I was so battered by my manager last Friday. I was so distraught that I had a fleeting thought of wanting to fling myself out the window. I wanted to just channel this trapped feeling into something else, like physical pain.

It alarmed me that I was already having that kind of thought so I sought a friend to talk this out. I think I need to go on leave after my KL trip. I should have medical exams. Not sure if this part of perimenopause.

I thought I would be able to handle my feelings towards my manager after I told her when we were in HK that she is stressing me out and I had wanted to quit this job because of that. Nope. I still cannot handle it.

I cannot walk away that easily from this job. Not in this economy. Not when the private school that my kids attend just sent me the list of school fees that just went up. Not when our business hasn’t taken off yet.

I just have to learn to manage this. I just have to learn how to ignore my manager. I just need to go to the sea after every rough encounter with her.

The dry and hot season is over. The southwest monsoon is upon us again in two weeks.

The gamu-gamo or flying termites are out and about, which means there would be a thunderstorm tomorrow or the following days. Flying termites flocking to light sources signal the end of summer and we would be drenched again by the southwest monsoon and typhoons. When I was a student, I always felt sad about seeing the gamu-gamo because it meant that my summer break was over and I haven’t enjoyed it to full hilt.

I somehow got the same feeling now. There’s this inexplicable feeling deep down in my gut, a kind of sadness because time is moving so fast. I have yet to go diving again. I haven’t been to the beach. I haven’t taken a break. It’s melancholy that is hitting me hard right now. The things I had promised myself I would be doing with the girls now that we have moved back to the province haven’t happened.

I should step back from work.

I should go out and take photos, just like I used to before. I’ve had three overseas trips this year and it’s only June and yet I haven’t sketched nor taken artsy photos. I haven’t enjoyed any moment of those trips. It’s all about work, work, work.

No wonder I’m always tired.

I decided to take a hiatus because two weeks ago my blog stats went crazy. I don’t know why it went viral in a particular country in Europe and it freaked me out. I hope the craziness has died down.

My kids are still not home because they’re extending their stay at their dad’s hometown. Dad delayed their departure. 🙄

So here I am, spending quiet mornings, midday, and evenings. It is unnerving though. I only have cats to talk to if I’m not talking to avatars of my colleagues online.

I had a change of pace today as I attended an annual general meeting and chased people again. I also had coffee with a friend, who asked for career advice…as if I know anything about careers. 😏

It was quite a productive day for me.

During lunch, fellow journos (senior journos) are sad that another institution is crumbling. Philippine Daily Inquirer, the broadsheet, is closing down.

Mass media is in a flux. Algorithms now rule and your ability to make money out of your content is now out of whack. Without steady subscription, you can’t survive. You have to have a way to make your viewers/readers stick.

When I was still with my old TV network, I learned that the way media outlets not behind a paywall get the eyeballs (ergo advertising money) is to have 1) speed, 2) click-bait headlines, 3) exclusivity.

Nowadays, those things no longer matter. Algorithm is the king. You are now a slave to the algorithm.

He came from out of nowhere. He showed Rolling Stones magazine how he should have been in their list of 100 greatest guitar players of all time and he didn’t take the snub kindly. Shredded like there’s no tomorrow. Threw his guitar and left.

That is Prince.

Prince’s performance here is still regarded as one of the best guitar solos and/or tributes to an artist. It’s up there with the Heart’s tribute to Led Zeppelin with their performance of Stairway to Heaven with Jason Bonham.

Sis-in-law was messaging me early in the morning, telling me she hasn’t slept at all. They had to attend to an emergency situation involving a student in our university who lived just a few townhouses from them.

The kid offed himself.

Long story short, there was pressure from this week’s finals, had a problem with not being able to graduate on time, and top of it all, he broke up with his girlfriend the day before.

His housemates couldn’t open his bedroom door. The owner of the unit already had a gut feel; he’s been through this before with a high school mate of his. They called the barangay and the police.

They confirmed the worst.

The parents said academically he had no problem, being a graduate of Philippine Science High School and all. It’s just that the kid had a history of depression. His friends said they didn’t know he was struggling mentally because he was a charismatic guy.

But you know, those who are in danger of going over the edge are the ones you least likely think would do so.

My SIL had to comfort the kids who were huddled infront of the apartment. They cried in her arms; they didn’t know how to deal with this tragedy. All of them had thesis defense scheduled this week. All of them were graduating this sem.

When you give up this fight, it’s not only you who would lose this fight. All of them would.

We said a little prayer for him, his family, and his friends.

I lost many friends to suicide.

I can’t blame them though. Sometimes the pain is just too hard to bear. You can’t claw your way out of the dark pit that has been closing in on you. You scream soundlessly, hoping for some release. You can’t reach out to others because they wouldn’t understand this hollow and dull ache inside. You just want to give up and go.

I wish I could reach out to kids who feel trapped like this. Too young to go on the deep end.

I wish I knew my friends were trapped like this. I could have helped and reached out.

But I didn’t know. We all didn’t know.

How to cook with minimal effort? Air fryer and steamer.

I don’t want to mess around with pots and and pans. Because Twin I managed to blow up our microwave oven while I was away in Singapore, I’m left with just the steamer to heat up rice in the fridge. To save on electricity, I thought I’ll just use the other baskets to steam veggies and make savory steamed eggs.

I had been eating like this for two days now so I decided to make pork sinigang in my Instant Pot today. It was too much for one person, though. I ate it for brunch and dinner and I still have a lot of leftovers.

Home is sanctuary from the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. You can’t just continue battling your way out into the world and hope that you’ll last until your next base stop.

My kids are gone, they’re with their dad until the 25th. So this is how it feels like being solo. When I travel, I don’t feel it because it is out of the ordinary way of life for me. It’s a disruption. Now that I’m settling back into a routine, I can feel the impact of being alone.

Is it sad? Yes. It’s more of about missing my children. This is how it feels like when they will have lives of their own. This is how it would look like when the time comes I will just wait for them to call me. Hoping they would remember me because I never stopped thinking about them everyday.