I started the day at 5:30 am, began the training at 9 am, and we ended at 5 pm. It was all business the whole day and it was exhausting. I ignored all emails except for concerns about the conference tomorrow.

One of my panelists pulled out at the last minute because he got Covid. Luckily one of my sources volunteered to be one of the speakers. I connected him/them to the main program organizer so I don’t know if they’re going to replace that poor guy. 😔 I did all this coordination while I was doing the trainings. My brain was actually split three ways today. 😵

I need to be extra early tomorrow to be ready for the last-minute change/s.

To reward ourselves for the hectic day we had, we went to dinner at Blue Ginger and everyone liked it. I pre-ordered during the training session, the usual multi-tasker that I am, so we didn’t have to wait for the food when we got there.

I’ve taken antihistamine because I don’t know what are in those sauces and soups so now I am drunk with the narcotic side-effects of diphenhydramine.

Good night, Universe.

I don’t think I can sustain this monthly visit to our Singapore office. If I continue with this, maybe I’ll just stay for less than a week? It’s exhausting. I mean, I cannot just lock the door to my house and leave—business trips entail much prep for the household, from logistics to food and medicine…I am a hands-on mom and a full time manager at work. It’s a tough balancing act everyday.

Because I was multi-tasking all the time, I left my mobile phone’s fast charger *somewhere*. I was agonizing over buying a new one at Challenger at The Jewel or should I just stick to the slow, braided charger I had brought *in case* something may happen (and it did happen). I was hanging around the chargers and cables section for quite some time that the salesperson had to help me. 😶‍🌫️

After my much-delayed exit from Changi airport, I dropped off my things with the hotel reception and went to Chinatown to have my pesos exchanged for a more decent rate. The rates I saw at Changi and other moneychangers are too costly, like nah, I’ll make that extra effort. Did some grocery shopping and had a one-hour Chinese-style massage, you know, the hard, bone-cracking kind. It was sooo good after going without Zennya for weeks. The lady reflexologist said my back was stiff as a board.

I may come back next weekend. It was reasonable at SGD 40 compared to other places I had checked out.

No carpets! Yahoo! Carpets make me sneeze and they feel unclean. I like that this hotel is not that far from my office, near an MRT station and it’s relatively quiet.

Went to meet the ex-colleague for dinner at Funan with my team as they haven’t met each other in person. Except for one long-time reporter that we still have on our team.

We ended up in a restaurant that we wrote about a month ago 😂.

I had a food coma after this. We ate too much. 🤣

I couldn’t sleep earlier because I had a long afternoon siesta. I just tossed and turned in my bed so I gave up and cooked myself a meal (I forgot to have dinner). I’m running now on pure carbohydrates and zero zzzzz. I tried packing much earlier today—at 5 pm—but I still finished late. I don’t know why it takes me so much time to pack. 🤔

Earlier today was freaking hot. It felt like 40 degrees. The longer I stay here in Metro Manila, the hotter it gets.

Despite the dreadful heat, I had dragged myself out of my airconditioned room because I needed to bring my girls to their Kumon class and do my meat and vegetable shopping. When I came back for them, the thunderstorm came.

It was raining hard while I drove them to their classmate’s swimming party nearby. If the rain lasted a little bit longer, it could have clogged the streets of Metro Manila, the usual thing during RAINY SEASON, not during the hot and dry season. Climate change really flipped things over. 🫠

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The Manila Airport Authority (MIA) has started shuffling flights/transfering airline-terminal assignments so now I ended up in Terminal 1 instead of Terminal 2, which was exclusively used by Philippine Airlines. MIA now converted the much smaller Terminal 2 for domestic use while T1 and T3 are for international flights. T4 used to be for AirAsia and turbo prop planes, but now I can’t remember what they’re going to use T4 for. I seldom read the Viber group chat for transport reporters these days.

They really, really should privatize this now. This airport is horrible.

I chased the deadline for the special window for Citibank/Unionbank credit card holders as we are given the privilege to have the first dibs on tickets since the bank is a major sponsor of Hamilton’s Philippine run. I didn’t try my luck booking when the window opened last Monday because Ticketnet was wonky. It turns out, the website was crashing because everyone was trying to book. I told myself, nah, let them go nuts, I will just do it before the window closes.

