Mending fences

Posted on February 15, 2022 by admin

I had a very good guy friend (if there was a best guy friend, he was it) in college and we were close. He was there every heartbreak I had. He was protective of us girls in the group. I often had drinking sessions with him. Right after we graduated he confessed: that he liked me from the beginning, on the first day our block met. He said he was in love with me and he took the same classes I took so that we would be classmates. I was so clueless then; I had no idea. And the reason why he didn’t pursue me was I had a boyfriend who was his fraternity brother. When I was free, he was in a relationship with our common friend. He said it was not meant to be.

So I brushed it off and it was like my rejection of him. I did not entertain him.

But his girlfriend knew she was just playing second fiddle to me and was very insecure of me. Since I was also her friend, I chose to cut the ties with both of them so they can live in peace. I had since transferred to Manila.

However, he was being weird and was sending me weird messages on YM and emails. I had to lie that I was already married (but I wasn’t) but the message got warped and it made a whole lot of mess, to make the long story short. His girlfriend was so angry that she called me names and other stuff on the phone. I don’t know why she was angry when I was the one who was already cutting her bf off. So this gf and her bestfriend slandered me online and so on and so forth. Later, things soured between the couple that they split. This guy friend was so angry with me (and I don’t know why when he was the one who was being weird) and that finally burned our bridges.

Years later, the former gf and her bestfriend apologized to me and said it was jealousy and deceit by the guy that propelled her to do what they had done to me. For me it was a non-issue anymore since they were so far removed from my reality…I mean I was leading a very different life and they no longer mattered.

A few months ago, this guy friend requested to follow me on Instagram. I was glad that he no longer has issues with me. Today, this guy friend reached out to me on IG and asked about my kids that he often sees on my posts. I also commented on his kids and we were talking about kids, his wife, raising children, etc. It was like nothing happened. We are finally mending fences after 20 years. He said when we come back to our hometown, he’ll bring his kids to meet mine.

You know, when the friendship is true, it doesn’t matter how far and how long you had been away from each other. You will still be friends again at some point. Because you respected each other and if you hurt each other in the past, in the end it won’t matter anymore because the ties that bound you are still there.

I can’t say the same for romantic relationships that were built on lies and deceit.

*My little pink rose. Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

This rose struggled but against all odds it bloomed again. It started out as plain pink rose but now it bloomed into a variegated mini rose.

*They lived! Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

My flowers survived days after their transplant/re-potting. Yey! The real culprit in many of my plants’ death is the root rot because the water didn’t drain well. The planter’s holes were blocked so I spent almost an hour just punching holes in this one and changed soil. Now I have to condition it with humic acid fertilizer that I buy online. This was effective in helping my dormant roses and mums flower again.

*My garden at night. Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

My goal is to fill every nook and cranny of this small courtyard with flowers before we leave this apartment next year. I want this to bloom all year-round.

Slowly. One step at a time. I am building myself up again, mending fences with the past, and forging a new future with new self-respect, love, and appreciation for myself and for whatever I have. Because as I said before, all I want is to have peace and be content.

Time check: 3:42 am. Damn, I only slept for 30 mins. I could no longer go back to sleep. 🤦🏻‍♀️

10 steps forward, 2 steps back

Posted on February 9, 2022 by admin

“I also felt that way,” my friend told me this morning. “It took me a long time to process and two years later I still think about it. But it’s a big thing that I realized slowly my worth to my family, friends, and work. It’s a big deal that I know myself and what values and dreams I have.”

She continued: “If you know yourself and your values and dreams, it’s a big factor in accepting yourself and you are both different–it will be easier for you to rise from this challenge. It’s not because you found someone else but because you know who you are and you are happy with who you are.”

“You need to look at yourself and appreciate what you have and what you are. Because he cannot take that away from you, unless you let him.”

Words of encouragement from friends are what keep me from falling off the rails.

That’s why I tried to find myself because I lost so much…I lost almost everything. But he can’t take away my essence.

