My surgeon used a dark thread for my stitches so for now I look like Harry Potter with a misplaced lightning scar. But it’s so refreshing to see my forehead without that lump. It’s only now that I bothered to search in my archives for some photos that would show when the lump started to appear. I saw that way back 2016 there was a visible lump already but it wasn’t that glaring.

At least now the bruising is gone and it seems like the wound will close up nicely.

I don’t think I have to be in the OR when the doctor removes my stitches on Monday. Hopefully my forehead doesn’t look weird by Tuesday because I have a meeting in BGC, then the next day I have an interview with somebody in Vietnam, then 30 mins after that is my breast ultrasound. I have to jump into my car and rush to the radiology dept of the hospital where I had my mammogram.

Friends were flabbergasted that I didn’t take time off after my surgery. Well, it wasn’t a major surgery so there’s no need for long healing period but it sure was painful.

I want to finish all these health checks so I can focus on other things.

I just ordered from Lazada a 30m utility rope to attach to my diving buoy, some carabiners, and diving weights. Also bought a bag for my fins and my girls’ fins because I need to have these checked in when we fly to Bohol in a few weeks. I have to bring my portable air pump to inflate my diving buoy.

I should plan our next diving trip. Coron perhaps towards the end of the year to avoid the huge typhoons from the southeast up to northeast.

Anesthesia resistance goes hand in hand with pain reliever resistance, I guess. When I had my gall bladder taken out in 2014, I remember waking up in the middle of surgery and asking why was I still alive—I meant to say “awake” but confused it with “alive”. It seemed like people panicked and my anesthesiologist told me that, of course, I’m supposed to be alive. Then after surgery, I was told by my anesthesiologist that they couldn’t knock me out. She said I kept on talking and telling stories but for the life of me I couldn’t remember any of it.

When I got back to my room and woke up, the anesthesia wore off and I experienced unbearable pain. I guess it was more painful than my caesarian surgery because they only had to open me up and get the babies, who were just lying on top of my messed up organs. But getting my gall bladder out involved digging through a lot of fat and muscles so the stitches had to go down deep.

They had to increase my morphine dosage because the previous dose wasn’t working. I was in agony.

The same is happening now but to a lesser degree. My head fucking hurts. I was able to see the bruising through the plaster and watchamacallit that keeps the wound from getting wet after I washed my hair and bathed my body. I decided to keep the band around my forehead because I don’t want the hematoma to go down further and it keeps my forehead from moving when my face is showing expressions.

Moving my eyebrows is painful enough. Damn.

On the flipside, just as my doctor warned, my hairline above my stitches is numb because there was some damage to the facial nerves when the lipoma was excised. It will take three months before my hairline would feel normal again. It feels weird not to feel anything at all along my scalp. So the numbness is above my wound but my wound and everything below it hurts so much. Even wincing hurts. Moving my facial muscles hurt. My right face hurts. The oral pain reliever is not working. Well, normal morphine dose didn’t work for me 10 years ago. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Gaaaahhhhh!

To keep my mind off the pain, I was entertained by my fluffies.

As Twin I said, Kimchi is God’s laziest soldier.

I warned my surgeon that I have a weird resistance to anesthesia, so he said he will slightly hike the dosage. At some point when he was prying the lipoma out of the muscles it was buried under, I felt some kind of stabbing pain but it was minute. However, technically I shouldn’t have felt that but 🤷🏻‍♀️ what can I do?

He said heavy drinkers have this condition. I joked, well I came from this university so…🙃 He got it. He also had his undergraduate in this uni and went to UP College of Med-PGH in Manila so of course he knows.

So now I know it’s not a myth. 🤣

Funny doc, he kept on repeating that the lipoma he removed was “cute.” how can a mass of fat cells be cute?

Then he showed me. Oh well, it’s really round.

I asked if it could have been removed by liposuction. He said it’s too solid for that. It’s also good that I chose to have the incision directly over the tumor instead of doing the roundabout way—in which he would have to do the incision within my hairline—because the lipoma was embedded underneath my muscles and just above my bone. It would have made things more complicated. Even with this straightforward job, he still had to cut through muscles and a lot of blood vessels and nerves. That’s the reason why I’m in a lot of pain after the local anesthesia has worn off.

I also have to wear this band over my wound so that the hematoma would not spread down to my face because of gravity. I may end up with a black eye in the coming days.

He took a picture of the stitches and he used the traditional one, which does not melt, because he said healing is faster via this method. He would take out the stitches next Monday. Hopefully it’s not as ugly as how it is painful.

