“Because I love painting. I have to paint. I have always been a painter, that I know.”
“A born painter?”
“Yes.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I can’t do anything else, and believe me, I’ve tried.”
How painful is it when the only thing you know how to do and love to do suddenly leaves you?
Just like when I couldn’t write. It’s like the light has gone out in my world. Thank God I was able to write today. Two stories. I’m myself again.
More about that later.
The dialogue above is from the movie At Eternity’s Gate and I can’t find it on Netflix. Probably Google has it on Google TV…Ah I just looked. It’s not available in my country. Based on the trailer, it seems like Willem Dafoe was born to play Vincent Van Gogh. He looked believable. He was so good in this that he received his fourth Oscar nomination for this.
So now back to this writer’s block…It took an enormous amount of willpower to force myself to write today. Promptly at 9 am, I started to tap on my keyboard. The most difficult thing to write is the first sentence. In journalism, it’s the lead. Once you’ve done with it, everything else will follow.
I also willed myself to write because I know I will get fucked up if I can’t push this story out today. I know I will have more trouble writing if I push it for another day. And another. And another. Until it gets so bad that I won’t be able to write for months.
Good thing I was already done with the story when I attended the call with our global editor in the afternoon. I don’t know why I had to ask about that thing that drives me nuts about the hiring when I knew the answer already. Still I asked. I should have known that it will still be the same—what do I expect? 🤦♀️
It’s like I intentionally wanted to get hit by a train and watch the train wreck while squished between the wheels and the track.
I don’t know if there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.
Nah. This is just a fancy type of red grape juice from Spain. If I let it ferment in my fridge for a couple of years, I think it will become red wine. Until I get cleared by my GI specialist whom I would see on Thursday, I won’t drink any form of alcohol. But playing pretend helped me to get through today.
Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I know it’s bad to have meals in front of the computer but here I am, violating that rule.
Cold soba with tsuyu (from my Mitsukoshi stash) and kimchi for a vegetarian dinner. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I really needed a lot of help to get me focused on the task at hand today. It’s like pulling a tooth. At least I was able to push out another story today, co-written by two other colleagues. All I did today is 1) beg for the son/child of owner (COO) of a Southeast Asia conglomerate to grant me an interview but he demanded an F2F one so I need to fly to Singapore for that; 2) interview a candidate and administer tests to other candidates; 3) respond to a thousand emails. But I never got around to finishing that story today when I should have.
I am paralyzed. I can’t write anymore.
It was just like in 2014 when I quit my local news job and in 2021 when I was swimming in the depths of my depression.
I remember my therapist telling me it’s anxiety that kills my creativity so I keep pushing away tasks and procrastinate so much that I end up with too many backlogs. It’s anxiety that is keeping me from doing the very basic of things that used to be second nature to me.
I just had a chat with another bureau chief from another region and he is in the same boat: this hiring and staff shortage are killing us. It’s not our jobs to be HR managers. He was told to poach from other departments because we are freeze-hiring. And he tried some analysts for the journo gig but in the end, one analyst/journo candidate cried when he submitted his writing test. It turns out he can’t write. My colleague/fellow bureau chief said it was easier for him to rewrite the whole thing instead of editing it. It was that bad.
We are already too stretched. When I told him, “I said there’s no way I can hire the “quality” candidates they’re looking for,” he told me he almost burst out laughing in the coffee shop where he was working. Because the top people think we’re in the same league as the big media companies that candidates would make a beeline for us. Or that we can poach from them and the candidates would just come running to us and jump ship.
They’re so delusional.
It’s so taxing. I’m tired. He’s tired. All of us are.
We have lost many headcount and yet we are pressured to keep productivity and engagement at the same level. This is ridiculous.
Oh God, please me help write tomorrow. I can’t go on like this–the fight, flight, or freeze response to stress.
And then there are the nasty people who feel so entitled that they think it is imperative that we make a story about them or their company. They pester us for coverage when there are more important things to cover/more interesting things to feature/write about. Then when we can’t give them the immediate response, they turn nasty. HEY, WE DO NOT OWE YOU ANYTHING! If we do not return your correspondence in two months, that means your story is not compelling. Don’t harass us or throw us some attitude.
I remember a friend telling me about the same situation with a guy who pestered them for coverage for months. She granted that interview to shut him up after he showed an attitude. She told me no more interviews/favors to that person from now on.
X-mark, she said.
Some people can be so…
Hello! We’re not a free billboard for ads.
It’s only Tuesday but it feels like it has already been an eternity.
