I let myself go at the Manila International Book Fair.

And I haven’t even bought books at the ground floor at the rate I was spending money.

I spent too much at the Pilot booth that I got a free Kakuno fountain pen and cartridges. Free.

I would have bought a riot of ink colors but at PHP 450 a pop (discounted) for a small Iroshizuku ink, that would be the height of irresponsibility.

I bought stacks of Juice Pilot Pens, Acroball, and refills for my Pilot Dr. Grip.

I don’t know… All writers I know are addicted to stationery.

Then of course, art materials. 🤦🏻‍♀️

And I bought stacks of hardbound sketch pads (four each for me and Twin A), color pencils sets and stavks of softbound sketchpads for my nephews, acrylic markers for Twin A, 12 pots of poster colors for Twin I, a set of Uniball fine liners with engraved with name for a bff’s daughter, and bundles and bundles of gel pens and correction tapes.

It’s as if I have all the time in the world to draw and paint. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Well, if I suddenly find myself unemployed, I have all the time in the world. 😭

Because the unthinkable happened.

I wasn’t chosen for the assistant professor post at my undergrad college! Another bff told me (who was in the panel), the journ department didn’t like that I said that I would still do contributions and keep my foot in the mass media door.

They want me to be fully and totally locked in academia.

They went with the other candidate who is willing to be that, a full academic with no practice.

This wouldn’t have been an issue at UP Diliman where I used to teach and had my grad studies. Our current department chair there still has a show in GMA. But if course, I wouldn’t transfer back to Metro Manila just for that! Cost of living is just too high there, with rent and everything else.

It would have been fine to be locked out of practice of profession if I have a PhD (so my rank could be higher) or if the pay doesn’t suck for assistant professor 1, step 1 (because I don’t have any published papers yet).

It was a blow to my ego (actually, more of annoyed) but it’s kind of OK in a way because I won’t be flogging myself for being too poor to eat out.

I have kids in private school! I wouldn’t be able to afford their tuition as a solo parent.

So with that done, I told my mom that academia is not for me. I guess she won’t harp on it again.

So what now for me? I don’t know. I haven’t found a role fit for me. The Manila bureau chief post from a rival is already gone so they must have found someone to fill the position.

I really don’t know what I’m to do. I juat received my salary for August but the question is, how long before the tap dries up? I haven’t spoken again to somebody about consulting because I’m still very much bound to a straight journalist’s strict ethics. It’s so hard for me to be forward about it — it’s like I’m breaching a code. Like committing a crime.

I just published three back-to-back scoops, one of them was too big of a story that a local publication had no choice but to cite our publication for breaking the story when they reported it yesterday.

The adrenalin rush is still there.

I’m still a journalist through and through…

How do I stop being one?