He sent the tumor for biopsy and will get the result in a week or two. Hopefully, it doesn’t show that I have sarcomas or potentially develop sarcomas.

So the entire day I’m just horizontal. My head aches, not just because I was awakened at 4 am today, but also the stabbing pain on my wound also made my entire head heavy. I drove myself from the hospital with a dull stabbing pain from my wound and I arrived just 10 mins before my video meeting with my boss and my team. When we have calls with my boss, we have our cameras on. Yes, they’ve seen my condition, which wasn’t my intention. The stabbing pain got in the way of my speaking because it distracted me and caused me to to be confused or have brain fog.

I asked my boss for a day off today. I just can’t adult today.

Twin A asked, why did I have to go through this pain when I was told the tumor is not cancerous? I said it’s better to be safe because we wouldn’t totally know it’s not cancerous until the biopsy shows it’s not. However, my doctor is positive it’s just lipoma and not liposarcoma since I described this lump as being there since 2018 or earlier and hasn’t grown dramatically over a short period. But he is still making sure he has covered all bases.

I told my daughter this is just part of my self-care, just the same as my breast cancer and cervical cancer screenings. After years of taking care of other people, it’s time that I take care of myself. It’s possible now to do this because I don’t have a partner to take care of as I have limited bandwidth and headpsace to do all of the nurturing duties in years prior. The mother’s/wife’s/female partner’s healthcare is put in the backburner because she has to keep everything together even though her body is already falling apart. She has to chug along like a train or else nothing gets done. Her descent will hasten if her partner does not pull his weight and contribute to the nurturing part of a family and relationship.

So during the dinner here at home with friends, one bff asked me if I’m still looking for a partner. I said no. I’m ok as it is. I’m able to take care of myself now.

Walk Down The Road

Walked the streets today
Mindless of the way
I argued with my feet
I wanted to go this way
But went that way
Fate had me in its grip
And by chance and grace
Both I wondered why
I suddenly looked up
And in your deep, deep eyes I saw
The smile of all smiles
In my naked wanderings I thought
I heard you whisper my name
And there you are soft and slumbered
And cradled in her arms
Well, I tried to understand
Why you set me free
Was it love or insecurity
You let me be?
I walk down the road
I look up at the sky
Now I know why
Reasoning has conquered me
I can’t and won’t deny the fact
My heart beats a special drum
Only for you
But I’m glad to be on my own
I have never been this free
From all suspicion and the pain
Grown year upon year
I walk down the road
I look up at the sky
Now I know why
Give me space
Give me time
Don’t lose yourself in any harm
Water rushes down my back
Down the water runs
Walking in the rain then seemed beyond conception
But I’ve never been so alive
So much in love with life
And from the grey, grey sky
Fell the tear of all tears
I walked down the road
Looked up at the sky
Now I know why
I walk down the road
I look up at the sky
Now I know why

So I will be having the surgery to remove my forehead lipoma on Monday. I have to be at the OR at 7 am 😩.

But at least it will finally be removed after years of other people getting bothered by it.

When I got home after dinner out with friends, I tested the new Pilot Kakuno EF I bought. I know, I know, I don’t need multiple fountain pens… But it’s transparent!!! Plus EF (extra fine) nibs are better for sketching… (yes, my excuse is lame).

I should stop buying fountain pen stuff. But of course, Lazada is just one click away. 🤦🏻‍♀️

While doing the inking, I was listening to Sleep Token to keep my blood jumping inside my body. And since this band is progressive metal, there are songs that are more suitable for releasing pent-up fury like Vore.

Speaking of Sleep Token, this video from Drumeo is featuring II, who was voted 2023 best drummer of the year.

In this video, II plays the electronic drum kit with the analogue kit that has so many crashes—dimpled ones and the ones with holes. It’s mind-bloggling how he mixes the electronic with the wicked analogue setup. Others have mistaken that the electric drums are pre-recorded when they play live but in this video II shows that he plays them live with his analogue kit. And II’s double bass! I cannot, just cannot comprehend how he plays it like it was nothing. Well, some geniuses like John Bonham and Yoyoka do the triple… But still!

This song also has so many ghost notes, which I find difficult for rhythm-challenged people like me. I remember my piano teacher always reached for the metronome whenever I played difficult rhythms like jazz. I CANNOT FUCKING PLAY JAZZ!

Anyway, I’ll just continue watercoloring tomorrow. I promised myself that I should be sketching at least once a week to improve my sketching, especially perspective drawings.

