I’m not myself today. I edited 6 stories, I think, while doing some admin stuff. It was supposed to be ok but I wasn’t. I should have just let this be a basura day but I worked my ass off even after publishing two stories yesterday.
I felt ugly and fat today. I feel inconsequential. I just want to lay on a hammock and let this feeling fade away.
Being triggered so much last night reminded me that I should be kinder to myself. I need to put these feelings on paper, with color. Just to let this all out. I’m not good with drawing and painting but it’s an outlet that is different from my day job. Cheaper than photography too.
I clicked. Yes, I finally bought that Kuretake Gansai Tambi. I justified the expense as necessary for my mental health. And that #1 brush.
Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com
I put them in frames temporarily so that the cats wouldn’t be able to destroy them. The Baguio trees would be given to Kr while the flowers would be hung downstairs until I produce better ones.
UPDATE: I couldn’t sleep
Art and photo by CallMeCreation.comI used paintbrush #000 and it’s freaking hard! Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com
My gay friend, K, told me he’s in Makati Med for a burst appendix. He should’ve told me earlier so I could’ve visited him. He said it’s ok, he was in a lot of pain anyway. I told him I’m gonna send him home cooked food when he comes home to his condo. He says he loves my cooking and was delighted. I’ll throw in a Chinese botanical drawing to cheer him up. He has been very supportive of my art therapy.
I have a lot of friends, I have to remind myself. They love me and I love them. I should count my blessings.
This feeling should fade away. Tomorrow will be better. I’ll just have to adjust and work somewhere else probably.
Maybe on Saturday we can go to National Art Museum and then to Intramuros. Have lunch or dinner along Manila Bay.
This clip makes you think Metro Manila is ok. 😶 So deceptive.
“O my gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad! He’s a fuck boi!” my bff, L, told me today after I related to her what happened and the things I learned during the entire month of February—the reason why I was missing in action.
“Yeah, that’s why I’m into art therapy now. One sketch/painting a day. It helps me a lot along with the medication,” I said.
“Medication helps a lot if you’ve gone through something heavy like that,” said this friend who lost her daughter to placenta abruptio. She knows grief.
“Wait, he went after a transwoman???” She exclaimed after showing her the FB profile of the slut. I told her that making my children as an excuse for breaking up with me was bullshit from the very start.
“No, she’s a woman,” I said.
“But she looks like a gay person! If she didn’t have dyed hair, she looks like the lady who’s selling bananas at our street corner,” she pointed out.
“She’s a woman. And they fuck each other on the bed sheets I gave him. On the sofa cover I bought him. Basically all the stuff in his condo I bought for him.”
“Gurrrrrrrrrrrlllllll. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. My baby is now more awake at daytime so I had been busy. I wasn’t there for you,” L exclaimed.
“It’s ok. I have my support system here. Plus intensive art therapy.”
He has another one after moving out of the condo we had leased together, I told L. And chasing others as well at the same time, I told her. She knows how extensive my network is. I don’t want to know anymore.
“What a fuck boi. I’m sorry,” she said. “No wonder you keep buying a lot of Ikea frames,” she added.
“Now you know why I no longer trust people. That’s why I’m coming back home.”
Before this conversation with L, I had dreamed about him that’s why I got so triggered and kept waking up every hour until 7 am today. I have to take alprazolam tonight to help me sleep.
I’m so triggered today that I’m attempting do a more complicated Chinese botanical painting on a 5×7 watercolor paper that would require 100% concentration so it doesn’t leave me headspace to think about other things.
Half of the drawing. This would be full-on botanical. Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com
I’m so triggered that I would click on that button to buy that Kuretake Gansai Tambi after I finish this thing above.
UPDATE
Turn your anger into more productive things. Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com
I’m so triggered that I doubt I would be sleeping tonight so I would be making two small watercolor paintings. I’m so triggered that I just want to sleep and wake up in 2023 and not remember anything.
U.S., Europe ban on Russian products and delayed Iran nuclear talks spark fears
A friend posted on Instagram the cost of filling up his SUV. It’s more than PHP 3,000 = the cost of a new tire. Another friend posted that Grab Car costs PHP 500 from Mandaluyong to QC.
