Tag Archives: matters of the heart

Accept the impermanence

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Just a brief stop before the Special Services Brigade came to call me out and told me not to linger. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I got this from a Youtube video, paraphrased:

Love is not just about the person. It is about the shared time, space, and memories of two people meshed together. Accept the impermanence, cherish the moments that may be our last. Enjoy it.

So no, I will not erase the memories because I said before, if I would be given a chance to go back in time, I will do it over and over, with no regrets. I think I have no regrets. I would just have to suffer the memories until the scars hurt no more.

There is beauty in impermanence, like the sakura. It only blooms for a short time and you hold on to it until it fades away. While it’s there, you enjoy it because you know it will soon be gone and it’s the memory of the sakura that you hold, that stays with you.

I did ask myself several times before, how long will this stay like this? Because he was very impulsive like Clementine in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and I told him that several times that his impulsiveness is sometimes his undoing. He comes and goes. I did write several times in the past, asked myself how long will I be able to hold on to him before he goes away again because I knew he will be bored. I think my only error in this entire story is that I deluded myself into thinking that he will stay even though I knew in the deep recesses of my mind he won’t.

One day you’ll get tired

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This was what a friend told me: you’ll eventually get tired of this. Just embrace it, don’t run away from it. Feel it. Grief is something you have to face head on. Cry all you want. Feel all you want. One day you’ll just get exhausted by it then you’ll just find yourself ready to walk away from it.

But right now, it’s ok to be angry. You have every right, she said. Do not deny yourself that right to be angry. Don’t give yourself a deadline; be kind to yourself. If you feel you did wrong, forgive yourself. If you feel like it’s your fault that you loved too much, forgive yourself.

As Neil Gaiman said, we don’t get over a broken heart. We just get better at living with the pain, with the wound that eventually becomes a scar. But it’s there. We just master the pain.

I don’t want this anymore. I want to be normal again.

But what is normal?

No, I take that back. Normal me is being gullible and vulnerable. What I should aspire for is being tough and emotionless.

So ok, I want to be tired soon. I want my sleep back. I want this to be over. I want to be very far away.

In my silence I would love to forget
But restitution hasn’t come quite yet
And with one accord I keep pushing forth
I stretch my heart to heal some more

It used to be all I want to learn
Was wisdom, trust, and truth
By now all I really want to learn
Is forgiveness for you

As my seasons change I’ve now grown to know
When one’s heart creates one’s soul doesn’t owe
So I wash away stains of yesterday
Then tempt my heart with love’s display

It used to be all I want to learn
Was wisdom, trust, and truth
By now all I really want to learn
Is forgiveness for you

It used to be all I want to learn
Was wisdom, trust, and truth
By now all I really want to learn
Is forgiveness for you

Picking up the pieces

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Changing muffler. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I am now starting to accomplish things that I’ve put in the backburner for so long. I’ve changed the 15-year-old muffler with a new one and had the diesel engine calibrated. No more smoke belching. I will soon have some things fixed like autodoor locks and alarm and then new body repair and paint (my 🤷🏻‍♀️ brother stuck stickers on it that I couldn’t get rid of). The guy who worked on my engine said my car’s longevity is good, it’s one of the most fuel efficient cars out there, therefore, don’t let go of it.

I have a long pipeline of leads to work on.

I’m gonna schedule my cats’ surgeries soon after bloodwork.

I’m soon gonna have my osteoma removed. Just need to file medical leave. Then to chiropractor for back pain.

I will be buying myself later this week a folding bike that I can take with me on trips. I sold his mountain bike and deposited the proceeds to his account. One glaring thing that reminds me of him everyday will soon be gone. Some more to go. I just don’t know how to send it back to him.

I bought myself a bird of paradise plant from Mt. Makiling in my hometown. I will be picking up gardening again as vegetable prices have shot up. Hopefully they will be ready for harvest during the hot dry summer months.

I need to keep busy. Need to be tired. Need to be blank by night. Sleep still eludes me.

