There are days when I’m so pumped up, with interviews left and right, online conferences to attend, a lot of edits to finish. But there are days that are just garbage. So yeah, the past days since last week were utterly garbage. I have been too lethargic that I no longer know what to do with myself.
Just this evening I was still editing a crappy compilation that I simply had to rewrite everything. 🤦🏻♀️ I was supposed to go biking to clear my head and have some exercise but it was already 6:30 pm and I still wasn’t finished.
I’m losing my mojo. I’m so tired. I’m tired of carrying the weight of the world. I’m tired of lockdowns. I’m just tired of pretending that things are going to be all right.
Tea to calm me down before tackling work. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
If there’s something that I’ve learned in the past 20 years is that there are things that I can control and I should let go of the things I can’t. And I shouldn’t sweat the small stuff.
I may be past the prime age for child-bearing but at least I have with me maturity that some 20-year-old girl can only acquire through time and experience. Maturity is not just taking on work responsibilities seriously, because, (WTF!) that is part of being an adult.
(*As a side note, J kept on singing about how glorious was his biatch of an employee, D, for being “so mature because she is taking work seriously” and he was full of praises for her while I who had done everything for him–from small stuff like folding his clothes to the big stuff like financially supporting him when he was still struggling, received nothing but disdain and he treated me like I’m nothing more than a cleaning lady and chauffer, and blamed me for every little thing. I remember it vividly, as I wrote in my journal sometime July or August last year*).
Part of the maturing process is the increase in internal locus of control and minimizing the external. Part of it is the mastery of the Prayer for Serenity. Part of it is the ability to take the focus off myself to shift to the bigger picture.
Anyway, what I’m driving at is, the 21-year-old me would have freaked out at what’s happening around me. I would be so focused on it that it would either make me catatonic or send me into hysterics–both of which would jeopardize all the things I have worked hard for.
Posted by a doctor high school mate of mine. Another post by the same high school mate.
Since I’ve been through hell and have scars to show for it, I now have learned to calm down and focus on the things I can control so that the road back to hell–if I have the misfortune to be back on that road–would be less bumpy and violent.
I cannot change the incompetent government now but I have to register for the 2022 election so that my vote will count. Harboring anger without action is unhealthy and counter-productive. Relying on impossible what-ifs right now i.e. rallies or people power in the time of 8k daily cases is also not productive
Use social media to create awareness and knowledge of the situation. As a journalist, I know I have a platform. What I can do is to call the attention of all people to the wrongdoing, whatever that may be, so that this can be reversed. This is something I can do to change what it seems like a situation that is beyond what I can humanly control.
I can control the movement of my family and by hunkering down in place to minimize chances of catching Covid, I will not contribute to the worsening situation in hospitals.
I will donate to those who need help to alleviate their suffering as the government doesn’t want to give financial aid to the most vulnerable. Just like I did regularly a year ago when the lockdowns hit us hard.
I haven’t done this in a while but I must pray. This is something for God to handle.
The government’s handling of this pandemic is a mess and the greed and incompetence of Duque and the rest of the Duterte administration is killing us all. The situation in the hospitals is indeed heartbreaking and scary. So in order for me not to lose track of what is important and get gobbled up by anger, I need to focus on the things I can control and let go of the things I can’t. Do this refocusing and purging daily.
Thank God for cats. They make me laugh.
Photo by CallMeCreation.com Photo by CallMeCreation.com
My high school classmate died of COVID-19 yesterday afternoon. He had to be intubated after complaining that he couldn’t breathe after getting positive for COVID. He had undergone dialysis. Only in a span of two days…
He used to play keyboards for my band because he was a better keyboard player than I am (yes, I used to have a band 21 years ago). But he had to drop out because he had a day job. We were fresh college graduates then who had a hangover of college life. He was my uncle’s godson and he and his wife were the next tenant after my older sister gave up her condo unit when she left for Australia some years ago.
He is more than a statistic.
Damn this government.
Yesterday we logged the highest daily new COVID-19 cases since the pandemic began. And Octa Research projects that we will be hitting 10k-11k before the month ends if the government doesn’t do anything to keep the people from moving about unnecessarily.