It’s really getting out of hand. By tomorrow, gas would increase by at least PHP 5 a liter. It’s going to be a nightmare for basic goods and services.
When Nikkei dropped this morning, I was able to buy ETFs in a momentary dip and it climbed back up before the market closed. Good for my portfolio, bad for the rest of the country overall.
I would be attending a webinar tomorrow by another global investment bank about this Ukraine crisis and how it is affecting ASEAN. At the same time, I have a regional conference to attend tomorrow until Friday and I’m still figuring it out how to split myself into three persons since I also have a press conference on Wednesday and a couple of deadlines.
I was craving for fish. And sushi. So I made some for our dinner.
I finally bought again a bamboo rolling mat. Photo by CallMeCreation.comMaguro sashimi. I bought frozen tuna from SaveMore last week. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I made a dip with soy sauce and roasted ginger and wasabe. Mmmmmmmm 🥰 I seared the surface of the tuna on a hot pan but it’s still raw inside.
For those who did not like raw tuna, I made Spam-egg rice rolls.
Now I ran out of ingredients to make gimbap/maki on a whim. I always must have these ingredients on hand if I suddenly craved for such. I also have on my Lazada cart dashi powder and I’m still searching for bonito flakes so I can make other Japanese dishes. I still have a tub of soybean paste for soups.
Kimchi keeping me from working this morning. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
So my cats wouldn’t want me to work. This morning Kimchi kept me from opening my notebooks and I was about to lead a meeting in a few minutes after this photo was taken. Such an obnoxious cat.
All they want to do is hang out with Mommy. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
They just want my attention. 😂 Just like the girls.
Spoke with my shrink an hour ago or so and I related the latest hiccup in my psychotherapy (i.e. the painting and the subsequent anxiety attack that ensued). She said she is keeping the current dosage of my alprazolam because she is unsure whether another similar incident would occur in the very near future that could send me into a tizzy and derail my recovery. I told her about my propensity for buying stuff to make me feel better. She said it’s ok as long as it’s under control. When she says “under control”, it’s relative to how bipolar people spend—when they’re in their mania stage (very happy), they would spend so much that they would run their credit card to the maximum credit limit. In my case, it’s the opposite; I soothe my hurt feelings (very down on serotonin) to boost my morale and I’m not spending much vis a vis my income.
She says just continue with my art therapy and always have my support system so when I get derailed I won’t sink. She also said she is validating my feelings towards the incident and I have a very good reason for feeling that way. She said it is very understandable. And she says it’s very strange that after 14 months he sends something like that when I am already trying to live my own life so it’s hard to gauge what the intention was/is. Hence, she is keeping the same dosage for my meds because the situation is unpredictable and we wouldn’t know if I would have another anxiety attack if I get triggered again for some reason. She also recommended that I go out regularly to distract me and have a healthy relationship with society.
Probably I’ll go out on Thursday or Friday and work in some coffee shop under the trees. There used to be a coffee shop at Vargas Museum in UP where I worked from time to time. Or I’ll book a diving session at Dive Plunge Club to release energy.
Gas is very expensive. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
This is a horror story all too real. I feel bad for the jeep, taxi, Grab and all delivery guys out there who are very reliant on gas for their livelihood. The middle class is already hurting too but it’s the little guys who are bleeding right now.
Aside from food costs, some bourgeoisie concerns are hitting me right now. The price of cat little went up by PHP 50 per 10 L so it’s now PHP 300. It’s a 17% increase. Cat food (Special Cat by Monge) rose by I think PHP 10-20 per kg. Earlier I was thinking of going to Cartimar Pet Center in Pasay to get wholesale prices but I decided against it because it is 12 km away from my house. But now that the prices have shot up, I think going to Pasay is going to be worth it in the end.
I think I’m going to be shocked by the prices of veggies on Tuesday when I go to UP to buy our weekly supply.
Yes, I bought a new laser pointer to drive the cats crazy again. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Having pets is expensive and it’s a life-long commitment. You don’t get a dog or a cat just because—and then give it away or resell it because you’re moving away or you grew tired of them. That’s just too cruel. The pets bond with you. These cats look to me as their mommy (a hairless mommy cat) and being abandoned by a second time would truly break their hearts. Last night Kimchi was waiting for us by the window when we arrived from Makati.