I clearly remember him asking me, “Will you be my home?” I offered him a home. Then he threw it back to my face. He must have been play-acting at that time he asked me.

In any case, I am still home to friends and family. K says that he loves it that my apartment feels homey and I’ve always cooked for friends when they’re here. My friends are always welcome to stay when they are weary. This is where my cousin runs to when she needs to. Because I am home to many of my loved ones. My arms are always open to those who needed a hug, love, and assurance. And as my friend told me this morning, be happy that you have that capacity to give because many don’t.

J admonished me one time. “Why do you keep on saying these positive things when things are bad?” he told me bitterly while we were walking around University Avenue for exercise. He was having a hard time at work. I told him, “because you need support and I believe in you,” I said.

I guess he didn’t value that.

He didn’t value anything about me.

But he will no longer dictate my value.

I am somebody a guy would be proud to walk hand-in-hand with and I don’t have to dress like a hooker to be viewed as beautiful. I am somebody who makes government officials think and sit up on their chairs when I quiz them on national television. I am somebody who can be a panelist in an international investor conference, quizzing global CEOs and CFOs on stage to extricate important points and not just go through uninteresting questions. I am one of the resources tapped by our global HQ to train employees on public speaking. I’ve been training reporters for more than a decade. I inherited my parents’ brains and I’m not just some bimbo pretending to be more important than I really am. My job title is not empty. People take me seriously and when I speak, they listen. As one Finance official told me, I am a no nonsense journalist.

And my team values me. Somebody who left the team wanted to come back when he learned I would soon be heading the team. I have lifted others from other teams to expand their horizons and with my encouragement, they have shifted roles, climbed up, and are now discovering their true worth.

I am a good friend, a good daughter, and had been a good partner. I have many imperfections but it’s ok, at least I am not evil. I can still drink like a sailor and I’m cool to have around–that’s why my guy friends voted to make me as one of their co-hosts because I can understand whatever rocks their boats and they feel safe with me.

To my children, I am their world–for now.

I had worn so many hats for J: a lover, a nurturer, a domestic goddess, a cheerleader, a business partner, a friend, a sounding board, an adventurer–and so much more. I understood his interests and hobbies without any effort at all because my interests run along the same course. I don’t find his geekiness weird or a quirk; I’m a geek as well. He didn’t have to pretend with me at all even if he did because I accepted him as he was. Pity he didn’t see all these.

He will never find another one like me. And he just threw me away.

I am down in the dumps again. I have taken 10 steps forward, two steps back with this latest setback.

But I will rise again. This mental breakdown was just caused by so much trauma. I’m stronger than this.

Since I slept at past 5 am today, I was more useless today than previous days. I still managed to have several calls, got some leads, and worked on some stories with other colleagues from other parts of Asia. But basically the writing part is still stuck because my brain is half asleep. I was supposed to have dinner at 6 pm tonight in Makati with some journo friends (from competing international news agencies) but I was too sleepy to drive so it was a no-go.

So I just turned to my garden, to make my hands busy.

*Carnations. Because the national campaign is PINK. Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

My rose is blooming again. *Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

Once I have my own real garden, it would be blooming with more flowers and vegetables.

Because I am a nurturer. A creator. I am Creation.

Vitamin Sea

Posted on February 5, 2022 by admin

*Anilao, Mabini, Batangas. Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

Old and fresh wounds have opened up and as expected, I had trouble sleeping despite taking alprazolam. I hate this. I thought I’m done with this. I thought I’m mending. I thought I’m going to be alright. I thought wrong.

I’m still so, so far. A little thank you sends so many bitter memories and feelings. I’m like this broken vase that keeps cracking, breaking, and repairing itself with little bits and pieces of whatever could be salvaged.

