I’m done.

After my manager and regional head scolded me after my presentation today, our global head talked to me. I told her I wanted to quit. Not with the limited skillset that some of my team members have. I can’t keep carrying their weight. I’m trying to plug holes with what superhuman effort I can do. It’s not enough.

She agreed that I am overwhelmed and she said sorry that she wasn’t able to see I was already drowning and needed help. She said I’m already stretched too thinly. She said it’s equivalent to handling five bureaus that I need to be on top of, aside from trying to bridge the skills gap of my people.

I told her I saw a therapist when it was already too tough to remain sane and I need to go back and see a therapist again with the way things are going. I said I will go on medical leave next week.

She said she will talk to me tomorrow to draw a game plan. I will tell her that after 6 months I will quit and go on a freelamce mode and have somebody else manage the team. I have already exhausted everything and my efforts weren’t enough because it’s already the best that they can do given the limited skills they have. I’m working with I have, with whatever I’ve inherited. Hanggang dito na lang talaga, wala nang ibubuga.

I’m done.

I have six months to find something else to do. In the meantime, I will go on freelance mode.

My mental health is more important.

It started with ICE in full combat gear and gas masks rounding up staff of a neighborhood Italian restaurant in LA.

Then the citizens fought back.

Trump wants chaos and calls in the national guard. The world watches in disbelief as rhe US collapses on itself. .

My cousin had to bring my mentally retarded uncle back to the Philippines last week. We cannot risk ICE hurting my defenseless uncle. ICE doesn’t care whether you have proper papers or not—as long as you’re not white, you’re vulnerable.

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Waiting to board flight to Kuala Lumpur. The trip I dread the most. The minutes tick and my trepidation grows.

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Flight got delayed because the plane had come from Indonesia before landing in Manila. It got held up in Jakarta. I got out of the airport at around 1 pm, jumped into KLIA Express, which only took 28 mins to reach KL Sentral. I was hungry so I took a bite at the central station.

I browsed in some of the shops a bit, just to see if it’s cheaper here or in Manila.

Yep, it is. The Garnier Sakura Glow Ceramide serum cream that I had been searching for in every Watsons branch I encountered back home is only around PHP 395 (MYR 30) at Guardian here in KL. In Manila it’s around PHP 500+. Of course I had to grab one jar.

Then there were books. Lots of books for only MYR 10.

I think these are local reprints that’s why they’re cheap.

I was intrigued and I was tempted to buy. However, I knew I wouldn’t read it so I just left the thing in peace.

We discussed this in our Literature class in second year high school (Asian Lit). Aside from Mahabharata and Ramayana, we also tackled Rabindranath Tagore, Kalidasa, Matsuo Bashō, etc.

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I was awakened by the NDRRMC phone alarm that warned us of possible landslides due to category orange to red rainfall. It was kind of hard to go back to a peaceful sleep after that.

It was an inconvenience for me, who is nestled between a lake and a mountain and landslides are not much of a concern for the past 46 years. But it is a life-saving warning to those who are clinging on cliffs on the eastern board.

I’m hoping for a respite in two weeks because that’s when I plan to go on leave and go diving and camping.

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The death of GenX creatives

I identify as GenX, or to be more precise, a Xennial — a sub-generation sandwiched between elder GenXers and Millennials. I lived through rotary phones, Kurt Cobain, and MySpace/Multiply.

I started life thinking I can live being a creative my entire life. I naively believed that creatives have a place in this world and somehow the world will find value in us. Yes, we don’t get paid much but at least our spirits are fed.

But this article from The New York Times (one of the reasons why I haven’t cancelled my subscription yet), hit me like a punch to the gut as it encapsulates the pain and sorrow of creatives of my generation feel.

The loss of ABS-CBN (more political in nature though) and eventual sale of its assets and the closure of an institution like Philippine Daily Inquirer (the broadsheet) are the realities we are facing now. Those two institutions were the benchmarks of local media some years ago. It was like when you were working for these two media companies, more or less you will have a job for a loooooonnnnnggg time. Everybody wanted to get into ABS and PDI.

I had classmates in college who went into ad agencies and other corporate creative work. I wonder how they are faring now…😔

I know two photographers—classmates from high school—who have been let go from their jobs in an international institution. One remained jobless until his wife died and the other lives on the gig economy.

I am one of the lucky few who still has a well-paying job (by industry standards) but even I need to pivot. I need to retrain in analytics to be relevant.

This partly answers my question whether I should stick it out and suffer my boss or jump into the abyss, into the unknown for creatives like me. Will I be exchanging my life of daily stress from my manager to daily stress of having to work at the bottom of the barrel (because I would have to start from scratch) in a corporate setting with no soul at all?

Well my work now is soulless but at least I get to use my skill and it’s something I think I’m good at.

