To cap off the weekend

Massage via Zennya. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Yey! I finally was able to book a home massage! I had a hard time booking them the past few days because 1) either I was too late; or 2) I was too early. It’s hard to time it because there are times I work way past my shift. I could feel my muscles relaxing a little bit but I think a dip in a hot tub is called for. However, I’m too lazy to drive all the way to Makati and I also don’t want to encounter the weekend crowd.

This is one of the reasons why I want a soaking tub in our future house. Whenever I’m at my mom’s, I hostage her bathroom and I spend an hour soaking in hot water in her tub.

Anyway, I received a message from my sister about the supposedly Leni rally on April 30th. It’s not going to push through. There was a notice from the Makati chapter that it was decided by the national HQ of the campaign that the Grand Metro Manila rally may not be in Makati as they’re still deciding which southern city will host. So those who have reserved hotel rooms can cancel their reservations because the Makati leg may be earlier.

Ehhhh, one reservation I had was a one-bedroom suite in a serviced apartment in Valero and that can be cancelled with refund. However, the one in Salcedo is a studio in another serviced apartment and cannot be refunded. That one is more expensive. So might as well we use that for staycation so the girls can enjoy the pool while I have my massage in the room. We’ll also take the opportunity to stroll and shop at the Salcedo weekend market. It’s such a shame though. The amount I will be spending could been channeled to a weekend in Anilao. Oh well.

This morning I woke up at 7:30 to water my plants before the unforgiving summer sun fries them.

I’ve learned now the quirks of my plants. So my roses love direct sunlight as long as they are watered twice a day. My other plants couldn’t take the heat and have dried up. Or others were over-watered/placed in a shaded area when they should be under direct sunlight so they just died, probably of root rot because the soil didn’t drain well/not under direct sunlight. Some plants, I have learned, have to be rotated to catch the morning sun or the others just like the afternoon sun. All trial and error.

Morning glory. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

So all my morning glory that I planted from seeds have sprouted and are growing nicely. They love direct sunlight. This one bloomed this morning and closed again at noon. It chases the morning sunlight (hence the name). It would look lovely when all of my morning glory plants have bloomed.

This inspired me to go to QC Circle again this afternoon and bought more plants. I couldn’t take photos after I finished transplanting my flowers because it was already dark. My mom would be so envious of me when I show her tomorrow my container garden. ๐Ÿ˜„

I’m back to sewing for the meantime because I needed to repair some masks and I need to finish the curtains. I also couldn’t finish this sketch last night because this damned poppy is too complicated.

Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com

It may take me a week before I finish this.

Weekends are something I look forward to nowadays. I used to dread it because weekends meant endless hours of living inside my head, of crying, of hurting. I now take it all in stride. Whenever he enters my head, I remind myself of his betrayal and what an assh*le he is, then I banish all thoughts about him—and continue enjoying my weekend.

The truth really did set me free, albeit it was not an easy road. My entire February was all about trying to stabilize myself again. So I am closing this month of March with a healthier outlook and I hope there are no more curve balls coming my way.

Art therapy working

As I said yesterday, I will pick myself up today. Art has helped me channel my anger into something more productive. I chose a difficult subject so I can concentrate on it and in the end it was all worth it.

I sketched in between editing stories. It took me almost an hour to finish the pencil sketch because there were so many adjustments. I was debating whether I do a wet-in-wet or layering. I decided on layering so it took me several hours to finish this because I needed each layer to be dry before I do darker coloring.

Making slow progress. Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com

I really have to master wet-in-wet to produce a smoother color gradation. In the meantime, wet-in-dry layering would suffice.

I’m happy with the results. Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com

I’m excited with what I can do when I have the Kuretake Gansai Tambi. ๐Ÿฅฐ

I took it easy today, edited only a couple of stories and did not exert effort to write my own (I’ll do that next week). So I played with my cats more.

Kimchi trying to be cute. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
She continued to beg for some petting. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I haven’t attempted drawing my cats. If I do draw my cats, I’ll make them into cartoons ๐Ÿ˜„

Meanwhile, my new 10-year passport arrived and I’m stuck with that ugly passport photo for a decade. The good thing is I can now fly to Singapore once I get the go signal from my bosses. Our company is already implementing return-to-office (RTO) in phases so it would take a while before I can fly to our different offices. Except for HK as its government (or Beijing for that matter) is still having delusions that they can keep up with the zero-Covid policy. My colleague in Shanghai was complaining to me that he had to cut short work yesterday to shop for supplies because they’re going to have another lockdown and mass testing.

