Just a quick post about how lovely it is to be in this moment. This is what home is all about. Cooking smells wafting through the air with Beatles for background music, and the sound of the tropical forest chiming in. I cooked with my front door open, because why not? My kids went to church with their cousins and auntie and they will be watching a movie in the city further southeast.

I can smell the rain coming. I will open my windows all the way up to feel the fresh breeze passing through.

Today I won’t be able to do my campus walk since bff is coming over. Let’s see tomorrow will be conducive for it.

I have so many thoughts running through my head right now. Let me process it later.

You know you’re in good company when you don’t take photos of yourselves being together. Because there is no need to prove anything. That’s how it is with my good friends from way back elementary or high school.

So my best friend and I started talking from merienda until dinner. We were just in the moment and planning trips together, either to the upcoming Big Bad Wolf to gallivanting abroad (last time we did this was in Kyoto in 2009). I said we need something to occupy ourselves now that my house building is almost done while her fervor for hopping from one concert to another, here and abroad, is waning. Because of that, she got tempted to start using Bumble to meet guys and the last one who claimed to be from my industry was a very bad experience. Really bad. As in scammer, gas-lighting bad.

My bff has a problem with saying no and always gives so much.

She was advised by other friends to stop using dating apps and I said the same since she and I are magnets for the wrong people because we’re gullible. We both have self-esteem issues as we are both products of dysfunctional marriages (the weird thing is our dads were classmates in college). The thing that has kept me safe so far is that 1) I was religious with my therapy and I researched a lot about my disposition that instilled self-awareness in me (blogging helps); 2) I am devoting time to learn how to love myself and heal and learned not to berate myself for taking a long time; and 3) I now live with the mantra “If he wants, he will.” I can’t live a life anymore where it’s always me who is walking to bridge the last mile between us; always me who is bending backwards. Be it chatting through different time zones or reaching out to say, “Hey I learned you’re in town. What’s up?” to giving moral and emotional support. It’s exhausting to always be the giver.

I told her that I’m trying to accept that I may be like this for a very long time because I can’t go into another relationship still angry and I still carry with me the toxicity of the previous relationship. It doesn’t matter if it is already 2.5 years and it could be another 2.5 years before I can forgive and forget. If I’m not healed properly, I will just be in for another heartbreak because I will be ignoring the red flags just to escape singlehood.

But then, what’s wrong with being single? Just thinking about living with someone again is already exhausting.

Do I miss it, being in a relationship? I really don’t know, honestly. That’s why I’m not actively looking. I could have flirted a dozen times as I meet a lot of people with my job but there’s no desire to do so. I could have put out a signboard on me that says “single, ready to mingle” but I don’t. Maybe it’s a testament that I’m not yet healed and all I think about is that it’s exhausting–be it dating or being in a relationship.

But when I’m idle, with no big project to occupy me, that’s when loneliness will strike and all of a sudden everything is a green flag 🤦🏻‍♀️ This is why I told BFF that we need to be busy. If we need to travel, then so be it. If we are to chase all the concerts she wants to watch, then by all means I will tag along. I just can’t be idle again.

It’s not completely a leisurely day for me but this is the first weekend that I can afford to go slow and do less. Thanks to my cleaning lady who comes every Saturday, the tedious chore of laundering clothes and folding them is off my shoulders. The mopping and polishing of my floor is also off my list of things I must do.

So I booked a massage for 1 hr and 40 mins plus a pedicure session. Wohoo it has been a month since I did this for myself.

I shopped for meat and veggies after pampering myself, just to try this Fresh Options meat shop and to check out other veggie stores. Now that my fridge is filled, I invited my nephews and SIL to dinner. I needed to use the rice in my fridge so I made them kimchi fried rice. I was satisfied with what I made 🍚. I emptied my freezer of viands I had cooked yesterday and fed my extended brood.

I am still feeling my way, trying to settle into some kind of rhythm to make ourselves more at home. We’re still in a limbo—well I’m still in a limbo. This is my own home and yet I’m still not at home, if you know what I mean. I’m still finding my footing.