I hope I’m not a zombie by Monday since Asian markets will be back again. Inflation concerns are creeping up. I should be alert and scoop up FMETF when it dips. I have US-East Asia de-SPAC stories to write. I have a lot of things to write 🤦🏻‍♀️

I want a huge dose of Vitamin sea now but I have to be careful. I checked with Blue Ribbon yesterday if my reservation for last year is still intact; they said it’s there and I just have to tell them when I will have the 4D-3N reservation. Probably we’ll go there when the winds are kinder and the diving sites are much pleasant. I would have to buy the doughnut and diving buoy. I should buy those fins meant for free dives, too. How about underwater camera???

By June probably we can go to Bohol (if resorts are already operating) or Moalboal for the sardine run. The girls suggested Palawan for my solo trip to refresh me. They know everything that’s why they are rallying behind me.

Do the things that I love to banish this pain. Do the things that make me ME and not feel small when others seem to lead shinier lives. I’m not like that. I like contemplative activities, as well as the outdoors, but I also like creating a home. I like taking care of others. K said he misses my cooking so I said we’ll have barbeque outside my apartment with other friends. Just no talk of his sexcapades with his one-night-stand boylets or else my neighbors will be scandalized.

I finished one panel. Two panels more for the girls’ bedroom. Then I will tackle the curtains for the living room.

Later today or tomorrow when I’m feeling much better, I will tackle the container garden. Seeing flowers make me happy. I like working with my hands, be it cooking, gardening or crafting. But I also like having battle of wits with CEOs for mental calisthenics. Putting a lot of platitudes on a social media profile only makes one look shallow. I’d rather have cerebral swordfights with these guys and earn their respect. During my last interview, the CEO of a firm abroad told me he enjoyed our conversation because I get it.

Hmm, maybe I should have a side gig interviewing people on TV. I can probably pitch…

I will get through this. One day there will be no more pain. I will look back when I’m 60 and say, yeah, I’ve lived a good life: raised my kids, have good friends, did the things I love and not chase shallowness and illusions. And yeah, libraries have the books I wrote.

One day, no more pain. Oh God, it hurts right now.

It’s 5:39 am. It seems like meeting daylight is a regular thing for me now.

I’ve come to hate the night. What used to be a time that offers rest and tranquility is now a time of chaos and restlessness. I can’t take alprazolam again because it’s a controlled substance, therefore, addictive. For goodness’ sake, it’s a tranquilizer!

When will this end? Haven’t I carried this cross long enough? I wish I could snap my fingers and boom–it’s gone. No, it doesn’t work that way.

I’m trying. I’m really trying.

If loving unconditionally means long-term suffering like this, then I no longer choose to love like that ever. I am really swearing off this thing called love. It’s just for my girls and the cats, that’s it. God, I can’t take this anymore.

Good day to be out

Posted on January 29, 2022 by admin

*At Track 3oth @BGC*. *Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

The girls had been cooped up for so long that they pestered me about going out today. But first I needed to cook brunch because I was not really sure if the kids can eat at a restaurant even if it’s al fresco.

*Lugaw is essential. Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

I was supposed to make this into arroz caldo but I forgot to defrost the chicken so it’s just plain lugaw with boiled eggs. Still good though.

Then I tended to my garden. I had to relocate some plants because the heat at noon is too intense for them.

*The wilted hanging plants under the shade of the mango tree. Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

*Happy mums. Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

*My roses in that* *big planter are almost dying . Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

So some of my roses are again victims of the neighborhood feral cats because they kept digging the soil to poop. I have sprayed the area with perfumed disinfectant so drive them away but it wasn’t enough. I need lemon and orange peels to assault their strong sense of smell. Then I placed the marigolds beside the dying roses to provide protection and shade. I’m still trying to revive them. My humic fertilizers I ordered online will soon be arriving. Roses, please hang on! Meanwhile, my wire mesh from Shopee arrived and attached them to the wall. I’m waiting for my hanging planters to arrive, also from Shopee, that I will hang on the grid and so the feral cats won’t be able to reach the plants that I will be putting there.

I was multitasking today. While doing my hobby, I was doing chores like washing stuffed toys using the mini washing machine because we would be giving those to the orphanage in Manila. I would be sending several kilos of powdered milk and the stuffed toys via Grab tomorrow. The toys now are almost as good as new.

