hedged an article related to this one last week, which was a good call since today could have gone another way. My 20-year experience always gets tested in situations like these.
To calm my frayed nerves. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I had to grab one bottle of Smirnoff to calm me down after the hectic day I’ve had. I had to finish another very long article today that was already overdue while trying to rush that time-sensitive story. And my editing jobs had piled up on me from last Friday.
All I wanted was to float today.
I wanted to process so many things today but life gets in the way.
Like you know, you can’t stop the world from turning just because yours already stopped but your children’s worlds continue to move on. You cannot die even if you’re already dead because your children need to go on living. You cannot afford to be suspended in air because your children need you. You have no choice but to be strong when you just want to buckle and give in. Because you’re tired of fighting. But fight you must, for your children.
Thus is the life of a solo parent. You carry the weight of the world and that is yours alone to bear.
I won’t quit, not just yet. Because you know why? I’m a great loss and I’m a threat. I will bid my time. The ball is in my hand. I’ll know when it is time.
Just like in other aspects of my life, they will only see my value after I’m gone.
And I’m having the last laugh. Good riddance.
No more feeling sorry for myself. No one can shortchange me again. I have everything; they’ve got nothing. Because I am me and they cannot replicate me.