Their scratching post that I just repaired tonight. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
It’s like being a parent to real kids. You provide them with a stimulating environment so they can thrive. That’s the reason why I don’t want to get a dog in the city. I want my dogs to roam around freely in my yard and they can run whenever they want. When I still lived in my hometown, it was not a problem since they had like 200 sqm of front and backyard all to themselves. Vets are plenty since the College of Veterinary Medicine is just right there. The dean was my friend’s mom so getting treatment at the vet hospital was not difficult. I had a number of vet friends that I can call for pet medical emergencies.
When I was about to submit my application to UP, my dad urged me to consider taking vetmed since I had a menagerie and he thought it’s where my interests lie. I briefly thought about it but I could not imagine dealing with animals day in and day out vs writing and chasing stories 24/7. I chose the latter. Plus I don’t like organic chemistry and there was no way I can avoid it when I take vetmed. If it’s any consolation, my mom also struggled with organic chemistry in her undergrad years. She took it twice. I aced my general chemistry during my undergrad but anything beyond that did not make sense to me. That’s why I struggled with some parts of limnology when we got to the part of hydrogen sulfide toxicity levels and fish kills because I couldn’t map out properly the chemical reactions especially in aquaculture-heavy bodies of water where the rate of eutrophication is high. I understand the concept but when we go to the nitty-gritty of it…hah! Computing for dissolved oxygen at the bottom of Taal Lake was a nightmare for me in one particular exam where I failed.
Anyway, I digressed.
I’m finding ways now how to reduce the sodium content of my cats’ food so I tried buying chicken necks and boiled them for the cats. The two critters just sniffed at it and trotted off. They like fried fish though. Our Manila reporter’s dog had surgery last week because of kidney stones. Some vet friends said some pet foods have high sodium content so sometimes it helps if we vary the food of our pets.
Ms Butingting strikes again.
I thought the bluetooth hardware of this old gaming laptop was a goner. I searched for solutions on the interwebs and experimented with some software updates…in the process I lost connection for my dual screen monitors…IN THE END IT PAID OFF. I have my Bluetooth connection back. And the monitors back as well. I was afraid I would have to open the laptop and search if there was a physical disconnection somewhere. 😰 Whew! I was able to solve it. No need to rush having a new desktop computer assembled when we have semiconductor supply issues now.
While I was driving to and from Tiendesitas this afternoon and evening, I was thinking that I really don’t have to enroll/take reviews to get a CIIA if I’m not too keen on shifting industries. I would just make myself miserable just because I want to be busy to recover from a heartbreak. I could just enroll in art classes and go back to photography to distract myself. My colleague-friend said she took CFA exams because she figured she can’t be a journalist forever if she wants to stay in Singapore and not go back home to HK (because there’s really nothing to go back home to there now) and it was a good way to be productive to recover from Jaded.
Meanwhile, I could just become a communications consultant while immersing myself again in the academe—if needed—since I know this industry like the back of my hand. I already have some kind of expertise in it now and at this age, I cannot be a half-baked something. Like a Jill-of-all-trades, master of nothing.
My older sister just had a short course with a known local visual artist and there you go—she was able to mount an exhibit in 2018. She didn’t change careers (she’s still an economist with a PhD in a related niche industry) but going into visual arts provided her some kind of extension of her personality. I could just do that.
I could do pottery classes. I liked Ugu Bigyan’s ceramics when I first visited his place in 2000. I think it’s one art form that could reduce me to tears if I try to learn it.
I’ll just dabble in different art forms to keep me busy. I’ll just try to be Rajiv Surendra and try my hand at everything that looks interesting. Then build an art studio/workshop at my backyard when we finally settle into my hometown.
Yeah, I don’t have to take CIIA just because it sounds cool. I didn’t care for titles anyway.
This is supposed to be a self-portrait, from my selfie in my previous entry. I only got to the shadows because I’m having difficulty in drawing my nose and my weird smile. I’ll wait for this drawing to be completely dry before I layer again. I still need to finish the highlights in the water and fix the sky. If I’m not confident about drawing my nose and smile, I’ll leave this as is. Aside from hands, I hate drawing noses.
