Twin I and I were watching concerts on my computer this evening and I realized 30 years have passed by in a flash. All the concerts and music videos we’ve been watching were bands/musicians that I have listened to for more than two decades. They say that when you do Youtube/Google search, you do not search for music but rather you search for memories. It’s true…when I hear those songs—be it songs by Gin Blossoms, Korn, or Lacuna Coil—memories come flooding back.

It’s astonishing as well to see how these musicians have aged so much, like Ed Roland of Collective Soul. It seems like the pandemic has advanced the ageing process for many of the people whose performances I have watched over the years. Ummm, well it seems like Billy Corgan of Smashing Pumpkins didn’t age that drastically but James Iha had become that “uncle”.

I have passed down my love for music to my kids and I had always been supportive of their endeavors in this area. I helped Twin I buy her an acoustic guitar on New Year’s Eve 2022. She couldn’t play it well at that time because the guitar was for right-handed players and she’s left-handed. I found a guitar shop here in our hometown and had the guitar shifted to make it left-handed. However, the strings that came with the guitar snapped and I was told to buy the thicker set online. I had been carrying that guitar at the back of my car to have it re-stringed but the I wasn’t able to because it’s either the shop was closed or I was too busy. Then I had the drinks (right before I got hospitalized) with some high school classmates, one of whom was our drummer (R) back in high school, at the time we were covering Cranberries. R talked about the concerts that we have missed in recent years and we touched on the topic of having the guitar at the back of my car re-stringed. He offered to string it for Twin I. ❤️❤️❤️

So here we are, Twin I playing Nutshell by Alice in Chains.

She has become better in short three weeks.

Meanwhile, I have become a fan of this insane drummer called II from Sleep Token. He’s so in the pocket and I love how he mixes the electronic kit that he has with the traditional one, plus the pock-marked cymbals. Drumeo helped break down his creative process and showed how he played some of their songs.

I used to sing this in our gigs 23 years ago, with the heavier version by Goldfinger. I tried singing the original lyrics but my German is terrible so we decided to stick to the English lyrics. It’s an anti-war song, which was a perfect match to U2’s Sunday, Bloody Sunday that we also covered.

I had been educating my kids about the beauty of the music of my generation—at least they know who Rage Against The Machine and White Stripes are. I just introduced Twin I to this song today and told her this was part of my repertoire decades ago.

We’re housebound since yesterday as it has been stormy and dark. We can’t go to Lake Yambo if it’s muddy and slippery. Our barge may capsize if we try to board it in this weather. I’m not sure how it is in the city—it’s probably wet and dreary—but here in the province it has been cold, wet, and stormy. Perfect time to curl up in bed with a book, which I had been doing since yesterday. There’s an occasional anxiety-triggering email from my manager but I decided to ignore it for now so it won’t destroy my holiday.

This short movie by Disney, which is distinctly Filipino, especially with the word lola indicated there, has tugged at my heart strings.

Christmas without parol (Christmas star lantern) is a bit sad. We Filipinos can do away with the tree because it hasn’t really been in our tradition (American) but the parol has been with us since the Spaniards introduced Christmas to us by way of Catholicism.

I have always been insistent about hanging parols wherever I lived to remind me of Christmases here in my home province and in Batangas, where we spent Christmas holidays when I was growing up. Those Christmases in Batangas were more traditional in the sense we went to the the midnight mass before noche buena, with hot chocolate made from tablea waiting for us in my lolo and lola‘s home. The next day, Christmas day, we would be visiting paternal and maternal relatives, with countless hands of our elders put on our foreheads (the distinctly Filipino mano po). After our grandparents passed, we spent the holidays here, stuffing our faces with food that we seldom get to eat in Metro Manila, where three of us worked after college. I remember spending days re-reading the Lord of the Rings trilogy and other JRR Tolkien books that I had. Then watching the feel-good movies on HBO and Hallmark/Lifetime channels. Temperature drops to 20 or lower. I love reading during this time of the year.