In a related development, I had been looped in the entire communication thread of another platform in our company and it seems like I have another reporter placed under my wing. He was the one who I had helped with raising funds for his daughter’s hospitalization and burial. So today I gave him two assignments to pursue and gave him the agencies he needs to talk to, the questions, the angles to pursue. It seems like I need to co-write that story with him.

I have to attend a lot of conferences and meet people so I can be in the loop when it comes to the topics published by that platform since I will be straddling two titles now.


So my plan to go to National Art Museum and Intramuros is thwarted as the girls will be spending the weekend with their dad. I think I’ll just take advantage of their absence by staying home, catch up on some sleep, and finish pending tasks like the curtain panels that I should be finishing but had just been stewing on my other table for 10,000 years. My girls asked me why do I keep on beautifying the apartment when we’re moving soon anyway? I said as long as we’re here, I want my environment to be pretty and enjoyable. I mean, I’ve been through hell and back (and back). Might as well make myself happy now and not wait until when we’re in our new home. I planted morning glory seeds and now they have grown and soon the plants will be creeping on the trellis and the courtyard will be filled with flowers. I have no idea what the colors will be. It doesn’t matter; I will leave them here when we move.

Photo from Almanac.com

We live in the NOW, not for the tomorrow, not for yesterday. So might as well make myself happy now even if it means I would be dismantling everything soon when we move. I have exactly 12 months to enjoy what I have created here.

I should remind myself that I do not live in the yesterday as well, that he already belongs in the past and he should no longer hurt me. But I can’t help it that at times I get angry that he gave me so much hell.

I hope I no longer experience basura days and I no longer get triggered. I will no longer talk about him with friends. I don’t know if I could avoid this with my shrink though.

I’ll just cook for my friend K tomorrow. It makes me happy that somebody else is happy with my cooking. Love in a pot.

NOT

I’m not myself today. I edited 6 stories, I think, while doing some admin stuff. It was supposed to be ok but I wasn’t. I should have just let this be a basura day but I worked my ass off even after publishing two stories yesterday.

I felt ugly and fat today. I feel inconsequential. I just want to lay on a hammock and let this feeling fade away.

Being triggered so much last night reminded me that I should be kinder to myself. I need to put these feelings on paper, with color. Just to let this all out. I’m not good with drawing and painting but it’s an outlet that is different from my day job. Cheaper than photography too.

I clicked. Yes, I finally bought that Kuretake Gansai Tambi. I justified the expense as necessary for my mental health. And that #1 brush.

Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com

I put them in frames temporarily so that the cats wouldn’t be able to destroy them. The Baguio trees would be given to Kr while the flowers would be hung downstairs until I produce better ones.

UPDATE: I couldn’t sleep

Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com
I used paintbrush #000 and it’s freaking hard! Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com

My gay friend, K, told me he’s in Makati Med for a burst appendix. He should’ve told me earlier so I could’ve visited him. He said it’s ok, he was in a lot of pain anyway. I told him I’m gonna send him home cooked food when he comes home to his condo. He says he loves my cooking and was delighted. I’ll throw in a Chinese botanical drawing to cheer him up. He has been very supportive of my art therapy.

I have a lot of friends, I have to remind myself. They love me and I love them. I should count my blessings.

This feeling should fade away. Tomorrow will be better. I’ll just have to adjust and work somewhere else probably.

Maybe on Saturday we can go to National Art Museum and then to Intramuros. Have lunch or dinner along Manila Bay.

This clip makes you think Metro Manila is ok. ๐Ÿ˜ถ So deceptive.

Fuck Boi

“O my gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad! He’s a fuck boi!” my bff, L, told me today after I related to her what happened and the things I learned during the entire month of February—the reason why I was missing in action.

“Yeah, that’s why I’m into art therapy now. One sketch/painting a day. It helps me a lot along with the medication,” I said.

“Medication helps a lot if you’ve gone through something heavy like that,” said this friend who lost her daughter to placenta abruptio. She knows grief.

“Wait, he went after a transwoman???” She exclaimed after showing her the FB profile of the slut. I told her that making my children as an excuse for breaking up with me was bullshit from the very start.

“No, she’s a woman,” I said.

“But she looks like a gay person! If she didn’t have dyed hair, she looks like the lady who’s selling bananas at our street corner,” she pointed out.

“She’s a woman. And they fuck each other on the bed sheets I gave him. On the sofa cover I bought him. Basically all the stuff in his condo I bought for him.”

“Gurrrrrrrrrrrlllllll. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. My baby is now more awake at daytime so I had been busy. I wasn’t there for you,” L exclaimed.

“It’s ok. I have my support system here. Plus intensive art therapy.”

