Four days left

Whoppeeee! Four working days left before I can take my longgggg holiday.

Since traffic is horrible, I’m wondering how we can spend 17-20 Dec peacefully at home. Twin I will surely nag me about going somewhere…

I missed my cats so I made them lose their minds once again 🤣. They didn’t leave me last night and made sure they disrupted my sleep until 4 am; that’s when I threw them out of my room. Those damned cats made sure I was always awake 🤦🏻‍♀️

I conducted a one-on-one training with our new reporter the entire day. I have been making inroads in Vietnam and I hope I can fly there to touch base with my contacts and the new reporter. I have to be more hands-on now.


I remember years of not being able to have a long Christmas holiday or any kind of holiday because I had a hard time turning off the tap. I put so much value in my work that my profession has become my identity. I had a very unhealthy relationship with work. I didn’t let myself rest because news never rested. It burned me out so much that I had tried quitting the profession three times. And it keeps pulling me back.

Many of my colleagues will say that journalism feels like a natural extension of being a curious human in the world, which makes it harder yet to unlink our lives from our professions. Traits like curiosity or doggedness can correlate, or predispose us to how we decide to spend our time professionally — and in other arenas of life — rather than the other way around (i.e. our job imparting traits on us that make us who we are).

When I started realizing the distinction between who I am and what I do to earn a living, I started to draw better boundaries around the latter. I no longer work weekends or cover news. (I have two Post-it’s in my office I read every day: “I don’t have to do everything;” “I will not be at the whims of the news cycle.”) And I would argue that those boundaries haven’t made me feel any less of a journalist: I can be committed to telling accurate, illuminating stories when I put work in a box of its own.

Wudan Yan, Poynter.org

The above passages are true of me: I always filter the world through the lenses of a journalist that oftentimes I forget I am a human with feelings and not a slave to the news cycle. I remember working until 3 am because of some breaking news or events that needed to be posted. I didn’t allow myself to be human because there is always the expectation that what I was doing is public service.

Journalism fundamentally trains us to be more observant, analytical and critical of the world around us. When I first entered the field, some of my colleagues joked that journalists are great at understanding others and their problems, but are terrible at recognizing their own. What if we turned that journalistic lens inward to reflect on how we identify, and how those identifiers serve us — or not?

Wudan Yan, Poynter.org

However good I was doing analysis of events or stories, I could not analyze my own self until my world burned itself. I had to step back and disassociate myself.

Now I found the perfect way to manage this problem: Cover stories that you are not passionate about. That’s why I no longer want to cover national/political events. High finance is hardly a passionate topic, unless I am venture capitalist or Warren Buffet who gets his high whenever he closes a deal.

That’s the secret how I lasted this long in this current job. It doesn’t suck the life out of me.

“There’s professional identity and then there’s personal identity, (which) is tied up in the way that you see your purpose, mission and character,” Usher said. “Those things are distinct, and it’s probably helpful to see it that way.”

Sad

It’s an understatement.

My APAC head was pirated by our former APAC head to join her in her new consulting firm. She will leave us in three months. I had been pushing for people to move up; was counting on her to back me up.

But then, I can’t fault her. She has been with the company since forever and she needed a new challenge.

I feel bummed out today after my call with her.

And I’m having a hard time hiring in Jakarta, Bangkok, and Singapore. My manager isn’t exerting much effort to help. I need to fill up these vacancies before my APAC boss leaves. I am going nuts here; my ass is tied to my chair and couldn’t really actively hire in these markets due to travel restrictions.

stressed woman covering her face with her hands
Photo by Anna Shvets on Pexels.com

All the more that I shouldn’t move to Singapore; it’s too much of a gamble to uproot ourselves with this kind of leadership issues we’re having. Our former APAC head knows what my goals are and she knows that I’m not into client-facing jobs. I can chase stories and network like crazy but chasing contracts is a stretch for me. That’s why she hasn’t and she won’t pirate me.

One Singapore-based high school friend who is a lawyer for one of the big global investment banks told me I should grab the opportunity to relocate there. I pointed out to her the cost of sending children to school. She agreed that education for foreigners there is prohibitive but she said it’s doable. Well, with her income level it’s doable. Journalists don’t earn much in Singapore like bankers and lawyers and I would be pinching pennies there. I don’t want a lower quality of life just because we need to grab the opportunity to live in Singapore!

I hope I will feel better and optimistic tomorrow. Right now I’ll just wallow in frustration and sadness.


My flat’s proposed plan by my contractor.

So now we have the right dimensions. This is about the same as some mid-priced condos here in Metro Manila but I have a garden and more space to move about outside. I can build an extra office or studio in the garden. Besides, when we’re back in my hometown, we won’t be spending our time inside all the time because it’s so easy to be outdoors there. The mountain is just by our doorstep. Sports and recreation is literally walking distance. My high school friends are even planning a year-end camping trip in Caliraya–those things are easy to manage when you already live there.

And when I’m old and grey, this space is easy to manage. I’ll just have a two-person elevator installed.

Hiring woes

I did nothing today but reach out to prospective candidates for hiring. Been trying to poach reporters from other news wires (tough) and other international media entities. Trying to hire locals with English skills in Indonesia and Thailand is so hard. Since I am the one training and editing the junior reporters who have come and gone from our bureau, I know what I’m looking for: Grit and willingness to learn and be down in the trenches.