Just run it back, give me five whole minutes
I am thick tar on the inside burning
I’ve got a ghost in the hallway grinning
And a heavy head that won’t stop turning
If my fate is a bad collision
And if my mind is an open highway
Give me the twilight two-way vision
Give me one last ride on a sunset sky lane
Call me when you get the chance
I can feel the walls around me closing in
Just running forward, a life like wires
As I see the past on an empty ceiling
I play along with the life signs anyway
But hope to God you don’t know this feeling
Yet in reverse, you are all my symmetry
A parallel I would lay my life on
So if your wings won’t find you Heaven
I will bring it down like an ancient bygone
Call me when you have the time
I just need to leave this part of me behind
Do you remember me
When the rain gathers?
And do you still believe
That nothing else matters?
For me
It’s still the autumn leaves
These ancient canopies
That we used to lay beneath
No, by now
The night belongs to you
This bough has broken through
I must be someone new
No, for me
(Run it back, give me five whole minutes)
(I am thick tar on the inside burning) it’s still the autumn leaves
(I’ve got a ghost in the hallway grinning)
(And a heavy head that won’t stop turning) these ancient canopies
(If my fate is a bad collision)
(And if my mind is an open highway) we used to lay beneath
(Give me the twilight two-way vision)
now, by now
(Just running forward, alive like wires)
(As I see the past on an empty ceiling) the night belongs to you
(I play along with the life signs anyway)
(But hope to God you don’t know this feeling) this bough has broken through
(Yet in reverse, you are all my symmetry)
(A parallel I would lay my life on) I must be someone new
(So if your wings won’t find you Heaven)
(I will bring it down like an ancient bygone)
The whites of your eyes
Turn black in the low light
In turning divine
And we tangle endlessly
Like lovers entwined
I know for the last time
You will not be mine
So give me the night, the night, the night

On Fridays we don’t go out to bars anymore. We eat at home with friends. 🍲🍷

At 2:30 pm, I went to my kids’ school to get their report cards. I was mistaken with Twin A’s average. I was off 0.34% as it turned out her ave is 96.66% and not 97%. Twin I was 98.62% and she was still upset that she didn’t make it to 99%. 😒

After a quick grocery run, I drove to the next town to buy monay. I was craving for bread and this town is known for their delicious monay. Went home to tweak some edits and then shut down work at 4 pm.

My girls entertained one of my bff’s young kids in their room (or rather they entertained Kimchi) while we laughed our butts off at the dinner table. Conversation over spgahetti, sparkling grape, some tea and pastries after. One friend who traveled all the way from QC is now staying at the university hotel.

I am now delaying the inevitable—doing the washing up. 😩

When we were all in our early 20s, Friday nights meant we would be hanging at Xaymaca to hear live reggae music. Or we would be here in our hometown, getting stupidly drunk.

Now, our Friday nights are peaceful dinners at home and still trading stupid jokes. However, these days it means such nights are irregular since adulting gets in the way: work, errands, and general exhaustion.

Well, we’re older.

People had been making a lot of memes about the break up of the “Uni-Team” of Marcos x Duterte. Well from Day 1 they haven’t been seeing eye to eye; as the Filipino proverb states, “Ang magnanakaw galit sa kapwa magnanakaw.” (A thief hates his own kind). The two camps both have ambitions of having perpetual rule over the Philippines, so like hyenas they are fighting over the carcasses of the Filipino people (or whatever that’s left of us).

It was the Marcos camp that has been leaking to media about the unexplained expenses of Sara Duterte at DepEd (PHP 125m spent over 11 days) and other shenanigans. Both camps have been trying to topple each other, trying their best to sway public opinion.

Another leak to the media is how Rodrigo Duterte’s former spokesperson and number one ass-licker spent government money on his boytoys. The issue is not because this very much married Harry Roque is outed as gay but it’s how he was abusing his power and state coffers to indulge in his guilty pleasure.

Meanwhile, the Pink camp is just watching everything implode while munching on popcorn—which to me is kind of weak and stupid. This is the time the real opposition is supposed to be gearing up and taking advantage of the situation; it should be positioning itself as the only viable option if the Philippines wants to move forward. But no, there is no clear leadership. No one is feisty enough to take a stand and go against these two opposing forces.

So back to more palatable things…

I cooked Korean fried chicken last night and I must say it was perfection. I managed to fry it to be point of crackling crispy but still juicy inside while saucy on the outside. I didn’t put too much gojuchang or almost none to take into consideration Twin A’s preference for something mild. I relied more on soy sauce and the other ingredients I used to make the bibimbap sauce. I achieved the perfect crispiness by making my own batter mixed with some pre-made one and double-frying it, just like how the Japanese make their karaage and tempura.

This has Twin I’s stamp of approval.

I feel unproductive this week.