Yey! I was able to write a long-ish feature article today and right now it is being uploaded. I didn’t go to any coffee shop because I woke up late and it was hot. It was such a struggle to be able to get into the writing zone today. I needed a big push to start writing, like a looming deadline (last workday of the month).
So that’s it. I’m no longer motivated by whatever is happening at work. Writing is like pulling my guts out and it seems like I have no reason to do that anymore.
I really need to address this problem. My livelihood rests on my ability to write and if I keep on getting this writer’s block, I’m screwed.
This lethargy may be brought about by my need to implement the drastic changes I want to do, like moving houses, to signal a change in the direction of my life. I needed a serotonin boost to get me through the day so I bought several shares of ETF while prices yo-yoed this morning. I did two tranches to catch the drop in prices.
After that, the guilty feeling of not being able to adult for the entire week has been erased so I clicked “buy” on that retro-looking red Midea microwave oven on Lazada. Do we really need a microwave? Yes, our househelp said. We use the defrost function in the microwave when we’re running out of time and lunch just came out of the freezer. We heat leftover food with it. And if I do batch-cooking again especially when we move to my hometown in 2023, I would need a microwave oven for dinners and lunchboxes. So yes, my purchase was justified.
I also bought new chairs for the girls again because the black ones that I bought from SM were of bad quality. The place where metal screws go underneath the shell of the seat are made of soft plastic and they broke. I bought the new adjustable rolling chairs from Ofix instead of Ikea because they have quicker delivery time.
Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Hopefully these will last longer.
Meanwhile, I was able to fix the backrest of this one, which was pushed all the way to the the back since this is a recliner gaming chair. The hydraulic seat no longer lifts but it’s usable. One of the legs is wonky because J kept on leaning on one side when he used this so it was a little bent. But this is still serviceable so I will throw this at the back of my car tomorrow to give to my sister or nephew.
Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I’m just rambling on. It’s like having verbal diarrhea in front of a shrink to let this all out but in truth I’m masking the real problem. My birthday leave didn’t help at all.
Maaari nang magregister sa QC Vax Easy Plus (https://t.co/tqqTpffy5B) ang MINORS (12-17yrs old) na residente o nag-aaral sa ating lungsod para sa nalalapit na pagbabakuna ng mga menor de edad. pic.twitter.com/ltR11I3Uj5
Finally, they will start vaccinating children 12 to 17 year old with comorbidity. My kids aren’t qualified yet since they’re still 10 years old but hopefully they will have the vax before the new school year starts in July 2022. I feel bad for them that they haven’t seen their friends in almost two years. Going to school online for this long really takes a toll.
Meanwhile, individuals who are immunocompromised can receive their booster dose in the coming weeks.
The DOH is expected to provide a specific list of people who will be eligible to receive a third dose as immunocompromised individuals in the coming weeks.
For now the HTAC has recommended individuals with the following conditions be considered.
I have gained back the weight I lost during my Covid episode. I think I need to start biking short distances to regain my strength back. Or start walking first around UP campus. I don’t want to end up like a blimp before Christmas.
Speaking of Christmas, my househelp will be going home to her province, so there will be no one left to look after the cats. What I will be doing is I will drive the girls to my mom’s place again, come back here in QC and the cats and I will be staring at one another for a couple of weeks then I will bring the girls back before New Year.
That sounds lovely. <3
The surging commodity prices have hit oil-importing countries like the Philippines, pushing up prices of goods and services. Jeepney drivers, already crippled by the limited number of passengers they can carry per trip, are crying for help.
The skyrocketing prices of industrial metals have made thieves and scavengers a lot of money.
A Toyota Prius hybrid reported stolen last month in Nagakute, Aichi Prefecture, was later recovered with its catalytic converter cut out.
“I’d never heard of such a case in this prefecture until now,” a source close to the police said.
American and British police would be unlikely to say the same. Emissions-reducing catalytic converters have become a target of choice for thieves worldwide, notably in the U.S. and the U.K., as the precious industrial metals they contain have surged in price.
The pandemic’s lingering effects would be felt for quite a while even though mobility has been eased up a bit.
