I found that I have more trouble making flowers via gouache compared to watercolors. I realized I could easily make this on wet on dry technique with watercolors but on gouache it has to be layers upon layers of alternating colors until you get the tone right.

Invest in more expensive brushes because they pick up color better. Most of my brushes now are the better kind but I still couldn’t bring myself to buy Escoda. Perhaps one of these days.

I would really love to have a studio like this.

Perhaps I would not be able to work on my day job if I have my own studio.

I was so exhausted yesterday that I didn’t do anything. Today I just slept the day away as the antihistamine I took knocked me out. My battle with pollens will be a lifetime one because I can’t do anything about the flowers and the trees around me and I am living here permanently. I promised Twin I we were supposed to drive to Caliraya today but I just couldn’t. I needed to sleep.

Let’s start painting.

I couldn’t even make a decent animé-inspired version of Hitachi Seaside Park. 😶

I should stick to small format gouache paintings for the meantime.

I was at Maginhawa until 12 am because EDSA was horrible, a friend messaged us. He was driving from Greenbelt in Makati to Quezon City. I told L that we can hang out at Bo’s Coffee until 12 midnight and supposedly traffic would be much better by that time.

Nope. SLEX is…😭

Got home at 2 am.

And our friend who was driving from Greenbelt to QC? He never made it to Maginhawa to see us.

I’d better sleep this off. But I had three 12 ml coffee cups today. ☕

I tried to push the envelope yesterday by attempting to paint another scene last night after producing that starry sea scape in the afternoon. Because I drained my creative juices to the hilt, I ended up with a less than desirable interpretation of my photo of a tree at Hitachi Seaside Park. I stopped and slept.

I said I will sleep and fix it today.

I used an old chipped ceramic plate as a mixing palette because plastic ones get stained and it’s hard to remove the paint that could contaminate my other colors. Since I told myself that I would be continuing this tonight, I didn’t bother cleaning up but it was sooooo wrong. I ended up working on my day job around this mess. And to think I was so busy today editing time-sensitive stories, one of which is a follow-up to our market-moving story two weeks ago. I was editing until 7 pm tonight…

In between edits, my seamstress arrived to make a final fitting for the sofa covers. I needed to have my covers custom made because 1) I want sturdy but comfortable fabrics that are resistant to my cats’ nasty claws; 2) they have to fit perfectly to my sofas for a more elegant look.

Yes call me boring but I had no choice in terms of color because the material that I wanted is not available in other colors. My priority is comfort and strength rather than aesthetics. Once I have more fabric options, I will have another set made for my two sofas. I need two sets because I can’t leave the sofa bare while I have the covers washed.

Meanwhile, I was doodling, practicing on making human figures while I was on a call.

Ok let’s see how my rehabilitation efforts on my disaster of a painting would look like…

Tree in the sea of nemophila at Hitachi Seaside Park in the style of Van Gogh.

Hitachi for me was like Arles for Van Gogh. I cannot capture its beauty but I can translate on paper how I felt about it.

I can now sleep.

Tomorrow I can try painting á la Studio Ghibli.

I need to drive first to Quezon City for some banking KYC stuff and meet a friend who needed career advice. Actually two friends needed career advice, both asking whether they should stay in journalism or not.

I both told them leave their respective companies now if they’re not growing. It doesn’t matter if it’s still in journalism or not.

I messed up the sky. It was just supposed to be a few “stars” but I sprinkled too much white gouache onto the sky, so there…I can’t undo it since that velvety sky is made up of layers upon layers of different hues of blue.

I’ll just have to make another painting to wash the shame away. 🫠

I was just mindlessly scrolling through Instagram, searching for gouache paintings/inspiration when the memories function of IG slipped this on my feed, this photo I uploaded on Feb 6, 2022 :

I had already forgotten that two years ago around this time I was so crushed.

I didn’t realize that it has already been two years since my last major breakdown. Two days before this IG post, I received a painting from the ex, which had an opposite effect of what he probably intended. After so much digging that day, I learned about the woman whom he cheated me with. The digital creator wanna-be who didn’t have any other content on her page but selfies, showing off her boobs, and her multi-level marketing whatever (and as a business journo, I know MLMs are scams). A friend asked me seriously, “Is she a transwoman?!” I said, “you’re so baaaaadddd!” He said, “no, really, she looks like a transwoman!” My girls also said the same, on different occasions. 🤣

Another friend said, she looks like comedienne Ai-Ai delas Alas.

I know we shouldn’t put down other women to feel good about ourselves but at that time, what my friends were pointing out was I shouldn’t feel worthless “because you’re waaaaaaaayyyyyy beyond her. Don’t try to measure yourself against her.” Of course, I wasn’t listening at that time. I felt so ugly, fat, and unworthy. For a long time.

I was on medication and was still in therapy that time that’s why I didn’t crash but it was a very, very tough climb from the bottom of the barrel.

To ease the pain, I turned to drawing, to express whatever I had inside. Everybody was asking how I was but words were not enough so I sent them drawings to capture how I was hurting.

Because I had to heal myself, I was able to unearth my old hobby, laying dormant for 25 years.

Should I be thankful for this episode because I began to draw and paint again? Nope, I’m not yet at that stage but I’ve already gone so far in terms of being able to forget significant dates, being able to tell myself that nah, I’m better than her, and that I’m finding more value in myself than what he (the ex) used me for.

As for the art, I’m still so far. Watercolor is much harder to use than gouache. Getting the colors right and making the paint behave as you intended them to behave is extremely hard in watercolor. I mess up so much, like those stars in that painting above, but hey, that’s gouache so…that means I’m also bad at gouache.

But I’ve come far because now I paint not because I hurt, but because I love it.

The kitties are getting bigger and I guess they’re healthy as their mama had been very well fed when she was pregnant. Mama cat is having a hard time fitting into this box while feeding them so I finally brought out the house I bought from Lazada.

I had barricaded the entry with cardboard so they won’t stray and fall off my stairs.

She’s just so grateful for a warm, dry and comfortable place to nurse. Safe, too, since she won’t get bullied as much by the neighborhood strays because this is just right by my doorstep.

What about when the kitties can climb over the barricade? I guess I can put them in a bigger box?

I finished and sent the draft of the piece I labored over the weekend. Had to gut it because it was too long. I deserve to take it easy this week because I worked overtime on my rest days.