So I just finished booking at midnight, which is an hour ago.

Well, the tickets I was able to buy are for November—that’s how in demand this musical is. I couldn’t get tickets for orchestra seats that are next to each other during the September to October runs. I don’t want to watch from the balcony…it sucks. I did that with Les Miserables (I was late in booking). Good thing about Les Miserables is that it’s an ensemble musical, so I really didn’t have to be close to the stage. Besides, I knew the musical by heart.

But Hamilton is different in a sense it’s not something I am super familiar with compared to other musicals that have been here like Miss Saigon, Phantom, Les Mis, Cats, Wicked, Mama Mia, etc. I need to be in the orchestra seat. Unfortunately, the seats I got for Hamilton are not at the center…because again, I was very late in booking tonight. It almost slipped my mind because I was too busy with so many things.

And since Hamilton is in November, that meant I would no longer be a Metro Manila citizen by that time. Ergo, I would be driving all the way from my hometown 😢 and God knows what kind of weather we will be having that time. My sister already gave up her condo in Mandaluyong and she can’t drive her car on the day we are scheduled to watch because its plate number is banned every Tuesdays…So our recourse is to book a room at Solaire (next to the Solaire Theater where Hamilton is going to be shown). This is proving to be an expensive affair 😂.

Well, my sister flew to Sydney from Brisbane to watch Les Mis on her own…so that one is much more expensive 🤣.

If I would need fly to watch these productions, I might as well go straight to Broadway in New York. But I’ve never been that enamoured of the US and if I were, I would have been there a long time ago. I haven’t found any compelling reason to go there except for one instance…which I don’t want to think about right now.

So anyway, the other reason that would propel me to go to the US is to watch theater productions in Broadway and off-Broadway. Of course, this former theater actress has to have her priorities in life straight 🤣. To make my trip worthwhile, I might as well go to museums and go food tripping, in that order. Other than that, there’s no reason for me to go there. Europe is more of my thing.

I was about to write on this blog on my phone last night, reflecting on how unproductive I had been this month when I suddenly zonked out. When I opened my eyes, there’s already sunlight and my phone read 7:30 am. I must have been so tired yesterday.

Well, I’ve been tired for a long time now.

I had been juggling so many things, even my APAC boss thought I would be overworked during our conference, moderating two panel discussions, while farming out story assignments/coverage and networking duties. Having those endless calls.

I had also been working on the staff bonuses and I was already warned by my bosses that they are disappointing. 😑

Because everything is happening all at once–prep for the girls’ graduation, prep the household for my nine-day absence, arranging stuff remotely for our Singapore journo trainings that I would be moderating/conducting as well–my hair literally was flying all over and was always plastered on my face, my neck—basically a hot mess. I got so irritated with my hair that I had it chopped off once again last night. My hair should be the least of my worries when I’m running around here and in Singapore–two places where humidity has been oppressive.

I am no longer trying to please any man by keeping my hair long. Heck, I shouldn’t be trying to please anybody with how I look. Damn it.

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I’m so busy running around that I neglected to schedule my sonomammogram and my HPV vaccine shots, both of which should have taken place last week. 🤦‍♀️ While I had been celibate for three years now, my gynecologist said that I could have a new partner and that it’s better to be protected from HPV.

In my head, I’m like–noooo–I don’t think so. I don’t think I will have a partner anytime soon or ever. But oh well, it’s better to be covered just for the sake of my children. I don’t want to be dealing with unexpected health issues.

But then I don’t think I can deal with another person, trying to meet expectations, berating myself for my shortcomings, going all through that soul-destroying process of giving myself to someone completely but never getting love in return.

Like nah, Doc, I’m fine. But ok, for the sake of my children that I need to live beyond 60 years old I will take all the vaccines you say I must have. ✌

Gotta work now. I may have more self-reflection I need to push out as I was overtaken by exhaustion last night. As I learned through my therapy, I need to take the garbage out regularly.