The situation is getting worse. We are a hot mess and those nincompoops in government do not have one iota of goodness in them.
There are so many news items and anecdotal evidence of other things that point to incompetence, negligence, and self-interest reigning over this administration. I am really losing hope and I’m emotionally drained. Bankrupt.
One of my best friends is now thinking of migrating to Canada. I can’t do the same since a single mother has limited options. Countries like Canada and Australia would put single parents in the bottom of their list as desirable migrant because the thinking is that people like me will just weigh on their welfare system. My present company will not sponsor my migration since my skills are more needed in this region. That’s why a tourist visa to the US is tricky for a single parent unless I prove I have above average income, investments, and properties here. The two items I can easily provide but I haven’t invested in properties until the annulment is granted by the court.
I was distressed last night that I had had sewn by hand my new muslin kitchen curtain. In one sitting. I needed to be busy and mask sewing doesn’t cut it anymore. I need a more complicated project to take my mind off my classmate’s death, the sorry state this country is in right now, and my own personal grief.
My tiny hemming/felling stitches that I learned from Bernadette Banner on Youtube. Photo by CallMeCreation.comIt’s more of a window skirt to soften the window that overlooks the utility/laundry/cooking area of my apartment. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
UPDATE: We’re going to be on a lockdown starting tomorrow, but the government doesn’t want this to be called a lockdown because that meant they had to give financial support to the most vulnerable people–the poor. The poor who had no choice, cannot stay at home because they need to work or else they would go hungry.
They keep on saying we cannot afford it but they have yet to show where they spent the money they have borrowed for social amelioration. They have borrowed billions of USD for vaccine procurement and yet they are forcing the private sector to donate half of the vaccines they are procuring for their employees (because they cannot wait for the government’s verrrrrrryyyyy slooooooowwwwwwww vaccination program–if there is indeed a program). Because people like me had been very noisy/vocal about this anomaly on social media, the government now is singing a different tune.
Where is the money we borrowed for vaccines gonna go if they’re forcing the private sector to donate? Your guess is as good as mine. This is blatant corruption and this government is really taking advantage of the pandemic that keeps us from doing protest actions like the Burmese.
Something to help me through this crazy time. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
After a year, we’re back to square one. Octa Research says we’re having a serious surge of COVID-19 cases in Metro Manila and the variants we’re having (damn, we already have our own ‘Philippine variant’) are not to be messed with.
The Octa team said that if the effects of localized lockdowns and stricter quarantine measures continue, the NCR would have a reduced number of cases by the end of March.
“The result is that the more optimistic scenario could reduce the number of new COVID-19 cases by the end of March to less than 4,000, compared with 7,500 if there are no changes,” they said.
We’re basically still stuck with a virus that is getting more clever. I’m just praying none of my friends and loved ones would get sick because this unseen monster could hit from anywhere. Hospitals are already at capacity again. We never managed to really to flatten the curve or had a downtrend. All thanks to the mishandling of the pandemic by this brainless authoritarian government. It makes me sadder that some countries are getting out of this pandemic and are already “near-normal” while it seems like we’re never going to see the end of this.
My hand-sewn masks for female friends. I do sew masks in male-friendly prints for guy friends. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
All the more I am busy sewing masks for friends to help me to manage my anxiety while encouraging friends to save the environment by using reusable masks while keeping safe from the infection. If they’re only going to run to the store and not be in crowded spaces or in healthcare facilities like clinics or hospitals, my masks that are made of tightly woven cotton (either Japanese, Indian, or Turkish cotton) would suffice. As a freediver, the news reports of face masks or PPEs littering the sea makes me angry.
Speaking of diving, I would have to have our reservation at Blue Ribbon in Anilao moved to…God knows when. I don’t think this surge will ease after two weeks. Besides, the weather now is f*cking crazy. Imagine, middle of March and we are dealing with low pressure areas (that could be a beginning of a typhoon). It’s supposed to be the hot and dry season right now. On a personal level, I am not complaining because at least it’s not as hot compared to last year but from an agricultural perspective, this is not good. The planting cycle is going haywire. Crops could be destroyed.