Aside from lost income, there is the emotional toll — feelings of grief and loss — experienced by those whose careers are short-circuited. Some may say that the Gen X-ers in publishing, music, advertising and entertainment were lucky to have such jobs at all, that they stayed too long at the party. But it’s hard to leave a vocation that provided fulfillment and a sense of identity. And it isn’t easy to reinvent yourself in your 50s, especially in industries that put a premium on youth culture.

The New York Times

Maybe, just maybe, salvation is in the hands of Gen Z and Gen Alpha (my kids). These kids are digging through their dad’s (and my) collection of DVDs and CDs and asked if we could buy players to play these (because DVD-ROMs have been eradicated). They’re tired of the “instantness” of everything. Twin A (and the rest of her generation) bought a second-hand digital camera online while Twin I asked for her tita’s functioning but hibernated Fujifilm. They wanted go to thrift shops and dig through vinyl records. They’re asking for money so they can watch plays — live with crude setups.

Just as this new generation pushed back against the Duterte-Marcos paradigm during the last elections, these kids may find ways to destroy the poison that we GenXers and older Millennials have created to kill us slowly. With Bam and Kiko topping the senatoriables (and Heidi almost clinching the last spot), Vico kicking the butts of the established political families of Pasig at the polls, I can say the kids are doing all right.

Just as this guy on Facebook said:

Streaming is dead, according to Disney executives. And I can see why.

Every major studio stripped down all of their revenue streams in favor of streaming, trying to compete with Netflix and Hulu. They invested billions into content, software, hardware, and marketing and advertising, and it’s still not nearly as profitable as the days of big theatrical releases and home video.

When someone can pay $15/month to access the entire Disney catalog, including new release movies just weeks after they hit theaters, why would they buy a movie ticket? Why would they rent a movie on VOD, or buy a DVD? They’ve got the entire Disney catalog at their fingertips for one price.

It’s not sustainable. It’s not profitable. And in my eyes, the streaming bubble has burst. Netflix is the new Cable TV, and the movie studios need to go back to what they do best, creating great movie experiences for audiences and selling tickets and making money on individual movie releases instead of a one price for all approach.

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Yup, just as I predicted, the rest of the week was going to be marked with rainy afternoons and evenings. My sis-in-law lamented that we haven’t gone to the beach but the southwest monsoon is already upon us. 😔

I was supposed to clean out my yard by bringing my recyclables and old appliances to the junk shop but the rain kept me from doing anything of that sort. So I just brought Twin I’s PC tower to the repair shop because the power was erratic.

I thought it was a faulty power supply because not enough power was coursing through the motherboard. The technican said the motherboard may be cooked.

When he pulled out the mobo, he was flabbergasted to see how dirty it was. After some thorough cleaning, the mobo finally booted. 😮‍💨

I already cleaned the innards of that pc tower and I even opened the power supply to brush and vacuum clean it before bringing it to the shop. But I didn’t have the courage to pull out the mobo because I was scared I won’t able to put it back.

Simple cleaning = PHP 1,750 🤦🏻‍♀️

When I got home, I immediately cleaned Twin A’s pc. I don’t want to be paying so much for something I can do. I figured out a way how to clean the mobo and cooling fan without pulling these out.

Another errand that I needed to do today was to have my girls’ bikes overhauled. Our bikes had been sitting in my mom’s garage for two years since we moved here and I didn’t have the time to attend to these.

Now, I had to do it because 1) Twin I was wearing me down with her constant “Mommy, when are you going to have our bikes fixed?”; and 2) so that my girls would have something do aside from having their noses shoved against their screens while I’m away in Malaysia next week.

For two hours, they worked on the bikes—changed so many parts (including new wheels), indexed the gears, tuned them up, and cleaned all parts. I also bought new accessories like bells, headlamps and tail lights because the old ones are already shite.

I’ll have mine fixed after I get back from Malaysia. 😉

I wrote two stories yesterday from this conference and I’m working on more related articles. But for today I decided to take a break and just stay at home and chat with my sources and reach out to more sources in Malaysia.

So here I am, loafing around the house, constantly on my phone, messaging people like crazy. Tomorrow, I drive back early again to catch up on some sessions, because you know, I will learn a new thing or two.

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Fuck work.

I logged off at 6 pm, put on my running/walking gear and just walked for several km. I need to detach myself from work, thoughts of my boss, thoughts of reporters who go incommunicado. I’m tired of chasing people who do not appreciate all the grace I’ve given them. I’m not a doormat.

It has been a while since I had exercised. I realized that I’m no longer that sprite that I was 10 years ago. I needed a week of rest at home after an overseas trip to recharge my social battery. I know I have gained a lot of weight as a result but I just couldn’t push myself too much after stressing all day at work.

Detach. Detach. Detach.

I really need to physically detach myself from work. Physically leave my desk, my room, my house. Perhaps I should start working in that co-working place inside the uni campus.

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