I really tried but my eyes and brain were just shutting down. Good thing I woke up just when they were saying their goodbyes. It was a product demo and I was not really into it.

All week long I’ve been arranging interviews for my reporters and I haven’t had one for myself. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Tomorrow, I should do this non-stop for myself.

Meanwhile, I cooked baby back ribs in my Instant Pot.

The meat just fell off the bones. My foster cats outside were so happy with the bones and fatty parts. My indoor cats aren’t crazy about pork.

And here is my obnoxious indoor cat, partially sunning herself.

I have so much rage to release this week that I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I try to self-soothe so I won’t go ballistic. I just learned a term from Gen Z kids to help me cope: rotting days. Yes, I allow myself to have rotting days, when I just allow myself the grace of being easy on myself because I get a lot of beating from outside factors.

I just sink into music. To nostalgia.

I just had my ultrasound today after the result of my mammogram came out. I have two cysts, one on each boob. So far the radiologist says it’s benign (fluid) but needs to be monitored, whether every six months or once year, it would be up to my gynecologist. It may disappear, it may not. It could grow and it could be aspirated if it gets uncomfortable. I would be very busy this Saturday as the queue at my gynecologist’s clinic is long.

I don’t know what I’m getting at.

I finally found the photo that shows how red my hair was back in 2015. Twin I wanted to see how far did I push back the envelope in terms of hair color. I’m pretty conservative when it comes to that as I haven’t colored my hair green or blue or blonde. I felt that red is still acceptable in a business setting. I colored my hair for strategic reasons—so that the people I was interviewing at the doorstop would remember me when I see them again or when I send a text message,  “Hi _, I’m CallMeCreation, the red-headed reporter. May I ask a follow up question…”

But damn, maintaining a hair like that is too much work. I needed to heavily condition my hair everyday (because hair coloring chemicals literally kill hair) and I spent hours in the salon just to maintain roots.

Now that I don’t have to stand out among the pack of reporters in a media scrum, the need to color my hair various shades of red and brown has also vanished.

Oh how young I looked then. 🥹

This means Trump and Biden cannot be investigated for any wrongdoings. I’ve read other opinions and arguments regarding this decision and this leads to a president having absolute power. Well then, good luck in dealing with future despots. We’ve had our own; now the despot’s son is our president.

Meanwhile, I had another skirmish with my manager yesterday because she doesn’t understand Southeast Asia and how we do our coverage here. You cannot group us according to sectors because, for example, every energy sector in 11 countries that comprise ASEAN has its own energy mix and rules and regulations. Reporters on the ground know their own market and the politics involved so it’s better that they cover things that are on the ground and not just parachute elsewhere. Our sources value us more that way as well.

Just because it works in Korea it will work here. It’s a very homegenous society so they way you subdivide the coverage is by sector. But it clearly wouldn’t work for SEAsia. 🤦🏻‍♀️ The hegemony at play here… Just because one thinks their nation is more superior than others—similar how Singaporeans view other Southeast Asians. They keep putting a square peg in a round hole. My former boss, who is Japanese, was more understanding because she has a wider view of the world, growing up in Canada and now working in the most prohibitive societues in the world for working women and mothers.

It was a tough battle for me yesterday but I won in the end. Too long and identifiable to write down but I’m glad I made the point across. It just left me with no energy today. I just want to take a break today from heavy lifting.

Going to Makati first. Have to get ready.

I love my surgeon. His stitches were *chef’s kiss* and when he took them out yesterday, my scar is almost unnoticable. You would only think that there is still something there because my wound is still somewhat swollen (of course it is still fresh). He assured me it will subside by the time I return to him for a check up on the 15th. He gave me Rx for a cream that would “erase” my scar. Wrapping my head tightly with that elastic bandage helped in lessening the incidence of hematoma going down my face. My forehead up to my scalp is still numb but itchy. He told me it’s because my nerves are fusing/repairing themselves so the itchiness will continue for weeks until my facial nerves are healed.

The result of my biopsy will also be out on the 15th. He assured me that he is confident that it is just lipoma and very, very little chance it is liposarcoma.

Meanwhile, I brought my girls with me today to Makati to pick up our Manila reporter and buy a hairdryer then jump to Grand Hyatt area for a meeting. I dropped off my girls at Mitsukoshi to window shop and amuse themselves.

They wasted money on gachapon ガチャポン .

Twin A is obsessed with Japanese grocery stores and she knows about Don Don Donki/Don Quijote (I don’t know how) and wants to shop there for foodstuff and skincare products. She would have gone nuts in Hong Kong because there’s one branch very near our office building in Central. The Singapore branch was mehhh because it was super expensive compared to HK due to 9% GST and import tax. Hong Kong doesn’t have any of those.

