I had to do a huge reset as I was doing things wrongly, doing things for the wrong reasons. Still trying to wrap my head around the reasons. It made me focus on the wrong things, hence, I’m heading into the wrong path.
I have to go through this reset. It’s bumpy, it’s painful, but it’s necessary.
What’s the point of all these? What’s it for?
I woke up to find the sun shining all around me
how could it shine down on me?
sun shining all it’s beauty
why would it shine down on me?
you’d think that it would notice
I can’t take it anymore
just had to ask myself
“what’s it really for?”
Yes, I sang and played the piano for three hours this evening. Because you know, sometimes the heart just wants to cry in another way.
Do I miss singing in public? Not so much because I remember always having laryngitis or toncilitis when I was still in a band. I quit the band because I was getting sicker and sicker. Well, I wasn’t living an exemplary life then anyway. 😅
But every now and then I find myself wanting to play the piano and sing in some bar. I remember being invited to sing on stage when friends have gigs. I remember being in Conspiracy and singing Walang Hanggang Paalam when Joey Ayala was playing. I don’t know where in the world did I get that hubris to do that but I must have been drunk. 🤦🏻♀️
These days I just sing to myself and it’s the best feeling when you realize you still got it.
I was too lazy to cook today so we went out to eat bibimbap.
I was thinking of cooking something with dill today because my dill plant is growing well and might as well take advantage of it. I discovered this Polish recipe and made this for dinner. This is supposed to have 30g of dill but I didn’t put that much because I couldn’t kill my plant, can I? So I limited the dill content.
I must say it was good, it was like a warm hug at the end of a rough day. I will make this again with more potatoes and nutmeg.
Didn’t do anything much today so my kids and I went out to eat at a bakery and have their macha fix late afternoon.
Then we just walked all the way to the salon because I need to achieve 4000+ steps today.
I could have saved money and done this by myself but you know, I need to pamper myself every now and then.
Back at home, I forced myself to be productive this weekend by finally installing the peg board on each daughter’s wall.
I bought this cordless drill for 50% off at Handyman. I know it’s a frivolous purchase given that I already have a Bosch wired drill. However, I find that using that drill, powerful as it is, cumbersome for light jobs like this. That’s the reason why it took me forever to install the plastic bag holder on the wall; it was too much work using that drill.
Because I dreaded using that drill, I resorted to attaching this plastic bag container using Command Strips. Nope, not strong enough to hold it on the wall. After destroying my freshly painted walls with super glue, which was still wasn’t enough, I gave up and drilled holes on my wall.
It’s also difficult to use that tool in tight spots, like when I had to redo the curtain rod brackets beside Twin I’s bed on the loft.
Fuck other people. I’m doing things to please myself. I don’t think I can go back to being a slave.
Beautiful Scars
Broken all the pieces I’ve been shaping lately
Focused on the things that didn’t make no sense
Guess that growing up was never meant to be easy
Yeah, I got used to doing everything sideways
Didn’t really care about how everyone felt
Hiding my emotions down in different ashtrays
Oh, but what is lost ain’t gone
No, you can’t just let go
‘Cause it’s a part of you that will make you strong
Embrace your flaws
I’m not gonna fight back what I’ve become
Yeah, I’ve got bruises where I came from
But I wouldn’t change if I could restart
I ain’t gonna hide these beautiful scars
I’ve been going way too hard on myself
Guess that it’s the reason that I’m feeling like hell
But I wouldn’t change if I could restart
I ain’t gonna hide these beautiful scars
I went down a road that only got me nowhere
I’ve seen every corner, every inch of this place
Being all alone it really got me thinking
Maybe overthinking
That what is lost ain’t gone
No, you can’t just let go
‘Cause it’s a part of you that will make you strong
Embrace your flaws
I’m not gonna fight back what I’ve become
Yeah, I’ve got bruises where I came from
But I wouldn’t change if I could restart
I ain’t gonna hide these beautiful scars
I’ve been going way too hard on myself
Guess that it’s the reason that I’m feeling like hell
But I wouldn’t change if I could restart
I ain’t gonna hide these beautiful scars
Hide these beautiful scars
Hide these beautiful scars
I’m not gonna fight back what I’ve become
Yeah, I’ve got bruises where I came from
But I wouldn’t change if I could restart
I ain’t gonna hide these beautiful scars
I’ve been going way too hard on myself
Guess that it’s the reason that I’m feeling like hell
But I wouldn’t change if I could restart
I ain’t gonna hide these beautiful scars
Hide these
I ain’t gonna hide these
Hide these
Hide these beautiful scars
No
Why are you still hurting?
