Category Archives: personal

Refreshing

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woman filling job application form in office with boss
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I did an interview this morning with a CEO of a private equity firm and it was a refreshing one-hour conversation about investment strategies, industry talk–all the things that other people don’t care about but I find interesting. It pulled me out of this funk that I am in and this made me want to write the story immediately. But I had to attend to more pressing matters first (like pending edits and emails).

His story of why he is doing what he is doing and what made him start was inspiring. He said it started with curiosity and having the guts to jump into a plane and see what was out there. He believes more in the gut feel of an entrepreneur than the dictates of the “guys in a suit” (a.k.a. the MBAs, the finance guys).

This what keeps me going. The stories. The good stories.

Ok there’s a breaking story that I had to react to and I had to email a couple of people regarding this breaking news. I might be writing late into the night because of this.

So this CEO was telling me, it’s curiosity that propelled him to become an entrepreneur–which is so far from his background of bio-engineering from MIT. Meanwhile, it is my natural curiosity and need for answers that propelled me to become a journalist. The same traits but different paths. He became rich while I’m still a “starving artist”. Would I have it any other way? I don’t know. Maybe I won’t be as happy. It’s my creative passions that move me while this other person is moved by the art of deal-making and proving a point.

It’s the breaking stories (like the one I mentioned above) that keep my adrenaline pumping. I’m completely wired differently and maybe that’s what frustrates other people.

Geez, here I am, working on US Eastern time again, firing away emails at almost 9 pm. Being an annoying journalist at weird hours. Working some stuff that would allow me to fly to Bangkok in July. IF I CAN.

Halved

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I’m in this very weird state since the middle of January where I feel like my soul is torn in half and one half lives in a different time zone. I still can’t get my body clock fixed so I only fall asleep when there’s already daylight peeking through my curtains. I work in weird time shifts. I know it’s impolite but I only get to reply to emails at night. I start editing in the afternoon; I catch on sleep at daytime. And I don’t even have caffeinated drinks at all.

This is utterly weird.

I don’t know if I’m keeping Mumbai or London time. Sometimes it’s worse, it’s like US Eastern time. This always makes me feel tired and unproductive.

Where is my other half wandering? I need to pull it back and keep myself whole.

And I’m also in this confusing stage right now where I suddenly want to postpone building my flat to stay here in Quezon City longer. I want to stay away from family. I don’t know why I’m in this funk. It’s like I’m missing something.

But things are changing. My girl, Twin I, is already a lady. She had her first menstrual period last week. Her way of thinking is also has matured and it’s like I’m already talking to an adult mini-me. I have to move so that my girls can have more independence without sacrificing their safety.

I don’t know, I’m really confused. I really have to get my other half back from wandering around so I can make logical decisions and not half-assed ones based on feelings. Screw feelings.

This entire weekend was stressful due to politics. I should refrain from opening my Facebook and Twitter accounts to avoid these stressors.

Because this coward, according to my industry grapevine, demanded advance questions before agreeing to a panel interview. All other presidential aspirants (except for Ka Leody de Guzman, who was not invited) were ok with the interview without knowing what questions would be asked. This ball-less coward wanted a codigo (cheat sheet) because he is stupid. He doesn’t even have a platform. And he would look doubly stupid on national TV for stammering his way out of an interview asking him about his platforms, issues thrown by detractors, and questions of how is he going to solve pressing issues once he becomes president.

Of course, this journo wouldn’t agree to such arrangement. Even I would have thrown a fit at such demand.

As expected social media exploded with this issue; Marcos trolls went on overdrive and they went tearing down Leni. It was so stressful.

As every one knows, Marcos has an army of social media trolls working to prop him up and erase history since 2014.

Twitter Removes Hundreds of Accounts Linked to Philippines’ Marcos Jr.

The Diplomat

I keep up with news through Twitter, FB for community news. Dang, I have to avoid them. I should just keep to my Nikkei subscription, and probably Financial Times and The Economist.

Happy

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Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I’m in this weird situation where I’m happy with the now. I don’t know why but I am. The photo above is how my room looked like before sleeping. It makes me happy. I’m comfortable, rested, and a bit stress-free. I don’t have any ambition now professionally or I’m already in this state where I can just take whatever comes my way. That I may be done chasing and going up the ladder.

My cousin, who’s a journalist in New York, emailed me that her friend’s friend works for National Geographic and is looking for a Philippines-based freelancer to contribute. I would have loved the chance to contribute there! NatGeo was the reason why I wanted to go into science/environmental journalism. However, given the work load that I have and I am moving up, I have to give it a pass and give the gig to a friend. And I was fine with that. Years ago I would have kicked myself for letting an opportunity like this pass. But maybe I’m already satisfied with life? I don’t know. Maybe I don’t have anything to prove anymore? Let’s just say, if that is meant for me, it will come my way again when I am less tied up. I have to balance things and my priority is my day job because it provides for my family. I cannot stretch myself too thinly and make a mess of my day job and the dream gig.

One day.

I’m still stabilizing myself. Recovering from a life-changing heartbreak is not easy. I have to take it easy and not be too greedy.

But I’m happy that I’m in this position now that I can choose and say no to a dream gig. That’s quite something. The power to choose.

Comfortingly familiar

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love people woman sun
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I don’t know if I should be upset but I have recurring dreams about or set in our old house where I grew up. It was a small house in an area that J would have called ghetto. But it was a place where I learned how to deal with people from all walks of life. My father was obsessed with home ownership as he grew up materially/financially insecure. Home ownership was something my parents worked at even though they were struggling PhD students/candidates, assistant professors working on their tenure, putting four children though private school. So that was they all could afford–a small house in a neighborhood that you had to access through an esquinita (street corner turning into an alley). But as early as 1984 they were already working on building a bigger house right inside the university so they knew we won’t have to stay there that long.

Anyway, for the past few weeks or months, I had vague dreams set in that place or a similar-looking place. I cannot remember what exactly those dreams were but I knew by feeling it was set there or it was about it.

It was sort of…comforting. It was familiar, it was like being in a womb. After waking up, I have some kind of feeling similar to what I feel when I hear the song “These Dreams” by Heart.

I don’t know…maybe I’m looking for some kind of comfort because I’m just a fraud. I pretend and put up a front that I am brave and a strong single mother and I get things together but in reality I’m just scared and insecure. Maybe I just want to feel protected. Maybe I’m just tired being strong.

This is also probably why Kimchi keeps on sleeping near me or with me. It’s familiar, it’s comforting. It’s like being in a womb. She can just let go because she knows she is protected.

I was working today when I found Kimchi tucked in between my comforter, sleeping soundly, like everything is alright in the world. I don’t know how she managed to get herself wrapped around my sheets but there she is, savoring the smell of her human mommy. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

It comes from out of nowhere

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woman wearing brown shirt inside room
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It must be the confinement, the crappy feeling I have because of the booster shot, or maybe I had a dream that I no longer remember now that triggered that melancholic feeling I had earlier today.

I suddenly missed him.

I tried quelling that feeling the entire morning so I just stayed in bed, answering emails on my phone. Took a nap just to get rid of the feeling or else I would be bogged down the entire day when I have deadlines.

Well, I lost half a day. I promise to be better tomorrow. This confinement is not good for my healing.

Thank God for cats. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I want to have a dog again. Once we transfer to my hometown, I’m gonna get me a rescue dog.