Trese

There’s so much hype surrounding Trese, an animated adaptation of the Filipino graphic novel of the same name that will be shown on Netflix. I haven’t had the opportunity to read the series but I will find time to watch the animated series.

From what I gather, this is about a Filipina, Alexandra Trese (trese is thirteen is Spanish, believed to be a number of bad luck) who is some kind of detective who deals with the underworld/supernatutal. It gave me the Witch Hunter Robin vibes but Trese looks like she is more kickass than Robin.

Photo from Goodreads

Based from reviews of the graphic novel series, readers are introduced to Philippine mythology, the stuff that terrorized us kids at night like:

1. tiyanak – a blood-thirsty baby monster that started out as an aborted fetus, or so what the elders told us;

2. mananaggal – a monster that takes human form by day and splits in half during full moons; the upper body splits from the lower body and develops bat wings to fly and feed;

3. kapre – a giant that resembles a man that hangs out in huge trees and smokes a lot. When you see a tree at night billowing smoke, most likely that’s a kapre on that tree. I’m not really sure what this creature does but maybe it has something to do with bringing you with him to the underworld

4. wakwak – a vampiric bird, similar to manananggal. We don’t call that kind of monster wakwak here in Luzon, most likely it’s referred to as manananggal especially if you’re in an urban or semi-urban area.

5. tiktik – it’s a small creature probably like a troll or something that makes the “tik tik tik” sound on rooftops, especially when there’s a pregnant woman in the house. The creature bores a hole through the roof with its razor-sharp tongue to reach the pregnant woman’s tummy to feed on the fetus inside.

5. tikbalang – a half-man, half-horse creature that is said to make people get lost in the woods, never to be found again. The old people said that when you’re in the woods/mountain and you get lost, it’s most likely you’re being toyed by a tikbalang. I don’t know if they feed on humans but I think they’re some kind of foot soldiers of the underworld. When we were kids, we were told that if we get played by the tikbalang, we should turn our shirts inside out so we can reverse the spell cast on us by the creature so we could find our way home.

6. duwende – dwarf or similar to leprechaun I think; they said they live inside earth mounds and sometimes they live outside old homes; they can put curses on you. We’ve had stories in our family about being played upon or cursed by duwendes because they got offended for some reason.

7. aswang – a shape-shifting monster. This is one I feared the most when I was a kid. This creature can be anything. Like a vampire, it feeds on humans but not just blood, it devours humans like how big cats shred their preys. Unlike the other creatures above, the aswangs aren’t brainless zombies that you can easily outwit. They’re diabolical or basically demons in human form, if they want to manifest in that form. Sometimes they can be huge black dogs that chase motorists at night and grab people from their vehicles. Sometimes they make a doppelgänger of your friend or family to trick you and mislead as you have become a prey. Sometimes they said some witches are aswangs and they steal bodies of the dead during a funeral to feed on. When they steal a body, they replace the body in the coffin with a banana tree trunk. This is one of the reasons why people in the rural areas hold 24-hr vigils during funerals so that the aswang will not steal the body. They also said that aswangs, if they live among humans in a village, do not socialize and they do not come out during daytime. They do not have philtrum, or the indentation above the lip.

I did a research on these mythical creatures more than a decade ago as I was writing a novel based on Philippine mythology. I almost didn’t finish my thesis for my MA because I was so preoccupied writing this novel. One of the major antagonists, if not the main antagonist, was Maria Makiling, a diwata (a nature spirit, like a minor goddess or a fairy, based on the Sanskrit word devata = god), who is said to inhabit the mountain of the same name in my hometown. This diwata was said to be antagonistic towards foreigners to the area (i.e. non-residents) and make them go around in circles in her mountain, similar to what tikbalangs do, to be forever lost. One version of the legends we have of her was that when she was in her human form, she was raped by a foreigner whom she snubbed because she already had heart set on a native suitor. She has since become vindictive. Hence, the volcanic nature of the mountain.

I won’t go into details of what I wrote as I burned all copies of it. It was causing me literal nightmares. Like nightmares of aswangs circling overhead inside the church next to my childhood home. Regular nightmares. My novel involved occult rituals and I don’t know how they came about or how I conjured them up in my head. But considering how the paternal side of my family was into occult, like the really bad one, I wouldn’t be surprised if I had it buried in my brain all along.

I want to watch Trese but I’m afraid of summoning again the nightmares. Even if it’s just an anime.

Retail therapy

Productivity motivator. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I finally pulled the trigger. I bought myself another Lenovo 23.8″ monitor from Lazada, same as the one I bought from Greenhills as a Christmas gift to myself. But it’s cheaper by around PHP 800 I think. I had been stuck in a rut and hadn’t been productive for a week and I fooled myself into thinking that a bigger second monitor will help me unstuck myself. I’m in some kind of funk that I couldn’t fully understand. Maybe I need to take time off from work for a week.

