I drove my 20-year-old car to BGC today. It was smooth and trouble-free—it feels new. Sort of. Or I’m just convincing myself not to let go of this car and I don’t need a new one…
Aggh! My toxic trait is that I don’t know when to let go. And that has gotten me so much grief and unnecessary strife.
I have gone to BGC today to interview a visiting CEO and I’m quite excited to write the story.
I got my mojo back. ❤️
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Why is there truth in what this recruiter is saying?! It explains why I had a burnout and led me to quit my manager position and shifted back to an individual contributor position.
Middle management = buffer between your team of individual contributors and management who whip you to deliver the numbers. The higher you go up the ladder, the more the optics are valued rather than your skill. Middle managers who care quit or get burned out. Those who don’t care that much but are good at “yes, ma’am, yes sir” are the ones promoted to management position. On this level, it matters how you make yourself look good and how you as an individual delivered the numbers without acknowledging that it’s a team effort. The higher you go, the more that it becomes more high school-ish. The popular kids get all the free pass to the top echelons.
Now I know why I quit being a manager. I was beating myself up for days, thinking I was a bad manager. No, it is how the system is set up. I wanted to be different by being kind and helpful. I just cared about my team when I shouldn’t. I was the buffer/shield and shields don’t last long.
Stretching myself too thinly without the resources so I try to fill the gaps.
I remember when our APAC boss scolded me after my presentation, she said why did you present the negative stuff? You should be talking about how great the bureau is and be positive!
Basically, I should lie through my nose and pretend things are rosy when they’re not.
There is a disconnect and I don’t know how I can survive with this disconnect. Ah well, I didn’t survive so I quit. You can’t survive this game if you want to be a maverick. You will always get frustrated because you want to be true.
I don’t want this game.
I had one of the most harrowing—if not the most harrowing driving experience I had—last weekend. I stalled along Quezon Ave because of an unresponsive clutch and of course, transmission.
Prior to going to Metro Manila, I had already had the clutch fixed and changed. Or so I thought. Friday, I had my clutch adjusted because it was suspiciously going deeper and was not “biting” so I had a hard time shifting gears.
The “mechanic” adjusted it.
The following day, I drove my mom to QC for some kind of reunion with her undergrad classmates. I had my kids with me and we went to UP Town Center so they can hang out with their grade school best friend.
When we were about to fetch my mom, we got stalled and barricaded from entering the UP Diliman campus because of the Pride Parade. They closed off major gates.
It took me an hour to get to my mom and we took the long way to Teachers Village to bring back the twins’ friend to her home. By that time, I was already feeling the looseness of the clutch pedal and that the gear stick is getting harder to use.
We were already in Quezon Ave when I felt that the gear stick was frozen and that my clutch was getting nowhere. I stopped by a gas station to ask for a mechanic but he had gone home, they said.
I struggled but was able to make it a few more meters and luckily I was able to get a hold of two mechanics in a Shell gas station. They were about to go home but got held up because they were waiting for their friends to pick them up for a birthday party. Guardian angels were looking out for us.
Long story short, they were able to diagnose the problem and did a quick fix so we could go home.
On SLEX, everything was smooth. But then when we exited at Calamba, that’s when I felt the gear stick freezing again and the clutch wouldn’t bite. I was pushing and pushing my luck for 15 km or so until I reached the junction going the main ave leading to our university campus.
Then a bus blocked us when we were about to turn right so we had to stop and go neutral. That’s when I lost it. My clutch and my gear stick were no longer communicating. I screamed and cried. I was just holding in all the tension I felt and I was clutching on to a thin sliver of sanity for five hours so I would not panic. Panicking will not help us all.
But then it was all too much. I had to let it all out. And by some miracle my stick shifted after pumping the clutch pedal so much. I drove all the way home on second gear. I turned off the engine, shifted the gear to Reverse and then turned on the engine so I can reverse and park properly.
My mom said, she cannot live worrying that something similar will happen to me again when I drive back to Manila. “You have to buy a new car immediately.”
So here I am, vacillating between Toyota Raize, photo above, (cute, high ground clearance but has a very small trunk and 5-seater only) and Toyota Avanza (7-seater, large cargo space but has low ground clearance).
I paid xxx pesos to reserve either models and told the sales agent that I will be making cash payment a week or two later once I sold my Crosswind because parking is an issue.
The car is now running smoothly after the clutch and brake repair.
