Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com Art and photo by CallMeCreation.comArt and photo by CallMeCreation.com
No need for words. Because words aren’t enough.
There are times when writers fail but visual artists succeed in conveying indescribable emotions. That’s why I appreciate artists who could take an image to the next level. Writing is a very complex cognitive process and if your heart and brain are not in sync, it’s nearly impossible to finish the task. And my brain and heart are already tired finding the right words. That’s why I resorted to drawing again. It’s more of the emotions pushing every pencil stroke. You just have to think about where the light is coming from–chiaroscuro. Today’s drawing is composed of soft lines because I want to be nicer to myself. Yesterday was all about harsh and angular lines because I was very angry. I’m debating whether I should complete tonight’s sketch or I leave it as is, because the feeling it evokes is enough.
Despite my emotional state today, I still managed to have a call, finish an analysis piece, and work on some emails. I NEED TO SLEEP! I have an interview with a CEO of a global company tomorrow morning. Oh God, help me sleep.
It’s 2:37 am. Been waking up every 30 mins or an hour. But this shouldn’t happen because I just took alprazolam at 10 pm. I’m so fucked up.
Please, let me sleep in peace. I don’t deserve this PTSD.
I want you to know, that I am happy for you I wish nothing but the best for you both An older version of me Is she perverted like me? Would she go down on you in a theater? Does she speak eloquently And would she have your baby? I’m sure she’d make a really excellent mother
‘Cause the love that you gave that we made Wasn’t able to make it enough for you To be open wide, no And every time you speak her name Does she know how you told me You’d hold me until you died ‘Til you died, but you’re still alive
And I’m here, to remind you Of the mess you left when you went away It’s not fair, to deny me Of the cross I bear that you gave to me You, you, you oughta know
You seem very well, things look peaceful I’m not quite as well, I thought you should know Did you forget about me, Mr. Duplicity? I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner It was a slap in the face How quickly I was replaced And are you thinking of me when you fuck her?
‘Cause the love that you gave that we made Wasn’t able to make it enough for you To be open wide, no And every time you speak her name Does she know how you told me You’d hold me until you died ‘Til you died, but you’re still alive
And I’m here, to remind you Of the mess you left when you went away It’s not fair, to deny me Of the cross I bear that you gave to me You, you, you oughta know
‘Cause the joke that you laid in the bed That was me and I’m not gonna fade As soon as you close your eyes, and you know it And every time I scratch my nails Down someone else’s back I hope you feel it Well, can you feel it?
Well I’m here, to remind you Of the mess you left when you went away It’s not fair, to deny me Of the cross I bear that you gave to me You, you, you oughta know
Well I’m here, to remind you Of the mess you left when you went away It’s not fair, to deny me Of the cross I bear that you gave to me You, you, you oughta know
Well, not really quickly replaced. I was cheated on. There you go. I am so fucking angry right now.
I no longer know what to do with my head and hands. I can’t sleep. My heart is breaking into a million pieces but is still held by a flimsy tape.
Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com
I hate drawing hands. I’ll redo the hands later today after observing my own hands.
This is how I feel today. I don’t know how to channel this pain. I no longer know how to express this since words aren’t enough. Singing it isn’t enough. I need to express it graphically to make it raw. To make it more real, more tangible. Like shooting an arrow straight to the heart.
I may have to buy a big sketch pad and this Muji notebook for my work notes will not do.
There’s a lot of things I understand And there’s a lot of things that I don’t want to know But you’re the only face I recognize It’s so damn sweet of you To look me in the eyes
It’s alright, I’m O.K. I think God can explain I believe I’m the same I get carried away It’s alright, I’m O.K. I think God can explain I’m relieved I’m relaxed I’ll get over it yet
The scent of Vaseline In the summertime The feel of an ice cube Melting overtime The world seems bigger Than both of us Yet it seems so small When I begin to cry
It’s alright, I’m O.K. I think God can explain I believe I’m the same I get carried away It’s alright, I’m O.K. I think God can explain I’m relieved I’m relaxed I’ll get over it yet
I’m so much better than you guessed I’m so much bigger than you guessed I’m so much brighter than you guessed
It’s alright I’m O.K. I think God can explain I believe I’m the same I get carried away
It’s alright I’m O.K. I think God can explain I’m relieved I’m relaxed I’ll get off of your back
I think God can explain I think God can explain I think God can explain
Anilao, Mabini, Batangas. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Old and fresh wounds have opened up and as expected, I had trouble sleeping despite taking alprazolam. I hate this. I thought I’m done with this. I thought I’m mending. I thought I’m going to be alright. I thought wrong.
I’m still so, so far. A little thank you sends so many bitter memories and feelings. I’m like this broken vase that keeps cracking, breaking, and repairing itself with little bits and pieces of whatever could be salvaged.