Yeah, I should take a vacation before I would start buying more random shit online again. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Naughty kitty. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

This cat has been climbing my windows via my muslin curtains and then cross the transom to reach the shelf so she can hang out there. Then she reaches for the stuffed toys below with her paws and throws them down to the bed below.

Then the cats get harassed by the kids… The amount of patience these cats have for their two legged siblings ❤️

Kimchi dressed up in my scarf by the kids. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

And then they would mess up my stuff and claim my chair…

That’s my chair! Photo by CallMeCreation.com

And then I wouldn’t have the heart to disturb their sleep…

Ok, I need to file for a vacation leave for next week or the week after that. I can’t go on like this. I would drive to Caliraya Lake and breathe some fresh air.

This used to be my playground

I had a lovely drive yesterday to my hometown to pick up my other daughter after she spent three weeks with her grandma and cousins.

On the way there, I passed by a huge fire along the highway that was causing some traffic build up. When I passed by the houses engulfed by the flames, I could feel the heat even inside my airconditioned car. Even the trees were on fire.

Fire! Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Before proceeding to my mom’s house, I drove around the campus to catch a glimpse of my old stomping ground.

I used to bring the girls here every summer when they were younger, with mats for some kind of picnic so they can run around. We flew kites too. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

It was beautiful but eerie due to absence of humans. I would have loved to lie on my back on that green grass to stare at the blue sky. But the roving police will surely apprehend me as they are still on a lockdown.

Football field without the goal posts. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I spent countless afternoons here playing football in high school and college, rain or shine. This used to be teeming with football players and athletics varsity players. I remember plunking on the grass with my sports bag every afternoon to put on my knee pads, knee socks and football boots. And gloves. Yes, I was a goal keeper. Oh how I *loved* rolling in the mud.

On the way back to Manila, I dropped off my nephew at their house and took this photo of the road that leads to bypass mountain road. I love taking this bypass road.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com

It was already dark when we arrived at home. It was nice to get out of my cave and drive to see some greenery.

It used to be all I want to learn is wisdom, trust, and truth

I read somewhere that you let go of the same person many, many times. At different times, for different reasons. This time I’ve let go of my anger towards J.

I was not bitter because he fell out of love. I was bitter and angry because if he already lost any affection for me, then he should have broken it earlier instead of treating me badly until I got depressed and folded. But no, he used me until he was financially stable so he can finally take off. In the first place, I wasn’t the one who asked him to move in with us. Then he dumped me when he was settled in his own place. That took a huge toll on me mentally. All this time he pretended he loved me because what he was just waiting for was stability for himself. But deep inside he disdains me so much that he didn’t have the decency to break up with me in person. I even had to ask to be told in person. He even didn’t want to give me a last embrace. When I begged for it, he didn’t even hug back…

I knew something was off by the latter half of 2020 but I got gaslighted all the time. I second-guessed myself. But because gaslighting is mental manipulation, the victim loses the ability to trust herself and her judgment. It really confused me. I was a hot mess: here I was trying to keep six people alive by my lonesome during a pandemic, balancing pressures from work and trying to keep my job amid mass layoffs, then he was doing this to me. I had to take my antidepressant to keep me from breaking down.

After he dumped me, I was vacillating between love and anger while trying to pick up the pieces of me, or of what was left of me. I was so angry to the point I regretted so many things, which was contrary to my principle in life of not regretting anything I’ve done. Because I wouldn’t have done things differently. Because I would still have loved him with much intensity and I would have still given my all.

Then one day, just purely by chance, I watched a video of a pastor from Sudan who used to be a hardcore Muslim and hated Christians, and he was willing to kill in the name of religion. Long story short, he said the person whom he tried to kill as a boy had lived and they met again in a Christian convention. The boy who he had thought he had killed had always prayed for him and said he has forgiven him a long time ago.

Something in me struck a chord. Forgiveness.

Because I couldn’t forgive, I couldn’t move on. I couldn’t forgive myself as well. I was harboring this anger as a defense mechanism, as a motivator, as a “f*ck you, J!” statement to him. I was nursing this anger to make me feel better. Which it did not.

After that video, I cried and cried and prayed. And I declared in my prayer:

“J, I forgive you. I am finally releasing you from this anger. I understand now that you did what you did because you didn’t have a choice at that time. You were in a strange country with no options except for going back to your original home country, which was the last thing you will do given that you don’t want to come home to your dad a failure. I release myself from this anger and I am forgiving myself for loving so much that I didn’t even leave anything for myself. I forgive myself for putting you first ahead of my children. I am releasing both of us. I pray that you will be able to find what you seek and may God always guide you and protect you, even if you don’t believe in Him. Amen.