My colleague in Singapore attended a conference in Marina Bay Sands and sent a photo of her dining alone in one huge table. She said it felt so weird. It sounds so odd now that face to face conferences are being held now even if the number of cases remain worrisome.
We had an editorial meeting this morning with the global managing editor and we were told the parent company may implement a flexi working arrangement from now on, especially for journalists. We don’t have to report to the office that regularly since it would depend on where we would be more productive. This may be used to justify my remote working arrangement in the future if the time comes they would force me to plant myself in Singapore. The cost of education there will kill a single parent like me that’s why it’s best I stay here. As a foreigner, my kids will not be assured of slots in Singapore public schools so they will always be on the waiting list every year. That has been the dilemma of Filipinos living there who don’t have the “expat package” that skilled foreign workers used to enjoy when they are assigned to Singapore. I have one friend who sent his entire family back home to the Philippines so they could enroll the children here after living in Singapore for so long. I don’t want that for my kids.
So let’s see by next year what the people upstairs would say.
Friends and family had been sending messages, greeting me and asking me what my plans for today were. I said I just want to lay down in bed, savor my airconditioned room while the girls are downstairs doing their crafts. Which I did.
However, I had to attend first to my new babies, my plants, and had to water/spritz on water, and make sure there were no caterpillars. Then attend to the cat litter. Other than those chores, I did zero. Ever since our other househelp left, the dishwashing duties, dusting and vacuuming are now assigned to the girls. I really have no reason to get up from my bed because they can take care of themselves now. My ideal day.
Tonkatsu ramen. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
If it weren’t for the kids, I wouldn’t bother with the food. But of course I had to feed them so I ordered ramen from Botejyu via Grab. Yesterday I already ordered 3 tubs of ice cream for the girls and my househelp and a blueberry cheesecake from Conti’s and have them delivered at home while I was having my car checked. Twin I has been singing praises about the cake sent to me last week by a friend so she pestered me about ordering cheesecakes.
So it seems like her prayers had been answered again after I received two cheesecakes today from a good friend from the industry and another from a PR person.
I honestly haven’t had any of the cakes yet. I’m controlling myself. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I have the girls off my hair today since they were busy eating and painting or doing some crafts. Which was lovely as I get to have peace and quiet.
Photo by CallMeCreation.com
For dinner, we just had leftovers from yesterday and ham & egg sandwiches. And oh, I was able to revitalize leftover rice from the fridge into fluffy white rice using claypot.
Claypot rice, Ottogi yellow curry with mostly potato, bell pepper and carrots and few meat. My bowl is above the claypot. I limit my rice intake.
Tomorrow I should keep myself wide awake because I will drive the girls to my mom to spend their semestral break there for a week. Then I drive back here tomorrow evening because I have back-to-back calls on Monday.
I’m a year older.
What have I learned from the past 12 months? Last year I was miserable and I took an antidepressant so I can balance all the things I had been juggling without having to dwell on the fact that I felt rotten and spent and that pill kept me from breaking down. I knew I was being treated shabbily but I pushed on, thinking that things might get better if I did more.
But no, you cannot win the love you already lost. Or never had.
Last year on this same day I was so lost and alone. I was the loneliest with J. I was confused why I felt that way. I couldn’t fathom why I was wretchedly unhappy. I felt like I was sinking into an abyss. Like it was my fault that it had come to that.
But I was always gaslighted.
I felt helpless.
I was always dragged around because it was always about him, him, him. What about me? I needed comfort and support too but I didn’t get it because it felt wrong if I asked for kindness and love. I felt neglected and tired. But isn’t it enough that he was there with me?
But no. He wasn’t there with me for quite some time. He was already so far away.
It was unfair. He was unfair. He should have left in June, the time when I felt I lost him. He shouldn’t have used me like that.
I’m in a better place on my birthday this year. I have showered myself with love today by being kind to myself. That for once I am not mommy or a woman who must attend to every whim and caprices of her partner. Friends have sent their support and love to me today. I didn’t have to ask for it.
It hurts just thinking about it now. How could have I been unkind to myself for letting me think that I do not have to feel special and loved? That I should just accept what I had then?
