It’s now turned into this. Forlorn. Stripped of my spirit.

I’m not yet done emptying my drawers and dismantling my laundry area. I’m so exhaustee. Must wake up very early tomorrow to finish everything.

My friend, M, asked me when we had our drinks last Friday if I’m sad. He was more sad for me at that time. I said not yet because I was in the thick of taking down stuff. He said, “but it has been your home for the last five years, imagine that. It was yours.”

Now it has sunk in. This is like the first true home I had because the ones I lived in before weren’t mine in the sense I wasn’t allowed to personalize them. I couldn’t put my stamp on them. Plus I wasn’t comfortable in those houses at all. They weren’t home, I didn’t feel rested and protected. I didn’t feel nostalgic about them. This apartment is different; it felt like a cocoon for me.

Fare thee well.

We’re slowly erasing evidence of our existence in this apartment. Taking apart the things I have put together carefully throughout the five years we lived here.

I had kept the artworks up at the last minute because the moment I take them down automatically depersonalizes the space. Now it looks so barren, devoid of feeling that there was a family that once lived and loved in this place from 2018-2023. Members have come and gone one by one and now only four are left to strip away memories embedded in this home.

I woke up this morning at around 6 am, with my fairy lights, which I had coiled to prevent breakage, still lit. It gave me a bit of comfort, still a sign that this is my home, well, at least until Tue morning.

Twin I saw these lacy things and she said, “these are too sheer! It’s not even good for sleeping in. Are these sleepwear?”

Of course I didn’t answer her and proceeded to chuck these inside a plastic bag. I WILL BURN THESE when I get to our new house. Evidence of my being a human appliance and a sex slave to a man who didn’t even regard me as something more than that.

I need to pack my piano and the stuff in my drawers. And of course my work station.

Met with friends at Uno Cinquenta again, maybe for the last time, for drinks at Uva. From past 7 pm until 11:30 we were just gossiping and laughing our socks off. We reporters love our grapevine and trade stories. Lots of stories.

Craft beer + Sangria = I’m sleepy.

I should be doing a bit of work now because I’m on leave next week, but I’m just so dead. I can’t. 🫠

I need to sleep.

I was so exhausted yesterday because I was chasing people to interview, requesting for coffee meetings for next month with people in Bangkok, while editing and dealing with editor/manager headaches. One of my reporters was being asked by the interviewee to take down a story. It was a bit stressful because we had to trace if the reporter followed protocols, checked his notes whether it jived with what he wrote in the story, and had to look for evidence of what the interviewee claimed he said and did not say.

Getting shit done at work and packing my whole house is draining me. I just want to curl up and read or watch videos or movies on my tablet.

But no, the clock is ticking. Must pack.

We had taken down and washed the curtains. Now the apartment looks bare and sad. My world is topsy turvy right now. We don’t have much food here as we are trying to consume everything in my cupboards and fridge.

I will be packing my clothes and paintings later after I fetch the girls at UP Town Center where they are hanging out with their friends for the last time.

Sounds sad, isn’t it? Like we are now putting a period in this chapter.

I attended my first face-to-face annual general meeting for the year today. What’s funny is that Covid is very much of a concern now as it was a year ago that the company had to swab everybody.

The venue was not far from my apartment so I was able to arrive at my gate early…BUT NOT actually. I saw my old kei car parked outside. It was the girls’ dad, he was picking up the red couch, the book case, and a side table that originally belonged to the old house. I went past our gate, parked my big car and waited across Robinsons Express. However, it was taking him so long (I kept asking the girls if I could come home) that I decided to go instead to the Uratex Marikina showroom, which is not far from SM Marikina.

And I got to try the mattresses to determine which firmness would be best for the girls.

I swear by the longevity of Uratex. My parents’ 6-inch foam mattress was still functional after 30 years but I had to throw it out because it was just sooooo old. My big grey couch made of Uratex foam is very much usable but I had to give it to Ate C because 1) it was too big for my house; 2) the cost of reupholstering it is the same as the cost of buying a new love seat from Ikea.

While waiting for the cashier to process my purchase, I checked out other home items from the showroom.

Good thing that I don’t have room in my new house for more stuff. This keeps me from buying more crap. You know, when you have a new place of your own (as in, your OWN), you tend to get high and the tendency is you will buy crap you don’t need.