As I thought, the girls were not allowed to enter Bonifacio High Street (they required vaccination cards before entering; of course the girls still don’t have it) so I just ordered Starbucks donuts and a giant cookie with frappucinos to go.

Then we plopped on the grass at Track 30th because that’s the only place where kids are allowed. Twin I was put out that she couldn’t ride a bike around BGC because we didn’t bring any bike. Besides, I couldn’t bike with her because of abdominal cramps (red days). I told her we’ll bring our bikes next week. You see, the only safe places now for them are UP Diliman and BGC and they’re getting tired of UP campus so that leaves BGC as the only option. On top of that, you can’t really stay inside UP campus if you’re not exercising; they’re discouraging people to linger as part of their anti-covid protocols.

*Sunset on the grass. Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

*Watching kids riding their scooters. Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

We walked around some more for a bit of exercise because we had been sedentary for a loooooooooooong time.

*Families with kids enjoying the afternoon in a grassy vacant lot near Dean and Deluca. Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

*Another day is dying in the city. I don’t know how long we will still be trapped in this concrete jungle. Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

Perhaps when I’m fed up working at home, I’ll just go to BGC and station myself in one coffee shop around the area to work. I have three stories to write and I need to get out of my box to be motivated to write those. I remember that I used to work a lot in BGC–at Starbucks inside Fullybooked in Bonifacio High Street, Starbucks beside Pancake House and at Bo’s Coffee, also at Bonifacio High Street–when I felt a little bit claustrophobic in Ayala in Makati. That was before the pandemic. Since I’ve been stuck here in this room for two years, I think it’s about time I change my venue.

On the way back home, we stopped by Jjangkke to buy the spicy chicken that I’ve been hankering after since last night. Finally, one parking slot was open and I was able to get my chicken!

What to do tomorrow?

Lack of empathy

Posted on January 23, 2022 by admin

Let me tell you about people’s disconnect from the realities of this world. Their bubble and the lack of resistance in life made them what they are… They lack empathy. I’ve met humans like that and I honestly wish I won’t come into contact with them ever again.

Follow this thread on Twitter, it’s interesting and it hurts.

since we're talking about wharton I would like to share some of my experiences there as a low-income undergrad. so at penn, there are more students in the top 0.1% income bracket than in the bottom 20%. only about 3% of the student body are from the bottom 20%— I was one of them
— soup (@jasminericegirl) January 21, 2022

my freshman year, I told a classmate I had a full ride to penn ($80k/year tuition) because my parents make only $10k/year, and they replied "you're so lucky, I have to pay full tuition cause my parents make too much money" lmaooooOoOo
— soup (@jasminericegirl) January 21, 2022

I graduated in 2020 & while I was there it always felt cutthroat, it always felt like low-income people were morally below those with wealth and status, anything "cool" costed thousands of dollars to join, and everyone was supposed to go into finance and work at goldman sachs.
— soup (@jasminericegirl) January 21, 2022

not all, but wayyyy too many wharton students I worked with were honestly dumb as hell, out of touch with reality, had no critical thinking skills, and were probably at wharton because their last name is on a building somewhere on campus
— soup (@jasminericegirl) January 21, 2022

I had a legal studies class where a classmate argued that sweat shops were ethical and good because people made more money than they would without them. I had a management class where someone argued racial inequality does not exist anymore.
— soup (@jasminericegirl) January 21, 2022

in one class our professor showed us this chart of the distribution of wealth inequality in the country, and he asked the class to vote for which distribution they wanted to live in. majority voted the top one. prof then asked class if they were born again in a different pic.twitter.com/9Yaf3ghISX
— soup (@jasminericegirl) January 21, 2022

family and statistically would end up in a lower bracket, which wealth distribution they'd want. majority of class still voted the top one- they wanted wealth inequality to remain as it was. and that's prob cause they don't realize the median income is like $30k/year but lol…
— soup (@jasminericegirl) January 21, 2022

as you can see from the chart, most americans want less wealth inequality. at wharton, in a class full of students who will likely become people that can influence what inequality actually looks like, the majority wanted more wealth inequality. it keeps me up at night sometimes
— soup (@jasminericegirl) January 21, 2022