Meanwhile, my plan to buy a small lot could be within reach sooner than I realized. I have to decide where that lot could be. My job requires me to be here in Metro Manila but I cannot imagine myself staying here for the rest of my life. I could buy in my hometown and there’s a nice lot there on a hill just within or inside the university campus that is surrounded by trees that I knew was for sale. Two Cubo units that I could join together would be sufficient for me and my girls and I could upgrade it as time goes by since I will be saving a lot of rent money. However, I cannot drive to Makati everyday if face-to-face events and meetings go back. Either I give up being a super journalist and just be content being an editor so I don’t have to be mobile all the time–but I’m not sure if I am ready to hang up my shoes and newsboy cap. I love being in the field too much.
Think, think, think.
But that little dream of having a homestead by a hill/mountain or the sea is nagging me. It’s calling me. Now that I’ve decided to remain a single mom for the rest of my days made that voice louder.
They’ve started hoarding San Miguel beer at my neighborhoodgrocerystore.
On the first anniversary of the Philippines COVID-19 lockdown, we are facing a threat of another lockdown as cases continue to rise to 5,000 daily. My city has started to ban alcohol (I don’t understand the logic behind this when people can stock up and have drinking parties at home), gyms, and spas.
People started hoarding beer because the ban starts today. I managed to stock up on beer in cans, vodka, and I still have red wine to tide me over the coming weeks.
The market did not take the news very well.
So basically, I need to do off-hours shopping for food again to avoid long lines at the supermarket and curfews. Trying to keep everyone sane because we’re going to be stuck again at home since Quezon City will start implementing the quarantine pass requirement again.
Which is utterly ridiculous. People need to go to work, keep their jobs, and feed their families. Quarantine passes are just instruments to bully people. There are households with more than one adult who needs to go to work. Limiting it to only one adult who can go outside is against the basic human right to earn a living. If this government only implemented a good contact tracing program, testing, and quick and wide vaccination program, this wouldn’t be happening. All they know how to do is to praise themselves because of this delusion they are doing a good job for the benefit of the DDS. Like how delusional Trump was.
I am completely drained right now. I don’t have anything to look forward to in the coming weeks.
Taking shelter from the rain. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
5000 new cases yesterday, the highest since August. This is why they try to curtail movement again. That’s the only thing this brainless government knows how to do. No comprehensive vaccine program, no useful contact-tracing program where our records are not stolen by scammers, no nothing. It’s like being in Myanmar right now.
It’s kinda like being on a semi-lockdown again on the anniversary of the COVID-19 lockdown. I can’t explain what I’m feeling right now because I am trying to suppress any strong emotion these days. The closest thing I can say is I’ve given up hope that we will be ok.
UP Diliman started banning joggers and bikers again until further notice. My daughters and I tried cycling along University Ave but it rained. We had to go back and just bought Korean ice cream from Seoul Meat on the way home to make them feel better.
Finishing their “dirty” ice cream near Mang Larry’s during our exercise last week, before UP campus had shut down. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I couldn’t bring them elsewhere to have our exercise. Police had set up checkpoints at the border of QC and Rizal so we can’t go to Angono or Binangonan for biking. I guess that would be the same case everywhere. No more going home to Laguna this Holy Week. I can’t have my Laguna biking trip. I wonder if we can still go to Anilao a week after that. I booked Blue Ribbon resort for four days before cases started spiking.
Circumstances are really forcing me to live inside my head again. I want to scream. I want to cry but I’m tired of crying. Been crying for exactly three months now. I’m stuck. In my room. The worst place to be stuck because I shared this room with him for two years. I couldn’t move houses because at the moment it’s better to be in this location since it’s near UP. My brain needs the openness of my university, figuratively and literally. It’s also convenient to have supermarkets within walking distance when you are trying to avoid people.
I want to be in Japan right now. To be in Gifu and Ishikawa. Once this madness is all over, that’s where I will be.
