Oh. I still hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I just want to hate you.
Category Archives: personal
Liar, liar, your pants are on fire!
I am convinced that he has this thing for this co-worker that he has been singing praises for months and months on end. He even wanted to get her for the other company where he is a partner. But he had always insisted she is almost half his age and she’s a lesbian. I won’t be surprised if there’s already something going on now that he’s free.
Sorry, been there. I’m not stupid. She’s the reason you’ve treated me really badly.
I hate you. I hope you rot in hell.
I am the worst person you will cross swords with. I am the person you should fear the most now.
Hell hath no fury than a woman scorned.
Retail therapy
To force myself to get back into the groove of working my butt off, I bought a new office chair from Ofix. It cheered me up a little bit today. I bought it on sale for 5k and was delivered to me today 3 days after ordering it from their online store.
It’s sturdier than the one I just replaced and the foam molds my butt. Thicker foam too. The gas lift doesn’t give way to my weight, which the older chair had been doing to me.
Aside from the gas lift problem, the legs on this one got bendy so it’s tilted. I think one more weekend of him sitting on this would have done it in. It’s almost one month by this coming weekend since he sat on this…But it feels just like yesterday…
Anyway, I bought this gaming chair (it reclines up to 120 or 130 degrees) from Facebook Marketplace I think in May, for 3.5k. The good thing about this chair is that the fabric is holding up against the cats. Other than that, I regret buying this. Less than a month after I bought this, the reclining mechanism became wonky, it’s not locking. This made the back perpetually reclining.
This is a lesson for me: do not go cheap on yourself. You deserve better. No one else would buy it for you so go and treat yourself. Your 40+ year-old body will thank you.
The saddest song in the world
There’s a reason why this song has been rerecorded over and over: Because this is the saddest song ever written. Originally sung by Bonnie Raitt in 1991 and then sung live by George Michael on MTV Unplugged. As one Youtube commenter said,
“This reaches a place (where) strangers are not allowed. Thank you for giving me a place to grieve.“
And if the imagery in this song ever happened to you in real life, this song is like a knife twisting in your chest, killing your heart a hundred times. The painful part is you are still alive and you have to endure this gaping wound in your chest for the rest of your life. It doesn’t go away; you just learn to live with the dull ache through time. I never felt this kind of pain since my father died 15 years ago. Until now.
Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me
Tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don’t patronize
Don’t patronize me‘Cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t
You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I’ll feel the power
But you won’t, no you won’t
‘Cause I can’t make you love me, if you don’tI’ll close my eyes, then I won’t see
The love you don’t feel when you’re holding me
Morning will come and I’ll do what’s right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight‘Cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t
You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I’ll feel the power
But you won’t, no you won’t
‘Cause I can’t make you love me, if you don’t
Fall in love with caring for yourself
This is the year that I will fall in love with taking care of myself. I will be selfish. I will have to think about myself. If I have to be a cold-blooded bitch, then so be it. I have to survive. I have to function because I have other people depending on me. I cannot afford to be weak and dying.
If I have to get rid of all of my human feelings and be numb, so be it. He has already taken everything from me anyway, so whatever feelings I have now would have to be blasted off to space with this giant firecracker in the picture above.
Goodbye, feelings. I don’t need you anymore. Ever.
Planning
So it seems like everyone is making plans for 2021 after wasting an entire notebook/planner for 2020 because that year was so fucked up.
My 2020 journal was actually almost empty except for some really revealing entries about how insecure my relationship with J was. There were so many things to write about 2020 because anxiety was running high and all that shebang that came with the pandemic but i didn’t. Was too wound up to even write about my anxieties, my feelings of hopelessness and helplessness.
None of my plans for 2020 pushed through. Well, except for the training part. It’s heartbreaking. I even planned to go to S. Korea with him in May. Coron in February.
I don’t know if there’s still a point in planning for 2021.