Co-dependency is not a disorder. It is a learned behavior that can be reversed, or so the experts say. Just like most co-dependents, I learned it from my mother. And just like other co-dependents, I never had a good model of what a healthy romantic relationship looks like. That’s why we (the girls in my family) always had dysfunctional relationships.
I want to cut the chains. I don’t want my girls to learn this behavior. I want them to see for themselves that they can exist and be loved without having to depend on external sources (partner) and be happy. That they have to be happy with themselves and be fulfilled. They don’t need validation from other people. They should see that they just shouldn’t accept crumbs of love from their partner. They deserve to be loved wholly and truthfully.
I deserve to be loved wholly and truthfully. I should be loved for what I am and not for what I could offer. I should no longer accept crumbs. Nor pity nor guilt. And I should stick into the gray matter between my ears that people who deserve me will make the effort to stay in my life. Not throw me away after my usefulness has expired.
Love myself to cut the chains. That’s my resolution for 2021.
Kalimutan mo na sya, hindi ka nya mahal. At ang tanging nasabi nya lang sa yo ay sorry.
Marikina Riverside Park. Photo by callmecreation.com
A special person in my life told me that he feels like he is a burden to me that’s why he has pushed me back. To ease the burden. I told him that life is a series of choices and it was my choice to be with him. A burden is an unwelcome load. He was not a load. Nor unwelcome at that.
Anyway, upon stepping back and analyzing things, the truth of the matter is it wasn’t really his feeling of him being a burden that is the main problem.
It is me who is a burden.
My co-dependency is a big weight to carry around. Co-dependency = my happiness depends on the happiness of that person. And if that person is not happy, then the co-dependent feels like she is a failure then she would do more; in the process she will lose herself in the situation/relationship. All the more the other party (if the other party is does not have narcissistic personality disorder) would feel overwhelmed. The other party would feel he is not doing enough to feel equal. Then there will be a feeling of not deserving the love the co-dependent is offering.
And when the other party is overwhelmed, things can get disorienting. The parties lose proper perspective. Then comes the crumbling of something that was supposed to be wonderful. It has become a prison.
So co-dependency is a symptom of something that has to be cured. What disease is this, it is still unknown. It can be insecurity. I really don’t know. What I know is I am a co-dependent that’s why I got involved with a narcissist. My shrink diagnosed that my distant ex has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Narcs always gravitate towards co-dependents. We’re easy to manipulate.
My shrink is smart, my cousin said. Right off the bat my shrink said, “your dad is an alcoholic.” Ummm yeah, I said. “Your mom is a co-dependent who could not leave your dad.” Spot on.
“You inherited your co-dependency from your mother. That’s what you learned while growing up.”
And she said I was thought-blocking whenever I tried to talk about that relationship with this narc. I still had barriers that I had put up in trying to protect the narc. I was filtering information even with my shrink. “Because you do not speak ill of your partner to other people,” that’s what my mother taught me. Hence, the though-blocking.
So now with this recent ex, my co-dependency has been overwhelming to the point that it may have destroyed his confidence on a lot of things. Knowing that I am co-dependent and yet I jumped into this new situation is not healthy. It will not cure me of this symptom.
I have to zero in on the disease to cure me of the symptom. I need to figure out whether this is because of this inferiority complex I had while growing up. I suffered from very low self-esteem ever since I was a child. Every relationship I had was a failure since I used those relationships to cure me of my insecurities. To validate myself.
My father also had NPD. All my life it was always a battle to win his love. I didn’t realize that it was a losing battle because narcs cannot love other people above themselves. Yes, he loved his children and my mom but it’s always himself first, everyone else comes after.
So maybe that’s where the insecurity comes from. As a little girl I always thought myself as unloveable. I had that implanted in my brain that no one would love me. So people keep scratching their heads why I keep having relationships with ugly men (literally and figuratively). Maybe because I felt they were the only ones who would love me. That’s why it took years before I was able to leave the narc. Unfortunately, it was already too late. I already had trauma.
But the last one was different. We’re both mature individuals albeit with issues. But we have mutual respect for each other so that also made a difference. However, his need for affirmation and fear of rejection is feeding my co-dependency. It was a perfect combination for an unhealthy relationship.
So here we are in this state of flux. Well, it’s no longer a flux since it’s over. It’s a painful but beautiful lesson learned.
This article from Psychology Today helped me recognize that stepping back is necessary. That letting go is a path to curing myself of co-dependency. Until I resolved my insecurities, cured me of my need to be loved to have self-worth, I will not have healthy relationships.
I’m 41 years old. I still have a lot of growing up to do.
