19 Dec 2020
The last time I hugged him. I asked for the last hug. He didn’t hug back. That’s how much he loathed me.
I’m still fixing myself.
Category Archives: personal
Happy
I’m in this weird situation where I’m happy with the now. I don’t know why but I am. The photo above is how my room looked like before sleeping. It makes me happy. I’m comfortable, rested, and a bit stress-free. I don’t have any ambition now professionally or I’m already in this state where I can just take whatever comes my way. That I may be done chasing and going up the ladder.
My cousin, who’s a journalist in New York, emailed me that her friend’s friend works for National Geographic and is looking for a Philippines-based freelancer to contribute. I would have loved the chance to contribute there! NatGeo was the reason why I wanted to go into science/environmental journalism. However, given the work load that I have and I am moving up, I have to give it a pass and give the gig to a friend. And I was fine with that. Years ago I would have kicked myself for letting an opportunity like this pass. But maybe I’m already satisfied with life? I don’t know. Maybe I don’t have anything to prove anymore? Let’s just say, if that is meant for me, it will come my way again when I am less tied up. I have to balance things and my priority is my day job because it provides for my family. I cannot stretch myself too thinly and make a mess of my day job and the dream gig.
One day.
I’m still stabilizing myself. Recovering from a life-changing heartbreak is not easy. I have to take it easy and not be too greedy.
But I’m happy that I’m in this position now that I can choose and say no to a dream gig. That’s quite something. The power to choose.
Comfortingly familiar
I don’t know if I should be upset but I have recurring dreams about or set in our old house where I grew up. It was a small house in an area that J would have called ghetto. But it was a place where I learned how to deal with people from all walks of life. My father was obsessed with home ownership as he grew up materially/financially insecure. Home ownership was something my parents worked at even though they were struggling PhD students/candidates, assistant professors working on their tenure, putting four children though private school. So that was they all could afford–a small house in a neighborhood that you had to access through an esquinita (street corner turning into an alley). But as early as 1984 they were already working on building a bigger house right inside the university so they knew we won’t have to stay there that long.
Anyway, for the past few weeks or months, I had vague dreams set in that place or a similar-looking place. I cannot remember what exactly those dreams were but I knew by feeling it was set there or it was about it.
It was sort of…comforting. It was familiar, it was like being in a womb. After waking up, I have some kind of feeling similar to what I feel when I hear the song “These Dreams” by Heart.
I don’t know…maybe I’m looking for some kind of comfort because I’m just a fraud. I pretend and put up a front that I am brave and a strong single mother and I get things together but in reality I’m just scared and insecure. Maybe I just want to feel protected. Maybe I’m just tired being strong.
This is also probably why Kimchi keeps on sleeping near me or with me. It’s familiar, it’s comforting. It’s like being in a womb. She can just let go because she knows she is protected.
It comes from out of nowhere
It must be the confinement, the crappy feeling I have because of the booster shot, or maybe I had a dream that I no longer remember now that triggered that melancholic feeling I had earlier today.
I suddenly missed him.
I tried quelling that feeling the entire morning so I just stayed in bed, answering emails on my phone. Took a nap just to get rid of the feeling or else I would be bogged down the entire day when I have deadlines.
Well, I lost half a day. I promise to be better tomorrow. This confinement is not good for my healing.
I want to have a dog again. Once we transfer to my hometown, I’m gonna get me a rescue dog.
33,000 and counting
I received this from my Zennya app two days ago. This is how terrible the situation is right now. The DOH reported 33k new cases today, and this does not include those who just used antigen tests and those who chose not to test at all because of the lack of test kits or testing labs still operating at capacity. My nephew tested positive for Covid via antigen test after exhibiting symptoms (he’s still unvaccinated because vaccination for kids 5-11 years old have not started yet). He has fever, colds, cough, vomiting, headaches…Of course my mom’s entire household may be infected too, it’s just that they’ve already had their booster shots so the symptoms are not that bad or no symptoms at all. They need to isolate again for 10 days.
My sister says she suspects that the carrier is their bi-weekly cleaner who refuses to be vaccinated.
One of my high school classmates who’s a nurse said there is an unusual surge of people now wanting to be vaccinated. I told him, who wouldn’t want to be vaccinated in this situation?
Even though there’s no strict lockdown now, people are just too afraid to go out. Yesterday only a few like me dared to go out because of vaccination. A reporter posted on Facebook that she was the only customer in a restaurant in Greenbelt today. Greenbelt is deserted.
Meanwhile, Comelec’s database was hacked again ahead of the national elections. The hack in 2016 was the biggest data breach, topping that of Turkey, that same month.
Comelec is denying Manila Bulletin’s story but I’d rather believe Art Samaniego (who broke the story about BDO Unibank’s security breach that led to funds of 700 depositors being siphoned off) than a government agency that has been told by the National Privacy Commission that it is guilty of violating the Data Privacy Act for the 2016 hacking incident.
To help me balance these WTF news, I just turn to my cats. They’re my stress relievers. They’re so lovely to squish.
Our laser pointer got broken. I need to buy a new one to exercise the cats.
I still feel like crap today because of the after effects of the booster shot but I had back to back calls today. No rest for the weary. My head was pounding and I felt feverish at times so I had to lie down in between calls. Finally at around 4 pm I took a nap and woke up at 5 pm and I no longer felt uploading one story on our CMS.
My boss told me our global head is going to call me in the coming weeks regarding my promotion and the alternative to moving to Singapore. I am adamant that I will not move to Singapore.
Look, if these companies in Forbes’ list can grant remote working, why can’t my company too? I mean there is little reason for them to plant me there when all the admin stuff is already concentrated in London. Client meetings and such can be scheduled when I fly in there.
It was different when J was still here. I would have worked my way into transferring to Singapore if he chose to do so for his career. But things are different now.
Booster
I saw on Instagram this noon that you can just “walk in” or rather drive through for a booster shot at the Department of Foreign Affairs (DFA) in Pasay City and they’re giving Moderna. I quickly took a shower and got dressed, hoping that I could make it because they’re offering it only until 3 pm.
It was 20 km away from my apartment but it only took me 30 mins to reach DFA via Skyway 3. It’s ok if I had to pay PhP 400+ for roundtrip toll as long as I’m done with this booster business ASAP.
I had to wait for 30 mins after receiving the vaccine for any allergic reaction (my histamine went haywire twice when I got Sinovac before) but so far I had no no rashes or itchiness.
It took me only 30 mins to get back to QC so I took this opportunity to run errands since I’m already out. I bought A LOT of paracetamol and antihistamines from The Generics Pharmacy near our house and went to UP for veggies.
It has been a long time since I last been here. They built a makeshift half basketball court in the middle of the compound (the old tennis courts) where Enriquez vegetable and fruit shop is located. It seems like life is normal here except for the sight of masked people. Sharp contrast to the streets earlier today where it’s eerily quiet and only a few vehicles are out.
Finally, I could feel the effects of the vaccine. I took one paracetamol tablet and now I feel like I’m high or floating. I’m sleepy and my whole body aches. It’s only a few mins past 6 pm but I think I’ll call it a day.
G’night.