I think my return to my hometown to raise my children is my way of sheltering myself from being hurt again like that. You don’t know how much J killed me everyday for several months, especially after that thing with that kid in my circle. What’s worse is everyone knows that by now. And my friends explained to me, in my drunken stupor, that J was chasing her so he can tap into her network, which she doesn’t have. As if she can summon conglomerate owners and C-level people to talk to him like I was able to do for him. As my friends said, why would he go for someone like her when clearly she didn’t have anything on you except youth? āSex maybe?ā I answered in my alcohol-fueled raspy voice. Being infront of the camera doesn’t mean you are the best there. It just so happened a lot of them in that network left (the network is not doing that great) and they had to promote people from within. After one year or less as a researcher, she became an on-cam reporter because she was there. Of course J doesn’t know that; he just probably thought that being on cam she would have more clout, my friends said.
It’s only during my Covid isolation that I firmed up my decision that I should make some drastic changes so I can never let anybody kill me like that again. Now I am beginning to realize that I am retreating from the world by returning to my hometown and will be embracing spinsterhood. My hometown is a small world and there is less chance for me to get involved with someone else because I know everyone there.
Once I uproot ourselves here, that signals that I have finally closed the door. I will start building a fort around me on top of that duplex that I just have drawn plans for. Yes I would still have a queen-sized bed but that is all to myself. Yes, I will be traveling more frequently by next year because of my job and meet a lot of people but I will never ever let anyone near me again like I had let J. It will all be distancia, amigo.
That is how I will love myself–self preservation. At 42 years old, I don’t think I can waste more years and energy again for somebody who never thought I was precious and never put me on a pedestal like the way I did with him.
I cannot afford to be that unhappy anymore. Life is too short.
Late afternoon, Twin I and I went to UP to buy vegetables and then went to buy flowering plants and more gardening supplies. Because we like growing stuff. I love flowers but my allergies don’t love them. What the heck, I will have my flowers and there are always antihistamines.
I don’t know what this is called. Photo by CallMeCreation.comWhite rose. Photo by CallMeCreation.comDark red daisies. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
From Wednesday I’ll be having my break and will come back to work on the following Monday (25 October). I have plenty of time to repot my flowers and plant more vegetables.
Soon, I will have a 100 sqm garden, if all goes well.
You see, my mom offered to me a part of her property so I can build my tiny home. It will be 2-bedroom affair (around 60-65 sqm or 646 sq ft, which is around the same size of some condo units in Metro Manila) and it will be a duplex. I will take the upper floor. The construction can begin once the pandemic is over and I told my mom I have a friend (who went to another high school) who is now a contractor who can do this. We also talked about installing solar roof panels that will be hybrid, which means it can be tied to the grid but can run off batteries during power failures. I will also extend the water catchment system to water the garden, which will be at least 100 sqm (1076 ft). I can also have chickens for manure and eggs.
And finally, I can have a small dog again.
My dream of a small homestead is slowly within reach, if all goes well.
With the savings (because I don’t have to buy land anymore), I can finally let go of my old car and buy a new one (not a sedan!) so my daily drive to Makati, once the pandemic is over, will be easier. The hours I spend on the road from Makati to Quezon City pre-pandemic are more than the time I spend driving from Makati to my hometown on a good day. The parking in my future home will also not be a problem–there’s a huge parking lot in front of the property.
I can also rent a small studio in Makati as a crash pad or just rent an airBnB if I need to stay a night or two in Makati when there are late events or during bad weather.
My girls will now also have a chance to grow in a safer and healthier environment. They can take the public transportation without me having to worry about them. They can also ride their bikes to move around. The girls can also play a lot of sports of their choice given that it is within the university campus.
I will be able to join my high school friends in their bike rides around Laguna and Batangas during weekends. I can have a proper mountain bike or road bike since space to store that would no longer be a problem. Driving to Anilao will also be easier because I no longer have to go through South Luzon Expressway.
Because I’m saving all that rent money, I can also save up for a bigger plot of land or farm. Or a piece of land in Anilao.
