I no longer know what to do without a car. This is like having withdrawal symptoms. I am now making memes for the amusement of my kids.
I need the car next week because I need to meet a general partner and an investment banker. I couldn’t commit to a date because I don’t want to go to Makati from QC via Grab because it will kill my wallet.
I’m still figuring out how I will get to Hotel Jen for the central bank event without catching Covid again.
The weekend is almost here again. Funny how days pass by so quickly now compared to last year when everything seemed to drag and torture me. The difference in mindset makes a lot of difference in how I see things now.
I’m loving life right now. ❤️
Even though I’m going insane without a car and I couldn’t go anywhere. 🤣
I got lazy and didn’t go to the vax center for the Covid booster. Because it rained. Hard to get a taxi.
Then my 2-3 pm interview with a Singapore telemed startup got cancelled because the founder had a personal emergency. Another rescheduling issue on my plate.
Spent the rest of the day closing the loop for the contract of my new/old hire and finally it got signed by him and a director from our HK office. I don’t want to deal with London office for a while, if I could.
I didn’t know where my day went because I barely left my seat. It was exhausting. Just as I thought my day already ended, my Outlook’s alarm went off, reminding me I still had an MS Teams call with London people 🙄 I didn’t have time to cook myself a proper meal so I had this:
Noodles with spicy fish cake. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
While I was having my late dinner, Twin I was torturing Kimchi.
Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Half of my cats’ day is spent sleeping and the other half is spent trying to avoid the girls 😂.
A lot of people are reacting to my profile picture change, which is unnerving. One friend said, hey you got a love life? I said yes, with Park Seo-Joon but he doesn’t know it. 🤣 But kidding aside, this is just me saying I am just one session away from graduating from psychotherapy.
I’m supposed to take my antidepressant until August only. I think I’m on track. And my shrink will let me go after that.
I changed photos today because I’m no longer grieving. My old profile photo was taken right after I had my hair chopped off a few days after the breakup. That photo was an act of defiance but it still reflected my grief.
This new photo is like a graduation photo; I now have a genuine smile. I’m growing my hair back. I will wear it longer. I have more crow’s feet but I’m wearing it as a badge of honor.
I am truly moving on.
Why do we hold on? I learned that we couldn’t move on because we believe what we had before was the best we could ever have. We don’t let go. We become prisoners of what we had, of the past, because we believed that it was best thing and would not be able to have it again.
But once we realize that there’s something better for us after the dust has settled, we easily can let go.
That’s what happened to me. I realized that while I was dancing in my room to my Spotify tunes that I had been constricted for a long time when I was with J. I conformed and molded myself to his liking. To make him happy and accept me. But in doing so I killed a part of me.
And in the end he didn’t even accept the whole of me.
Now that I’m free, in the truest sense, I realized I missed this crazy part of me. I missed the artist in me. I missed singing. I missed the playful me who goes into escapades because I can.
I am now a better version of me, a happier me that he will never see.
That better version of me that somebody else would be able to appreciate one day.
My best gay friend, K, and I often exchange Spotify songs or playlists. When I discover a new song that I’m totally into, I will send him the link to that song on Spotify.
So last year, most of the songs I shared with him were from my “Broken” playlist. When we had that Christmas lunch in Glorietta, we mashed up our playlists and we discovered we’re both fond of Original Pilipino Music (OPM), particularly Ben & Ben and Ebe Dancel. Strangely, we both listen to Lewis Capaldi.
Nowadays, what I’m sharing with him are songs from my “Chill Hits” and I’m totally into LANY now and Lauv. For some reason I can’t explain.
I’m making a lot of progress in terms of my mental and emotional state as my playlists can attest. From playing the saddest fucking songs of heart brokenness to listening to chill music that I enjoyed by the beach just recently. When I hear LANY’s Dancing in the Kitchen, I often find myself dancing in my seat.
Another friend said music saved him from depression. I said the same and I’ve blogged about it here. Music (and art in general) has saved me many, many times. It brings me to a place that only I can reach through the music that seeps into my consciousness.
I remember exchanging tapes and CDs with my college friend whom I had a falling out with later (and he recently reached out to me on IG, as I blogged here a few months ago). He lent me his Tony Rich Project album since at that time I was so into Soul and R&B and I wasn’t able to return it to him because he became weird (as I related in my past blog entry how he became weird). I think that tape is still at my mom’s place, inside those plastic bins of memories.