He has another one after moving out of the condo we had leased together, I told L. And chasing others as well at the same time, I told her. She knows how extensive my network is. I don’t want to know anymore.

“What a fuck boi. I’m sorry,” she said. “No wonder you keep buying a lot of Ikea frames,” she added.

“Now you know why I no longer trust people. That’s why I’m coming back home.”

Before this conversation with L, I had dreamed about him that’s why I got so triggered and kept waking up every hour until 7 am today. I have to take alprazolam tonight to help me sleep.

I’m so triggered today that I’m attempting do a more complicated Chinese botanical painting on a 5×7 watercolor paper that would require 100% concentration so it doesn’t leave me headspace to think about other things.

Half of the drawing. This would be full-on botanical. Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com

I’m so triggered that I would click on that button to buy that Kuretake Gansai Tambi after I finish this thing above.

UPDATE

Turn your anger into more productive things. Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com

I’m so triggered that I doubt I would be sleeping tonight so I would be making two small watercolor paintings. I’m so triggered that I just want to sleep and wake up in 2023 and not remember anything.

I want this nightmare to end.

Disaster

Brentย was quoted $12.73 higher at $130.84, while U.S. crudeย rose $9.92 to $125.60. ย  ยฉ Reuters March 7, 2022 09:12 JSTUpdated on March 7, 2022 11:54 JST

Brent crude hits $130 a barrel; Nikkei plunges

U.S., Europe ban on Russian products and delayed Iran nuclear talks spark fears

A friend posted on Instagram the cost of filling up his SUV. It’s more than PHP 3,000 = the cost of a new tire. Another friend posted that Grab Car costs PHP 500 from Mandaluyong to QC.

It’s really getting out of hand. By tomorrow, gas would increase by at least PHP 5 a liter. It’s going to be a nightmare for basic goods and services.

When Nikkei dropped this morning, I was able to buy ETFs in a momentary dip and it climbed back up before the market closed. Good for my portfolio, bad for the rest of the country overall.

I would be attending a webinar tomorrow by another global investment bank about this Ukraine crisis and how it is affecting ASEAN. At the same time, I have a regional conference to attend tomorrow until Friday and I’m still figuring it out how to split myself into three persons since I also have a press conference on Wednesday and a couple of deadlines.


I was craving for fish. And sushi. So I made some for our dinner.

I finally bought again a bamboo rolling mat. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Maguro sashimi. I bought frozen tuna from SaveMore last week. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I made a dip with soy sauce and roasted ginger and wasabe. Mmmmmmmm ๐Ÿฅฐ I seared the surface of the tuna on a hot pan but it’s still raw inside.

For those who did not like raw tuna, I made Spam-egg rice rolls.

Now I ran out of ingredients to make gimbap/maki on a whim. I always must have these ingredients on hand if I suddenly craved for such. I also have on my Lazada cart dashi powder and I’m still searching for bonito flakes so I can make other Japanese dishes. I still have a tub of soybean paste for soups.


Kimchi keeping me from working this morning. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

So my cats wouldn’t want me to work. This morning Kimchi kept me from opening my notebooks and I was about to lead a meeting in a few minutes after this photo was taken. Such an obnoxious cat.

All they want to do is hang out with Mommy. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

They just want my attention. ๐Ÿ˜‚ Just like the girls.


Spoke with my shrink an hour ago or so and I related the latest hiccup in my psychotherapy (i.e. the painting and the subsequent anxiety attack that ensued). She said she is keeping the current dosage of my alprazolam because she is unsure whether another similar incident would occur in the very near future that could send me into a tizzy and derail my recovery. I told her about my propensity for buying stuff to make me feel better. She said it’s ok as long as it’s under control. When she says “under control”, it’s relative to how bipolar people spend—when they’re in their mania stage (very happy), they would spend so much that they would run their credit card to the maximum credit limit. In my case, it’s the opposite; I soothe my hurt feelings (very down on serotonin) to boost my morale and I’m not spending much vis a vis my income.

She says just continue with my art therapy and always have my support system so when I get derailed I won’t sink. She also said she is validating my feelings towards the incident and I have a very good reason for feeling that way. She said it is very understandable. And she says it’s very strange that after 14 months he sends something like that when I am already trying to live my own life so it’s hard to gauge what the intention was/is. Hence, she is keeping the same dosage for my meds because the situation is unpredictable and we wouldn’t know if I would have another anxiety attack if I get triggered again for some reason. She also recommended that I go out regularly to distract me and have a healthy relationship with society.