I could not pick up a pencil to draw. I’m drained emotionally. There’s just too much anger towards management. I just hope we can get through this desert. This is already too frustrating. We love what we do but this is just getting more ridiculous.
To relax myself. A Sting concertbefore I go to sleep. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I’ve come to dread Mondays since January. Today, however, was a bit easier for me ever since I told my boss I need to go easy on the hiring. If they start harping on it again, then I have to say something that they don’t want to hear.
Meanwhile, I was able to book 3 days, 2 night stay in a hotel in Ortigas for the Holy Week. I decided to do a staycation for that long weekend to 1) get away from this apartment for a bit; and 2) celebrate the twins’ birthday in advance. We can cool off in the pool without getting stuck in traffic because Metro Manila will flush out the rest of humanity during these dates. Good luck to everyone who will attempt to go out of town during the Holy Week. May the odds be in your favor. 😂
Once I’m settled in my new house after mid-May, damn it, I will go diving again. All my disposable income had been funneled into my tiny house and I have deprived myself of beach vacations for months.
My last dive, which wasn’t that great. Photo by Twin A.
I would love to bring the girls to Palawan before they start 7th Grade in their new school. I’ll just use my miles to shave off the cost of their plane tickets. I have a high school classmate who runs her Coron tours in which you can wake up to a new island every morning for a week. Or I can do a DIY island hopping for me and my girls.
Now that these tests are out of the way, I can concentrate on other tasks now such as scheduling my appointments with other doctors 😑 which is the hardest part.
I forgot to get my results 😑 before leaving for QC. But I guess they’re the same from last year. The fact that I suspect it was pancreatitis that pushed me to see doctors this weekend, it’s no doubt the trigger are my triglycerides that are likely much more elevated now. 🫠
I now have to prepare my own food since I have to lower my bad cholesterol and triglycerides…no more processed carbohydrates for me. Complex carbs and fish. Steamed, grilled, and broiled/boiled. Salmon, mackerel, tuna, and chicken. 😭 Sigh. I have to look for ways to make vegetables more appetizing. Sweet potatoes. I’ve already refrained from eating sweet stuff. I have to hoard smoked salmon when I see them.
Ageing is hard. But dying is harder. Choose your hard. 🚩
Back in the city. Waiting for Twin A who was having a haircut. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I wanted to drop by at Art Fair Manila this afternoon coming from the south but I had an inkling that people may be swarming the area. I just went straight home to do the usual weekend errands.
Good thing I listened to my gut feel. A journo posted on FB that it took him 15 mins to get out of the 3F parking area of Greenbelt 1. The volume of cars was more than the usual. He said it seemed like a lot of people don’t care about the 8.7% inflation rate. Or everyone went to Art Fair Manila, as one commenter said. 🤔 Hmmm, I haven’t realized that the local art scene has become more mainstream and is no longer the exclusive territory of the artsy fartsy crowd. I mean, that’s good. But then, there’s the sad reality that people go to art exhibits just to do their Tik Tok videos there and not to appreciate art, as one local artist lamented in a social media post. He/she caught some kids carelessly putting their stuff on his/her work so they can do their Tik Tok videos. 😢
I wish BDO would open up its art collection to the public because they are beautiful. I am only one of the few who got access to their collection when I attended one party there in 2018. I only was able to take a few photos of the paintings I liked for future reference. There were a lot to take in.
If I’m not mistaken, this is an Anita Magsaysay-Ho. A friend posted on FB an Anita Magsaysay-Ho painting that was sold for PHP 84.5m a few days ago 😶🌫️ Photo by CallMeCreation.comFernando Amorsolo. Photo by CallMeCreation.comAgain, if I’m not mistaken, this is a Manansala. I had a Manansala mosaic that I lost forever and ever in the old house. I think the girls’ dad took it to his province. 😭 Photo by CallMeCreation.com Photo by CallMeCreation.com This could be an Amorsolo, I think. Photo by CallMeCreation.com Now, this artist escapes me. Photo by CallMeCreation.com I never knew I would be drawn to Ang Kiukok, but I am. When I was young, I couldn’t “get” him and HR Ocampo. But the older I get, the more I appreciate Ang Kiukok’s art. Comedian Joey de Leon (who is also an fine artist) is a known collector of Ang Kiukok. Photo by CallMeCreation.com Another Ang Kiukok. I like the warm colors. Photo by CallMeCreation.com I know I wrote down the name of this artist because this doesn’t show any signature style of any national/well-known local artist. Now I can’t find it so I can’t identify this properly. But I like it just the same because this looks like something I would paint in the future. Photo by CallMeCreation.com Quite frankly, a lot of the paintings sold in Tiendesitas are imitating Zalameda so it’s hard to pick out this artist from the ones being sold everywhere. But I like the colors in this one. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Woke up early for this. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
So after a long absence, or rather, after years of not visiting my gynecologist, I finally put my big panties on and adulted. I am now taking an executive check up, so this morning I told her my medical history since 2017-ish (Covid delta when I bled too much during my prolonged menstrual period and my psychiatric therapy). Had my pelvic sonogram and pap smear taken, scheduling my sonomammogram and mammogram mid-March, and will have all my blood work and ECG done tomorrow.