So anyway, those are the only things they can afford in Mitsukoshi. Kinokuniya and the grocery store at the basement are still unaffordable to them. Unfortunately for them, mommy was busy and couldn’t be dragged to buy them anything 🤣.

It’s about doing errands with joy and you own your time. You can choose not to do anything or make yourself more productive.

Twin I asked if I could make lasagna even though we no longer have a slow cooker (I gave it away). I picked a box of dried lasgna noodles, a small pack of Italian spaghetti sauce and figured out the rest at home. I researched online how long can I cook lasagna in the Instant Pot. One recipe says 20 mins. I didn’t have the pan that it prescribed so I decided to just plop everything straight into the inner pot.

I already have ragu sauce in my fridge (leftover from my previous spaghetti dinner), made béchamel sauce, then added the cream cheese that has been in my chiller for quite a while. I threw in some quick melt cheddar cheese to finish the small cube that has been hanging around my fridge.

I alternateded the layers of ragu, beéchamel,and noodles. I also made sure there was enough liquid to help create pressure.

The noodles are still al dente, not mushy as I feared it might turn out, while the cheesy sauce is gooey but good.

We went to the weekend market this morning to have my hand soap pumps refilled (I’m more into sustainable consumerism these days) by a green store I patronize. It makes environment-friendly products and bringing your own containers for liquid hand soaps, laundry detergent, and dishwashing liquid soap is a must. They also make shampoo bars and conditioners, and handmade soaps that I also buy for myself.

Aside from buying breakfast and lunch for me and my girls, I lugged home three plants that I bought for PhP 50 each. I didn’t bring a car and we just walked from our house as a form of exercise.

What I dragged home were herbs that I will use for cooking. I realized I have more success keeping herbs alive than ornamental flowers. 😒 My sweet basil and dill are still alive despite the horrific summer that we had.

So I bought very leafy Thai holy basil because I wanted to make pad kra pao at home. Spearmint is for tea-making, while tarragon is for cream sauces. I can also make omelettes with tarragon and cheese. My rosemary died after the blazing summer that we had because it drowned in the torrential rain in the last week of May. Rosemary doesn’t like water that much.

I tied the herbs on my balcony railing because it’s near my kitchen. Culinary herbs should be accessible so they won’t be forgotten.

Since I was already gardening, might as well go all the way.

I removed the dead plants or whatever that’s left of them. I used the grow bags with the same soil to grow the seeds of bird’s eye chilis and bell peppers I had been collecting from my kitchen scraps. I also sowed some Chinese cabbage seeds in some grow bags. I placed them on my stairs so I can easily monitor them. If I’m successful, then I will start building my garden beds. But first I have to have the huge sampaloc/tamarind tree trimmed so there will be more sunlight in the garden.

I figured that I would be better off planting lettuce and pechay or bok choy in hanging planters to keep them off soil parasites and for them to have access to more sunlight since my fruit trees are giving too much shade.

Hopefully the oncoming typhoons will not destroy my starter vegetable garden.

The main reason why I traveled to Ortigas and brought my girls with me was that I was invited to a special block screening of the movie Inside Out. I just added some meetings on the side to make my trip worthwhile.

And ohhhh boy, this movie made me tear up. My girls are the same age as Riley Anderson and they could relate to her on the surface level, like the struggles of trying to fit in, the initial feeling of losing friends because they won’t go to the same high school after being together in middle school…

But the entire movie is about what makes a PERSON human. Overwhelming emotions, like anxiety, controling us do not define US. Life is not about just keeping all the good stuff and erase all the negative ones by suppressing them. What make us the persons we are now include all the horrible memories, all the bad feelings, and the experiences that you would rather forget.

It’s just like this song:

I’m not gonna fight back what I’ve become
Yeah, I’ve got bruises where I came from
But I wouldn’t change if I could restart
I ain’t gonna hide these beautiful scars
I’ve been going way too hard on myself
Guess that it’s the reason that I’m feeling like hell
But I wouldn’t change if I could restart
I ain’t gonna hide these beautiful scars

Joy (voiced by Amy Poehler) has been trying to suppress those, kicking all the negative memory balls to the back of Riley’s mind, thinking that Riley is just going to be comprised of all the good stuff. Anxiety (voiced by Maya Hawke) has other plans.

As we grow older, more complex feelings creep in and all these try to control our brains, our lives. They fight for their right to define who we are. Maturity is about how we embrace and at the same time master all these.

Riley repeating the statement, “I am not good enough,” is very familiar to us who have been paralyzed by this mantra, causing us to doubt ourselves after getting beaten down  by life. For Riley, this self-doubt pushed herself to the limit because she desperately wanted to be accepted. She got fried instead. For me, however, this self-doubt took hold of me for a long time after a seismic shift and caused me to completely break down.

