Hello, Avi. I hope we will get along well for a lonnnngggggg time.

Once the warranty expires, I will upgrade the tires to alloy mags and 17″ tires to give it a lift. That entails changing suspensions as well to match the changes in specs so it will not cause drag.

But for every hello, there is a goodbye.

I’ve carried sofas, Rockwool insulation, bikes, my whole life even, with this car.

Thanks for the memories, the good and the bad.

I was sitting alone inside my new car, thinking about the irony or weirdness of life. Here I am, torn about feeling sad about letting go of an old friend (Wendy) and excited about my new toy…

… and then there’s this feeling of guilt or something akin to that because my younger sister’s best friend just died. I’m preoccupied with inconsequential things while, L, my sister’s bestfriend’s life was snuffed out just like that. Without warning.

L was a mainstay in our house in high school. I’ve played football with her. She used to call me ate.

It’s hard to think that she’s gone.

I didn’t have any business going to Makati last Friday but I did brave the rain and traffic just to have dinner with friends in the industry. We have been friends for 20 years, through good and bad choices of cars and men.

We were supposed to celebrate the birthday of fairygaymother K but he’s enjoying himself in Siargao. But we pushed through with the dinner anyway.

One friend just registered her NGO dedicated to rescuing cats and dogs but her main advocacy is affordable, if not free, spaying of cats and dogs from the streets and with homes in Roxas City. Another friend adopts and rehabilitates dogs that were given up by people who could no longer take care of them.

Meanwhile, I have cats that come and go to my place. They know they have food, water, and a roof that would shelter them from the elements. I have a tuxedo cat that has become a regular visitor, a tabby kitten with a loud meow, and a ginger that sporadically pops up. Socks and Gorilla aren’t that bothered but Kimchi and Sushi freak out that they spray to mark their territory. It’s super disgusting but I have bio-enzymes to get rid of the nasty smell that lingers even after cleaning up after them. The vet at the pet hospital where I brought Kimchi for anal gland emptying prescribed a medicine to calm down Kimchi when she is agitated when I’m away or when we needed to bathe her after she empties  her anal gland.

We exchanged notes about our animal care journey and my assignment is to ask our home visit vet (the one who does the affordable spaying for community cats and dogs) where can my friend’s NGO purchase anesthesia for animals that are cheaper than off-the-shelf ones. PDEA has been getting stricter so one can’t really have access to such things, especially with druggies now turning to chemicals meant for animals. 😑

It’s always nice and important to make time for friends because when you get older, your circle of friends gets smaller. You will need friends when you get to your senior years to keep you mentally healthy. Humans are social animals and interactions with a wide set of people keep your mind from rotting.

Our friend, B, has been staying in her home province during and post-pandemic as her job allows her to work remotely. Her life sounds like a dream: she lives near the beach, has built her own home as well, and is active with her NGO. She, however, says she needs to go to Manila every now and then (that’s why she keeps her condo in Makati) because she needs more mental stimulation—a variety of people to interact with helps from having brain rot.

A friend, K, chimed in and sais that it is the reason why senior citizens need to have a steady social structure and acticvities so their brains won’t go downhill faster than their bodies. Shuttering yourself in the province in your farm sounds idyllic but you can’t forever garden alone and have your spouse as your only society. She said her parents retired in Cavite and lead a more socially active life in the province than when they were living in Parañaque. She said doesn’t worry about them that way.

So I try to understand my mom why she keeps on dipping her hands into things she shouldn’t be doing anymore, like field studies, research projects, lectures, etc. She is terrified of brain rot because she saw first-hand how my grandma deteriorated because of Alzheimer’s. An uncle (a brother of my father) is also suffering from the same and she brought him to PGH to be checked by one of the country’s best neurologists because she suspected he was not properly taken care of in the US. Because of these, my mom has become more makulit.

Ah it’s ageing. We will all go there.

I went to the community market after a long absence, just to see what’s out there. I bought myself scents for my room because I pamper myself these days. As I told my girlfriends last Friday, the way to heal from all these troubles from relationships and careers is by giving yourself grace and by loving yourself. Allowing yourself these little indulgences that add up make your life beautiful.

And here I am, a true tsundoku… I bought books again even though I still have stacks of them on my nightstand and shelves. One day I will do a book review of the books I finished. One of them is Me Before You, which I finished in one go. Yes, I didn’t sleep, literally, just to finish that one.

Yeah, just indulge in those little things like scents and books. These don’t harm anyone and these obviously enrich my life. Women often feel guilty for treating ourselves with such things but once we start to love ourselves and that we do not merely exist to serve others, then that guilty feelings go away.

As my friend, B, said, we should all learn how to set time for ourselves so we can heal properly. She is now a year into her therapy and taking meds for anxiety and depression. She has cut off her narcissistic mother from her life and she now feels more free financially, mentally, emotionally, and physically. She can now devote time to walk along the beach with her rescue dogs and her organs that were shutting down one by one are recovering.

I started buying myself flowers for the house (before my cats broke my vase) from the flower market near our home. Twin A asked, why are you buying flowers? I replied, because I like them. Why do I have to have a special occasion to treat myself?

