It must be the confinement, the crappy feeling I have because of the booster shot, or maybe I had a dream that I no longer remember now that triggered that melancholic feeling I had earlier today.
I suddenly missed him.
I tried quelling that feeling the entire morning so I just stayed in bed, answering emails on my phone. Took a nap just to get rid of the feeling or else I would be bogged down the entire day when I have deadlines.
Well, I lost half a day. I promise to be better tomorrow. This confinement is not good for my healing.
Thank God for cats. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I want to have a dog again. Once we transfer to my hometown, I’m gonna get me a rescue dog.
Our neighbor’s fireworks on the street. Photo by CallMeCreation.comMy girls’ sparklers’ dying out. Photo by CallMeCreation.comFireworks in our village. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Here’s to a healthier 2022. More camping trips. Hopefully we would have roadtrips and diving trips.
Less stress from work. Better working conditions for us.
No more Covid please!
Please no Bong Bong Marcos presidency!!!
More personal growth for me and the kids. More love for family and friends.
I hope I hurt less. I hope I no longer hurt. Period. I hope I become more numb so I can finally move on.
But I should be kinder to myself because it’s not easy to emerge from that kind of heartbreak when you have given your love unconditionally like that. This is not a race. I should give myself time to heal better. As my shrink said, I should heal in a proper way so I won’t have another relapse and get into a cruel cycle.
2020 is horrible in every possible way. 2021 is like walking through fire barefoot. I hope for 2022 I come out stronger than steel forged by fire of the past 2 years.
My tire burst ahead of New Year fireworks. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
My tire burst while I was driving along a provincial road. Good thing it was along a populated area dotted with vulcanizing shops. And they were still open even if it’s Christmas Eve.
Good thing the vulcanizing shop is nearby or else I would have to change the heavy tires myself. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Good thing also that it didn’t happen while I was driving at 90 kmph along the expressway! God knows what would have happened to me.
Small tire shop still open. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
And when I reached my hometown, it was just pure luck that I chanced upon this small tire shop that was about to close for Christmas Eve. I bought two new 205s for the front and had the old front wheels transferred at the back. The lone old back wheel was demoted as a spare tire.
The last time I had a tire issue was last year when we went to Anilao in August. At that time I didn’t make it an issue that J left me to do all the work under the rain.
I was soaking wet.
Looking back I don’t know if he knows how to change tires or he just really didn’t care. I was hurt at that time but I didn’t want to dwell on it because I needed to function. I HAD NO MORE HEADSPACE for such things at that time.
Anyway, after my business with the tires today, I got home ate a very late lunch (at 3 pm) and slept. It was a tiring ordeal.
My mom’s Christmas decor. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Obviously they don’t have a cat.
Speaking of J, I had a strange dream him about him this morning before I woke up at 9:30 am. We were in my bed in my room here in my mom’s house. When my mom opened my door, she asked me in a plain curious way why J is still here. I couldn’t explain. I was searching for good excuses but I couldn’t come up with any.
When I woke up, I ruminated over it. It was probably my subconsciousness asking my rational self why is J still dwelling in me. And I couldn’t come up with any explanation other than the obvious. Then I calmly told my rational self that I will get over him in due time. I’m still fixing myself. This time last year I was a zombie who couldn’t sleep. Nowadays I sleep too much and I’m feeling so much better than 12 months ago. I was playing music tonight and sang for almost 3 hours. (Although my younger sister said I have so much pent up emotions to be able to sing for 3 hrs straight).
Am I still angry? I don’t know. I can’t hold on to anger and I don’t know who should I be angry at. Him? I have already accepted that he’s not a nice person. Am I angry with myself for ignoring that fact and that I have many flaws that’s why he was like that to me? I shouldn’t be hard on myself. It’s not my fault. ⬅️ I’m still coming to terms with this.
However, I do hope he’s having a nice Christmas, wherever he is.
We made ourselves happy by going to Bijin Nabe at Greenhills. It’s still delicious like the last time we have been there two years ago. The last time the girls went there was with J and they barely ate the hotpot and just went for the karaage. This time they got so full–mushrooms, radish, and all–from eating too much of the the hotpot that we couldn’t finish the extra collagen soup and ramen so we had them packed for takeout.