There’s a strange lightness in me after that. I cannot say that I’ve completely healed. It comes slowly and there are moments that strong emotions towards him or over the past still engulf me from time to time. It’s natural to feel sad. It’s ok to miss him sometimes. It’s all right to vacillate between being ok and feeling shitty-I-wanna-cry-it-hurts. It has only been five months.

I held on to that Collective Soul song “Forgiveness” because it holds so much truth in it. And it’s a process. It doesn’t come easy.

It used to be all I want to learn

Was wisdom, trust, and truth

But now all I really want to learn

Is forgiveness for you

Alone

Today’s gut-wrenching punch was brought to me by Instagram.

I always thought that if I were an Indian woman and thin, he would have been much nicer to me and valued me more. He loves India and his nurse friend in Singapore told me he dated an Indian woman before me and that J is fond of Indian women. I remember an Indian man who J and I chatted with when we were about to try his newly opened food kiosk and he said he thought I had come from Northern India and he said I looked like one of them (it must be my black eyeliner). Then I turned to J and gave him a look that said, “Ohhhh now it makes more sense now!” He just gave me back a sheepish look, like he couldn’t explain himself. So adding up all the things I have been ruminating over the past months, I conclude that I have the wrong nationality and live in the wrong country. In short, I never had a chance so I shouldn’t have held any illusions. It could have saved me a lot of heartache. 🤦🏻‍♀️

As I said, I was just a space-filler.

So yeah, better to be alone than to forever question why was I not being valued when I had put this person above anything else. I must put into writing on my wall that I don’t need anybody to make me feel I have value. I need to convince myself over and over. What happened didn’t help my very low self-esteem at all and it would take me quite a while to find where my dignity and self-worth have gone.

But in the process of healing and self-discovery, I should enjoy my solo life and move forward. Plan for the things that I would do after the pandemic. Life is too beautiful to be dragged down by the past and people who have just discarded me like that.

Introversion

The only rice meal for today. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Sauteed veggies with Spam wrapped with dried seaweed for breakfast. This was my only rice meal for today. It’s unintentional but I eat less these days as I forget to have lunch and will remember to eat by 3 pm. Then I will be too lazy or tired to eat dinner.

Clean desk. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I started the day with a neat desk but it didn’t help with productivity. I only edited 3 stories and I had zero story to write as all my interviews remain pending. 😫

It was about to rain. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I rode my bike and then had my walk. Spent two hours outdoors and smelled the oncoming rain. Only that it didn’t rain. 😑

Milk tea! Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I know I will regret this later tonight when I have trouble sleeping but I treated myself with milk tea on the way home. It has been quite a while since I had been inside Moonleaf.


While I was having my walk along University Avenue, I was thinking why I always thought I was an extrovert while I was growing up when all the while I exhibited introverted behaviors.

Yes, I was loud and was a chatterbox even until college. I was always surrounded by friends and was pretty sociable. But I really craved time alone and was quite happy wandering around by myself, taking walks around the campus, walking into the woods up the mountain, poking my head into book shops, writing and reading, being introspective. I would tag along with my mom to her trips but would be happy just being in the car looking outside the window, dreaming, creating stories in my head.

When I was transitioning to highschool and every summer vacation thereafter, I would just be content creating my routine around the house if I was not spending time in my grandparents’ house with my cousins. Doing chores, reading tons of books, watering the garden, using the ham radio, watching movies… It was boring but I didn’t give myself a chance to be bored. I made myself busy just pottering around the house.

So yes, I was an ambivert; I thrive when I was with people but I am also quite happy alone. However, I realized that the older I get, the more introverted I become. I can spend two weeks inside the house without going out. But that’s already a stretch.

It works for me as well because a journalist must genuinely like people to be interested in what they say because that’s where the stories come from. A journalist must love talking to people. However, a journalist must also be able to work alone because writing is a solo effort. I can spend the entire day being just inside my head as I draft my articles, especially if they’re long form articles.

I was thinking all of these because it struck me now that I am beginning to enjoy the NOW, this moment–this solo life. That I don’t need to consider somebody else in my decision-making. Yes I do miss the companionship and the conversations with a partner but I am now starting to appreciate the aloneness. It would be difficult now to give up this stability that I’m starting to feel. I think I am getting a little bit grounded.

It has been exactly five months and two days since he left. It’s still there.

But I am getting the hang of this. I am getting better. And growing more introverted is helping me a lot.