It doesn’t matter if this person doesn’t have financial journalism background but as long as this person has the above-mentioned qualities, I am willing to take him/her under my wing and teach that person everything I know.

So far… I haven’t seen that, even in our recent hires. 🤦🏻‍♀️ It’s hard especially in this current tight labor market.

Some friends who had a dinner party somewhere in the metro yesterday had been talking about the difficulty of hiring new reporters. The Gen Z kids no longer want to be permanently employed; they prefer to be freelancers and not be tied in one place. These are the kids who grew up with the gig economy, with all those influencers working with their laptops by the pool side or by the beach. These are the kids who do not embrace the corporate culture and prefer the hipster lifestyle.

With this in mind, and the struggles I’m having with the hiring, I need to compose carefully the things I must say in the career orientation that my high school will be holding next month. I must be encouraging and not preachy, but I have to tell the students the truth that journalism is not glamorous. It’s 90% grit and intellect and the rest is the writing. The pay and hours are horrible. Before I became what I am now, I ate dirt and barely had vacations. I was eating and breathing news. I was like a walking deadline—every moment is a deadline—especially when I was in online news, which operates 24/7.

That said, I shouldn’t compromise on the quality of hires because in the end, it is me who is going to suffer if I have another lazy/slacker dude who would just slap information without being careful about it. I had experienced several take-down threats because our last hire had cut so many corners in pursuing stories. And this person was much older than me 🤦🏻‍♀️ I had a lot of headaches. Lord knows he tried my patience.

That’s the reason why once I take over, I need to keep an eye on each journo under my watch and visit them regularly in their home turf. To keep them on their toes.

But before that, I need to hire two three more people before the year ends.


To power me up today, I had this for brunch:

Scrambled eggs and spicy fish cakes on rice and a bowl of fern salad (with cheese, tomatoes, and onions) and home-made salad dressing. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

The girls and I did a little top-up shopping tonight at Save More. Bringing them with me to do errands to help me carry shopping bags keeps the cobwebs away and their minds healthy.

And we had grilled chicken in barbeque marinade for dinner.

Mmm, smells lovely. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Happy weekend!

Slow progress

Lying on my couch, staring at my festive windows. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I’m so tired. Last night before midnight I edited two stories because we’re trying to get ahead of official announcements, but the announcements didn’t happen. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Then I had to reach out to reporters in Singapore, Thailand, and search in Indonesia so that my pool of potential hires would be wider. Answering emails at midnight…

Then I had to deal with my stolen identity issues, filing my report/complaint with the Department of Justice’s Cybercrime unit. Then file evidence with my telco provider so they can track down the location of the scammer. Globe corporate comms people told me it’s hard to track down the scammer because it’s probably a prepaid SIM and that the number is under Smart.

So I talked to Smart and their people told me it can be done and good I have filed with DOJ because the order to investigate and open up the call logs and tracking down the criminal would be coming from them. It’s good I also have the call logs of the victim to the scammer.

But it will take some time.

It was draining. Mentally and emotionally. When writing my report to DOJ, I had to keep myself in check because I have to be clear and concise with my report so I had to hide the anger bubbling inside.

Then I finally sold my piano, not for the price I wanted. I just had to get rid of it. I delivered it this afternoon to the buyer’s house to make sure I’m not scammed. Finally, this guy looked excited with his purchase.

To cheer myself up, I bought a sunflower plant. And another rose bush. And PHP 1000 worth of vegetables and overpriced avocado. Spicy fish cakes, hopang, and Korean ice cream.

Kimchi killing my tissue roll. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Kimchi: What now?! Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Poor tissue roll. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I’m just frickin’ drained.

Fighting for your people

Today I emailed my APAC boss to ask for promotion and raises for two of my team mates. It’s long overdue and this has been neglected by my direct boss for quite a while.

I cannot work well if the team I have is overworked, underpaid, and unappreciated. I need to fight for them and be given their due. Just as I asked for equipment for one of my juniors and went to HK to fetch it. A good team leader always makes sure that her team is looked after by giving them the right support, training, and resources.

I have to keep fighting for their welfare. I cannot lose another team member. So even before I assume my new role, I have to make sure everybody else is well compensated. I have yet to have my papers worked on by my superiors for my promotion. Everything is still fluid.

I have a tough road ahead of me.

In the meantime, I will continue with my soup and bread diet for dinner and nuts for snack.

I will try the intermittent fasting in January for a clean slate.

I love mornings like this. Appreciate the little cozy things.

Sunlight being filtered by my new curtain. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

This day, in news items

Meanwhile, my APAC boss said HQ is working out an arrangement that I don’t have to be in Singapore to take on my new role next year. Hopefully, it would push through. If they can’t give me the salary I want (it should be above SGD 14k because that’s the minimum with primary school children) and not just the minimum requirement that the Singapore government demands, then it’s a no-go.

If only sending kids to school there is not that expensive. 🤷🏻‍♀️


Why the trauma?

Because when you loved someone so much, more than anybody in your life like that, and you get that kind of treatment, it’s traumatizing.

Yes, I’ve never loved anyone like that in my life. In the past I’ve had the courage to walk away. Not this time.

I don’t think I’ll ever love like that again. I no longer have any love to give.

So I just pray that the next person will love him more than I did because he rejected mine since it was not enough.

And as for me, I pray that I will get my peace. That’s all I ask for. Peace.