I hope my girls will have fond memories of Christmas holidays, even though they have to split their holidays between my side of the family and their father’s side. I hope they’re not gonna resent me down the road for not having a traditional Christmas where the family is intact, just one unit.

I just booked our hotel for New Year’s celebration. Because we can’t light our own fireworks here in the university campus (prohibited) so we’ll just watch the fireworks in the city.

Later today I will try to drive with my kids to Lake Yambo. Why? I don’t know. Need to change scenery, maybe?

Yesterday afternoon I went to see bff to give her my Christmas gifts. I spent some time at the park infront of our college waiting for her, just to watch people…because I had been cooped up inside the house for almost the entire day.

I lack sleep. I woke up at 5 am because I forgot to put off my daily alarm. Now because of habit, I couldn’t go back to sleep anymore. 🤦🏻‍♀️

The other day, I had the conversation with fairy gaymother K about varied things. He touched on the topic of me finding a bf (again) but I told him (again and again) that I’m happy with what I have become now, where I am now. I don’t want a relationship because it exhausts me; I am just the one giving but I just get loose change of a love in return. “I like this freedom. No need to consider another person’s opinions, feelings, and input on things that are immaterial to him. No need to take care of another person other than my kids,” I said.

What I was telling him was that I initially planned to order a TRex costume from Lazada and roam around the campus wearing that on Christmas day because there are no people anyway so we can take pictures with me doing silly things. K asked why did I think of doing that (but he said it’s hilarious and he loved the idea). I said life is too short not to do funny things. We have to laugh and do silly things.

I haven’t ordered the TRex costume yet and Christmas is just 4 days away.

Anyway, I told K that I’m so relieved that I didn’t have a partner when Twin A was in critical condition for almost a month. I can’t imagine having to take care of Twin A and my hypothetical partner, whose needs I have to balance with that of my sick daughter and my other daughter who felt neglected.

K: But wouldn’t your problem be halved if you have a partner to shoulder half of your responsibility?

Me: Funnily enough, it didn’t think of it that way.

Yes, it’s funny but that’s the truth, I didn’t think that yeah, the partner could help ease my burden by providing emotional or logistical support. Maybe because I have never felt I had a partner in the truest sense. It’s always they get more of me, demand so much from me, and I end up giving so much that nothing is left of me. I felt like a melting candle, with the wick burnt nearly to the end.

They were with me just because they need something from me, not because they genuinely want to be with me, that because they love me.

Just thinking about it already exhausts me.

Come to think of it, it has been exactly three years ago last Monday since I became solo. I was such a wreck at that time, three years ago. I couldn’t think that I would be able to reach this stage, at that time everything was so dark, like there was no light at the end of the tunnel. I have come so far since then but I’m still healing. It takes time and I am not rushing myself. Because if ever I get into another relationship, I want to be truly healed and not bring my traumas into the new relationship. By then, I should have forgiven myself for allowing things to happen like that. That I should be nicer to myself and I shouldn’t blame myself because my only fault was that I loved too much.

One day.

Because my girls are bored.

Since going north is a suicide mission these days, I decided to go east and did a Laguna Lake Half-Loop.

Just to compare, this is the state of Metro Manila and nearby towns/cities south of the metro as of yesterday.

In contrast, here are the roads we have tackled today.

My mom joined the drive because she didn’t have anything to do since she just submitted an article for publication yesterday. A bored scientist is a danger unto society so better bring her with us or she might do something weird or exasperating.

We went to Paete, Laguna because…I don’t know. I wanted to show the girls that it was once a thriving artistic town where wood carving, taka (paper mâché) making, and painting had provided livelihood to almost the entire town.

Twin I asked why are the shops for wood carvings and paper maché so few. My mom told her, the paper maché industry shifted to China so the local industry died. The Chinese pirated master craftsmen from this area and now they have taken over the industry. We are now drowning in Chinese imports of paper maché crafts. I think the same happened with wood carvings. Now you can only buy on commission instead of buying mass-produced ones. You can ask them to make you a chess set with wood carved chess pieces, rebultos of saints, crucifixes, etc.

