Rain, rain go away

So it looks like the rains will continue for the rest of the week, if the cloud system hanging over most of Luzon remains like that. Highly probable as the typhoon up north and the one forming in northeast continues to pull up the southwest monsoon.

The leaking stopped in the laundry area as my landlady’s worker cleaned the rain gutters of debris (mostly leaves from the mango tree in front of the apartment). Hard to dry clothes and bed sheets still.

Because I’m too lazy still (Metro Manila is flooded!) to go to the hardware store to buy paint and a gas regulator for my LPG tank, I busied myself this morning with experimenting with my new Linux distro, Fedora.

It’s basically the same as Ubuntu but the command line on terminal is a bit different. Instead of using # apt-get, you use # dnf (formerly # yum). Therefore, I have to master some basic command lines because I find using command lines easier when tweaking and installing drivers and programs on Linux compared to GUIs.

My girls are very comfortable using Linux, whatever distro, as I started them on this OS. That’s good since this means I don’t have to pay for expensive OS and hardware whenever Microsoft or Apple forces people to upgrade and find that their hardware cannot cope with the system requirements. And yes, I’m talking about Microsoft releasing Windows 11 this October and supporting Win 10 only until 2025. I just bought a new laptop, for crying out loud!

I was only forced to use Windows again because my company is unfriendly to non-Windows users. Even Mac people complained. I used to work exclusively on Linux and our IT guys were surprised that I was using it, the only one they encountered using it for whole of Asia Pacific. Because of this, they couldn’t help me with workarounds to specific backend problems. Why would they study troubleshooting Linux-company system problems just for one nerd in the company? So I had to switch to Windows πŸ™„


Since we’re dealing with biblical calamities all at the same time (pestilence, flood, earthquakes, volcanic eruption) it’s high time that I reorganize our emergency bags again. You’ll never know when you needed to evacuate. One bag for each of us containing basic necessities like flashlights with whistles, clothes, toiletries, biscuits or crackers, medicines, and water bottles. These bags should be ones that you can easily grab and go. Then another bigger container, if you have time to grab, are stuff for longer term evacuation like tent, sleeping bags, portable stove, canned goods, water purifier, and solar lamps. I already have all of these except for the plastic container to hold the tents and sleeping bag. I need to buy more sleeping bags.

I once told J that if he wants to survive Armageddon, he should stick to a Filipino since more or less we are used to Armageddon regularly so we know how to go about it. We’re like cockroaches, we can survive disasters. This is also one of the reasons why I drive manual transmission vehicles; mechanics on roadsides in all provinces know how to deal with manual cars. Automatic transmission cars are good as dead, especially if computer boxes get wet.

I am talking from experience; I was in the middle of Pasig-Cainta when Tropical Storm Ondoy submerged Metro Manila underwater for weeks in 2009. After a month of the disaster, I saw a lot of new AT cars dumped on roadsides of Manggahan Floodway ready for scrap recovery because they were already useless. For MT cars, you just push it through flood while the driver revs the gas pedal on first gear until you get to dry land. That’s what we did to our cars to get out of Pasig-Cainta when that area was like Waterworld. This is also the reason why I don’t want to buy sedans, if I can help it. If it’s already the end of the world, you may at least want your getaway car to be able to cross flooded areas. That’s why I am still not letting go of my old Isuzu Crosswind; I was able to drive through Super Typhoon Haiyan ground zero with that, about 2000 km to and from Samar-Leyte. Plus you can sleep at the back of the car if I just push the passenger seat further up against the back of the driver’s seat.

Ok, I must go out today to buy: 1) butane bottles for the portable stove; gas regulator for my regular LPG stove; one or two emergency lamps; rain boots (I don’t want leptospirosis adding to our worries) and wall shelves. Because I’m bored and I want to add shelves in the cooking area. And hanging plants.

Speaking of boredom, my girls are reading again. Yey.

Their reading positions are bad though. They often catch me in this position as well. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈ Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Daughters were craving for junkfood. So I made junkfood. Home-made hamburgers.

I just bought the Angus beef Highlands burger patties and Gardenia burger buns. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Veggies and Kewpie mayonaise. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Comfort food for rainy days.

I get knocked down, but I get up again

Most days I’m fine and can go about my day as an ace journalist (I would like to think that I am) and not mind that gaping hole somewhere in my chest.

But there are days that are just pure basura and those normally are during my period so I attribute basura moments to hormones going haywire. Last week was the worst for the month. I had two nights straight of dreaming about him and the circumstances of the dreams were not as benign as the dreams I had in the past. The recent dreams were really hurtful that left me emotionally incapacitated for days.

So it seems like I haven’t squeezed my grief dry and it seems like it will stay for quite some time. And I shouldn’t run away from it because the more I entertain this delusion that I am already fine, the more the wound hurts deeply. That I was just masking it.

I don’t understand why I am still grieving when I know I shouldn’t long for someone who doesn’t long for me, shouldn’t think about somebody who doesn’t think about me. I don’t know why I am still like this when I already know that I was and would always be on the losing end when I was with him and if I were still with him because he doesn’t love me and will never do because he has moved on. I don’t understand why I’m still hurting when I know life is much freer now that I have one less person to worry about and care for, especially when he is unhappy and I had to make sure things are wrinkle-free for him to make things easier for him, even if he bit my head off. That his worries were my worries, his hurts were my hurts, and his failures were my failures. I don’t understand why I am still sad about everything when I know he didn’t even value me. I know I am better off without him.

I may never figure it out. What I should strive for is to get out of this grief. But it seems like time is the only answer to this because rushing this process is only pulling me two steps back. All my attempts in that direction always end up with me falling flat on the ground. This is just something you can’t snap out of, so it seems.

So for the time being, I should just learn how to survive those garbage days and coast along. So one weekday I just felt like having Korean barbecue and vodka for lunch to make me feel better. Just because I can.

Beef strip-wrapped Enoki mushrooms and beef strips. Because I can. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

And made chocolate chip ice cream in between writing, to make me feel better.

Home-made chocolate chip ice cream. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I thought six months would be enough, that I would snap out of this. It turns out I’m being really hard on myself. So I just have to cut myself some slack and not scold myself for feeling this way.

All in good time. This will soon pass.

So I have

It hasn’t been easy. It’s still a bit hard but I’m a lot better now compared to when I was half-dead in December and January. I’ve come this far, at this stage that I never thought I’d reach.

I still struggle sometimes when memories hit me but they’re few and far between now compared to before.

Hopefully, healing would soon come.

i see you in every sunset i see

But these sunsets are now mine to keep

i see you in every starlit velvet sky

But the night is the one i’m taking with me

i feel you in the gentle waves

But it’s their lullabies that rock me to sleep

Soon, i tell myself

i will be standing over the edge

And see the world below

I conquered

I live