Tag Archives: grief

Alone

Posted on by

Today’s gut-wrenching punch was brought to me by Instagram.

I always thought that if I were an Indian woman and thin, he would have been much nicer to me and valued me more. He loves India and his nurse friend in Singapore told me he dated an Indian woman before me and that J is fond of Indian women. I remember an Indian man who J and I chatted with when we were about to try his newly opened food kiosk and he said he thought I had come from Northern India and he said I looked like one of them (it must be my black eyeliner). Then I turned to J and gave him a look that said, “Ohhhh now it makes more sense now!” He just gave me back a sheepish look, like he couldn’t explain himself. So adding up all the things I have been ruminating over the past months, I conclude that I have the wrong nationality and live in the wrong country. In short, I never had a chance so I shouldn’t have held any illusions. It could have saved me a lot of heartache. 🤦🏻‍♀️

As I said, I was just a space-filler.

So yeah, better to be alone than to forever question why was I not being valued when I had put this person above anything else. I must put into writing on my wall that I don’t need anybody to make me feel I have value. I need to convince myself over and over. What happened didn’t help my very low self-esteem at all and it would take me quite a while to find where my dignity and self-worth have gone.

But in the process of healing and self-discovery, I should enjoy my solo life and move forward. Plan for the things that I would do after the pandemic. Life is too beautiful to be dragged down by the past and people who have just discarded me like that.

So I have

Posted on by

It hasn’t been easy. It’s still a bit hard but I’m a lot better now compared to when I was half-dead in December and January. I’ve come this far, at this stage that I never thought I’d reach.

I still struggle sometimes when memories hit me but they’re few and far between now compared to before.

Hopefully, healing would soon come.

i see you in every sunset i see

But these sunsets are now mine to keep

i see you in every starlit velvet sky

But the night is the one i’m taking with me

i feel you in the gentle waves

But it’s their lullabies that rock me to sleep

Soon, i tell myself

i will be standing over the edge

And see the world below

I conquered

I live

Reset

Posted on by

I got news that ex-colleague, JG, from my former TV network has turned for the worse and is now confined in one of the hospitals here in Metro Manila.

Another colleague of mine, T, and I were exchanging news about our ex-colleague-now-covid-patient. I told her that I may be able to donate to his fundraising only when my salary comes in because my extra money for charity was spent for milk for the orphanage in Manila that is under lockdown due to a high number of COVID-19 cases. Then T said, it’s kinda sad that it has already come down to this, that we just have to rely on one another because we can’t get help from the government. I told her that this pandemic has taught us privileged people that we are the safe harbor for those who are drowning and lost at sea.

“This pandemic has caused so much disruption,” she lamented.

“Yes but I think of this as a sort of reset for everyone. So that we, the privileged people, would finally realize what we are here for,” I told her.

“And this pandemic has taken almost everything from me. All I got are my kids. And that is enough,” I added.

This pandemic also shown us what are the most important things in life? I was taught that it’s my children and myself. It taught me to love these three people more.

Haunted

Posted on by
UP Naming Mahal, pamantasang hirang. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Hello Darkness, my old friend

I’ve come to talk with you again

Because a vision softly creeping

Left its seeds while I was sleeping

And the vision that was planted in my brain still remains

Within the sound of silence

Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel

Had a very bad night last night and I don’t want to be alone with my thoughts again so I rode my bike at 7 pm to catch some breeze.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I cycled around a bit but that didn’t give me enough cardio exercise so I locked my bike at the guard station and walked around and round University Avenue. And looked at the stars while I listened to music saved on my phone. I wondered about the night sky and how nice it would be to view it by the beach where there would be less light pollution. The northeast monsoon (amihan) is perfect season for diving. I shook my head to rid me of those thoughts.

Nice walk, almost no people. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I needed to exhaust myself so I won’t spend the rest of the night thinking. I need to do this tomorrow, and the next day, amd the next…

As my colleague and friend told me, live for yourself and your children.

“Hindi man lang siya naghabol,” sabi nya.

Ano pa bang sampal ng realidad ang kelangan ko para matapos na to?

Finding peace

Posted on by
Sunday brunch: Leftover oyakudon, sauteed mungbeans (that are almost sprouts), fried glass noodles wrapped in seaweed, English breakfast sausage (for the girls), tamagoyaki, rice, ginger ale, camomile tea, and oranges. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

It’s hard to find inner peace when there are so many stimuli to spark anger. Then this weekend (I hate weekends!) all of a sudden I got hit by nostalgia and began missing him. I thought I’m done with this–I was wrong. I told my friend that I’ve sunk again. I tried doing everything in my power to forget, so my friend said is I should do the opposite: I should confront this head-on one night and be done with it instead of running away, trying to cover grief by busyness. “I really wish you peace,” they said.

I’m at the stage in my life where I no longer want fancy titles and management positions. What I want right now until the day I expire is inner peace. What is success? I was already an editor of a newspaper before the age of 30. I thought I would be climbing up the corporate ladder, if not the media ladder, and become middle manager before I hit 40 (which happened). I had thought of earning a CFA badge and move on to finance after earning my master’s degree. But all that changed after having my girls. Having them pulled me back to what is essential in life.

To live simply so my income would be enough for our needs and a bit of luxury like travel. Saving enough so that I will be able to retire comfortably and not worry too much about tomorrow. Investing enough so I can send my girls to college. To dive more, to go on more roadtrips (just like I used to do before when I was younger) either on four wheels or two wheels. To hike again (which I used to do a lot and I even documented one of my hiking/camping trips for a newspaper I used to write for in college) like what I did when I was single, happy, and free.

I don’t think I’m meant to have a partner. I am too independent and very opinionated for anybody’s taste. I shouldn’t make myself small for someone who refuses to grow up and I’m fed up being like that for almost 18 years with the girls’ dad. And I shouldn’t mourn somebody who despises me, which J does; I have to constantly remind myself of that. Have some self-respect, some dignity. I deserve better.

Illustration by @Avogado6 on Twitter.

So these two women are teaching me how to achieve inner peace, little by little, by living slow. I will soon find my own place in this world.

When it hits, it hits hard

Posted on by

https://www.instagram.com/p/CNLKr3BgzNo/?igshid=3hooleqvryh5

As I said before, when anger hits me, it hits me hard. To the point that I regretted that I loved him that much. To the point that I wished that I never met him.

Because you know, it’s hard. I just want peace. I just want to be left alone. I just want to be… Just be…

I just want this to be over. Because it hurts bad. I don’t deserve this.