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I am sooooo looking forward to the long weekend before I fly out. I am in a state of mini-panic right now because I have only half a month to prepare for the move. As I still do not have stairs as of today, I still cannot bring stuff inside my house. But I can sift and throw trash and give away usuable items on the curb just outside the gate of the apartment. I could start doing it by Friday during the Eid al Fitr holiday.

And before I drift off to sleep again, here’s a photo of my guardian.

At least for my cats.

After I drove my SIL and my nephew to the bus station last night, my cats took over my room again. They regained their kingdom. But before my SIL left the apartment, Kimchi was already warming up to her because my crafty SIL bought salmon cat treats–the real salmon, not the dry food one–to woo them. So when they were leaving, Kimchi was just watching them from her perch on the stairs instead of cowering inside the room or on top landing of the stairs. My SIL brought her hand to Kimchi for her to smell. She didn’t flinch nor turn away.

Which was good since my SIL, my bro, and my nephews would be frequent visitors to my tiny house when we transfer there. Because I can cook. 😂

They finished all my kimchi in my chiller. They love all things spicy.

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I had back-to-back-to-back calls today and the last one was a webinar for undergrad students. I was up until 1 am doing the Powerpoint presentation for that and I was still at it until right before the webinar started. Doing that was exhausting; my brain just got fried. All 115 students (they were supposed to be 135 but some joined the webinar later) had access to privileged communication (in the legal sense, i.e. confidential) that’s why they couldn’t do screen cap/photos of my presentation or even do audio recordings because there are things that I said that could be used against me, especially criticisms of other media entities (of what should not be done based on universal media ethics).

Meanwhile, I had been emailing people for our trip to Singapore. Making reservations to Blue Ginger for the team dinner. My APAC boss wanted a restaurant near CBD instead of having seafood at some restaurant on the East Coast. I also need to order lunch for me, my APAC boss, and my manager because it will be a working lunch for us 😥. *sigh*

I have yet to finish setting up interviews for next week.

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While I was reflecting on what I wrote last night, I remember asking myself during my lowest point if the men in my life learned this kind of behavior towards women from their own fathers, seeing how they treated their partners when my exes were growing up? It’s possible, just the way I learned this co-dependent behavior from my mom—the self-sacrificing kind of love without any regard for my own person.

“Codependent people need external sources (things or other people) to give them feelings of self-worth. Often, following destructive parental relationships, an abusive past and/or self-destructive partners, codependents learn to react to others, worry about others and depend on others to help them feel useful or alive. They put other people’s needs, wants and experiences above their own.”

Kathy Berman, quoting Daniel Ploskin on Medium.com

I am trying to understand and study all these because I see now how this is being passed down to my daughters. They have an emotionally absent father and now that we have separated, the more they feel neglected/unloved by him. Even though they understand that I am better off without their dad, the basic need of their id and ego to be validated and loved by the parent of the opposite sex is left unfulfilled, thus, leaving them with a feeling of unworthiness. Even if the superego understands, the lower levels of consciousness don’t.

It doesn’t help that they witnessed another relationship of mine that followed the same pattern.

Some time ago, they started declaring that they like girls better and that they won’t marry ever. I sat down with them and told them that I’m cool with them being lesbians if that is really their orientation. But if this is just their way of protecting themselves from being hurt by boys, as they have seen from my experience, then that is not cool. I told them that girls can be mean to their girlfriends as well, just like in any hetero relationships. Sometimes they can be worse because they know that their partners have a limited pool to choose from so they would stick to the relationship even if it was already sour, as I’ve seen from my friends’ experiences, I told them.

Now my daughters have stopped doing that because deep down I know they like certain boys from school or their review school because they don’t stop talking about them. Bukambibig baga. Plus they had been declaring their undying love for some male anime characters, so I know they really don’t like girls in the romantic sense.

It was just some kind of trauma response, from what they saw while growing up.

So now I have to untangle that and kind of fix that so they won’t end up chasing narcissists and go around begging for love and validation.

As for the men I’ve been involved with, they may always end up unsatisfied with current and future relationships if they keep on dragging their partners through their noses.

I’m just glad that it’s no longer me.