I drove my 20-year-old car to BGC today. It was smooth and trouble-free—it feels new. Sort of. Or I’m just convincing myself not to let go of this car and I don’t need a new one…

Aggh! My toxic trait is that I don’t know when to let go. And that has gotten me so much grief and unnecessary strife.

I have gone to BGC today to interview a visiting CEO and I’m quite excited to write the story.

I got my mojo back. ❤️

@elite.recruiter

The Corporate Game is rigged – here’s how to actually win. Hard work won’t save you. Likability will. Let me break down the real corporate game level by level. #CorporateGame #CorporateTruths #CareerAdvice #WorkCulture #EliteRecruiter #CareerTalk #CorporateAmerica #Corporate #LeadershipTips #OfficePolitics #EliteEdge #Job #ProfessionalGrowth #Career #CareerUnfiltered #deepalivyas #fy #fyp

♬ original sound – Elite Recruiter – Deepali Vyas

Why is there truth in what this recruiter is saying?! It explains why I had a burnout and led me to quit my manager position and shifted back to an individual contributor position.

Middle management = buffer between your team of individual contributors and management who whip you to deliver the numbers. The higher you go up the ladder, the more the optics are valued rather than your skill. Middle managers who care quit or get burned out. Those who don’t care that much but are good at “yes, ma’am, yes sir” are the ones promoted to management position. On this level, it matters how you make yourself look good and how you as an individual delivered the numbers without acknowledging that it’s a team effort. The higher you go, the more that it becomes more high school-ish. The popular kids get all the free pass to the top echelons.

Now I know why I quit being a manager. I was beating myself up for days, thinking I was a bad manager. No, it is how the system is set up. I wanted to be different by being kind and helpful. I just cared about my team when I shouldn’t. I was the buffer/shield and shields don’t last long.

Stretching myself too thinly without the resources so I try to fill the gaps.

I remember when our APAC boss scolded me after my presentation, she said why did you present the negative stuff? You should be talking about how great the bureau is and be positive!

Basically, I should lie through my nose and pretend things are rosy when they’re not.

There is a disconnect and I don’t know how I can survive with this disconnect. Ah well, I didn’t survive so I quit. You can’t survive this game if you want to be a maverick. You will always get frustrated because you want to be true.

I don’t want this game.

I had one of the most harrowing—if not the most harrowing driving experience I had—last weekend. I stalled along Quezon Ave because of an unresponsive clutch and of course, transmission.

Prior to going to Metro Manila, I had already had the clutch fixed and changed. Or so I thought. Friday, I had my clutch adjusted because it was suspiciously going deeper and was not “biting” so I had a hard time shifting gears.

The “mechanic” adjusted it.

The following day, I drove my mom to QC for some kind of reunion with her undergrad classmates. I had my kids with me and we went to UP Town Center so they can hang out with their grade school best friend.

When we were about to fetch my mom, we got stalled and barricaded from entering the UP Diliman campus because of the Pride Parade. They closed off major gates.

It took me an hour to get to my mom and we took the long way to Teachers Village to bring back the twins’ friend to her home. By that time, I was already feeling the looseness of the clutch pedal and that the gear stick is getting harder to use.

We were already in Quezon Ave when I felt that the gear stick was frozen and that my clutch was getting nowhere. I stopped by a gas station to ask for a mechanic but he had gone home, they said.

I struggled but was able to make it a few more meters and luckily I was able to get a hold of two mechanics in a Shell gas station. They were about to go home but got held up because they were waiting for their friends to pick them up for a birthday party. Guardian angels were looking out for us.

Long story short, they were able to diagnose the problem and did a quick fix so we could go home.

On SLEX, everything was smooth. But then when we exited at Calamba, that’s when I felt the gear stick freezing again and the clutch wouldn’t bite. I was pushing and pushing my luck for 15 km or so until I reached the junction going the main ave leading to our university campus.

Then a bus blocked us when we were about to turn right so we had to stop and go neutral. That’s when I lost it. My clutch and my gear stick were no longer communicating. I screamed and cried. I was just holding in all the tension I felt and I was clutching on to a thin sliver of sanity for five hours so I would not panic. Panicking will not help us all.

But then it was all too much. I had to let it all out. And by some miracle my stick shifted after pumping the clutch pedal so much. I drove all the way home on second gear. I turned off the engine, shifted the gear to Reverse and then turned on the engine so I can reverse and park properly.

My mom said, she cannot live worrying that something similar will happen to me again when I drive back to Manila. “You have to buy a new car immediately.”

So here I am, vacillating between Toyota Raize, photo above, (cute, high ground clearance but has a very small trunk and 5-seater only) and Toyota Avanza (7-seater, large cargo space but has low ground clearance).

I paid xxx pesos to reserve either models and told the sales agent that I will be making cash payment a week or two later once I sold my Crosswind because parking is an issue.

The car is now running smoothly after the clutch and brake repair.

I now have second thoughts about selling this Crosswind. It breaks my heart… I’m being a sentimental idiot, I know.

But this thing is built like a tank. It has been with me through one of the strongest typhoons on this planet and carried me to Ground Zero. I’ve plowed through Metro Manila floods without fear. It has been with me halfway across the country. I know all its aches and pains.

I have to let it go. Let go…