The place was pretty but it is still a work in progress. Overnight accommodations are still being constructed and some areas are still being developed.

Since we had reservations, we were shown immediately to the spa area and had our welcome drinks. Then had our 1.5-hr massage. The girls had their hour-long hot bath in the large kawa.

The massage was mehhh—can be better. Not worth the PHP 1,800 my older sister paid for (1.5 hrs massage). She and my mom had better luck since they were happy with their therapists. The kawa bath (PHP 750 for 1 hr) was not as hot as Lasema’s, my girls said. Maybe the staff dialed down the fire because they were underaged and didn’t know my girls grew up going to jjimjilbang so they are used to really hot tubs.

The lunch was a happier affair though.

We went back to Lumban to buy a barong or Filipiniana top.

I decided to have a handpainted organza top that I can put over a black dress or blouse + skirt (or pants) combo since I always wear black anyway. This is more versatile.

I always knew that the terno or butterfly sleeves won’t look good on me. I opted to have one made with 3/4 flat bell sleeves.

Why did I go for the handpainted one? It’s easier to pack when I travel and I don’t have to iron it. Embroidered terno or barong needs to be ironed well or else the embroidery will look bad.

And now, I have to go back to sleep as I would be driving to Mall of Asia later today.

After Christmas church service this morning, I got busy in the kitchen because I had to cook for 12 people, four of them males with big appetites.

I had no choice but to grill on my doorstep because it was raining nonstop today. My balcony had been useless for a week now  because everything is wet.

While I was busy cooking up a storm, the cousins played parlor games in my mom’s house. They had fun while each player got richer by a thousand pesos after the games ended. The rest of the afternoon was spent eating, drinking, and playing PS5 games.

Tomorrow I will be driving to Las Caidas Wellness Resort for some much-needed relaxation.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Las Caidas Wellness Resort (@lascaidaswellnessresort)

Merry Christmas!

My bffs dropped by yesterday, one quickly gave us her gifts as they made their Santa Claus rounds, while the other brought her kids and had an afternoon meal with us. I cooked sotanghon soup yesterday, which was a hit with my friend’s kids. It was a perfect dish for a cool and rainy December day.

And I played the PS for two hours last night, WRC 10 and Sonic Frontiers. I realized I wasted money on Worms because I didn’t realize what I purchased was an emulator for PS1 version. It was so pixelated that I couldn’t play it. It was beyond redemption.

My mom, meanwhile, wanted to go to a mall on the 27th—just because. So ok, I need to brace my legs for the loooooonnngggg drive to Metro Manila for her and to buy Twin A a guitar using her savings.

I’m still on the fence with the new TV…

Oh well, got to prepare for the all-day cooking today.

---

My solar lights are not working because the sun hasn’t come out for days now. It’s always wet and the northeasterly winds are bringing cooler air. We stopped using our aircon because the temperatures have started dropping. It’s already 24 degrees at 7 pm and yesterday it was 23.

The weather is perfect for curling up in bed with a book.

But nope, I had to tick off the items in my to-do list so yesterday I had my outside kitties fixed. We had our roving vet come again to our house to neuter Socks and spay Gorilla. We initially thought Gorilla was pregnant because of her bulging tummy but I was hopeful she wasn’t because her tummy didn’t get bigger week after week. I didn’t want a spay-abort situation. 😢

The vet said Gorilla was just fat. She examined her first by feeling her tummy and doc said it was empty. Just pure fat. When the vet opened her up (side-slit), it was confirmed that her ovaries were young and eggs have yet to come out, therefore, Gorilla has yet to go into heat. Doc said she had to cut through a thick layer of fat.

So, baby girl, we are just both fat! 🤣

As for Socks, he also hasn’t been in heat so we were just in time. It would have been tragic if he started chasing female cats and never come home again.

Their recovery was quick too. They were still very groggy last night but they started nibbling at their kibbles at around 11 pm.

So whew! I’m done with the kitties. I still have two more strays to trap, neuter, and release (TNR). I need to keep doing this to keep the stray population down in our area.

I had a chat with out neighbor yesterday after I told them about the loud meowing in their house next to my yard. I thought there was a cat trapped inside an empty house. He said, ah, that is a cat house! The cat I heard was protesting because he was being forced to go inside the cat house since it’s already getting dark. He said they have a thousand cats under their care. So that house that I thought was empty was actually a cat house!