I did a leadership retreat my junior year with a group of students who were all leaders (held a president/VP role) across different organizations at penn. facilitators had us play a little income inequality game. you're given different amounts of money at the start of the game
— soup (@jasminericegirl) January 21, 2022

and the goal is to make more, but rules are rigged so that it's easier to make money the more money you have, so basically people that started out rich stay rich and vice versa.
— soup (@jasminericegirl) January 21, 2022

anyways the group debriefs after the game and i'm like maybe people will have normal obvious takes like "social mobility is hard" or "income inequality sucks" but one guy said something like "poor people are unable to make good decisions in our society so they can't advance"
— soup (@jasminericegirl) January 21, 2022

& another girl followed up with "yeah poor people just aren't as smart" and I looked around to see if the 4 adult facilitators in the room were gonna say something like "actually you can't say that" or "that's not true tina" but everybody just kept going like nothing happened
— soup (@jasminericegirl) January 21, 2022

it finally got to my turn to speak so I was like "hey joshua and tina…what do u mean by poor people don't make good decisions bc i'm POOR btw but here we all are at a leadership retreat." they doubled down and talked about illiteracy rates, graduation rates, etc., as if those
— soup (@jasminericegirl) January 21, 2022

fully well you had low-income students in the room. and then one of the facilitators started crying??? and she was like sorry we've never had a situation like this in all my years facilitating this retreat and I didn't say this cus she was so sad but I doubt it was the first time
— soup (@jasminericegirl) January 21, 2022

a bunch of rich students said headassery shit about poor people, it was probably just the first time you had a poor kid in the group who didn't wanna take it. but anyways I left that retreat thinking about how those kids are all going to graduate and go into positions of power
— soup (@jasminericegirl) January 21, 2022

and make decisions that affect many people, and I wonder if those decisions will ever appropriately factor in people from marginalized communities. and idk if me being there and saying something made the slightest difference, but I really do hope so.
— soup (@jasminericegirl) January 21, 2022

lol one time a friend (financially well off) invited me to her apartment and offered me a glass of wine and when I got home she venmo charged me $2 for it and honestly that was probably the most oppressive thing I experienced all 4 years at penn (i'm joking but also like fr)
— soup (@jasminericegirl) January 21, 2022

anyways, there were definitely amazing friends I've made at penn, and shout out to the professors who sent me free copies of required text when I told them I couldn't afford their $400 online readings, but penn/wharton need to do a better job of changing the culture they have
— soup (@jasminericegirl) January 21, 2022

and think more seriously about who they want to shape as future leaders in the world beyond just legacy students. when the majority of your students come from the top 10% income bracket, there is a serious disconnect from the rest of the world, and that needs addressing pic.twitter.com/LBxQCamoDV
— soup (@jasminericegirl) January 21, 2022

No, this is not only about UPenn. This is everywhere. I remember having to hear such similar litany regularly before. And I wondered why this person even bothered talking to me or being with me at that moment. This person couldn’t believe that there are people who could not afford to pay the full amount for a bottle of shampoo so poor families resort to buying sachets of shampoo because that’s all they could afford for the day. Because they had to make 500 pesos or 350 pesos fit for everyone in their family for a day. Everyday. 365 days a year.

This type of person couldn’t understand the sachet economy that is the Philippines. That not everybody can afford to buy their daily needs from supermarkets and had to rely on sari-sari stores for their groceries–despite the fact that they pay 1.5 or even 2x the retail price–because the sari-sari stores can sell them goods on credit.

