I sent my letter to my manager and APAC head, asking for a meeting to discuss the terms of freelancing for my company. I told them that this is the best course to take, given the circumstances (which I didn’t elaborate).

I am suprisingly calm. I don’t know why. I should be freaking out since this would put me on unsure footing when the world could be descending into another world war. This time it could be nuclear.

But I am placid. I’m still going about my usual business—writing and editing stories, engaging with sources, directing reporters…like nothing has changed.

Maybe I feel calm because I am no longer weighed by the problem of keeping my reporters afloat. I had been carrying less skilled reporters on my shoulders for years. I’m waiting for them to level up but it never came. Maybe I feel free now that I have washed off my responsibility of keeping them from losing their jobs. I had been trying to keep them from being fired or have their contracts changed because they could not meet their KPIs.

Imagine, I’ve been conducting interviews with them, to guide them so that they will have stories to file. I am the one scrounging for stories for them (asking for interviews on behalf of the reporters) if they’re struggling to get stories. I draft the guide questions to ask the interviewees, hoping that after that, they will know what to ask the next time they bag interviews. Hoping that I won’t be struggling when I edit their stories due to lack of pertinent information. I needed to fill the gaps so they can produce stories. Meeting the quotas is on me.

And yet… They couldn’t level up. It’s a skills problem. No matter how much I push them, this is the best that they can do.

I get clobbered when they commit small and big booboos. I get penalized when we get legal threats for their lack of regard for compliance rules. 

On top of this, I needed to meet my own KPIs.

On top of being a solo mom, cook, and cleaning lady.

I can’t do it anymore. Something’s gotta give.

So tomorrow, I will have that virtual meeting. I just have to lay down my cards and tell them, hey, I did my best. It wasn’t just good enough.

Whelp! That escalated pretty quickly. I was just about to sign up for a forum discussing the what-would-be scenarios once the retaliatory tariffs kick in July then this shit drops on me—on us.

As I have said before, Trump wants the Depression era to come alive again. Then America goes to war.

Don’t be surprised if the Empire State building or White House itself become the target of suicidal jets.

Went plant shopping with Twin I to give my staircase some pockets of joy. I have moved the unruly yellow bell downstairs because it was dangerously blocking the path to my front door.

I will transplant it on the ground next week, if weather permits.

Now my balcony and stairs feel barren.

I only limited myself to PHP 1,000 worth of plants. I need to be judicious with my spending from now on until I get a semblance of stability with the changes I will be implementing in the next few months.

I also bought this climbing beauty.

I also cleaned up my messy desk, which reflected my mental state: chaotic and frenetic. Hoping the clean-up will help clear the cobwebs in my brain by Monday.

Looking at my neat room calms me.

My mom has been nagging me about substituting white rice with brown rice. But that thing tastes like darak, which makes the eating experience sad. Whenever she sees me, she keeps on harping about brown rice.

I’m the only sibling left who is not taking metformin or some other medication related to blood sugar. Genetics sucks. My PCOS is making it worse or it’s the cause of insulin resistance aside from my genetic predisposition.

But what the heck, I should divorce rice. *sigh* I have rice in my fridge right now to bring down the glycemic index. I will just reheat that later for the kids. I guess whole wheat bread for me today.

I just had been endorsed by my gynecologist to an endocrinologist, who happens to be a high schoolmate of mine, just two years ahead of me. This should be interesting.

Not yet done with mammogram, breast ultrasound and pelvic ultrasound.

One of my errands today brought me to the main university library, which I haven’t visited in 25 years.

It’s just how I remembered it; the musty smell of old books and narra tables.

I don’t remember being able to study here but I do remember falling asleep at one of the desks at the third floor when I was researching stuff for my thesis. 

Ooh boy, I took a nap and it turns out it’s not a nap. I woke up it’s already dark and I have a nasty headache.

I just had my flu shot, so now I feel sick.

I was supposed to see my doctor today but the blood chem results weren’t available in time. I forgot to claim it as well because I thought the lab will email it to me. 🙄

So, that means my visit to my doctor will happen on Friday. 😑

I am down to my last two and a half days of my leave and I haven’t gone anywhere. The low pressure area that is bringing all that rain has curtailed any activity that involves long drives. Diving is out of the question as boats will not go out into the open sea with a weather like this.

Even a visit to Manila to fix my birth certificate has been pushed back because the delivery of my documents from my first lawyer was delayed. This also meant that the trip to Ongpin and Binondo to see the gold market is off, too.

What have I done so far? Helped one of my bffs to buy her gifts to her jury. She will be bringing these to Europe when she leaves next month. We’re working on the assumption that she will be defending her dissertation by September—that is if there are no more revisions required. Hopefully by December she will obtain her PhD.

I’ve been staying local, going around, running errands.

I met another bff in her office at our undergrad college to deliver her the Lilo & Stitch goods I bought for her in KL.

I tried getting the feel of it, you know, if there is a spark. If there is a desire to go back to academe. So far I haven’t felt anything.

It’s still the joy of being out in the field and writing stories about the people I talk to… That’s the one that keeps my blood running. I’m so torn.

I have very limited number of leave of absence days so I must use them wisely. This morning though, instead of enrolling my kids for the following school year, I had to help one of my bffs because her car wouldn’t start after it was left unused in her garage for several months while she was in Belgium. I had to come to her without showering first because I know I’m going to be messed up after jump-starting her car.

I pushed her car out of her garage while she steered so its nose would be near my car’s nose. I pulled out my jumper cables. Pulled out my phone to review a Youtube video about jump-starting a car. With the help of an Italian neighbor, we tried jump-starting it… But the cables started smoking! I quickly took off the cables and my car key. Thank God my car is fully manual, its electricals didn’t get fried.

Went to some auto shops to ask if a mechanic can come with us to help jumping the car. We hired one, who pulled my car battery to bring it close to my friend’s car battery and powered the latter with a pair of wrenches. It worked but we had to recharge the battery by revving the engine. It slowly recharged but the power was not enough to start it again and again.

In the end, bff had to call Motolite for a delivery of a brand new car battery. The car battery guy told us that we won’t be able to recharge her car because the voltage was so low or zero, it may have become damaged. You do not let your car battery go zero.

I told bff she or somebody may have left the interior lamp/light left on for a long time and drained the battery the entire time she was in Belgium.

A high school classmate whom I called for help also didn’t know how to jump-start. After some time searching in the interwebs, he found the reason for the smoking jumper cables: I left my car key in the ignition. There shouldn’t be a key in the ignition when you are placing the clips on the battery terminals.

Ugh. I cannot emphasize this enough—being fully manual lets me live longer. No short-circuits. 🥹

After the dead battery drama this morning, I brought Kimchi to the vet hospital to have her anal glands expressed because she started getting stinky again.