I now have second thoughts about selling this Crosswind. It breaks my heart… I’m being a sentimental idiot, I know.
But this thing is built like a tank. It has been with me through one of the strongest typhoons on this planet and carried me to Ground Zero. I’ve plowed through Metro Manila floods without fear. It has been with me halfway across the country. I know all its aches and pains.
I have to let it go. Let go…
My sister rented this resort so she and her friends can have a drinking party in private last night. Today we’re taking advantage of it as everyone had gone. My girls, my mom, and I
All of this just to ourselves.
It has four large rooms that can accommodate one family per room. With a spacious kitchen and dining area. There’s a billiard table at the lounge upstairs.
Best part, I have the karaoke all to myself. 🤣
In a nutshell, I still have a full-time job. They just took away the admin duties from me since the bosses said my editorial contributions are more valuable to the company than my being a team leader.
Same pay, less workload.
It’s better than I expected, honestly.
It was a good thing my friends and my HR manager of a cousin coached me on what to say and how to get my message across without being messy.
I told my bosses that I wanted to go freelance because I still enjoy writing and editing. I said I’m just a journalist at heart and I’m happiest chasing stories and fixing stories of others — it keeps me sharp and alive.
Because of the points I outlined, I was able to make it clear to them that am not unhappy with my job. What I am miserable about is the admin work and the expectation that I will be able to lift my underperforming team mates out of the sandpit.
So there, they removed the load off me. I will just concentrate on writing and editing stories. I will still lead the team editorially but their problems are no longer mine.
Bonus is I have a new line manager. She’s nicer.
So let’s see how this goes.
What makes this freaky is that it went so smoothly and everything snapped into place easily. I am suspicious of what may happen next, like is there a storm after this calm? 🤔
Or maybe it’s meant to be—that this is where I am supposed to be that’s why it was so easy…
And oh, by the way, I demoted myself already on LinkedIn. And I’m so happy about it.
My friends are genuinely happy with my demotion. It’s so weird but yeah, it’s a cause for celebration.
I just had my annual tests today in between editing and taking calls from sources. Mammograms are sheer torture but necessary. Breast ultrasounds are not enough so I did those two screens. Tv pelvic exams are mehhhh. At least I know nothing is wrong with me. I’m still polycystic though, on my right ovary. I thought both ovaries are riddled with cysts—but apparently only the right ovary is the remarkable one.
🤔 Hmm, so does that mean my cysts on my left ovary disappeared?
I don’t know how I got through the day and evening taking calls, editing, and writing a time-sensitive story while having all these medical procedures and having my car serviced because I need the clutch pedal adjusted at my mechanic’s shop.
Because of that, I finished work at past 7 pm so i wasn’t able to cook dinner.
I sent my letter to my manager and APAC head, asking for a meeting to discuss the terms of freelancing for my company. I told them that this is the best course to take, given the circumstances (which I didn’t elaborate).
I am suprisingly calm. I don’t know why. I should be freaking out since this would put me on unsure footing when the world could be descending into another world war. This time it could be nuclear.
But I am placid. I’m still going about my usual business—writing and editing stories, engaging with sources, directing reporters…like nothing has changed.
Maybe I feel calm because I am no longer weighed by the problem of keeping my reporters afloat. I had been carrying less skilled reporters on my shoulders for years. I’m waiting for them to level up but it never came. Maybe I feel free now that I have washed off my responsibility of keeping them from losing their jobs. I had been trying to keep them from being fired or have their contracts changed because they could not meet their KPIs.
Imagine, I’ve been conducting interviews with them, to guide them so that they will have stories to file. I am the one scrounging for stories for them (asking for interviews on behalf of the reporters) if they’re struggling to get stories. I draft the guide questions to ask the interviewees, hoping that after that, they will know what to ask the next time they bag interviews. Hoping that I won’t be struggling when I edit their stories due to lack of pertinent information. I needed to fill the gaps so they can produce stories. Meeting the quotas is on me.
And yet… They couldn’t level up. It’s a skills problem. No matter how much I push them, this is the best that they can do.
I get clobbered when they commit small and big booboos. I get penalized when we get legal threats for their lack of regard for compliance rules.
On top of this, I needed to meet my own KPIs.
On top of being a solo mom, cook, and cleaning lady.
I can’t do it anymore. Something’s gotta give.
So tomorrow, I will have that virtual meeting. I just have to lay down my cards and tell them, hey, I did my best. It wasn’t just good enough.