The saddest song in the world

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There’s a reason why this song has been rerecorded over and over: Because this is the saddest song ever written. Originally sung by Bonnie Raitt in 1991 and then sung live by George Michael on MTV Unplugged. As one Youtube commenter said,

“This reaches a place (where) strangers are not allowed. Thank you for giving me a place to grieve.“

And if the imagery in this song ever happened to you in real life, this song is like a knife twisting in your chest, killing your heart a hundred times. The painful part is you are still alive and you have to endure this gaping wound in your chest for the rest of your life. It doesn’t go away; you just learn to live with the dull ache through time. I never felt this kind of pain since my father died 15 years ago. Until now.

Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me
Tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don’t patronize
Don’t patronize me
‘Cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t
You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I’ll feel the power
But you won’t, no you won’t
‘Cause I can’t make you love me, if you don’t
I’ll close my eyes, then I won’t see
The love you don’t feel when you’re holding me
Morning will come and I’ll do what’s right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight
‘Cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t
You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I’ll feel the power
But you won’t, no you won’t
‘Cause I can’t make you love me, if you don’t

Mi Corazon No Entiende (A fiction)

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The raindrops kept tap-tapping on the rooftops outside my window, in a rhythmic pattern in sync with my heart—the heart that has been pounding with such force that i was afraid my veins would just burst.

After a few seconds this lump of muscle broke into a canter and it slowed down to a cadence an old man could follow.

Then it exploded and tore into a million pieces.

I wonder if I should pick them up from the floor. Should I try to put it back together? I stared at the ceiling above me. The fat raindrops outside morphed into a deafening downpour. The raindrops somehow found their way into my eyes and cascaded down at the sides of my temple. The flow just wouldn’t stop, much to my annoyance.

“I got it! I got it! I am finally moving to Switzerland!” I remembered him telling me at lunch break. We had just finished a really difficult training session that morning.

“Oh my gossssssssshhhhh! Finally! I’m so happy for you!” I gushed over my spaghetti alfredo.

I was really happy for him, that’s the truth. But sad for myself. The words echoed within the hollow depths between my ears. The words were like an ice pick that lodged itself somewhere between my heart and lungs. I couldn’t breathe.

Brandon finally got the promotion. The parent company is moving him to the headquarters.

I guess this was God’s reply to my prayers. I’ve asked Him to take away whatever I was feeling towards my friend and colleague because it was killing me.

I broke off an engagement that was going nowhere because of Brandon. Because I thought–just a hopeful thought–that he will see me. Really see me.

Of course he doesn’t know. No one knows. He will never know. Only I know.

And I will take this fact with me to my grave.

“So when will the move be?” I almost choked on my pasta. I pretended to squeak in delight instead.

“December. Boy, am I so excited by this!” Brandon squeezed my shoulders. It was painful, the squeeze. I just couldn’t decide whether the pain emanated from his over-enthusiastic arm or from the ice pick that stabbed my gut.

“Good for you!” I said. “As for me, I am finally making my way to Davao with my new assignment.”

I lied. I was just making it up. But I guess it will become a reality after today. I will raise this to my boss.

“Yeah. Probably it’s for the best, after you’ve been through,” Brandon said, pertaining to my sham of an engagement. Sham of a relationship that was just floating along in the Dead Sea of relationship hell.

Maybe, just maybe, I should’ve let my engagement go on as planned? Maybe I should have…

No. I was flogging a dead horse.

I stopped staring at the ceiling and flicked open my mobile phone. I read and reread all my past Viber exchanges with Brandon.

I resolved never to read them again. Never. Even though these made me happy, even though these became my raison d’etre, I had to stop this illusion.

The gray matter inside my head should take over. It has saved me a million times from disaster in the past. It will keep me alive still.

What about my heart? Shall i pick up the pieces on the floor? Probably I should leave it where it lay.

Because my heart does not understand. Mi corazon no entiende.

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