We are inviting another surge. They’re opening everything up without the proper safety measures. Two years on, we still couldn’t get a proper contact tracing system and accessible testing. We are groping blindly in the dark and we just have to pray that our bodies would be healthy enough to withstand Covid. Even if you’re vaccinated, you can get infected again and again. One journo said the president of one of the Philippines’ largest conglomerates got infected thrice. He is still alive though.
And unvaccinated children are the perfect vectors.
By December-January, we will have another surge by the looks of it.
Meanwhile, an internal memo from CNN Philippines got leaked to Vera Files and got published. Well, good for the editorial team at the network for resisting the orders from the owners (or the real owner). But then the family that owns the network (in name only) is known to be a Marcos crony, but the rumored real owner is a beneficiary of the cronyism of the Marcoses. Very, very close associate of the late dictator.
Knowing some of the editors at CNN, I could very well picture in my head how they would have reacted. One of them took over the subject I used to teach in UP after I quit and I gave her some of my teaching materials and syllabus. Her reaction to this memo would have been priceless and I could hear the invectives she would have thrown around the newsroom.
Some founders of Vera Files are also teaching at my college.
However, CNN Philippines’ viewership is very limited because they’re an English-language channel. The people who should be reached by the truth are the C, D, E markets who comprise the bulk of the Philippine electorate.
Because it is in every dictator’s playbook, ABS-CBN–the one with the widest reach in the country and owned by the Lopezes, one of whom was imprisoned by Ferdinand Marcos–was killed on free TV last year. All the Filipinos can see/watch/hear now are the propaganda of the very Marcos-friendly GMA, the executives of which are Marcos allies. I remember writing the news about one case filed by Imee Marcos more than a decade ago before the SEC, claiming that the shares owned by the Duavits (Gilberto Duavit is the COO of GMA) were just “lent” by the Marcoses to them.
As I said, the real fight is not on social media but at the grassroots level. Those who want change must talk to the people on the streets, in the farms, in the far-flung barangays who do not have access to internet or even cellular phone signal.
My cats investigating the Christmas wreath I bought from Shopee two weeks ago. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
The crap that I’ve been buying have been arriving daily. I should stop buying stuff. I really need to get out.
Some of the good purchases I had were the watercolor sets and brushes so the girls would be able to put into practice the stuff they’re learning from Skillshare and Domestika. Twin A today was so busy painting. Good. She is off computer games, unlike her male cousin who has never taken his eyes off his Roblox game.
Twin A’s first watercolor painting exercise today.Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I told her if she practices and gets better at this, I will buy her the more expensive gouache paints so she can level up. She initially wanted to start with gouache painting but I told her she should start first with watercolors, learning how to control her brush, the water, and blending colors. I told her to always bring her sketch notebook and smaller watercolor pad with her so she can practice copying scenes around her so she can practice all the time. I told her I always had a notebook and pen with me in my bag while I was growing up so I can write during my idle moments–one way of practicing my craft. That habit has stuck with me until today. I have several notebooks with me all the time in my bag: one for work and another for my random musings when I don’t want to fiddle with my phone while waiting for my car to be washed, for my turn at the grocery store, or whatever.
I always knew from the beginning that her right brain is more dominant. However, she is overcome with insecurity as she is obscured by her twin, who is more of a left-brain child and articulate.
As a parent, I should nurture their talents and interests. If one is more introverted, I let her be. If one is more extroverted, as Twin I is, then I let her be. It’s about training them to be well-rounded people, with emphasis on their interests and talents.
The tricky balance here is how to keep nurturing them while I grow as a person and as a creative as well. Being a single parent is hard because I do not have anybody else to lean on and help me with the nurturing part. Everything is on me. If they fuck up, it’s 100% on me. I usually have to forego my own interests because their welfare is my priority. I salute mothers who have pulled back on their careers and interests for the sake of their children. It’s only when the children have flown out of the nest did these women pick up their lives. The sad thing here is many years have gone by and little time has been left for their own personal/professional/creative growth.
I wish their children have realized that before their moms became Mom, they were individuals who had their own desires, hopes, dreams.
I bought Skillshare and Domestika subscriptions so that my girls would have something else to do. My daughter, Twin A, is showing interest in drawing so I will give her access to Skillshare while her twin prefers Domestika. They’re cheap–each doesn’t cost more than PHP 1,500 a year. Plus I can also have access to both when I want to learn new skills as well.
