Category Archives: memories

Letting it out

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Sunset over Laguna de Bay. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

The urge to get out was so strong that I endured one hour of driving just to see this sunset (and a little bit of bicycling) in Eastridge yesterday. During last year’s Lunar new year holiday, we went to have lunch at Balaw-balaw in Angono, went to see the Petroglyphs, Morong Church, and then the Tanay Lighthouse until the sun had set.

I promised myself that I will show the girls this place and will watch the sunset with them here. Which we did yesterday.

The last time I was here trying to appreciate the sunset, he didn’t pay attention to it, to me, or to our surroundings. It was as if he didn’t want to be there with me and just wanted to ride his bike and be done with it. He didn’t talk to me. He only did talk to me when he wanted to buy the orchid being sold along the main road in Eastridge.

I want to bury those memories. I am supplanting it with better ones that didn’t stab me like a thousand knives.

I’m letting this all out so I don’t suffer in silence. I wanted to tell the world about this but of course I can’t. Where is the dignity in that? Unlike some of my friends in social media, I don’t air my dirty linen in public. But I’m looking for ways how to air this out because keeping it all in is killing me.

That sunset was so beautiful and yet fleeting. It only lasted about 10 to 15 mins then we were enveloped by darkness. It was like that episode in my life.

The best revenge is to live my life to the fullest. To be better than I was when I was with him. To be a kickass journalist. To be a better photographer. To be a better homemaker and parent. To be a better human being.

The clock doesn’t move backwards, so I shouldn’t.

Never struggle to chase love, affection, or attention. If it isn’t given freely by another person, it isn’t worth having.

Unknown

Accept the impermanence

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Just a brief stop before the Special Services Brigade came to call me out and told me not to linger. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I got this from a Youtube video, paraphrased:

Love is not just about the person. It is about the shared time, space, and memories of two people meshed together. Accept the impermanence, cherish the moments that may be our last. Enjoy it.

So no, I will not erase the memories because I said before, if I would be given a chance to go back in time, I will do it over and over, with no regrets. I think I have no regrets. I would just have to suffer the memories until the scars hurt no more.

There is beauty in impermanence, like the sakura. It only blooms for a short time and you hold on to it until it fades away. While it’s there, you enjoy it because you know it will soon be gone and it’s the memory of the sakura that you hold, that stays with you.

I did ask myself several times before, how long will this stay like this? Because he was very impulsive like Clementine in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and I told him that several times that his impulsiveness is sometimes his undoing. He comes and goes. I did write several times in the past, asked myself how long will I be able to hold on to him before he goes away again because I knew he will be bored. I think my only error in this entire story is that I deluded myself into thinking that he will stay even though I knew in the deep recesses of my mind he won’t.

Bittersweet

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National Science Complex, UP Diliman. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

This is the first time I’ve been here for months. We used to have our daily walks here during the lockdown. Most of the time it was just the two of us here. We walked around past Math, Chem (where we rescued the cats), around the observatory. We used to see sheep roaming around and sometimes when we passed by them, we could smell the stench of those animals.

Another angle. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

It was at this same hour we would be having those walks. To have a bit of “fresh” air. We used to watch the birds flit from branches. There were colorful birds that hopped on the grass, enjoying the absence of humans. Dogs past Math used to bark at us savagely. We still used to hold hands then… Before everything went south. Or was he pretending then because he didn’t have a choice since he was stuck because of the lockdown?

And if I would erase memories, I would be conflicted about erasing those memories here in Science Complex. Just like Joel in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, he suddenly didn’t want those memories erased. But the process has begun to wipe out Clementine.

How do we live with memories? I don’t know… I have this uncanny ability of wiping out memories. I have done it many times, especially when it hurt so bad. My cousin and my sis-in-law had to remind me of a very important but painful memory that was the biggest warning sign that I shouldn’t have gotten married 13 years ago. It was completely blocked out of my mind; I had no recollection of it but they told it was real and that it happened.

In the movie Eternal Sunshine, the one doing the erasing is a laboratory. In real life, I am the Lacuna Inc, I can do it on my own. The question is, do I want everything wiped out?

