Tag Archives: peace

Happy

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Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I’m in this weird situation where I’m happy with the now. I don’t know why but I am. The photo above is how my room looked like before sleeping. It makes me happy. I’m comfortable, rested, and a bit stress-free. I don’t have any ambition now professionally or I’m already in this state where I can just take whatever comes my way. That I may be done chasing and going up the ladder.

My cousin, who’s a journalist in New York, emailed me that her friend’s friend works for National Geographic and is looking for a Philippines-based freelancer to contribute. I would have loved the chance to contribute there! NatGeo was the reason why I wanted to go into science/environmental journalism. However, given the work load that I have and I am moving up, I have to give it a pass and give the gig to a friend. And I was fine with that. Years ago I would have kicked myself for letting an opportunity like this pass. But maybe I’m already satisfied with life? I don’t know. Maybe I don’t have anything to prove anymore? Let’s just say, if that is meant for me, it will come my way again when I am less tied up. I have to balance things and my priority is my day job because it provides for my family. I cannot stretch myself too thinly and make a mess of my day job and the dream gig.

One day.

I’m still stabilizing myself. Recovering from a life-changing heartbreak is not easy. I have to take it easy and not be too greedy.

But I’m happy that I’m in this position now that I can choose and say no to a dream gig. That’s quite something. The power to choose.

Better

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Feeling much better today so I managed to write and publish another story. I keep posting job ads, too. I must fill up these vacant positions soon.

Cats are really therapeutic. Bad day at work? Squish your cat like you do stress balls. Play with them and they will make you laugh.

Sushi and Kimchi ready to ambush the laser pointer. Photo by Twin A for CallMeCreation.com

I talked to my best friend yesterday and told her I would be going home soon with my girls to settle down there. I told her, I think I’m already ok growing old solo and this flat I’m going to build is just the start. I will save up money also for a condo unit in Makati and/or a small cottage by the sea.

She said my decision is sound; we are at this stage that we don’t want to be harassed financially anymore. She assured me that it’s ok to stay put even if all the others are saying, “Don’t let go of this opportunity!” Because we should be doubling down on our savings now for retirement and children’s education.

Because I feel guilty that I’m depriving my children a chance to live abroad and be exposed to foreign cultures in exchange for comfort and peace. BFF told me our other BFF was also thinking of moving back to Vietnam, to her old post with an MNC. She did the numbers as well but she realized it wouldn’t work without the expat package. She is a single parent to two kids under the age of six (another case of having an irresponsible father). So instead, she stayed put and pursued her sandwich program in Belgium and here while she keeps her job with an international institution. She said there’s no point of living like a pauper abroad when we can be very comfortable here. Stability is important for solo parents.

Such is the fate of parents…especially single parents. Without a good support system, it would be really hard to spread our wings.

I hope I’m making the right decision.

Finding peace

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Sunday brunch: Leftover oyakudon, sauteed mungbeans (that are almost sprouts), fried glass noodles wrapped in seaweed, English breakfast sausage (for the girls), tamagoyaki, rice, ginger ale, camomile tea, and oranges. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

It’s hard to find inner peace when there are so many stimuli to spark anger. Then this weekend (I hate weekends!) all of a sudden I got hit by nostalgia and began missing him. I thought I’m done with this–I was wrong. I told my friend that I’ve sunk again. I tried doing everything in my power to forget, so my friend said is I should do the opposite: I should confront this head-on one night and be done with it instead of running away, trying to cover grief by busyness. “I really wish you peace,” they said.

I’m at the stage in my life where I no longer want fancy titles and management positions. What I want right now until the day I expire is inner peace. What is success? I was already an editor of a newspaper before the age of 30. I thought I would be climbing up the corporate ladder, if not the media ladder, and become middle manager before I hit 40 (which happened). I had thought of earning a CFA badge and move on to finance after earning my master’s degree. But all that changed after having my girls. Having them pulled me back to what is essential in life.

To live simply so my income would be enough for our needs and a bit of luxury like travel. Saving enough so that I will be able to retire comfortably and not worry too much about tomorrow. Investing enough so I can send my girls to college. To dive more, to go on more roadtrips (just like I used to do before when I was younger) either on four wheels or two wheels. To hike again (which I used to do a lot and I even documented one of my hiking/camping trips for a newspaper I used to write for in college) like what I did when I was single, happy, and free.

I don’t think I’m meant to have a partner. I am too independent and very opinionated for anybody’s taste. I shouldn’t make myself small for someone who refuses to grow up and I’m fed up being like that for almost 18 years with the girls’ dad. And I shouldn’t mourn somebody who despises me, which J does; I have to constantly remind myself of that. Have some self-respect, some dignity. I deserve better.

Illustration by @Avogado6 on Twitter.

So these two women are teaching me how to achieve inner peace, little by little, by living slow. I will soon find my own place in this world.