Twin A’s interpretation of a power pole and lines against the sunset. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
If there are things that my parents didn’t deny us/scrimp on, these are art/music lessons and books. We didn’t have a lot of money growing up because my parents were strictly academic people employed by a state university, with only a few consultancy jobs because my father said their foremost priority should be their research and teaching. Devoting more time to consultancy jobs is a form of cheating/corruption because you’re using the government’s time to enrich yourself. Well, most of the time their consultancy jobs are pro bono because the NGO work they were doing were for the poor.
Anyway, I digress. So my parents made sure we were well-rounded individuals who had access to or some form of training in the arts. My brother and older sister enrolled in drawing classes and piano lessons but they didn’t stick to it. My mom bought electric keyboards because of those piano lessons. When they saw I was displaying much interest in piano, they enrolled me in piano lessons and I stuck with it for a few years. Later, they bought us an upright piano and I was the one who mostly used it. I could spend three hours playing it. We asked for books, they bought us books. When my mom went abroad for work, she would scour the bookstores for copies of books that we didn’t have here in the Philippines.
I am doing the same to my kids. When they asked for ukeleles, I didn’t think twice about buying them those. They’re still playing the instruments, but it’s Twin I who wants to take advanced lessons in it. I will enroll her if she’s still up to it after having that access to Domestika.
They’re still doing their Kumon and next year I will enroll them in review classes to prepare them for entrance exams to Quezon City Science High School and UP high schools in Diliman and Los BaƱos. I am not going to force them to take the Philippine Science High School (a.k.a Pisay) exam because there is a lot of pressure there but if they want, they can take it. My brother and older sister took the exams and passed (can’t remember though if my older sister went through the second screening though because she wasn’t keen on going there anyway). My brother had a slot in Philippine Science High School but he later decided not to enroll there because he had most of his friends enroll in UP. When it was my turn, I didn’t bother taking the Pisay exam because I didn’t want to go there because I knew early on that I will not pursue a science course in college so it was a waste of time. Plus my math grades weren’t stellar so I had a math tutor to help me pull up my grades to keep me in the honors’ list.
What I wish for my kids is to have the chance to have more exposure to sports and the arts because later on in life they may decide to pursue careers that may not be science-based at all. Like me. But that doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t learn the hard sciences. In fact in my undergrad years, half of the courses I took were sciences because I was a science communication/journalism major. My grades in my biology courses were mostly 1.0 or 1.25 (1.0 being the highest and 5.0 the failing mark). I quit one course (environmental science) because it was only my mom teaching that subject that semester and I certainly didn’t want her to be my professor! I had to change course (botany) at the last minute. I wanted to enroll in an environmental microbiology course but it may turn out that my mom may be the only one teaching that again. So instead I took some forestry subjects. I initially wanted to pursue environmental journalism but there was no such thing in this country and only developed countries have that (my target was to be a photo journalist for National Geographic). 25 years on, we still don’t have that.
So back to lessons, offline and online. I may be cheap on other things (like cars, housing, and furnishings) but I will not scrimp on education.
DIY
Despite spending the rest of Sunday mostly sleeping, I was able to shoehorn some DIY projects today. I was able to finally change the curtain rod brackets after three years of living here. I used to use the hooks left by the previous tenant. I removed those and patched up the holes those hooks left behind with some white wall putty.
Alloy curtain rod brackets I bought from Lazada. They feel sturdy enough and they have some heft to them. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
And drilling holes into the walls made of solid concrete left me exhausted.
All adults should have power drills. This is the most useful tool I bought for myself for my DIYs. And yep, that white stuff on my fingers was the wall putty. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Finally, I was able to finish installing the brackets and lengthen the area where my curtains can go.
Photo by CallMeCreation.comPhoto by CallMeCreation.com
I should finish the second batch of katcha/muslin curtains I’m sewing by hand so I can change these because these are already full of holes. Courtesy of my cats.
Because I was too exhausted to do any real cooking. I settled for mandu and Kikoman with chili oil,instant yakisoba, spicy fishcakes, and seaweed for dinner.