Erasing memories

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Studies about memories suggest that false memories can be implanted. What I am doing right now is I’m doing the reverse. I am erasing memories, especially the painful ones, by supplanting it with new ones until the original memory fades away.

Marikina River park. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

The last time I was at the Marikina River Park was so painful. He wanted to bike and I served as a chauffer. During the entire time, he didn’t want to talk to me, hold my hand or anything. He just wanted to ride his bike, be over and done with it. I felt so abandoned and lonely. I was confused why I felt that way.

Then later that night in his condo, while I was cleaning, he was testy, like he couldn’t wait to get rid of me. I asked him why was he treating me that way. He probably felt guilty so he tried to console me. But it was hollow. Driving home, I felt really sad and lonely. I knew something was really wrong. Later that week we broke up.

Marikina River Park. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I am now erasing that memory of Marikina River Park. It was just too painful. Like I didn’t amount to anything.

I will supplant it with memories of me and my girls. Today we just went there to do just that.

If only I could do that to every painful memory I have of him. Which was quite a lot.

Come to think of it, it’s quite unfair that I get to suffer like this while he is happy and free when I was the one who sacrificed the world for us. For him.

I wish I could do an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and just erase memories. To the point that he never existed. To spare me of this anger and pain. I hope I won’t be like Joel in the movie, who fought to keep the memories and the pain rather than lose them while the erasing process was being done.

Maybe it’s better to have memories of having loved but in pain than not have loved at all? I don’t know. Come back to me in 10 years and ask me that again.

Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Because I can

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UP Lagoon. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I rode my very old purple, single speed Japanese-style bike to buy vegetables in UP this afternoon. Because I can.

Now I’m sore, not as much as when I played football for a whole day 22 years ago. Bought fruit shake from that fruit and vegetable shop, like we used to do. Now I’m creating memories of my own. Because I can.

Channeling all energy

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Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I had an hour-long phone conversation tonight with my high school batchmate based in Japan since we are doing this personal computer donation drive for our high school as part of our year-long alumni homecoming project/celebration culminating in December. Aside from this, I am part of the homecoming program committee. So my batchmate said, you are pretty busy, huh? You’re a single mom and a journalist and you’re doing this project. I said, there is so much shit I deal with or dealt with and I’d better channel this negativity into something positive.

Just like during the long lockdown, it was my personal crusade to help feed jeepney drivers who were out of work and street dwellers. I had facilitated milk donations to Aeta natives somewhere north using my corporate connections. I channel my frustrations and grief into something more positive, so I don’t have to think about the bad things. My worst enemy is my mind. He said I had very troubled sleep during those days. I sleep-talked in my sleep. He caught me praying in my sleep and calling out for God. He heard me call for my father in my sleep. My daughter also said she saw my hands in a prayer pose while I sleep-talked. That’s how hyperactive my brain is when I am disturbed.

Since I’m still nursing this dying heart (will hopefully soon go dead), my brain is going on overdrive again. My daughter said I sleep-talked the night when they slept in my room. I don’t know how to turn off my brain. It’s a blessing when I work since but a curse when I need to quiet down.

I can’t fucking sleep!

I need to exhaust myself. Because I lack sleep, I can’t exercise. I rode his bike this afternoon around the village to go to the university campus but I got dizzy because I only had three hours of sleep.

So better channel all this energy into little projects like our 25th alumni homecoming.

As a side note: I didn’t know I was a popular kid in high school. I was just doing my thing in those days: drama club, glee club, hanging out with friends, playing football, science contests and whatever. I realized only now when my high school batchmates whom I didn’t hang out with during those days gravitated to me for these homecoming projects I am heading. This batchmate whom I just talked to said I should try to reach out to some of our classmates to bring us together to solicit help since they are more likely to respond to me. Which is funny because I always thought no one liked me. I thought I was pretty horrible during those days: ugly, not smart enough, unpopular with boys, etc. Now 25 or so years after, I can say that it’s probably untrue. It was just my insecurity eating me up alive. Too bad, I might have been a happier teenager if I only had that knowledge.