I saw myself in the mirror before I left for Metro Manila this morning to cover a conference. I didn’t like what I saw.

I saw myself again when I was buying linen pants from Uniqlo that I will take with me to Singapore. I didn’t like myself.

I had let myself go.

The stress of the past couple of months and my fear of having an empty stomach that may trigger too much gastric acid production is now very evident on my physique.

I don’t like it. I don’t want to hate myself but I hate what I’m seeing.

I have to start over again. Start calorie-counting. Start to obsessively walk.

I need discipline again.

I painted again last night, just to relieve myself of anxiety over going back to work after a relaxing two-day holiday. It’s a very loose painting for exercising water control and impressions.

Need to use gouache more boldly by painting a scene from any Studio Ghibli movie.

Was I productive today? Not so much but I was able to do one interview and two potential interviews. My effort and my toll+diesel became worth it because I was able to chat with L during lunch and after work. But we were so busy that we had to part ways 30 mins after we finished work.

I finally am able to get the ultramarine + burnt sienna and ultramarine + yellow ochre combinations. I get now why these combinations are used for buildings in urban sketching.

Following Urban Sketchers on Instagram has given me the confidence to sketch using pen straight on paper. Before I needed to sketch using pencil then overlay it with black ink. I learned that it doesn’t have to be precise and the lines don’t have to be straight. What’s important is I capture the important elements onsite on a particular moment.

I have yet to finish this sketch pad but I already have a stock of these in my art bin. Talk about hoarding. That, however, didn’t stop me from ordering a smaller sketchpad but with 300 gsm paper for gouache painting.

Now I want a fountain pen for urban sketching. 🤦🏻‍♀️ But, but, but…fountain pens are really great for that since you can control the thickness of your lines.

More than a decade ago, I was writing a novel and this song was playing in my head, like the main protagonist was singing this and this served as one of the themes in the entire novel. I had destroyed and forgotten that novel but this song stayed. Another song that kept playing in my head alongside this one was “Gravity” by Sara Bareilles, but that’s for another entry.

I think about this song and I remember how I thought I found the person who saved me from an eternal lonelines—but I was so completely wrong. I didn’t get past the part of the lyrics where Gotye sang, “And I could not love/’Cause I could not love myself/Never good enough, no…”

That was the culprit. That lack of love for myself that always got me into a hot mess. Every time.

So now every time I listen to this song when I drive my car, I think, is there somebody out there who would sing the last stanza of this song for me?

Or maybe I’m supposed to sing Adele, “Next time, I’ll be braver/I’ll be my own savior standing on my own two feet…”

Save Me

In the mornings
I was anxious
It was better just to stay in bed
Didn’t want to fail myself again
Running through all the options
And the endings
Were rolling out in front of me
But I couldn’t choose a thread to begin

And I could not love
‘Cause I could not love myself
Never good enough, no
That was all I’d tell myself
And I was not well
But I could not help myself
I was giving up on living

In the morning
You were leaving
Traveling south again
And you said you were not unprepared
And all the dead ends
And disappointments
Were fading from your memory
Ready for that lonely life to end

And you gave me love
When I could not love myself
And you made me turn
From the way I saw myself
And you’re patient, love
And you help me help myself
And you save me,
You save me,
You save me

i was once a supernova
died
with brilliant burst of light
and then little by little i fell unto myself
collapsed
dust, i still lingered
for far too long
i was once a memory
but faded away
the dark sky swallowed me
until i was no more
i now join the billions of stars
but no longer shining
i am here but not here
i am no longer a memory
i no longer exist
as he wiped me out
to blend into the eternal night

I had chopped off my long hair when I was so heartbroken in December 2020. I kept my hair long for my ex because he liked it that way. Cutting it really short was an act of rebellion on my part, sort of taking back control when I couldn’t have the same kind of agency in other aspects of my life then. I told the hairdresser, “Give me a haircut that would give justice to a girl who was dumped by her partner.” My hairdresser understood the assignment.

For years I kept it short and always went back to that hairdresser because he understood what I was going through.

Last year when we had our professional headshots taken c/o my company, I still kept my hair short. Professional. Intimidating.

I didn’t realize that it has been a year since I had a haircut. I had grown it long again and I haven’t been bothered by it. Maybe because I’m past the survival mode stage. Maybe because I am truly healing, not the contrived healing I had set for myself during the first two years. Last year was hard because I uprooted myself and my kids from the life I’ve known the last 20 years and started over. It was hard because of Twin A’s health crisis.

However, 2023 was cathartic, too. I learned how to be stronger and became really happy with how my life turned out, despite the challenges.

When I reflected on this—my hair and what it meant—I realized I no longer have hate reigning in my heart. I think I no longer hurt. I think I have reached the apathy stage. Maybe I’m at this stage where my urge to throw my shoes at him if I encounter him is no longer that strong.

My regret is that I had those last three agonizing years with me, leaving deep scars on me.

My hair is long again. Does it mean I am trying to be attractive to the opposite sex again? I’m not sure. I’m happy with the way things are.

I’m just happy taking care of myself.

Tabby cat (not the tabby with socks) was weak last night, probably a side effect of the antiparasitic med I gave him. He was just out of it and I was afraid he would die the next day. I brought him liempo bone that he just sniffed and ignored while his siblings were greedily gnawing at theirs.

I was desperate. I forced it to take Vit C via syringe and reconstituted powdered filled milk, via syringe as well. Twin I and I patiently force-fed it with milk—the only thing I knew that saved Kimchi when she was about that age and was just newly adopted by us, fresh from the storm drain. Kimchi also suffered from infections that time and had to be inserted with IV because she was in really bad shape.

Anyway, I patiently made sure Tabby was fed and given strength. Towards midnight, he was strong enough to go down the stairs and interact with mommy cat.

Now, he’s running around like nothing happened. 😊 (See photo above, he’s the skinny one).

He probably vomited or had diarrhea because of the antiparasitic med I gave him. His other siblings didn’t have the same reaction so they were fine and were running around the utility area and barren garden. The dosage might have been too much (0.5 ml).

I took a break outside to snack on junk food. I know it’s bad but it’s Friday and I’m not going anywhere.

And this is the last story I am editing for this week. So far, so good. No drama, no skirmishes with boss.