My pulse oximeter has finally arrived. I should make a Covid pack to prepare for home care just in case somebody gets infected and needs isolation. I should be getting the disposable and washable PPEs next.
I’m praying that I wouldn’t need all those things ever.
The situation is not easing up. Everyday my social media feeds are filled with people who express sorrow over a relative or a friend’s death because of COVID-19. Everyday. I’m getting tired and frustrated of saying condolence everyday.
My mom finally got her vaccine shot but I won’t feel at ease until she gets the second dose since protection comes seven days after the second shot. My second dose is scheduled on May 9. Seven days after that I would be confident of taking care of anybody who needs to be nursed back to health.
Meanwhile, one of my cats is in heat again. 🤦🏻♀️ After 3 weeks. I only had 3 hours of sleep because of her. She’s soooooooooo noisy doing her mating calls and rubbing herself all over, knocking down stuff. I finally rebooked their spaying, which was originally scheduled after Christmas. I wasn’t able to bring them to PAWS on their appointed date because I was still dead during those days 💔. Hopefully things will go well with their surgeries on the 28th. 🐈🐈
A parody of Weekend At Bernie’s, a movie my family enjoyed in the early 1990s.
So the old man is still alive and kicking, as shown in his sort of recorded press briefing, whatever proof-of-life broadcast they did last night. Based on the snippets of whatever is posted on Twitter, there was nothing there of note, just ranting against his critics, no concrete plans about the frickin’ lockdown, no plans–period. And yet the DDS keeps on applauding.
Meanwhile, I am much better today compared to Sunday night and yesterday. I felt so rotten for 24 hrs because the side effects of Sinovac were so pronounced. I was itchy all over and felt like I had flu but not full-blown flu. I just wanted to sleep and stay in bed but I had three calls yesterday so…oh well.
So that means my antibodies are fighting off the inactivated coronavirus? I don’t know but damn it should work, after all the crappy feeling I had yesterday.
My aunt had a stroke and is now suffering from pneumonia. She is diabetic and in her 80s. No hospital in Manila took her in because they are so full so not even non-covid cases could be accommodated. My sister assisted them in finding a hospital in my hometown and thankfully they were able to admit her at 1 am yesterday. My cousin drove back to QC to get clothes and other stuff since it seems like they would be staying there for quite a while. She didn’t have enough masks to allow her to double-mask so I bought a box of surgical masks and gave her all my cloth masks when she stopped by my apartment so she could double mask in the hospital. She went back to my hometown to isolate in one of our rooms in my mom’s house until she could bring home her mom.
So now I’m back to sewing cloth masks again because I don’t have any left. Plus my cousin may need more.
San Miguel Light to keep me company while I sew new masks. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Something horrific happened earlier. I was supposed to message my brother and send him the Lazada link to a laptop that he can check out for his son but damn it I mis-sent it to J. I was wondering why my brother wasn’t responding. Too late, I realized that I sent it to J, because his chat box was next to my brother’s. I had to quickly recall it but it would still show that I sent something. In disgust, I deleted J altogether.
I should have deleted the chat box a long time ago. Now he would think I’m trying to get his attention. Fuck. I’d rather die than do that. I no longer have anything left in me except my dignity. I can’t lose it again.
He may not be my biggest error but he’s my biggest regret. No more, I will never be duped again.
Come to think of it, I don’t know if he really knew me. I bet you he even doesn’t know when my birthday is.
Aside from feeling horrible physically, I am also feeling crappy about that mistake. I needed something to make me feel Ok-things-are-shit-right-now-but-you-will-be-fine-later so I came back to music. I used to listen to “The World I Know” by Collective Soul way back in college when I feel like I’m going nowhere. I would just lie down on my bed and feel the lyrics. I need this right now, after ranting to a friend this morning about work and how I hate it these days and I already wanted to resign but I still don’t have an alternative lined up.
As I said before, when anger hits me, it hits me hard. To the point that I regretted that I loved him that much. To the point that I wished that I never met him.
Because you know, it’s hard. I just want peace. I just want to be left alone. I just want to be… Just be…
I just want this to be over. Because it hurts bad. I don’t deserve this.
A doctor cycling last Sunday was arrested by a stupid policeman for not wearing a face shield while riding. Of course the doctor resisted arrest since the DOH and IATF already issued memos that bike/motorcycle riders are exempted from wearing a face shield because this is more of a hazard than a protection.
Incidents like this add to my roiling anger deep inside. I called the attention of my colleagues in local media outfits like CNN Philippines, Philippine Star, etc. so that they would be able to cover this. The Philippine National Police is the center of all things corrupt and stupid since 2016. I just can’t stand this. I no longer know how to contain this anger.