I should practice drawing people. It’s hard to practice on myself 🤦🏻♀️
If there’s one thing that Putin must learn from the Americans, it’s Vietnam. A superpower cannot win against a country that is defended by volunteer citizens who had everything to lose. That’s what the US miscalculated about the Vietnam War. Drunk with its success in WW2 and Korean War, it thought it could win any war it can dip its bloody hands on. It did not see that the Vietnamese, fighting with what was equivalent to sticks, could win a war. The Americans were fighting a war that is not theirs.
As Ukraine continues to wage a surprisingly successful resistance against Russia, Ukrainian civilians and volunteers are playing a crucial role in defending their county— one for which they have been preparing for the past eight years, since the last major Russian incursion in 2014.
Ukrainian volunteers, one holding an AK-47 rifle, protect a main road leading into Kyiv, Ukraine, on February 25, 2022. Daniel Leal/AFP via Getty Images
Putin’s war is not Russia’s war. Its citizens have boldly spoken, even to the point of risking death in a country where anything against the government spells “disappearance”.
I read one opinion that this is Putin’s miscalculation. His power/influence in Russia is waning, hence, this desperate act of a despot. Russians may start pushing back and oust him. Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky has shown grit and determination by being in the frontlines together with the resistance.
US defense official says Moscow’s troops increasingly frustrated by ‘very determined resistance’; Ukrainian president urges Russians to pressure Putin to stop invasion
NATO can’t do anything right now because Ukraine is not yet part of NATO. But has NATO done anything of significance in any of the wars in Europe? I really can’t remember…as a student of international affairs/news, I really can’t. I may be wrong but please do remind me. In any case, trade embargoes by US and EU can’t do anything to Russia. It has gas, it has oil, it has rare earth minerals, it has a lot of the raw materials needed to manufacture semiconductors. It can easily turn to China and other rogue states for trade.
Then why on earth people from Asia like me watching the situation in Ukraine with bated breath? Because our version of Russia is China. If US and EU could not stop Putin from invading an independent democratic country like Ukraine, then nothing is going to stop China from invading Taiwan and other parts of Asia like the Philippines (it has been encroaching on our territory, mind you). Xi Jinping is just clapping in Beijing, watching with glee as things unravel from Eastern Europe.
God help us all.
Writing yesterday’s blog entry riled me up so much that I barely slept. I kept waking up every 30 mins and now I have a very nasty headache despite being asleep for most of today. Maybe every conversation with these friends should come with trigger warning signs.
The thing I should learn now is how to train myself from being triggered. My blogging and long-hand journal writing should have helped me with that. I should tell my shrink that it’s not making a dent now…I still exhibit PTSD. How long will I be like this?
In some cases, particularly where it is not treated, PTSD can last a very long time, perhaps the remainder of one’s life. Most people with longstanding PTSD find that the symptoms are not steady in their severity. For some people, PTSD symptoms gradually fade over time. Other people find that symptoms may increase when they encounter reminders of their traumatic events.
My reactions to triggering events and my preference to stay indoors and not meet people is my “fight-or-flight” response to this trauma. My abhorrence towards dating and my retreat to my hometown is a manifestation of that. I’m just preserving myself from abusers/predators like J. Survival mode. While I didn’t fight back and didn’t act on getting even with him, I cannot say the same for my friends in the industry and allied industries. I cannot control them.
As a predator, he is the type who will chase anyone with a vagina and I’m not going to be surprised if he’s chasing after some random salesperson or he goes after every one he employed in his lab. The girl he cheated me with is in some kind of networking or multilevel marketing shindig that is equivalent to scamming people. She even calls herself CEO. Duh. I no longer care who he chases, but if his shenanigans reach my doorstep or my turf, he will suffer the consequences.
Fight or flight. One day I will fight back. But I choose my battles. Not today though. Not today.
OOOhh I’m still angry. I’m still riled up. I should light up my lavender candle and start sketching until I fall asleep.
Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I shouldn’t be angry. Anger means I have feelings for him, even if it’s negative. I should teach myself how to be apathetic. Apathy is the best revenge.
Ahh, this song is satisfying. Nice to sing while taking a shower.