When Riley was experiencing panic attack, with all the hyperventilation and repeat of “I’m not good enough” over and over inside her head, something clicked within me. I HAD THE SAME EXPERIENCE. During those times, anxiety and depression owned me.

Since Riley is just 13, she was able to snap out of it because she had a good support systen. But for us who had experienced the earth shifting beneath out feet and destroyed the walls we have put up, anxiety can indeed short-circuit our brains and stay for a long time.

My eyes began to water when Joy saw the negative memories that she had been working hard to banish began flooding the brain pool then started shooting multicolored strands. She realized that all the suppressed memories were important to make a beautiful crystalline tower of Riley.

It’s hard to explain everything if one hasn’t seen the first and then this second installment of Inside Out. The script was brilliant and mental health professionals approve.

Speaking of panic attacks, I remember having one while I was driving along C5 and I thought I was having a heart attack. I had reflux and palpitations—I called my cousin-in-law who was an OR nurse at that time at The Medical City. He told me to go to stop and leave my car and head straight to the ER.

I was reminded of my father who vomited when he had a massive heart attack.

My ECG showed I was normal and they diagnosed it was just acid reflux. I was sent home with an Rx for antacids. However, my sister’s friend told my sister that what I was experiencing was clearly a panic attack.

It wasn’t the only time I had a panic attack. I had several of those thereafter, while I was still married.

I couldn’t understand at that time why I was having those. My first psychiatrist made me realize that it was trauma response to the great burden of being with my ex-husband who has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). I didn’t realize that the anxiety of having him around was already eating me alive.

I thought my panic attacks left me when we separated.

I was sooo wrong. They returned with a vengeance everytime I discovered or had bad realizations about ex-J. I clearly remember clutching my chest because of palpitations and while having an acid reflux when I was at the intersection of Kalayaan Ave and V. Luna. Luckily traffic was not bad and I was able to stop by the nearest curbside where I could temporarily park. I was hyperventilating. That was the time when I discovered about the transwoman-like (Twin I’s and my friend L’s term) gf whom the ex-J cheated me with. I called up my friend, B, and talked to her, crying-screaming at her. B just told me to let it out.

Just like Riley in Inside Out, a voice inside me kept echoing that I wasn’t good enough. It was anxiety talking to me.

And I quote myself from that time:

“I could never measure up and will never be enough.

I’m just me. Simple. Earthy. I live by my wits. I don’t have the body, I don’t have money, and I only just have my brains to live on. I live by my hands, I want to create things, I’m not glamorous and will never be.”

Yes, Riley, anxiety gets the better of us. But don’t worry, it doesn’t define you. A little anxiety is good to guard is from harm or prepare us from challenges but it shouldn’t take control of who we are.

This is what Senator Riza Hontiveros has been telling the whole world: Chinese spies had been living among us and Duterte made it easier for them infiltrate the Philipoine government. Sen. Hontiveros’ research team has been harping about the fake mayor in Tarlac, who is a Chinese citizen and a spy by China’s Communist Party.

Whether these PLA uniforms are used for scams or they’re indeed members of PLA, the Philipoine government shouldn’t rest and leave the investigation hanging.

Even foreign media has uncovered the connection of “Alice Guo’s” father to CCP.

And what makes me angry is that Chinese military is already in Palawan, which is clearly ours. The fuckers!

I will never set foot again in mainland China. Nope. Last I was there was 10 years ago and what I brought home with me was a very bad strain of pneumonia.

If I still have that printing shop, I would have made a T-shirt with a print of the Kalayaan/Spratley’s islands and Palawan map and the words “West Philippine Sea is Ours!”

Meanwhile, my wound is covered with the only available medicated plaster at home.

I had to go out and buy transparent plasters for my trip to Ortigas since I have a meeting tomorrow. I can’t look stupid with a cartoon-printed plaster on my forehead!

I have to fill up my calendar with meetings and conferences before I disappear to Bohol. I need to produce 10 stories for July and one long piece. The coming month is traditionally dry in terms of stories in my experience and I don’t want to be scrambling for stories towards the end of the month, especially we have a moratorium on traveling for work these days. 

If I would spend from my own pocket to be able to set meetings, I would rather travel to Vietnam or Thailand because 1) it’s cheaper; 2) I need more contacts there. I could try Cambodia but it’s really not a big market for me. Before the coup, I intended to visit Myanmar as I have already met some contacts there. Oh well.

Maybe if I get my bonus, I’ll try to fly to Vietnam in 3Q or before the year ends.