Meanwhile, I’m trying my best to help in the donation drive for Silungang Molave, which has been turned into an isolation facility in UP Diliman. I spoke yesterday with Ms. Perlynn and asked for e-money and bank accounts where we can deposit our donations. She also said their priority now is to secure N95 masks and latex gloves.
Paymaya 09173009064 Aleli B Bagawan and GCash 09173009064 Ma. Fatima B. Sapno.
A cousin has just sent money from abroad and I sent half to UP and the rest will be used to buy masks and face shields for delivery guys and to hospitals that may need mattresses or PPEs.
So last night I slept again very late (2 am-ish?) I was booking my vaccine schedule and what I got was 11 April. My neighbors, one of whom is a cancer patient and her mom has several co-morbidities, were able to have theirs today and they were quick. Unfortunately, the venue I chose is one of the busiest and my neighbor said it took her classmate 5 hrs of waiting even if you booked your slot and got assigned to a specific time. So I may have to rebook this again because the 11th is my daughters’ birthday and I can’t be away for 5 hrs.
The email I received after booking my vaccination schedule last night.
I booked via EZConsult, Zuellig Pharma’s telemedicine platform that the Quezon City government is using. It’s easy to use and hopefully the backlogs in the vaccination centers would be ironed out soon. I also need to go to a pulmonologist by Friday so that my medical records can be pulled out of the polyclinic near my house where my recent records are. I need to present a medical certificate that I have chronic respiratory disease i.e. asthma to show at the vaccination center. Good thing also I scanned all my past Rx including Symbicort, which is used for asthma and COPD. I belong to A3 (18-59 years old with co-morbodities) that’s why I should be qualified to be included in this batch. I’m not really eager to get the China vax but you have to get what you can. I’m a single parent and my children have no one else but me.
I’m also preparing for the event that there might be COVID home care at some point so I will have to buy 1) pulse oximeter, 2) disposable and washable PPEs, 3) look for vendors of oxygen tanks, 4) stock up on flu and asthma medicines. The first two items can be ordered via Lazada. 3 and 4 can be obtained from Mercury. Being prepared can’t hurt because Philippines’ healthcare system is collapsing.
This guy is a partylist congressman, who is what I can call a political parasite/whore without any shame at all. I had interviewed him in the past a couple of times but I didn’t produce any story after those interviews because there was no substance at all. Such a waste of space.
Anyway, he has been spreading all over social media that he is freely giving away Ivermectin as cure for COVID-19. This idiot 1) wasted people’s money buying an anti-parasitic drug for animals that 2) could harm people taking it, especially with the wrong dosage. This is what the US FDA has to say about this:
FDA has not approved ivermectin for use in treating or preventing COVID-19 in humans. Ivermectin tablets are approved at very specific doses for some parasitic worms, and there are topical (on the skin) formulations for head lice and skin conditions like rosacea. Ivermectin is not an anti-viral (a drug for treating viruses).
Taking large doses of this drug is dangerous and can cause serious harm.
If you have a prescription for ivermectin for an FDA-approved use, get it from a legitimate source and take it exactly as prescribed.
Never use medications intended for animals on yourself. Ivermectin preparations for animals are very different from those approved for humans.
What we need are vaccines, not anti-parasitics drugs for horses! I just want to hit his face with my classmate’s urn.
Meanwhile, I’m presenting my haul from the last two Lazada sale (3.3 and birthday sale)…I got 480 pcs of sticker tiles to make my ugly bathroom more tolerable. My landlady didn’t even fix the bathroom when we moved in. I refuse to spend so much for tiles to make my bathroom more presentable. Even this already cost me PHP 3,000.
Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I just have to solve the problem of the floor tiles. I don’t know if re-grouting will solve its dingy-ness or I should waste money for something that is not mine and have the floor re-tiled. I don’t think my landlady will be willing to shoulder an expense like that for aesthetic reasons. Maybe I should just buy more exchange traded funds (ETF). I bought it at PHP 100 per share last week and now it’s at PHP 98.35. I have to even out my portfolio.
So I have to hold out and make do with what I have and be satisfied with just repainting/refreshing the walls of the apartment. I should save up until I have my lot and tiny house constructed. My friend just told me the other day that there is a 150 sqm lot that is for sale somewhere in our hometown for PHP 1.6m, which is a bit expensive given its location. Maybe I should look around some more. I wish I can drive to Anilao and check out some lots…
Patience. Patience. No one is chasing me. A better option will come up.
Another friend asked me, are you still angry? I said, hmmmm somewhat. If my anger is triggered, then I will be a seething tiger and I’ll be in a bad mood for two days. But most of the days I try to bury it and try to move on. I just pray that he doesn’t catch COVID and his lover doesn’t mangle his home care if ever gets sick of it–he has an abnormally high risk of heart attack due to elevated LDL. If she turns out to be that young bitch, then I don’t know if she can handle 24/7 care of another person while she is still very much under the supervision of her parents.