So the one that I’ve been seeing from my window is a different cat house. I can’t imagine the amount of work and money needed to keep these cats alive.

Taking care of two indoor cats, two permanent resident outdoor kitties, their mommy cat who pops in every meal time, a bully white and orange male cat, and one or two occasional strays is already expensive. Imagine the cost of having 1,000 cats!

As I mentioned in my last post, around this time four years ago I was in a different plane of existence. The pain I carried was so unbearable; it seemed like I couldn’t see the light at end of the tunnel.

These days I sit contentedly in my small living room, marveling at the dark and cool December morning outside my window. I reflect on the painful and arduous journey I had to be where I am now.

Four years ago I couldn’t imagine I would be where I am now. I’m getting better and I can say I’ve healed but I still got a lot to work on. Like for example, when I was in Singapore last month, I had a dream where J was trying to butter me up for whatever reason, trying to flirt with me, which made me so uncomfortable. I thought he was trying to win points because he needed something, to use me again. Then I discovered on his phone that he was doing the same thing to several women, including the one who bullied me in high school.

I pushed him back and screamed at him, threw invectives that I should have thrown at him when I had a chance four years ago. I spewed all my pent-up fury that I didn’t realize that I still had inside.

When I woke up, I was sweating and my heart was pounding. I only slept for 4 hrs that day.

That was a sign that I am not ready to cross paths with him and this world is so small. I encountered some people who knew him and some knew about the sexual harassment case lodged against him that’s why he was fired. Suffice to say people in his former firm aren’t happy that he still moving about in the same space.

That got me thinking again. The thought entered my head before that the reason why he jumped at the chance to transfer here in the Philippines and left Singapore in a huff was because he knew he would get fired because of that case. Not because he wanted to be with me. I was just an instrument who enabled his escape, an exit option.

How gullible I was. 🤦🏻‍♀️

So maybe, what I need to work on is I need to learn how to forgive myself for being gullible and for making that mistake of giving so much to a person who duped me into thinking he cared. I put him first before my children. That guilt probably hasn’t been washed away, I guess.

So while I am working on myself, I vowed I will never put anyone before my children ever again. That was made clear to me in August last year.

When I was praying for guidance, a voice told me that I should focus more on my children and not on things that have come to pass and things that are yet to happen or may not happen. When my eyes opened, I saw Twin A for what she is now—losing weight rapidly. She’s so gaunt and weak. Despite the multivitamins and guarding her calorie intake, she has not improved since our last visit to the pediatrician.

And now that I’ve learned how to love myself and love the life I have now (except for my boss), I know now that I shouldn’t chase butterflies and rainbows by having a partner. I can have peace and contentment this way. I just have to forgive myself for falling for a person who just used me and didn’t care a fig about me. I attribute that to my being unwell. I wasn’t in a good place that time. I haven’t healed from the trauma of my marriage when I jumped into a relationship that I thought would heal me.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. In so many levels. That’s how children of divorces end up getting screwed growing up. So much pain and wounds get inflicted when the mother jumps into a relationship quickly and force the children to have a relationship with a stranger and expect to form a family. It’s a selfish move on the mom’s part, in my opinion and I fell into that rut.

But of course, I can’t fault moms in my position then because we want to feel loved and validated. But that really creates more problems because you need to grow and love yourself first at the same time you need to love your children while they grow. You grow with your children. I had to walk through hell before learning that.

So yes, I’ve come so far from where I was 4 years ago. I need to forgive myself to have complete healing. Until then, I’m not yet ready to encounter my demon in person.

I had been busy cooking and cleaning as I hosted lunch for my bffs. Exchanged gifts and quick stories. Then my house was invaded by kids—my daughters and their friends who are hanging out in our house.

It’s better that I have these kids in my house rather than worry where my kids are during their free time. That’s why I figured I needed a bigger screen because they are here at least twice a week.

Let me figure this out until next week. I’m still deciding if I should book a hotel for the New Year’s countdown in Makati or in the new Solaire Casino Resort in QC. Neyo will be performing and do the countdown there.

---

Two days ago, four years back, I was so gutted. Every year since then I also did my count up (not down). This year I completely forgotten all about it.