Once I am done with my errands here and fixing/putting away stuff from our move, I will try to start my exercises i.e. brisk walking. When the university pool opens, I will swim probably once a week then make it three times a week. Good thing I already had applied for my alumni card.

Tomorrow I will cook dinner for my best friend, a housewarming of sorts. She requested for either chicken rice or bak kut teh. Well, I can make both.

So I had my meeting this morning at the so-called Sinigang Valley, which is just a strip in Poblacion, Makati and spitting distance from Rockwell Center. The execs that Kr and I chatted with told us that their area is dotted with tech startups and VCs like them. Their office looked like a neat townhouse that sits in the middle of a residential area in Poblacion but is actually an office. I liked it and told them so. I said it’s better than occupying a co-working space in BGC or along Ayala Ave and cost-effective, too. The ground floor is the reception area, which is like a hip reception area of a resort with an open-concept conference room. The top floors are the staff and exec offices. They have a small garden with outdoor sitting area, conducive for meetings.

Poblacion is really the old downtown of Makati (hence the name) that’s why the streets are old and narrow, the lot and house sizes are small. It became notorious in the past decades as it became the red light district (along Burgos St) where dirty old men (local and foreign) from the CBD area flock for some unholy entertainment, which included mud wrestling of women in teeny-weeny bikinis.

The area is now gentrifying as real estate prices continue to climb. A prime spot like that shouldn’t go to waste just because of the presence of seedy establishments. A lot of watering holes have sprouted in the area, and along came the hoteliers. The area where Century Mall and the Century Property condos stand now used to be the campus of International School Manila and I still remember playing a friendly football game there with their girls’ team in the mid-1990s.

Since the Poblacion is very near Ayala—the general CBD area of Makati—it was a good spot for startups and VCs to locate without breaking the bank. There are also decent places to eat that aren’t as expensive as those in BGC. That’s why you have Sinigang Valley there—friendly on the pockets.

Anyway, we finished our meeting at 11 am, had a leisurely lunch at Powerplant with Kr, and I decided that it’s better to drive home early and not be stuck with Friday traffic madness.

By 2:30 I’m back at my hometown. Then I realized I should have my oil change today because I don’t think I would have the time nor motivation to do it next week.

It was quick and I managed to buy new oil and fuel filters next door, which made my life easier.

During the time I was at Powerplant, my sis-in-law told me they were at my house and Kimchi bit my bro. It was my bro’s fault, SIL said, because he was irritating Kimchi.

Of all the strangers that Kimchi had met, it’s only my bro whom she allowed to pet her. For some weird reason, she thought he was familiar. That was the case when they first visited the apartment in QC. Kimchi didn’t run away from bro; she even went near him and smelled him. She probably thought he was J.

Animals do remember. It’s kinda sad though.

I super miss Zennya massage 😭

Now I have to physically go to the spa and schedule according to available time slots, which is tomorrow afternoon. 😭 In the meantime, I have to content myself by having a robot massage my back. 😭😭😭😭😭

I drove my sister to Sta. Rosa yesterday as she bought an Ogawa leg and knee massager, which was on promo. If you buy that, you get a mobile back massager for free. Anyway, for some strange reason she couldn’t drive the Vios, which was her old car before she bought a Corolla Altis. The reason why we needed to bring the Vios is that she had to have another automatic toll collector RFID installed in the car and only the owners can have a car installed with the RFID strip, she was told.

So I was a driver for the day. In between I was picking up and editing stories. I agreed to do the driving because I needed to go to the nearest Converge office to permanently disconnect my Quezon City line. If I didn’t do it today, I will billed for another month starting 1 June.

Then we went to Wilcon Depot because sister said we need to canvass for a power generator, in case shit happens during a very strong typhoon that cuts off water and electricity. We just had the water reservoir and water pressure pump and pressure tank installed so my water supply and pressure have become decent two days ago. When power is cut off, goodbye water.

When we got home, we suddenly craved for ramyun and I no longer have it at home. Twin I and I went to look for a Korean grocery store to buy our supply of ramyun, tteokbokki, seaweed, and ice cream.

For today, I need to look for a reliable shop, preferably Shell, for oil changes. Shell has my service records and it is centralized so it doesn’t matter if I had my car serviced in QC or here.