I hope I’m not a zombie by Monday since Asian markets will be back again. Inflation concerns are creeping up. I should be alert and scoop up FMETF when it dips. I have US-East Asia de-SPAC stories to write. I have a lot of things to write 🤦🏻♀️
I want a huge dose of Vitamin sea now but I have to be careful. I checked with Blue Ribbon yesterday if my reservation for last year is still intact; they said it’s there and I just have to tell them when I will have the 4D-3N reservation. Probably we’ll go there when the winds are kinder and the diving sites are much pleasant. I would have to buy the doughnut and diving buoy. I should buy those fins meant for free dives, too. How about underwater camera???
By June probably we can go to Bohol (if resorts are already operating) or Moalboal for the sardine run. The girls suggested Palawan for my solo trip to refresh me. They know everything that’s why they are rallying behind me.
Do the things that I love to banish this pain. Do the things that make me ME and not feel small when others seem to lead shinier lives. I’m not like that. I like contemplative activities, as well as the outdoors, but I also like creating a home. I like taking care of others. K said he misses my cooking so I said we’ll have barbeque outside my apartment with other friends. Just no talk of his sexcapades with his one-night-stand boylets or else my neighbors will be scandalized.
Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I finished one panel. Two panels more for the girls’ bedroom. Then I will tackle the curtains for the living room.
Later today or tomorrow when I’m feeling much better, I will tackle the container garden. Seeing flowers make me happy. I like working with my hands, be it cooking, gardening or crafting. But I also like having battle of wits with CEOs for mental calisthenics. Putting a lot of platitudes on a social media profile only makes one look shallow. I’d rather have cerebral swordfights with these guys and earn their respect. During my last interview, the CEO of a firm abroad told me he enjoyed our conversation because I get it.
Hmm, maybe I should have a side gig interviewing people on TV. I can probably pitch…
Photo by CallMeCreation.com Photo by CallMeCreation.com Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I will get through this. One day there will be no more pain. I will look back when I’m 60 and say, yeah, I’ve lived a good life: raised my kids, have good friends, did the things I love and not chase shallowness and illusions. And yeah, libraries have the books I wrote.
One day, no more pain. Oh God, it hurts right now.
It’s 5:39 am. It seems like meeting daylight is a regular thing for me now.
I’ve come to hate the night. What used to be a time that offers rest and tranquility is now a time of chaos and restlessness. I can’t take alprazolam again because it’s a controlled substance, therefore, addictive. For goodness’ sake, it’s a tranquilizer!
When will this end? Haven’t I carried this cross long enough? I wish I could snap my fingers and boom–it’s gone. No, it doesn’t work that way.
I’m trying. I’m really trying.
If loving unconditionally means long-term suffering like this, then I no longer choose to love like that ever. I am really swearing off this thing called love. It’s just for my girls and the cats, that’s it. God, I can’t take this anymore.
My neighbor and my household have been sheltering street cats in our compound. One ginger mommy cats gave birth to four kittens but only three survived (or one is still missing/hiding). They are for adoption and then the mommy cat would be spayed as soon as I can get her into a cat carrier and have her scheduled at PAWS.
I’ve posted on my social media accounts and sent private messages to friends and relatives just in case they may be interested. So far no takers yet. Poor kitties! They need a home/homes. I could no longer take them because my masungit cats are territorial and I no longer have space for one more kitty litter.
I was already doing fine and life is placid then this came out of nowhere via Grab. Life throws me curve balls.
Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I think this was the view of Laguna Lake on top of Mt. Tagapo in Talim Island. The canvas I bought J with the acrylic paints in preparation for the first lockdown.
I don’t know why he had to do this after a year when I’m already doing much better and working towards healing. Guilt? I dunno. All I can say is I got triggered and had a panic attack.
Grab tracker says it’s from Muntinlupa and the delivery guy says it’s from Nicole or whatever name. I always knew he had a girlfriend even before we broke up. That’s why he was so defensive. A woman just knows; I was just clouded at that time but I always knew–that’s why I fought hard to win him back. I suspected it was D since its just so happened it was her name that always that cropped up but deep down I knew it must be somebody else since he’s attracted to shiny people/things, like that girl from that co-working space that he pirated. He was impressed by/attracted to her because she’s shiny even though I knew she was wrong for the job but he still insisted. I was so tired of trying to be shiny to measure up to his expectations. I will never measure up. But it doesn’t matter anymore. Deep down I knew that right after we broke up, he already had somebody else in that condo, as I mentioned here several times before. That person was the reason why. He could have just told me when I asked was there somebody else even though I already knew the answer but I was just in denial. He didn’t have the decency to tell me so I had to suffer the whys. To the point I had to go into therapy.
Whatever his reasons for sending this painting, it doesn’t matter anymore.
I am closing this chapter. I’m so tired of the deceit and lies. I’M JUST SO FREAKING TIRED.
I could never measure up and will never be enough.
I’m just me. Simple. Earthy. I live by my wits. I don’t have the body, I don’t have money, and I only just have my brains to live on. I live by my hands, I want to create things, I’m not glamorous and will never be.
