I don’t believe that mumbo-jumbo this socmed influencer is saying in the captions. The fuck! I forgot to buy my pills to stabilize my estrogen and I’ve been off it for a week and now I’m so unhinged. My menstrual cycle is out of sync (it came back after 10 days), I have pimples, I’m bloated, and my mental capacity is zero. I was unproductive last Friday and I couldn’t figure out why. It was really basura day.

Then I suffered from debilitating headaches on Friday and yesterday. Then I bled. And bled. I’m aching all over. I wanted to kill somebody in the past two days. Oh Lord, save me from myself. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I walked to the weekend market this morning to get out of this funk that I’m in. It did help for a while but here I am, back to my aches and murderous intent.

After almost a half year, I’m back to long distance walking.

Plantar fasciitis be damned. I went out to walk again, about 3.5 km for an hour, after shopping for veggies and my pills from TGP. I needed to beat this sluggishness, irritability, and depression due to drop in estrogen with some serotonin boost from exercise. 

I did everything on foot—from going to the weekend market, to going to church, veggie shopping, and a trip to the pharmacy—I need to keep my body moving. I need to keep the headaches at bay because they’re just unbearable.

I can’t do anything about the nightsweats but I can take melatonin so I can sleep well. When I was in HK in February, I remember it was 11 degrees C and I saw some locals in puffer vests while I was sweating in my thin Uniqlo shirt. That’s how absurd my perimenopause symptoms were. Not a night passes by when I don’t wake up at 3 am because of too much sweating and it’s so hard to get back to sleep. Then I have to wake up again at 5 am to prepare my children’s lunch and breakfast.

My circadian rhythm is out of whack. Everything is out of whack. The bad thing is that the symptoms last for years until you hit menopause. 😵‍💫

Oooh my back hurts!

Today is basura day.

I was at an event at One Ayala last Wednesday to say hi to a CEO and stalk one source. I only stayed for a bit because I needed to bounce to a cocktail event in Shangri-la BGC. The distance is less than 4 km and the drive normally takes 12 mins.

But nhoooooo… That drive took me more than an hour! The entire McKinley Rd from Edsa to 5th Ave was frozen! 😭

Suffice to say I was really late to the BGC event.

Christmas rush is already here. 🫠

I got home at 12 midnight. 😵‍💫 Then I drove back to Makati yesterday (Thursday) to have dinner with some editors and some executives of the company that hosted the dinner.

The traffic is the same: horrible.

I wanted to browse a bit but…

I’m tired.

I took time off yesterday because I didn’t sleep from Sunday night until the rains abated at 5 am Monday. The winds were still strong, the tailend of Typhoon Uwan.

The editor from the land of bubblegum pop, however, was lacking in tact and I didn’t like how she took my emergency leave. Like she was saying I was already off for more than a week and then I’m off again. I told her I worked my ass off last week. It’s just that today the government has declared a national state of calamity. Let me rest.

I complained to a Pinoy colleague that this is the problem with people who have never experienced catastrophe upon catastrophe: they lack empathy. I think people from the land of bubblegum pop do lack that because they’re so comfortable in their world that they forget that people outside their bubble struggle immensely.

Now the Caraballo and Cordillera mountain ranges are tearing apart the Cat 4 typhoon’s center.

I guess the worst is over for us here in the south as Uwan weakens. We still have power and water pressure. Batangas and Cavite are not doing well though. Some Transco lines are down.

Praying for those in the north.

The typhoon has yet to land on Aurora province but we’re now experiencing very strong wind that is now whistling. Come evening it would be howling.

After church service at noon, I went out to buy fresh veggies and fruits. Then I saw the street dogs. I went to 7-eleven and bought dog food packs to feed them. They will have a very rough night ahead of them.

I was thinking of driving around the campus to feed stray cats but the winds are getting more violent.

I have to decide now if I should go or not. While there is still little daylight.

It’s cold outside. I hope all the stray animals are ok. 🙁

We’ve also prepared old clothes for donation.

I remembered that it’s the 12th anniversary of Typhoon Haiyan (Yolanda). The catastrophe that taught me how to read satellite images and gave me PTSD.

@kmjs

Ngayong araw, ginugunita ang ika-12 na annibersayo ng pananalasa ng bagyong Yolanda sa Pilipinas. Libo-libong buhay ang nawala dahil sa trahedya. Panoorin ang buong ulat DITO: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UpaR3s7LMJo&t=488s

♬ original sound – Kapuso Mo, Jessica Soho – Kapuso Mo, Jessica Soho

I started publishing reports about Haiyan when it was just a Cat 3 typhoon in the Pacific. I didn’t sleep overnight when it made landfall as I kept publishing reports from the ground. I keep getting feeds from broadcast colleagues who were there before the typhoon landed.

I stationed myself at Villamor Airbase, reporting on the relief efforts and the evacuation of those who had nowhere to go. I was thinking of joining the other journalists who were allowed to fly in a C160 but feedback from colleagues made me think I wouldn’t be able to do much reporting because I won’t have a land vehicle.

I was the first one to report about the storm surge that hit Robinsons Tacloban as I was getting info from the ground while I was in Manila.

When I finally got my editor’s go signal, I drove from my mom’s house and left my babies with them. I drove for 13 hrs straight to reach Sorsogon. I dropped dead in an inn near the port. I was with my ex-husband and a friend who worked with a Japanese NGO, carrying a generator, relief goods, our own food and supplies. The next day we drove for another 12 hrs or so to stop in Catbalogan and proceeded to Tacloban and met some TV colleagues. For two weeks we drove around Samar-Leyte giving aid (with some local church-based charity org and my own network’s foundation), and searching for and writing stories.

I talked to first responders and the horrors—oh the horrors that greeted them when they crossed San Juanico bridge. Interview upon interviews, documentation upon documentation. Non-stop.

No wonder the stereotype of heavy drinking, chainsmoking journalists pervade public consciousness. It’s how we cope with traumas and extremely stressful situations. During those weeks on Ground Zero I wanted to chainsmoke and drink myself to death.

The stench of rotting humans and animals stayed with me for months and months. It wreaked havoc in my brain. I couldn’t write for six months.

I was so depressed but I didn’t know it at that time. Reporters Without Borders already warned journalists that we who went straight to disaster zones should be debriefed. There was an article about journalists who covered the Banda Aceh disaster/tsunami suffering from PTSD. I ignored it, thinking that I’m not going to be affected.

Wrong.

Such hubris.