I didn’t intend to. It’s just when you loved so much that you didn’t leave anything for yourself, it will take quite a while to find the missing pieces, build yourself up again, and heal.
You want to heal the right way.
Would you have done the same thing if you can restart?
No. I should have had self-love and self-respect for myself.
But I will not hide my scars. It’s part of who I am.
Do they still hurt? Yes, because there are still broken tissues that’s why I still get bruised. But I have to understand that there are no magic potions that can make it go away.
Would you go through it again, love like that?
I don’t think so. I don’t think I can love like that anymore. I’ve exhausted everything that I could give. I’ve emptied myself. Whatever I have will be for me and my girls.
You really need to go on Bumble and Tinder.
No, fairy gaymother, K, that’s not the best way to heal. We’re different. I’m not looking for another. Yes, I get lonely but that’s not the best way to go about it. There should be some kind of acceptance from me first, that I may always be like this. The acceptance is not there yet, I think.
So you see, you need to date.
But not randomly! OMG, why do we have to go through this again? I’m fine. Sometimes I’m not but that’s life. You can’t be all unicorns and rainbows all the time.
Being cooped up in my small room for days on end really does something to my psyche and productivity. I keep on working there because I’m spoiled by the dual monitors and I find it hard to edit stories without them. But once I got out of my room and transferred here, I was able to write a short article for 30 minutes. Wow!
I should try to write in the grassy field in the campus one of these days—if the weather permits.
I figured that I need to get out everyday to drive away the cobwebs in my head. This week I produced four stories, which is unusual, given my normal workload. I think the difference now is that I have the ability to be out in nature within minutes compared to when we were still in QC—which helps during productivity slumps.
I just realized that my existence in QC was poor given that I had no choice but to be locked up in that apartment because the environment outside was hostile. Cars, in utile sidewalks—if there are—and the unbearable heat makes one think twice about going out. It’s the perfect stage for one to be clinically depressed when she is dealing with post-breakup trauma while on a lockdown because access to nature was difficult. I tried my best though. I had my bike and my car so I can go to UP Diliman but it’s too much of an effort.
Meanwhile here, I have no excuse not to go out because it’s just right at my doorstep. Literally. And also going out into the wide open spaces only takes me five minutes or less, depending on my stride. Going to church only takes 10 minutes on foot. Same for the mom-and-pop shops. Starbucks is also 10 mins on foot.
Speaking of bikes, I should have our bikes fixed so we can bike for errands instead of bringing that car when parking is a huge problem here. Everyone has huge-ass SUVs but this old town is like Europe, the roads are made for calesas (horse-drawn carriages) and the local government can no longer widen the municipal roads because of the generations of families that have built structures along the roads. Moreover, there are no parking areas near commercial establishments. That’s why in high school, some classmates drove scooters instead of cars when going to school.
As for exercise, I can no longer take up running (I think I have forever busted my left knee, from an old football injury 23-25 years ago). I think that leaves me swimming as good cardio workout. I just learned from my sister that the university pool is open to alumni who want to use it everyday. I can add swimming to my weekly exercise regimen, if I find the time.
I must bring my cats for exercise. Right now they’re like this:
I hope to wake up early tomorrow morning and see if I can swim at the university pool.
This is what the CEOs had been warning us about the past few months—2Q23 GDP was the slowest in 12 years due to inflation and rising interest rates that dampened consumer spending. The Philippine economy is 70% dependent on domestic spending and if that is hurting, the whole economy is running into trouble. One company chairman told me any strategic moves would have to be suspended because consumer companies are slapped with lower household spending, even on food. Monde Nissin, which has cornered 98% of the instant noodle market in the Philippines, took a big hit as its net income dipped 18% YoY. And to think Lucky Me is the de facto staple outside of rice in this country. This meant that Filipinos have tightened their belts even on staples. We ate less. Everything else followed.