I’m happy to report that these days my tendency is to play more electronic dance music (EDM) than listen to Armi Millare, whom I played to death in 2021.
My drives are more tolerable with music playing in the background and I am singing along. I remember feeling constricted when I drive with J next to me and being grumpy. He doesn’t like noise. Such a curmudgeon. It’s hard when it’s a long drive, like when going to Los Banos hot springs or Tagaytay (for spur-of-the-moment dinner at Balay Dako) or Anilao, and I don’t have music to keep me from falling asleep on the wheel.
Come to think of it, he was always grumpy and complains a lot and I’m always the punching bag.
Anyway, good now that I can play whatever I want. And my kids cannot complain because I am the driver, I get to choose the music. 🤣
But every now and then I still play my “Broken” playlist, just to feel a twinge of sadness but generally to congratulate myself that I can listen to the entire playlist without tearing up.
Am I getting better? Yes, definitely. It took a long time but yes, I made it. I can look back and say, I’ve done it. I’ve come so far. I’ve come so, so far…
And as a graduation gift to myself, I’m dancing in my room naked with this song in the background.
I remember occupying a slot at the press room at the Tektite building where the second trading floor of the Philippine Stock Exchange was located. I was one of the last batch of reporters who covered the local bourse when it had two trading floors due to some idiosyncrasies of this market. Ours is one of the oldest but it still remains small and illiquid.
I remember the beauty of being on the trading floor, or above the trading floor, when the world was shifting. The most poignant of all was when I was writing my stock exchange stories and all the counters were blinking red during the market meltdown of 2008. The brokers were on the edge of their seats and their landline phones were ringing non-stop. The energy of the trading floor was something to remember.
Now it’s all a memory. Everything is online.
The last time that I will have a photo against the trading board. Taken in 2017.
Speaking of financial institutions, I received an invite to the annual event at the central bank where all the local business’ heavy-weights will converge. I still don’t have a car by then so I booked a room at Shangri-la Hotel Jen so I will just walk to the venue and back to the hotel. The cost of my Grab from Quezon City to Manila and to Quezon City (if I manage to book a ride) would be equal to my hotel reservation. Because it will be on a Friday evening and the chance of rain is high.
Now I need to buy a new dress.
The girls and I went to the mini supermarket 200 meters away from the apartment this evening because I have no car. I had to make do with the limited choices we have there and just grin and bear it.
Just snacks and drinks. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I just ordered and have my meat delivered at home by Monterey and as for the vegetables, the girls and I would ride our bikes to UP for that tomorrow if it doesn’t rain.
My girls got prize money from their grandma for earning an average above 90 (which was already equivalent to an honors’ grade in other schools; their school doesn’t rank kids). Twin I bought the roller skates that she has been dying to have for two years.
She has been falling on her butt all day. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
While Twin A finally bought the Royal Kludge hotswappable mechanical keyboard and Logitech Pebble mouse for her games.
Tadahhh! She finally bought it. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Even if I can afford to buy it for them, I didn’t and resisted for as long as I can. They had to earn these. Either through doing their chores or by working on their grades.
This morning they had their diagnostic exam for their high school review and they were sad that they weren’t able to answer a lot of Math questions because they said these weren’t taught to them yet. I said it’s ok because it was just the review center’s way of knowing where to level off with their students. Eventually the review center’s teachers will show them how to solve these Math problems.
They will be starting their review classes on Monday.
Aha! The school season is starting.
I have finally transformed into a cat.
To cap the workweek, my girls have spent the evening fooling around. They taught me the sticker function of my new phone. 😂
ALL IS WELL, ALL IS WELL, as my friend taught me to say.
Do me a favor, this friend said. “Don’t let memories get you down. Be happy.”
My friends have lifted me up through all my struggles ever since I got broken.
All my drawings had been sad and lonely. But all will be well. All is well.
I’ll try to put a smile on my face everyday. Chase the cobwebs away. Have my friends chat with me online. One of these days I will fly to Europe and see a bigger world since my girls are already grown up and I can be away for two weeks. Stop first at our London HQ then jump to Edinburgh as I had always wanted to visit William Wallace’s country.
All is well, all is well.
There is always something to smile about everyday. Love myself everyday.
My Oppo earbuds case/charger. I’m into cute cat things now.Photo by CallMeCreation.com.