After I finally got back home, I was answering chats and emails on my phone non-stop. I didn’t have enough time to lounge on my bed and I had to go back to my workstation and continue with the barrage of messages. And oh yeah, editing.

I wasn’t able to continue with the packing today. Sigh.

I am overwhelmed with the things I must accomplish this week and I am just chipping away at the surface. Which causes me to freeze and just end up curled in my bed watching cat videos on Instagram. I have so many things to pack and dismantle. My workstation is one of those that I dread dismantling because it’s just complicated. Too many wires and I must remember which goes where.

I have to attend a stockholders meeting of an F&B company tomorrow so I really can’t pack up my decent clothes yet. And I have to dismantle my bed so I can have the joints welded to lessen the creaking. I only had one side of it welded and I completely forgot to have the other side done. Now I am running out of time to do that other half.

I am running out of time for everything.

I’m meeting friends on Fri for a last drink here in the wine bar/craft beer place near my apartment. They were surprised that it’s already time for me to leave Quezon City. “It’s that soon?! Time flies by so fast!” We were just talking about this move in theory a year ago and now it has become a reality.

I’m also worrying about how I will transport my cats without them freaking out so much. The farthest they’ve been away from the house was when I brought them to PAWS to have them spayed. That was just a 30-minute car ride. On Tuesday it will be at least 2 hours (because we’re leaving at 9 am so traffic may be heavy) and I hope they won’t get traumatized by this. A vet high school classmate of mine told me to buy Feliway (pheromones) spray online to calm them down. The problem was I was too preoccupied with my prep for my Singapore trip and conferences a few weeks ago and I was so busy while I was there so I totally forgot to place my order. Local orders of Feliway need 10 days lead time because it’s on a pre-order basis. If I buy from overseas vendors, the items would arrive by 18 May, which is too late.

So I will just grin and bear my cats hisses and growling and hope that they won’t try to escape.

My classmate-vet told me to cover the cat carrier with towels to lessen stimulation from the outside environment. That’s one of the reasons why my cats freak out when I bring them to the vet—they get stimulated too much with the strange environment and the smells. My cats have become too sheltered that they simply refuse to explore the world outside, which is good in a way because we live right along a busy street and it will totally break me if they get run over by cars.

I’ve got too many things on my mind (work is also killing me) that I simply do not have enough headspace for other things. Blogging about this somehow helps me calm down as I am able to write down the things I must do in a logical manner. Without writing them down, all the things that I must do get jumbled in my head and leave me overwhelmed, causing me high levels of anxiety, which leads me to freeze.

My housemaid can only do so much since she’s pregnant but she’s trying to be useful. My kids packed their stuff but I really can’t rely on them much on other things like timing the defrosting of the fridge, disconnecting my gas stove from the LPG tank and making sure there are no leaks. Figuring out a way how to transport my plants.

Because I am a solo parent. I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. By myself. I have no one else to turn to for help. It’s overwhelming.

Slipcover. Because. I. have. cats. They destroy couches. Enough said.

I wasn’t productive today at work because I was too busy putting things in their proper places in my house.

And I assembled this side table. I should have bought another one because when you can’t have a coffee table, side tables are needed so your guests can put their drinks somewhere nearby.

Underneath this side table will be one of the covered cat litter boxes I just bought again from Lazada. A desk fan will stay on top of this table. Because I don’t have floor space for a stand fan.

All my books fit on my floating shelves. Didn’t realize that the shelves were very deep. It accommodated all the books in my book case here in the apartment plus the ones in my room. And I’ve got more room to spare.

Yes, those are flower vases that I just put temporarily there. I have fake flowers that I just washed that I will bring over this Thursday or next week.

However, I need to rethink that plan. I. Have. Cats.

I tried rearranging the TV area but it makes the entire area smaller.

We didn’t get to use these much in the apartment because it’s too cumbersome to get them out of the boxes under the dingy cabinet under the counter.

I have a small house but I have a lot of storage. It would encourage me to buy more stuff 🤦🏻‍♀️

The girls’ custom-made loftbeds were finally assembled today as well.

They have enough space for drawers and a narrow closet for hanging clothes.

I’m so tired. After doing all these, I drove back to QC and arrived home at 9:47 pm. 🫠 It was too hot today to be doing anything.