The coming quarters would be difficult for us if the government would not be able to address the structural reforms needed to bring down the cost of food and other goods. Monetary policy can only do so much. Petroleum products are rising again and diesel has climbed by PHP 4 a liter just this week. Last week was PHP 3.50 per liter. As a net importer of oil, this meant that our transportation—the jeepneys and buses—would have to hike fares again while our electricity costs would again climb.
The economy is taking a lot of beating. I wonder how the rest of the country can hold on.
Whatever I’m doing to keep me going today, it is working and I hope it will continue until I get a long break. My leave is not yet scheduled until October. Sigh.
So I was able to write a difficult story today—difficult because it was very nose-bleed kind of technical topic and it doesn’t help that the CEO is a computer nerd who couldn’t bring it down to layman level. At least I’m done with it and all I need is my trainee to agree to a schedule so I can train him how to upload the two stories on our CMS.
I have three more stories to write and publish and I think I can be done for the month. I need to plow through the long-form pieces–about three of them.
Because I had submitted the story quite late, I missed the opportunity to walk the cat. Well, she didn’t want to walk anyway.
So what to do? Allow them to roam around the yard unsupervised? I need to buy a GPS tracker if that’s the case.
Until I can force them to wear this collar with tracker, they would always have to be watched over when they want to go outside of the house.
I love Imogen Heap.
I have a long list of her songs on my Sony Walkman mp3 and they had saved me during different seasons of my life. I discovered her through this song Missing about 20 years ago. This song has also accompanied me through the depths of my grief, during my depressive episodes two years ago. I still couldn’t play it on the piano. It’s too raw.
Oh, Ive been longing for this as long as I can remember
For something like this to go my way
And it always felt so right
And then you take it all away
(Missing you) Tell me how will I fall in love like that again
When I’m still singing (missing you) through tears in the pouring rain
I’m still dreaming (missing you) about those nights of ours together
See I thought I’d found a love I’d have forever
Now I’m hiding myself behind this shattered veil
And I know it’s only me to blame
And I’m swimming through this ocean of grief
And I’m sailing up your way
(Missing you) Tell me how will I fall in love like that again
When I’m still singing (missing you) through tears in the pouring rain
I’m still dreaming (missing you) about those nights of ours together
See I thought I’d found a love I’d have forever
(Missing you, missing you, missing you) x3
And everything in this house is something of you
I can’t escape even though I try
Photographs of memories
I never knew I had so many tears to cry
And I…yeah, die (die, die, die)
I never knew I had so many tears to cry
(Missing you) Tell me how will I fall in love like that again
When I’m still singing (missing you) through tears in the pouring rain
I’m still dreaming (missing you) about those nights of ours together
You see I thought I’d found a love I’d have forever
She may not be that mainstream but other artists have covered her, like Boys Like Girls. This song, Let Go, has taught me that “there’s a beauty in a breakdown…” It totally captured the last moments of a person trying to keep it together before letting go.
Then there’s collaboration with other artists like Blue October. This is one damn emotional song. In this concert, of course, Imogen Heap wasn’t here but I think her pre-recorded voice has been used for this one.
It was Imogen Heap who introduced me to the Vocoder and harmonizer, to make voice loops, which she used to record and perform Hide and Seek, a song she was known for. This song has been covered and sampled by many artists. And this performance of Hide and Seek on NPR Music Tiny Desk Concert is out of this world and she upped the ante by using Mi.Mu Gloves to mix and loop her voice. What she did here is something like you would hear on Lothlorien with Galadriel walking among the enchanted trees.
She is her own sound engineer! She made these gloves. Programmed it down to the most minute movement.
The problem is her musical genius is not recognized enough. People only get to know her when other artists cover her like Ariana Grande (Goodnight and Go; Hide and Seek), who happens to be a fan as well.
Her First Train Home is epic, it did sound like a locomotive singing, it’s like being on a train ride.
She needs to be known for her own musicality, her artistry.