This came via Grab I think, sent by my corp comm friends. Unfortunately, I’m still not allowed to drink alcohol so I’ll keep it until I’m off alprazolam.

I have lighted the lavender-scented candle for good vibes because I’m still working past 8 pm. Rushed a billion-dollar deal story and did some admin stuff. I don’t know if I can continue with my daily art journal entry. I just started a new one but hmmm…I can’t figure out how to continue with this. I need inspiration.

My friend M said he likes how I am healing myself (gardening, crafts, drawings, cooking) and friends could see that via Instagram. I told him that it’s nice that my work is very flexible and I can station myself anywhere. I can spend a week in Singapore if I want to or a week in Vietnam to escape. But not right now since Covid is still nasty. I have a few moments for myself for hobbies. I’m stabilizing now that I found that melatonin is helping me have better sleep quality. I should take 6 mg before 9 pm so I won’t have to wait until 5 am to fall asleep. Although I still get awakened at 4 am…and I don’t freaking know why.

As part of my healing process, I am purging one of the fondest memories I had of Valentine’s day. I am letting this go. This event may be part of the play-acting to manipulate me.

I held on to this memory of us trekking to Victoria Peak in Hong Kong to see the sunset. Then we crossed the bay on a ferry to Kowloon to have dinner. I thought it was very sweet. But I guess it was all a lie, ain’t it? I’m letting this go and this no longer belongs in my folder of precious memories.

Now I call this one below the Tower of Sauron. It’s all a lie.

Next time I fly to Hong Kong, I will supplant this with a better memory. It will all be gone like in the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I’m already desensitizing myself by digging through my folders and letting this out.

I know he’s charming others now to manipulate them to do his bidding. Classic characteristic of a narcissist. It was all about them, never caring for the other party. Even if they know that one thing is already wrong, they will insist on their own twisted reasoning, all for one-upmanship. It’s all about getting even or “winning” over the other person, be it an enemy or a partner.

It’s sad, actually. Sad for me because I thought I was loved, even for a moment. But in truth I was really targeted as the next vulnerable victim. During our first meeting, he lied and said all that stuff about Philippines being the Pearl of the Orient Seas before and how his firm wanted to invest in the country to bring it back on the world map. Later on when we were already together, he told me his firm doesn’t really give a crap about the country–it’s all about the deal. And that they have white-guy biases. I hated that he lied to me just to charm me. I was having doubts all throughout the relationship (bits and pieces here and there) and the big glaring warning was during the time we were in Bohol. But I guess that’s how he gaslighted me all those 2.5 years. I’m so gullible, right?

I had told my friends before that I’ll be ok–that when I look back when I’m already 60 years old, I can say that I’ve been loved and it’s all that counts…Well I am wrong. I was never loved. It was all in my head. I, who had come out of a failed marriage, wanted to believe what I only wanted to believe. See what I only want to see. Big red flag was when I mistakenly opened his Facebook logged in on her ex-gf’s account. He was still stalking her. And he wasn’t over her because he still wanted to chase her to California and settle there, even to the point of staying with his sister even though they’re not in good terms. He told me to prove to the ex that he “made it” after she told him that he is dumb to throw his medical career away. To prove her wrong. Well, if it’s not being over her, what was I doing there??? As I said before, I was a void filler.

What is love? I don’t know what it is anymore. I no longer know how it is to be loved since I’m always the one expending the energy and giving all.

So fuck Valentine’s Day. It’s an invention of Hallmark cards.

Memories. Fucking memories. I am letting them all go now. They were all lies anyway.