We dropped by an art gallery x cafe where I bought tablea (roasted ground cacao beans compacted in tablet form) to make champorado one of these days. I couldn’t take photos of the art works as it was prohibited.

Paete is also the hometown of artist Manuel Baldemor, that’s why there are art galleries in this small, sleepy town.

We proceeded to Pililla, Rizal, which was just an hour away. My mom and my girls have not been there. Twin A and I brought our sketchpads and watercolors in case we could draw there.

It’s a bit sad that the entire day was gloomy so my girls and my mom weren’t able to see a beautiful sunset as I had.

We had a very late lunch in a restaurant 6 mins away from the windfarm visitor’s center.

Twin I hankered for bulalo because she said it has been quite a while since I made it.

The drive back was only 2 hours, with a bit of traffic jam in the commercial area of Sta Cruz, Laguna. Save for that, the whole drive was smooth.

Life in the province is slower. Boring to some. But I would choose this lifestyle any day.

Meanwhile, people in Metro Manila…

I lost another friend two days ago. He died of liver cirrhosis. He was in his home province in Visayas. His sister told me that she fetched him in Manila because he was already in a really bad shape. He didn’t want to go to see a doctor, he just wanted to go home… to meet his end. We couldn’t visit him because his wake is in a city in eastern central Philippines. I didn’t know he was sick 😥 but I know he drinks regularly—which is one of the afflictions of old-school journalists like us. He was the one who referred me to the custom Marikina shoemakers and told me Blackwing Shoes was one of the best.

We haven’t seen each other since the pandemic even though we had been plotting to have those coffee dates or drinks with some of our journo friends along Manila Bay. Well, it’s my own fault since I haven’t been going out of my home office since the lockdowns. I’m sorry, friend, I haven’t reached out to you in a while.

Another colleague died from stroke yesterday…he was on his way to a coverage at the central bank when he had a stroke inside a taxi. He was declared clinically dead yesterday.

I had worked side by side with these two journos when I was covering public finance and banking. My community is mourning these two deaths since yesterday.

Their passing is already a warning sign—aside from my recent hospitalization—that I should better take care of myself. For my kids.

This is a sad Christmas.

Since the 1980s, I have always loved Cyndi Lauper. At one time in her life, she was dismissed as just a pop singer who cannot write songs. Naysayers were proven wrong with this song that has been covered by almost everyone. When she wrote this, Cyndi was in a relationship about to break, while her co-writer had just emerged from one. They said this song is NOT a happy song but it is a hopeful one.

“Struggling over the chorus on the phone with Hyman, Lauper suddenly felt a hand on her shoulder then started thinking of up and down, falling and catching, which made up the iconic chorus of “Time After Time.”

If you’re lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall, I will catch you, I’ll be waiting
Time after time
If you’re lost, you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall, I will catch you, I will be waiting
Time after time

“It just came out like that,” said Lauper. “I don’t know who’s hand went on my shoulder because I was alone, but whosoever hand that was, I think they had a hand in helping me write that chorus.”

Time After Time is about a love that stays after your partner has left.

This is another song by Cyndi Lauper that I have loved after True Colors. I remember sitting in our living room as a child in the 1980s spending afternoons listening to the radio. This song hits differently compared to the tunes being played during those times. It still hits different until now.

Her musicality and writing has developed over the years, which enabled her to write and compose songs for the hit Broadway musical “Kinky Boots” that won six Tony Awards, including best musical. During her acceptance speech during the Tony Awards, she said felt she was was an outsider in Broadway even though she has been a New Yorker through and through—but at that moment, she felt that she was finally accepted by the NY theater community (if I remember it correctly).

And I wrote this entry after singing for almost three hours to Youtube karaoke songs. This is nothing—I used to sing onstage for more than three hours years ago.