I had dinner with friends at Podium earlier tonight as the host of the evening came back home from New York for a vacation. P works for a competing news agency but is doing more data journalism/analytics.

Conversation was light and fun until it came to the point that P told me that last week he saw M–the girl that my ex J was playing around with back in 2021. He told me she told him about me and J and her.

Like WTF!

So she can’t keep her mouth shut while I kept my peace, can she? L and I just looked at each other from across the table when P was talking about what this girl, M, has been tittle tattling about.

P has been away from the country for quite some time and he is not the kind of friend I would tell this kind of thing. But here we are, Ms. Little Tattle Tale…🤷🏻‍♀️ Like is she even proud of that?!

When I was driving L back to her house in QC, I said that this dinner should have had a trigger warning. “Should I tell P that, oh yeah, M is the 1/2 reason I got so drunk in August 2021 and the next day I phoned a psychiatrist because I have gone nuts?” I asked L.

Good thing that I no longer go ballistic when I get triggered. I’m stable, thanks for that year-long psychiatric therapy. It works wonders, I tell you.

I’m just trying to shake off the nasty feeling inside me. I may have to continue painting tomorrow to make me feel good. Art therapy also saved me last year as it helped me channel all the negative energy into something prettier or more productive.

Why is it that even after almost 2.5 years, I still get haunted by this? By him? Ah yes, as my shrink said, this is trauma response. Like a soldier with PTSD who gets triggered by a sound of a gunshot. Even after years of not being in combat or being in a war zone. Trauma response is a way to cope with traumatic experiences.

I wish I have no more fucks to give. And just flat out be numb.