And this person just thinks the poor are just numbskulls that’s why they stay poor. This person does not understand that when you’re at the lower level of the pyramid, it’s hard to climb, even if poor people work 18 hours a day. There are just too many hurdles strewn around those at the poverty line compared to people like me who lead a relatively comfortable life. I’m not even rich. I drive a crappy car, I don’t own a house. I don’t have financial security.

And yet these people will be the ones running companies, making public policies, make big and small decisions that can add or lessen the obstacles for the poor. The lack of empathy among this kind of people is disturbing.

Because I’m not in a good mood today, I slept almost the entire day. And then fixed my container garden.

*New location. Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

I relocated my plants because placing them under the huge mango tree was a big mistake. They were shaded, fell victim to caterpillars, aphids, and other pests, neighborhood cats kept digging the soil, and the overall vibe was bad. So a lot of my plants died and these are the hardier ones. The roses lost many leaves and the flowering became dormant.

Now I’ve put white stones so the outdoor cats wouldn’t dig again. I bought flowering fertilizers to revive the roses. My sunflower was completely lost to caterpillars. The periwinkle died of root rot or some fungal infection. The mums and the daisies stopped flowering maybe because the location was not optimal.

I had to redo everything.

This is my goal:

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Rika ガーデン/ビオトープ/インテリア (@r_6cafe)

She just completely transformed her condo balcony into a country-style garden.

More or less we have the same size to work with. She has more patience and time than I do though.

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A post shared by Rika ガーデン/ビオトープ/インテリア (@r_6cafe)

Christmas Rush

Posted on December 12, 2021 by admin

Driving back to QC is terrible when you lack sleep. I drove for 3 hrs with a pounding head. I think my astigmatism got worse so I need to see an optometrist ASAP. It seems like the pandemic is only a figment of our imagination given the volume of cars out today on the highway and expressway.

Hosting our alumni homecoming last night was ok, except for low battery microphone issues. My class was able to raise about PhP 1.9m (USD 38,000) for the school (IT equipment like laptops for students in need and Internet access for them), digitization of records, and seed money for the endowment fund.

After the event, we just ate, had a little jamming session, and had the hired mobile/sound systems/broadcast/camera equipment company, etc pack their stuff. We didn’t have the energy to party like we did in the past when we only quit when the sun is already up.

This time we were out of the venue by 12 mn. That’s what growing old means.

Because I was so tired and sleepy, my mom and my older sister were the only ones who were able to join the caravan for Leni Robredo in our town and nearby cities this morning. In solidarity, I wore the volunteer shirt last night before we had our live broadcast.

On our way back to QC, I bought some plants to give to friends for Christmas.

These plants are relatives of the birds of paradise (Musaceae) and they have to reach 5 ft before they start flowering. Given the right conditions, that can easily be achieved. Just look at my own birds of paradise, it has grown from a rhizome to 4 ft in 12 months. Had the mother plant lived, it would have flowered by now.

One of the reasons why we needed to go home ASAP is because my cats have been so sad. Ate C sent me another photo of Kimchi waiting for me to enter the door last night.

Meanwhile, my fridge has already given up on me. Ate C had been messaging me while I was driving that the lower part has remained at room temp but the freezer is still ok. She tried her best to do what I did as a band-aid measure when this fridge conked out a few months ago. But Ate C’s efforts it didn’t work.

So the first thing I did when we got home was to scan Lazada for deals. I finally bought the 11.6 cu ft two-door, bottom freezer inverter refrigerator from Panasonic with free shipping. I no longer want LG-branded fridges. This one at home is only 7 years old and the one it replaced was a Samsung, which was only two years old when the insulation burst open and leaked ice and water all over the place. I wanted the Hitachi bottom freezer fridge but Anson’s Online’s pricing was confusing. At first it said there was a discount of about PHP 3,000 but when I was checking out the item in my cart, it went back to the original price. It was dodgy. So they wouldn’t give discounts for those who are using credit cards online? That’s stupid.

And oh, I must talk to my financial advisor. I need to draw down one of my funds because construction for my flat will start in January.

I’m excited and scared.

Stories from the sidelines

A journalist has a life other than news

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