Here is my small cat.
And here is my big cow. I mean, cat.
Kimchi the cow. Photo by CallMeCreation.comMy ever loyal companion while I work. Sushi. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I love my cats. They make me smile all the time.
Still in bed at 6 am. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I got woken up at 6 am by my cats, who kept meowing outside my bedroom door. They complained that their food bowls were already empty. Then it took me a while to get back to sleep. I woke up at 8:58 am, just two minutes before my MS Teams call where I would have to present the trends in Southeast Asia.
Good thing I was already half-decent at that time.
Lasagna swimming in marinara sauce. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I cooked lasagna for dinner on my slow cooker. I had put too much sauce and cheese. It’s a lovely gooey mess but Twin I loved it.
What if there is somewhere out there who is meant for me? Am I shutting out that person because I am very stubborn and wouldn’t open up to people? Am I right to just hide away and let anger just consume me until I become a witch cooking children deep in the forest?
But how many heartaches must I experience? How many risks do I have to take?
I don’t know why I’m suddenly thinking about this. Maybe because of my conversation with my friend the other night?
But I’m tired.
But then life is not just about finding a partner. Life is a journey and having a partner is not the destination but rather something you may pass through or just a stop. It’s not a goal; it’s just incidental.
I don’t understand myself these days. I may be transitioning or I am just hormonal.
Inside a taxi on the way home. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I left my car at the auto shop. I am car-less for a month and I pray that I won’t have any event in Makati that I need to go to because OMG it’s so hard to book Grab today and all days. 😭
Rainy Sunday. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I feel forlorn. I’m immobile. First time I am car-less in Metro Manila since 2009. I hope I will have it back before July 22. 😭😭😭
Meanwhile, the girls are having dinner with their dad and paternal aunts and uncles tonight. All is supposed to be well but suddenly Twin A sent me this screenshot (from I don’t know whose phone). It’s an FB post of their dad that says “Happy Fathers’ Day, regular customers!”
I don’t care if he has a harem or he takes out prostitutes regularly but he forgets he has children who can see his social media posts and they’re all girls 🤬 No delicadeza at all!
Now I don’t know how I would do damage control but I have to talk to my children about female dignity and we are more than sex objects. This is all upsetting.
You see, they have developed abhorrence towards the male sex because of what their dad did/is doing and what Tito J did/is doing. They no longer call J as Tito J but they call him by a codename or sometimes he goes nameless when they happen to remember him/or an incident with him in it. That’s how they hate him now. It doesn’t help that they saw and keep seeing J’s gf online who they think is a slut or not different from the women in the above screenshot. They adored him before. They looked up to him. Twin I was even copying his habits like tea drinking and she came to like vegetables. Now she dropped the tea drinking after she discovered about his gf. I could only feel pity towards my girl whose only male role model became eroded.
And now they’re seeing their dad’s perversion.
They told me once when they slept in their dad’s house that they used his laptop and saw a lot of “photos of women” (oh dear lord, I hope is not porn) in the hard drive or somewhere in his computer.
This is what I’m afraid of. Without a proper male role model, they may have a distorted view of the opposite sex and may get into wrong/troubled relationships in the future. I grew up seeing my mother’s co-dependence so that’s what I learned from her, hence, I inherited the same behavioral defect, which my first shrink told me.
I am afraid that my girls would only see their value if they’re all “sexed up” because that’s how the men in their lives see women: as sex objects. If the women that the the girls’ father figures keep always show their boobs, are preoccupied with their looks, and are scantily clad in public, they would think that is the beauty standard. Since I don’t do those, they would think that must be the reason why I always get cheated on. Even though they know it’s not, at the back of their minds it could be one of those things. Right now, both of them feel they’re ugly and have very low self-esteem. Despite my best efforts to lift up their self-esteem and their morale, if they don’t have a male authoritative figure who can say that they’re beautiful and smart, they would forever have these chips on their shoulders. How do I know? Because I grew up like that. I always thought myself ugly and unworthy of anything because my father is a narcissistic idiot.
Now I’m treading treacherous waters. How do I navigate this difficult narrative? My closest male friend is gay. They’re all gay! So who to talk to about this? I need to ask my brother to help correct this distortion.
They’re adolescents now. How do I talk to them about healthy self-image when I struggle with it myself?😥