Probably I’ll go out on Thursday or Friday and work in some coffee shop under the trees. There used to be a coffee shop at Vargas Museum in UP where I worked from time to time. Or I’ll book a diving session at Dive Plunge Club to release energy.

HOT! HOT! HOT!

I swear the Philippines may have carved out itself from Earth and made its own orbit closer to the sun. It has been freaking hot this week that I’ve been looking at possible staycation venues just to cool off.

Anilao Awari Bay Resort. April 2019. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

But I remembered that we still have the reservation at Blue Ribbon from last year so I asked management if we could book it on 17-19 April. I shortly got an email from them confirming the dates.

Wheeeeeeeeee!

So I could dive in the morning, then have breakfast, then work. Then dive again in the afternoon to take a break from work. Lovely. โค๏ธโค๏ธโค๏ธ I need to order the diving donut and new freediving flippers soon. โค๏ธโค๏ธโค๏ธ

In Maricaban Island, Batangas. May 2019. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

But before this, maybe I can book a room at Twin Lakes Hotel in Tagaytay to be able to have a cooler break this month before the AGM season starts after Holy Week. Face-to-face meetings are back so I may have to physically attend some of those.

I should also book succeeding Anilao trips early. Oh wait, I still have a Boracay trip with B. ๐Ÿคช

Twin I said one of the reasons why she doesn’t want to live in Singapore is that there are no coral reefs there that we can go to in a heartbeat. Yep, that’s true. Only jellyfish in Palawan Beach ๐Ÿ˜‚ Or you have to go to Indonesia to have a proper beach getaway.


In the throes of my anxiety attack because of that painting that was sent to me early last month, I ordered something from Shopee to make me feel a bit better, like a love letter to myself: a made-to-order planner cover for only PHP 600. It’s PU leather so it’s cheaper than the real leather version of this, which is around PHP 1,600. I think I will order that later. But this one still looks good and looks sturdy.

Tadah! Maroon (color of UP) side by side with the plastic ring binder planner that it will replace. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I’ve been a planner junkie since elementary. I feel more organized if I jot things down and not rely so much on electronic calendars (they’re for alarms only for me).

Gold hardware. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

The manufacturer gave me a choice of colors for the cover and the hardware. I figured to get myself my school color and gold hardware to match. It looks lovely and I think this will hold up better than the Filofax Domino I bought from Kinokuniya in Singapore (always my first stop after dumping my stuff at my hotel whenever I fly in). That one was a bad binder as it got frayed within a short amount of time. So much for its advertised leather cover ๐Ÿคจ.

Planner pages. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I make my own planner pages because I could customize it. I download it from this blog that I’ve been following for years since it also offers pages for Midori Travelers Notebooks (which I searched for in Osaka). The Filofax fillers are hard to come by in Manila plus they’re more expensive here compared to the ones I buy in Singapore.

The numpad from Mofii that I ordered from Lazada also arrived today. I discovered I could not work without a numpad since I do a lot of computations for work. ๐Ÿ˜‚ very ironic for somebody who evaded Math courses in college. But I deal with a lot of financial reports and doing simple financial ratios are easier with a numpad.

I really don’t like pink but I was forced to get this to match my raspberry Logitech keyboard.


My colleague in Shanghai has been telling me that he has been feeling angry and betrayed by his manager who hasn’t been responding to him, especially now that he needs to renew his working visa. He has been all over the place a few days ago and didn’t feel like working. I said you owe yourself basura days because we are not robots and there are just times that we are not 100% up to the task. We should excuse ourselves when we don’t feel like it. I told him I learned this from one of my bffs who lost her daughter to placenta abruptio when she was giving birth. She suffered from depression after that and in her grief, she allowed herself to slide during some days when depression strikes and her thoughts go back to the events that led to the death of her precious daughter. She just couldn’t comprehend the death and she was the one who told me that we need to accept that there are just things we could not find answers for. So she allotted basura days for her mental health.

She also told me to treat myself once in a while and create our own happiness.

So I told my colleague, this has been the one I’ve been doing for over a year now—just accept there are basura days and just make up for it the following day. So yesterday was my garbage day and now I’m still doing the digest that I need to publish tomorrow. And I’ve been treating myself to simple things like what I’ve been buying for myself to make me feel better or make me inspired to do my work, like my keyboard, my planner, the materials for my urban sketching. Then tomorrow I will be going out to work, do some urban sketching in between, talk to fellow journos before the start of the presscon, just interact with the outside world so I won’t live in my head anymore.

My colleague said he will adopt my strategies.

We gotta create our own pockets of happiness because sometimes the world is unfair. Self-love, because sometimes the world is harsh.