Taking care of critically ill loved ones requires you to put brakes on your own life. Their needs come first before your own. I’ve had experience taking care and raising premature infants in the neonatal ICU (they allowed me to stay there for more than a month since I had two infants). My children battled sepsis, pneumonia, and a host of other things for more than a month and everyday I didn’t know if they would live or die. I was running around Metro Manila and Laguna looking for blood for transfusions. I diligently monitored their O2 sats and heartbeats every moment I could while watching various tubes sticking into their bodies that were barely bigger than my hand. I didn’t cry at that time; I could not afford to be emotional during those days. I learned how to be level-headed and be lucid in times of intense emotional moments. I’ve also nursed my parents, especially my father, when he was in and out of the hospital for years. I don’t know how I was able to do those things. I’ve schooled myself to be a highly functional individual and learned to compartmentalize so I could cope. That’s why when my father died, I was the only one who was functioning in my family even if I only had three hours of sleep that entire week. I facilitated the legal procedures, the paperwork, the arrangements for the wake, the housekeeping, the financials, the cremation, etc. Then I crashed after all was said and done. I crash only when I allow myself to crash.
So would you help if he gets sick, my friend asked. I said if I’m asked to, I will. But I just wish he’d just leave the country soon because he’s going to be safer elsewhere than here because this country is going to the dogs. You still love him, don’t you, my friend said. I told him, that’s already a given, I’ve already come into terms with that; you don’t easily pull a switch and that is that. Unlike J, who just–poof!–love is gone. I wondered if he really even loved me. Maybe it was just infatuation.
I am just waiting for the moment that I will become indifferent. It has been almost four months. Four fucking long months. I wish i could just fast-forward time and be done with it.
I was chatting on WhatsApp last night with a colleague who just left my company last week. She told me about how she couldn’t take her manager anymore and she tolerated that abusive creature for four years before my colleague has finally called it quits. She’s supposed to have started her therapy today. I told her it’s smart of her to seek counseling after the shit she went through with her boss, whom I don’t have to directly deal with, thankfully.
This colleague also sensed that I’m almost at the end of my tether and she told me to jump before things get worse. With the way things how the new owner is running our company, it looks like things aren’t going to get better. I told her I will just have get my shit together first and get out of this funk before I could pivot. It’s hard to think straight with the lockdowns, the entire shit that is the pandemic, and this heartbreak. I need to be level-headed about this and make sure it’s not just the anger and grief that are doing the thinking for me. It’s also hard to make the jump when almost all companies are laying off people.
The right time will come, I told her. In the meantime, I need to do everything I can to stay sane.
Relief goods for a friend. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I have so much love to give but I no longer have the right to give it to the person I wanted to receive it so I channel it elsewhere. So I cooked for a friend whom I call a condominium-stranded individual (I’ve patterned it after the government’s term, locally stranded individual) and sent the food via Grab this afternoon. I knew that ordering food via Grab by tomorrow will be difficult because traditionally businesses shut down during Maundy Thursday and Good Friday. This is to give appreciation to this friend who always checked on me if I slept well and pulled myself out of my bed during the darkest days. He said he knows the road I’m traveling on now very well because he has been on this road when he broke up with his boyfriend some time ago. Days after J and I broke up, this friend took me out to lunch to cheer me up. Then last February, we had lunch again somewhere near Tomas Morato just to see how I am progressing because I’ve been shutting myself out of the world. In March, days before the cases started spiking, we dined al fresco in Makati with some friends in the industry just to check on each other. We all work for competing newswire agencies but it has never been a hindrance to our friendship that has been blossoming for 15 years now. We don’t see each other often but they’re there when I need them the most. Right after J and I talked in his condo for the last time in December, I drove straight to one of those friends’ house in Parañaque because I couldn’t face going home to the apartment that I used to share with J without going through some debriefing. I needed somebody to talk to, to make sense of what just happened. This friend is deathly afraid of Covid but she let me in her home and offered her spare bedroom for me to sleep in that night because it seemed like I was in no condition to drive all the way to QC. I declined and told her I need to go home that night because I’m just delaying the inevitable. I needed to be alone.
I have so much love to give. So I send it to people who do not reject it.
My muslin curtain. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I already finished one panel that is 2.5 yards long and 60″ wide. I’m already on my 2nd one. Well technically I already finished two panels but the other one is much shorter because that panel will be used for that section above my aircon.
Handstitches. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I’m even surprised at how my hand stitches look even and dainty. I sew my curtains while watching Youtube videos of small homes and alternative living setups, to make my brain occupied and not overthink about somebody.
