Nah. This is just a fancy type of red grape juice from Spain. If I let it ferment in my fridge for a couple of years, I think it will become red wine. Until I get cleared by my GI specialist whom I would see on Thursday, I won’t drink any form of alcohol. But playing pretend helped me to get through today.

I know it’s bad to have meals in front of the computer but here I am, violating that rule.

I really needed a lot of help to get me focused on the task at hand today. It’s like pulling a tooth. At least I was able to push out another story today, co-written by two other colleagues. All I did today is 1) beg for the son/child of owner (COO) of a Southeast Asia conglomerate to grant me an interview but he demanded an F2F one so I need to fly to Singapore for that; 2) interview a candidate and administer tests to other candidates; 3) respond to a thousand emails. But I never got around to finishing that story today when I should have.

I am paralyzed. I can’t write anymore.

It was just like in 2014 when I quit my local news job and in 2021 when I was swimming in the depths of my depression.

I remember my therapist telling me it’s anxiety that kills my creativity so I keep pushing away tasks and procrastinate so much that I end up with too many backlogs. It’s anxiety that is keeping me from doing the very basic of things that used to be second nature to me.

I just had a chat with another bureau chief from another region and he is in the same boat: this hiring and staff shortage are killing us. It’s not our jobs to be HR managers. He was told to poach from other departments because we are freeze-hiring. And he tried some analysts for the journo gig but in the end, one analyst/journo candidate cried when he submitted his writing test. It turns out he can’t write. My colleague/fellow bureau chief said it was easier for him to rewrite the whole thing instead of editing it. It was that bad.

We are already too stretched. When I told him, “I said there’s no way I can hire the “quality” candidates they’re looking for,” he told me he almost burst out laughing in the coffee shop where he was working. Because the top people think we’re in the same league as the big media companies that candidates would make a beeline for us. Or that we can poach from them and the candidates would just come running to us and jump ship.

They’re so delusional.

It’s so taxing. I’m tired. He’s tired. All of us are.

We have lost many headcount and yet we are pressured to keep productivity and engagement at the same level. This is ridiculous.

Oh God, please me help write tomorrow. I can’t go on like this–the fight, flight, or freeze response to stress.

And then there are the nasty people who feel so entitled that they think it is imperative that we make a story about them or their company. They pester us for coverage when there are more important things to cover/more interesting things to feature/write about. Then when we can’t give them the immediate response, they turn nasty. HEY, WE DO NOT OWE YOU ANYTHING! If we do not return your correspondence in two months, that means your story is not compelling. Don’t harass us or throw us some attitude.

I remember a friend telling me about the same situation with a guy who pestered them for coverage for months. She granted that interview to shut him up after he showed an attitude. She told me no more interviews/favors to that person from now on.

X-mark, she said.

Some people can be so…

Hello! We’re not a free billboard for ads.

It’s only Tuesday but it feels like it has already been an eternity.

I could not pick up a pencil to draw. I’m drained emotionally. There’s just too much anger towards management. I just hope we can get through this desert. This is already too frustrating. We love what we do but this is just getting more ridiculous.