Mmmm. Chicken and its collagen soup. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Then we proceeded to the gadgets section of the Theater Mall to do business.
Selling my iPad 7 and having my iPad 9 installed with a tempered glass screen protector. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
We went around Virra Mall to look for keyboards but it turned out that they were too expensive for Twin A. She had self-restraint and didn’t want to spend on something she really doesn’t need. She’s saving up for a camera.
We were so preoccupied that I almost forgot that today is my first death anniversary. I only got reminded of it when a friend from high school was telling me she is breaking up with her partner because he could not commit, saying some stupid thing like being traumatized by the soon to be ex-wife. (I don’t understand why he couldn’t divorce his wife when divorce is not that hard to get in Singapore unlike here where there is no divorce and annulment takes years to be granted, if you have enough money).
I told her it’s hogwash. I was in the same boat as this guy is but I never made an excuse like that when in fact I am really traumatized by my ex and that marriage. But I gave my all and didn’t hold back. I loved J unconditionally and did not hesitate with committing. It was he who didn’t want to commit.
I told my friend that he didn’t love her enough. Better walk away.
She said yeah, he didn’t want to put a label on whatever they had. He neither wanted to commit. She said, what are we, fuck buddies?
Looks like it, I said. Then I told her:
R was an instrument for you to realize what was important to you just as God showed me what kind of love I deserve. The unconditional love I gave J is the kind of love that I should have and not just the loose change that I received from him and from the girls’ dad. Because I grew up not knowing what a healthy love looks like. So in a way God let J into my life to make me realize that even if I forever remain single, it’s ok. Because I learned now what unconditional love is. It just so happened it was me who gave it instead of receiving it.
It’s kinda sad, right? But I’m still healing, a year after. It still hurts, I have to admit but I know it always will. It’s just a matter of managing that hurt and the degree by which I will allow myself to be affected by it.
He has moved on a long time ago. He started messaging that girl in April, so I was told. Four months after we broke up. How convenient.
I hope I won’t get triggered after today. I’m so tired of riding this roller coaster ride of emotions.
I wish I have a huge wall in my future flat to house a big bookshelf like this. But I have to content myself with a few shelves scattered all over the place because I need to prioritize windows over the need for bookshelves. Light vs books. We’re not even talking about keeping the flat cool because the two rooms and main living area would be airconditioned.
But for a writer/editor, not having enough books in my house is hurting my brain 😜 They’re sort of my security blanket. My escape from this uncertain world. They were my friends when I withdrew from society.
I’ve swapped our rooms so it makes more sense. But when I showed this to the girls, they protested and they want me to bring back the loft beds and want the smaller room so that there would be less area to clean. 🤷🏻♀️ Well then, if that’s what they want, I will swap again and retain the original plan drawn by the contractor. I will have a bigger cave all to myself.
My fridge finally arrived and it’s much bigger than my old one. Twin A, who is over 4 ft or nearly 5 ft, stood beside it. The freezer has 3 shelves so it’s roomy enough and it can fit a month’s worth of meat and fish and other frozen food. I can finally lessen the frequency of my grocery run.
Photo by CallMeCreation.com Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Tomorrow is Greenhills day so I can sell my iPhone and iPad 7 as I got myself a new iPad 9, 256GB. I can look at keyboards and pen for the iPad so I can also make it my alternative laptop when I travel–for emergencies. I’ve experienced traveling for my holiday and some work emergency sprung up because some deal is closing or whatnot. I don’t want to be lugging around a heavy laptop when I go to the beach or I go roaming in Vietnam or Cambodia.
I need to cheer myself up because tomorrow midnight will be my first death anniversary.
Christmas tree at the lobby of EDSA Shangri-la Manila. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I attended my first face-to-face presscon this afternoon in almost two years. Two years. That long. I no longer know how it is to meet new CEOs–I forgot to bring my business cards. I got a nice story out of that and more.
Since I will be on leave starting this Friday, the new meetings I will be having are already lined up for January. I will be having a very busy 2022.
I’m blessed this year despite the hardships I’ve been through, physically, emotionally, and mentally. Good things have been coming my way. ❤️
I don’t know if this is escitalopram talking but I find life nowadays peaceful. Life is beautiful.
One day I’ll look back on 2020-2021 and tell myself, Yeah you survived that.
