Cogito ergo sum. I think, therefore, I am.

An existentialist statement by Descartes that justifies one’s existence by his thinking process. This was my last drunken thought before I passed out last night. Because you know, even if the drinking session had just been online, you still have the license to quote Descartes and sing gnash at the same time when you finish one entire bottle of Italian red.

Then I woke up with a nasty headache at 4 am. I had to go to the bathroom to puke it out, which I did, then went back to sleep. It was a good wine.

Then I remembered my soliloquy…🤦🏻‍♀️ Well, it was a good release anyway.

Grief is love holding on. But I don’t want to hold on any longer. It has been exactly 8 fucking months today when he threw me off the balcony. But it’s still here but I don’t want this anymore. It has already shrunk me into nothing, thinking that I am not good enough despite giving everything.

But I don’t want to use other people who are showing interest in me just to validate me, to be able to move on. Where’s the dignity in that?

He is the problem, not you, friends said.

We just learned that he is after a kid in our industry, almost 15 years his junior. Her boyfriend got testy and the rest is… You could imagine what happened after. This girl’s college friends were my students (she didn’t enrol in my class though). I introduced her to J, together with other friends in the industry, during one of our industry events. They knew that we were an item but just don’t speak about it because of my annulment case. I asked her to help me pitch to her news desk coverage to events his firm staged. I also asked her to accommodate his principal for interviews a couple of weeks before he broke up with me, even though it was a tough sell because they were general news. She and the others whom I asked for favors entertained him because of me, because I am respected in our industry and some of them were my students. This kid knows my family because she hitched rides with me regularly because we both headed north after coverage. She and my daughters had selfie sessions in my car one time she hitched a ride. A friend said she tended to flaunt sources to other people to claim, yeah I’m close to such and such source that’s probably why she had entertained those video calls with J. Kinda like those questionable journos we have here who tweet pictures of them lunching with this so and so source. For clout. (But everyone in our industry think that is cheap and crass).

I just kept quiet about the breakup so my network would still entertain him. I left our LinkedIn linked so he can still use my network. Because love can make you do stupid things.

I purposely did not try to find out what happened to him after he ditched me even though I could. Because I want my dignity intact. I want to move on even though it’s so hard. I didn’t even know if he was still in the country. But I don’t know, the universe conspires and here I am learning about this.

My friends were like, gurl, this kid can’t even hold a candle to you. He is probably looking for somebody to manipulate because she is very young. Her generation is still concerned with the latest cellphone and such. She is very young and it will be like babysitting her and her friends. It’s a super downgrade, they said.

There is clearly something wrong with him, they said. A PR professional friend when she learned about this said, wow that’s so low. This industry is so small and he doesn’t know the extent of your network, thinking you wouldn’t find out. I said, he is free to pursue whoever he wants but going after a kid in my circle…I can’t wrap my head around it. And he pretends to be nice by saying let me know if I can help with the community pantry, and the kid was like, huh, what do I care about community pantries?

You know, I could have gone the other way and not keep quiet about this and tell my network not to deal with him anymore. But I just want peace so I will forever hold my tongue. The dignified thing to do. Yes, my self esteem nosedived when I learned about this. I knew he would go after younger women because my age, whether he showed it or not, was an issue for him. He thinks people in their forties are old.

It was hard dealing with this. I am back to zero again. Diminished. Making me feel like all the things I am and gave were nothing. I gave him nothing but love and kindness and yet he continues to hurt me so, even though I had purposely distanced myself.

No, my friends said. You are a complete person and when he came to your life, he was just an addition. When he left, you are still intact, nothing was lost. He needed you more than you needed him, they said.

One day all of these things they said to make me feel better will sink in but for now I will lick my wounds and figure out how to rise above this.