My best gay friend, K, and I often exchange Spotify songs or playlists. When I discover a new song that I’m totally into, I will send him the link to that song on Spotify.

So last year, most of the songs I shared with him were from my “Broken” playlist. When we had that Christmas lunch in Glorietta, we mashed up our playlists and we discovered we’re both fond of Original Pilipino Music (OPM), particularly Ben & Ben and Ebe Dancel. Strangely, we both listen to Lewis Capaldi.

Nowadays, what I’m sharing with him are songs from my “Chill Hits” and I’m totally into LANY now and Lauv. For some reason I can’t explain.

I’m making a lot of progress in terms of my mental and emotional state as my playlists can attest. From playing the saddest fucking songs of heart brokenness to listening to chill music that I enjoyed by the beach just recently. When I hear LANY’s Dancing in the Kitchen, I often find myself dancing in my seat.

Another friend said music saved him from depression. I said the same and I’ve blogged about it here. Music (and art in general) has saved me many, many times. It brings me to a place that only I can reach through the music that seeps into my consciousness.

I remember exchanging tapes and CDs with my college friend whom I had a falling out with later (and he recently reached out to me on IG, as I blogged here a few months ago). He lent me his Tony Rich Project album since at that time I was so into Soul and R&B and I wasn’t able to return it to him because he became weird (as I related in my past blog entry how he became weird). I think that tape is still at my mom’s place, inside those plastic bins of memories.

I’m happy to report that these days my tendency is to play more electronic dance music (EDM) than listen to Armi Millare, whom I played to death in 2021.

My drives are more tolerable with music playing in the background and I am singing along. I remember feeling constricted when I drive with J next to me and being grumpy. He doesn’t like noise. Such a curmudgeon. It’s hard when it’s a long drive, like when going to Los Banos hot springs or Tagaytay (for spur-of-the-moment dinner at Balay Dako) or Anilao, and I don’t have music to keep me from falling asleep on the wheel.

Come to think of it, he was always grumpy and complains a lot and I’m always the punching bag.

Anyway, good now that I can play whatever I want. And my kids cannot complain because I am the driver, I get to choose the music. 🤣

But every now and then I still play my “Broken” playlist, just to feel a twinge of sadness but generally to congratulate myself that I can listen to the entire playlist without tearing up.

Am I getting better? Yes, definitely. It took a long time but yes, I made it. I can look back and say, I’ve done it. I’ve come so far. I’ve come so, so far…

And as a graduation gift to myself, I’m dancing in my room naked with this song in the background.

I’m free.