I was about to write on this blog on my phone last night, reflecting on how unproductive I had been this month when I suddenly zonked out. When I opened my eyes, there’s already sunlight and my phone read 7:30 am. I must have been so tired yesterday.

Well, I’ve been tired for a long time now.

I had been juggling so many things, even my APAC boss thought I would be overworked during our conference, moderating two panel discussions, while farming out story assignments/coverage and networking duties. Having those endless calls.

I had also been working on the staff bonuses and I was already warned by my bosses that they are disappointing. 😑

Because everything is happening all at once–prep for the girls’ graduation, prep the household for my nine-day absence, arranging stuff remotely for our Singapore journo trainings that I would be moderating/conducting as well–my hair literally was flying all over and was always plastered on my face, my neck—basically a hot mess. I got so irritated with my hair that I had it chopped off once again last night. My hair should be the least of my worries when I’m running around here and in Singapore–two places where humidity has been oppressive.

I am no longer trying to please any man by keeping my hair long. Heck, I shouldn’t be trying to please anybody with how I look. Damn it.

I’m so busy running around that I neglected to schedule my sonomammogram and my HPV vaccine shots, both of which should have taken place last week. 🤦‍♀️ While I had been celibate for three years now, my gynecologist said that I could have a new partner and that it’s better to be protected from HPV.

In my head, I’m like–noooo–I don’t think so. I don’t think I will have a partner anytime soon or ever. But oh well, it’s better to be covered just for the sake of my children. I don’t want to be dealing with unexpected health issues.

But then I don’t think I can deal with another person, trying to meet expectations, berating myself for my shortcomings, going all through that soul-destroying process of giving myself to someone completely but never getting love in return.

Like nah, Doc, I’m fine. But ok, for the sake of my children that I need to live beyond 60 years old I will take all the vaccines you say I must have. ✌

Gotta work now. I may have more self-reflection I need to push out as I was overtaken by exhaustion last night. As I learned through my therapy, I need to take the garbage out regularly.

I am sooooo looking forward to the long weekend before I fly out. I am in a state of mini-panic right now because I have only half a month to prepare for the move. As I still do not have stairs as of today, I still cannot bring stuff inside my house. But I can sift and throw trash and give away usuable items on the curb just outside the gate of the apartment. I could start doing it by Friday during the Eid al Fitr holiday.

And before I drift off to sleep again, here’s a photo of my guardian.