This is what I imagine what it feels like to be on top of Mt. Pulag, which is now closed to the public due to the recent forest fires caused by irresponsible hikers/campers.

Again, violent colors.

I broke down today.

I operated on barely 3 hrs of sleep last night/today. I was being berated by my manager last night until 10 pm for some articles I edited last week. As the reporter concerned said, it was a matter of differences in the appreciation of the subject matter that’s why my boss kept on pushing her way other than how I understood the story and situation because I am the one entrenched in the market, not my boss.

I finished some edits at 5:30 am today. Then tried to catch some sleep. I couldn’t function, like I couldn’t write or send emails to ask for interviews.

When I was watching a video of The Corrs concert last year and everyone was singing “Runaway”, I just couldn’t help it but I just cried. I don’t know why. Maybe I lacked sleep. Maybe I just needed to release this anxiety and grief.

I am tired. I give up.

I don’t know how long I will be like this.

Meeting today was productive. I may be able to get one or two clients before June ends. By that time I can go freelance and by end of the year, supposedly I can quit my day job.

I would halve my income so I need to tighten my belt for a start until year-end. I need to start a three-month contract first. I’ll be meeting with clients after Holy Week since next week I’ll be in HK. Then the almost week-long Christian holiday. I’m meeting a prospective client in SG next month as well…take a break in May and by June I need to figure out if I can go freelance by then.

So help me, God. I will be jumping off a cliff with no safety net.

But the alternative—which is staying or status quo—is no longer sustainable. I can’t go on hating Mondays my entire working life.

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I think I just slept the day away as a way to cope. I don’t want tomorrow to come. I’ve come to dread Mondays—that’s how bad it has become.

Somewhere down the road, I will find myself again. I’m in a season of transition. I don’t know how I will find my path again but somehow I will. I just don’t know how long it will take me. For now I am hurting, I don’t know why.

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I have attempted to reinterpret one of the photos from NASA taken by the Hubble telescope.

But I ruined it in the end because I overdid the white smokey effect. I had to pivot.

I just did clouds instead. I need to practice how to make wispy smoke that is not only white. 🤔 I wonder if I should leave negative space to accommodate purple and pink.

Anyway, changing the painting to clouds is an exercise as well. I need to improve my clouds using gouache.

I have Sleep Token in the background while I pour out all my rage on to paper. This scene is reminiscent of my drives going east-southeast Luzon, with the Sierra Madre range closing in on me.

I want it to be a cross between this:

And this:

I need to sleep this off first. Rage rarely produces good paintings from me so I let it marinate first.

Having progressive metal playing in the background makes a lot of difference in my mood. I usually have lo-fi beats when I’m painting. I’m not sure if it’s helping.

Meanwhile, I tried to resurrect this from the dead.

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Brought Twin I to our pediatrician because of her acute toncilitis + pharyngitis. She caught it from Twin A, who recovered quickly because her anti-TB meds somewhat helped in keeping the infection in check.

What started as a viral infection (flu-like symptoms) with Twin A became slight toncilitis that eventually resolved on its own. She was sick when we visited our hemato-oncologist at St Luke’s last Friday but during her physical exam, she only exhibited clogged nostrils but her throat and toncils were still fine at that point. Her toncils were swollen only for a day or two and then the swelling went away. Her anti-TB meds really are strong, no?

Now when Twin I caught it, she had a harder time recovering. She began to have fevers Monday night, which reached 39 decrees C. I had to bathe her under warm shower to bring down her temperature. Her fevers subsided on Tuesday but I had to wait for more symptoms to appear before bringing her to the doctor. Three days of fevers, you can already test for dengue. Since Twin I no longer had high fevers, I was able to drive to Makati on Tuesday to meet with my PR friend. She still had slight fever when I came home but she was much better. However, she couldn’t eat solid food because her throat hurt. Thursday, I couldn’t bring her to the pediatrician because she didn’t have clinic that day so we relied on Betadine throat spray and Bactidol to help bring down the swelling.

The arrival of my new brushes cheered me up a bit today.

This was another rough week.

I got pummeled again by my manager. My reporter in Indonesia, who was in the email thread, told me on WhatsApp that he no longer likes how my manager treats me. He also wanted to quit; my Philippines reporter is feeling the same.

Why do Koreans treat me so shabbily? 🤬 I think I would have PTSD from dealing with Koreans. I don’t have any good experience with them—maybe except for my ex-colleague, 10 years my junior, who shadowed me in the field when he was here in 2017. His editor made him fly here because they didn’t have a local reporter for their publication (sister publication). He transferred to Wall Street Journal the following year.

Anyway, I had been feeling down and burnt out the whole week. Thursday night, my manager was still berating me on email until 10 pm for something that was out of my control. 🫠

This afternoon I wanted to tender my resignation but that is stupid, of course. What I did instead was I submitted an expression of interest for one contractor gig under one of the projects at ADB. Just to make me feel less trapped. I had reactivated my account in their consultant database, just to start the ball rolling. If I get the gig, then I don’t have to work as hard for my current company as I do now. It’s only for a short engagement but at least that would get my foot again at their door.

On Monday, I will be meeting with another prospective business partner or whatever you call it. I will be proposing a service contract that will likely solve his little issues without having to dip my hands into unpalatable aspects of PR. I will carve out the jobs that I like and do away with the things I don’t.

I have several services that I had been planning for several days now. For every income stream, I had already talked to the relevant people I could tap when I farm out these services.

Hopefully, this would pan out.

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You know, art really restores the broken spirit. This piece of art was a joy to watch now that I’m suffering from anxiety and stress.

Brilliant choreography. It’s beautiful that I almost cried. Reminded me of Martha Graham Dance Company for some reason. Maybe because of the juxtaposition of tension and relaxation.

That’s when I know it’s right.

The wheels are turning, I’m going to make it a reality. I should be ready and have the business up and running by June.

I’m too sleepy now.

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I felt the four walls of my house closing in on me so I had to world outside on my balcony.

My APAC boss messaged me at 6:42 berating me about my 🤬 of a reporter.

I just…

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