Pelvic exam normal and nothing alarming so far, thank goodness.
After my tests are in, I would get referred to an IM specialist, depending on what results are out of whack. As I told her, based on the tests my psychiatrist asked me to have in 2021, my triglycerides, LDL and uric acid are through the roof and my only saving grace is that my fasting blood sugar is normal. My blood pressure is always normal, unlike the rest of my family that is suffering from hypertension and diabetes now.
Then I had referrals to a GI specialist (for my suspected pancreatitis) and a dermatologist/plastic surgery specialist to remove my osteoma. I need to schedule everything next week before I fly to Singapore in early March.
I must drive here mid-week for these—especially my visit to the GI specialist—because I can’t have another attack like that while abroad. If my pancreas is inflamed and I get sick in Singapore, that would be a very expensive trip.
I remember when I had a similar attack like that (because my gall bladder was already getting blocked by stones), I was immobile for two days before I finally brought myself to the surgeon. I didn’t bother with getting a GI opinion; I knew it was my gall bladder because I had an attack before and sonogram showed gall stones. It was so bad that the surgeon operated on me three days after as an emergency case (like they needed to clear the OR for me) because if I didn’t have it done ASAP, my gall bladder would have burst and I could have died.
True enough, the surgeon showed me the photo of my gall bladder, which looked like a dried up pitcher plant on the white operating table. Indeed, it was like a sack full of stones and one big stone was already blocking the opening towards the pancreas. No wonder I was so sick. But then, my surgeon had a macabre sense of humor… I DON’T KNOW if it was standard practice or not but he kept my stones in a glass bottle and gave it to me as a souvenir. 🫠
So this time, I don’t want to take chances. I must catch an illness before it becomes so advanced that it is already too late… Be it pseudocyst in the pancreas, cysts in the breast, or myoma—I need to catch it early.
I just finished some spillover work this morning and didn’t bother to help with the edits today. I NEED TO DISENGAGE.
So that’s what I did. By 2 pm after my girls have finished washing the dishes and cleaned the kitchen, we drove south to my hometown to catch the annual February Fair.
But we first checked my tiny house.
My bathroompendant lights are finally working. I finally have electricity. Photo by CallMeCreation.com The corner of the granite countertop for my lavatory needs trimmingor else I won’t be able to close the bathroom door. Photo by CallMeCreation.com Built-in shelves for the girls’ room. Their loft beds will be delivered next week. Photo by CallMeCreation.com Wall fan and curtain rods installed. Photo by CallMeCreation.com My walk-out closet. I have a bit of space above the closet for my luggage. Photo by CallMeCreation.com Kitchen almost done, with the powerful Rinnai rangehood already installed. Photo by CallMeCreation.com Dining area pendant lights look cute. Photo by CallMeCreation.com Another angle. Photo by CallMeCreation.com Double kitchen sink finally done. All I need is to be connected to the mains to have water.
Tomorrow I’ll take pics of the outside.
After our house tour, we walked to the fair grounds since it’s so near and it’s more of a hassle to bring the car.
Short cut to the park/fair grounds. We used to call this The Dirt Road but it’s no longer a dirt road since it’salreadya fully concrete road now.I used this road a lot to run to my 7 am comm and humanitiesclasses. And computer science class. Why did I even have 7 am classes? 🤦♀️ Photo by CallMeCreation.comWalk, walk, walk… Photo by CallMeCreation.com Early evening at the park. Photo by CallMeCreation.com Inside the fair grounds. Of course, anime. Photo by CallMeCreation.com Cosplayers, to the delight of my girls. Photo by CallMeCreation.com At the concert grounds. Photo by CallMeCreation.com Live music. Photo by CallMeCreation.com My girls are enjoying their first open air concert. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Tomorrow I have to wake up early to queue at my gynecologist’s clinic: Mammogram, pap smear, order for executive check up and referral to a gastroenterologist. AND I might as well go all the way, have my osteoma checked by another specialist and schedule for removal.