The other day I saw a Motech service center so that solves my underchassis maintenance needs.

It’s like I am starting life in a new environment even though I have lived here for half of my life. I needed to search for suppliers of goods and services because things have changed in the last 20 years since I left to live in Metro Manila. My reliable mechanic has died several years ago so I am at a loss and I don’t know where I should bring my car for maintenance and repair.

Last night’s claypot ramyun.

And for lunch I grilled liempo using my casette griller on top of my stove. I just had to put my range hood at the highest setting to absorb all the smoke. I still can’t grill outside because of the construction work.

And my fascination with rain has come back. It’s no longer a nuisance to me because I no longer live in the city. I have loved watching the rain while I was growing up. It inspires so many creative thoughts within me; it was a perfect time to write or read books while curled up in bed.

This is the view from my window this afternoon.

After editing xxx number of stories, re-writing one story, finalizing the hiring of one freelancer, I sat on my front steps this afternoon to savor the breeze outside MY house. It hasn’t sunk yet that I own this house. Construction isn’t finished yet (they’re still spray-painting my stair handles and building my laundry area) but I’m here, living in it. It may be small but it’s mine and I can do whatever the hell I want with it.

The view is still messy but I own that view. This moment is a reward for all the shit I’ve been through.

My eyes are watering right now…they’re tears of joy and appreciation. I was already crushed to death but here I am, able to rise from the dead by myself.

I couldn’t have done this without the support of my family, especially my mother. They also put up with almost 10 months of construction craziness.

And to God. It wouldn’t have been possible without Him. I would have been a depressed alcoholic wreck if not for Him.❤️

It’s raining like crazy now outside. I no longer have to feel anxious about a leaking roof or flooding. I would just have to make sure that my screens are tight so that bugs wouldn’t get in.

Do I have to go through hell to be able to do this for me? Probably. Because if I still had a partner, I would have prioritized him and his goals and not mine. I would have made sure that he is happy first before I become happy. This is the first time I had loved myself and the first time someone gave me this kind of gift. No one could have given me this but myself. Because apparently, no one would be able to love me as I had loved my partner. 🤷🏻‍♀️ This is not a pity party; I’m just stating a fact.

So lesson learned: invest in myself.

It has been a long time since I’ve been to Powerplant at Rockwell Center. It only took me 1 hr and 25 mins to get here from my new home—which is not bad given that it was a Monday morning at rush hour.

I woke up really late, like 7 am when I needed to leave at 7:30 but I drove off already at past 8 am. I wasn’t able to cook for the girls so I left cash so they can eat out for lunch. I stopped at a gas station for more coffee on-the-go and gas, but I still arrived before the AGM started. My drive was surprisingly smooth, except for the fact that I was still familiarizing myself with the Vios so I had the engine die on me twice in the middle of a traffic jam because I didn’t floor the clutch pedal hard enough. It has been years since I drove that thing. And yep, none of my siblings drive an automatic transmission because we’re badass like that. When you always have to contend with floods and natural or man-made disasters regularly, you better have a stick-shift so that you can have your car fixed even in the middle of nowhere. I’m a veteran of Ondoy—that crazy tropical cyclone that submerged Metro Manila for weeks. A lot of AT cars were toast at that time but many MTs were fine, including my kei car, which I had used to plow through high water.

Anyway, I had lunch with fellow journos at Grace Park at One Rockwell after the AGM and we all worked at Starbucks at Powerplant after that. It seems like nothing has changed in my work routine except that I now need to pay for toll on expressways. And I have to do this again on Friday because our Manila reporter and I are meeting execs from a firm who we met in Singapore last month.

By chance, we met that friend who lives in Acqua (a condo very near Rockwell) who happened to be buying coffee where we were working. We went, “heeeyyyyy you from across the river!” We gossiped for a bit and laughed our butts off talking about her horrible ex-manager from a long time ago. She didn’t stay long, knowing we are trying to beat deadlines.

It’s nice to be part of civilization when I need to, but also nice to retire to a peaceful home environment in the province. It also took me 1 hr and 30 mins to get back home, even during rush hour (5:30 pm).